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Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?

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alibali

I expect so, but no one can know for sure.

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NoLongerActive1234
20 hours ago, Apostle said:

MistySpring, you have fully understood my meaning :D. Your command of the English language is exceptional and I commend you for this, especially as English may not be your mother tongue! (I'm guessing here of course as you are from Sweden but you may be English and living in Sweden)

I think most sexual men know that once women reach the menopause then things will be different. I knew that but was surprised when it happened to me at an early point in our marriage. Still, it could be worse, like one of us had a debilitating illness (MS or ME) or even an injury. I truly feel for both partners in this situation.

These posts are a great way of figuring out what direction to take, aren't they?

 

Tack/Thank you! :) I am indeed Swedish but have been watching tons of British and American TV shows since a young age, I think that might be a reason. I can be sloppy with my expressions in English at times though but then again that happens with the Swedish as well lol.
Yes, it is very insightful to read about everyone's experiences. I definitely learn a lot even if I am not entirely in this type of situation. I'm the one with the lower libido compared to my partner so there is that and discovering being demisexual instead of asexual but similarly to what GLRDT described about her relationship as it is now for us it is working. Hopefully it will in the future as well. Learning that I am not asexual and can reciprocate has helped though. 

 

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Blondbear
On 31/8/2017 at 3:10 PM, MistySpring said:

 

I think if you after menopause lose sexual desire or because of any other issue that does not really make a person asexual or well maybe one could say effectively asexual if one find that it works (which I think is the key in how one views it oneself because at the end of the day that is what truly matters), asexuality otherwise is something more intrinsic. But really I do agree that tags are beside the point and I am all for people using what they think fits best for them.
Claiming though that a person who has been sexual their whole life (but lost sexual desire/urge because of some sort of issue) is no longer so is a bit like saying a woman who has had her breasts removed and had a hysterectomy because of cancer is no longer a woman.
Sexual's libidos varies for one thing as well as how one views sex too, in what way it is important to someone. Maybe some see it as much less of an emotional thing and so for them it would be easier to overcome.  


"Being" sexual or "asexual" are just tags that people use and they are directed to explain reality. When I was 5 years old I don't remember being sexual at all, sexuality is something that develops and for some people dies, sex is a relationship and is a very complex system that involves social, biological, hormonal and even cultural aspects. 

A woman who is 55 and is repulsed by sex is asexual by any definition seen in AVEN, either wanting sex again or being able of feeling attraction.

When you claim about an intrinsic way of being asexual and you compare it to an intrinsic way of being woman then you are basically saying that a Trans woman can't be a woman.

 

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NoLongerActive1234
33 minutes ago, Blondbear said:


"Being" sexual or "asexual" are just tags that people use and they are directed to explain reality. When I was 5 years old I don't remember being sexual at all, sexuality is something that develops and for some people dies, sex is a relationship and is a very complex system that involves social, biological, hormonal and even cultural aspects. 

A woman who is 55 and is repulsed by sex is asexual by any definition seen in AVEN, either wanting sex again or being able of feeling attraction.

When you claim about an intrinsic way of being asexual and you compare it to an intrinsic way of being woman then you are basically saying that a Trans woman can't be a woman.

 

Well yes I see your point and I agree with you in the sense of tags being used to describe ones experience...although that is up to the person in question to determine. Just because you personally only find importance in defining asexuality by how one experiences it currently someone else might take in their whole life experience or any other factors to know what label they land on and can identify most with. With asexuality being something more intrinsic I meant that it has always somewhat been there and that is the same for a trans woman as well. And if it hasn't been there before but is a sudden change then yes one can still determine that one is trans or asexual but that is individual by in what way one looks at it, in what one wishes to put importance on when deciding on a tag. It's not anyone else's decision. 

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

Everything's possible when you're willing to respect and accept personal needs and boundaries.

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[noize:injekktion]
28 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

Everything's possible when you're willing to respect and accept personal needs and boundaries.

this.

 

I wasn't really compatible with my ex, but I seem to be a perfect match for my current bf and neither of them is asexual.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
2 minutes ago, alpha decay said:

this.

 

I wasn't really compatible with my ex, but I seem to be a perfect match for my current bf and neither of them is asexual.

Really? oO Wow that's pretty cool but funny :D

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[noize:injekktion]
2 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

Really? oO Wow that's pretty cool but funny :D

it is :D I'm impressed by how well he deals with life without actually having sex XD it's really easy to share life with someone like him. <3

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

It happens rarely. I bet every person I'd ever ask out for a date would run if I'd start coming out as demi ace. Not that I care but yeah..that's how the story goes. Usually. You're such a lucky dog :D

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[noize:injekktion]

indeed it must be the luck :o the world would be an easier place to live if more men were like this, instead of thinking about certain things all the time. 

so maybe not every person, but the chance of meeting someone like this is rather low anyway :o

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Telecaster68

It's not willing, it's able, for both sexuals and asexuals. 

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NoLongerActive1234
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's not willing, it's able, for both sexuals and asexuals. 

Definitely! The will for it is at least a starting point to figure out if one is able to.

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dissolved

It very much depends on the individuals involved but I think for the most part, the answer is no.

 

People can be incompatible for all sorts of reasons, and if it's to do with something so... I was going to say basic, but that's not the word I'm looking for... Fundamental, I guess. Something so fundamental will be a deal breaker in the majority of cases. People might say they'll be fine without sex, but they don't realise how much they need it until they no longer have it. It's not like when you're single and you're mildly pissed off that you have no one to sleep with, it's beyond frustrating because there's this wonderful person that you want to share physical intimacy with and they don't really give a toss. 

 

I wasn't at all interested in sex during my teens and most of my 20s, hence why I ended up here. I eventually got past those issues, only to discover I am indeed rather heterosexual now that I'm pushing into my 30s. The ironic kick in the teeth has been my previous two attempts at relationships - both girls turned out to be borderline asexual. I realise now how hard it must've been for the people I was with when I was the one approaching asexuality.

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alibali
26 minutes ago, dissolved said:

People can be incompatible for all sorts of reasons, and if it's to do with something so... I was going to say basic, but that's not the word I'm looking for... Fundamental, I guess. Something so fundamental will be a deal breaker in the majority of cases. People might say they'll be fine without sex, but they don't realise how much they need it until they no longer have it. It's not like when you're single and you're mildly pissed off that you have no one to sleep with, it's beyond frustrating because there's this wonderful person that you want to share physical intimacy with and they don't really give a toss. 

You hit the nail on the head with two statements which I will put together from an asexual pov.

 

It's not that asexuals don't give a toss about the person, just they don't give a toss about the sex. And it isn't fundamental to them.

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dissolved
18 minutes ago, alibali said:

You hit the nail on the head with two statements which I will put together from an asexual pov.

 

It's not that asexuals don't give a toss about the person, just they don't give a toss about the sex. And it isn't fundamental to them.

I did mean they didn't give a toss about the sex rather than the person! 

 

I understand it from both sides of the coin, but I know that I feel worse now on the sexual side than I did on the asexual side. I dunno if that makes sense... I definitely felt guilty when my ex (we're talking a decade ago) wanted sex and I wasn't bothered, but I couldn't understand why they wanted sex quite so much in the first place. I let it go. When I was the sexual one bugging someone for sex, it felt gross. Hideous. Those people that I was with, they truly had no sexual desire for me whatsoever, but they wanted to be with me, which is the first major mindfuck. They want to be with me but they don't particularly want to touch me or anything like that... I struggle to make sense of that, even if it was how I felt however many years ago. The second mindfuck is along the lines of... why would I want to keep trying to have sex with someone who doesn't reciprocate? The fact that compromise is even a thing in this situation is abhorrent to me. I know I can't ever be with someone who is at the other end of the sexual spectrum again. Ever. Of my two recent relationships, I did sleep with the first girl (once) and afterwards she told me she wasn't bothered about sex in the slightest. I bailed, mostly because I felt like I'd done something she didn't want to. The second girl... the moment she said she wasn't all that enthusiastic about sex, I bailed. We'd fooled around a little before she told me, but I knew I couldn't go through it again. 

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Telecaster68

Dissolved... 

 

When you say it felt worse, do mean the guilt was worse? Or more complicated? You felt hideous because of the bugging... Or at least having the urge to bug, even if you didn't act on it? 

 

I've always had the view that both sexuals and asexuals in a relationship are going through some broadly equivalent emotional distress, but with the addition on the sexual side, there's the additional distress of not having one of the major ways to get past stresses as a couple - ie sex. More than that, the thing that would normally be healing makes it worse. But all this is subjective and almost impossible 

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alibali

Mindf*cks are not the intention. Mostly because asexuals still function as loving, caring human beings who form relationships or get on better with some people than others. And the fact is if someone is asexual it's not something they can help, nor do they necessarily want to be alone

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Telecaster68

I don't think anyone says they're the intention. But they really are the result, very often. 

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alibali

True. Feels that way the opposite too. Like why is this necessary? Why can't you talk to me instead? Why does it appear that you only care about me when we have sex? Which is just a kind of biological itch that needs to be scratched occasionally, isn't it? What does that have to do with love or caring? These are rhetorical questions. 

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Telecaster68

Well... In most relationships, people do talk as well. It's not a zero sum thing.

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dissolved
50 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Dissolved... 

 

When you say it felt worse, do mean the guilt was worse? Or more complicated? You felt hideous because of the bugging... Or at least having the urge to bug, even if you didn't act on it? 

 

I've always had the view that both sexuals and asexuals in a relationship are going through some broadly equivalent emotional distress, but with the addition on the sexual side, there's the additional distress of not having one of the major ways to get past stresses as a couple - ie sex. More than that, the thing that would normally be healing makes it worse. But all this is subjective and almost impossible 

Yeah the guilt is worse now than it ever was when it was me saying no. I could very easily let it go and it wouldn't bother me after a little while.

 

But now... It feels hideous because it's kinda rapey. Knowing that they don't really want to go through with it, and up until I'm reminded of that, I still want to do it anyway. Then it just cuts off all desire completely. Even if I still wanted to sleep with them on some level, I don't think my body would've cooperated. 

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dissolved
34 minutes ago, alibali said:

Mindf*cks are not the intention. Mostly because asexuals still function as loving, caring human beings who form relationships or get on better with some people than others. And the fact is if someone is asexual it's not something they can help, nor do they necessarily want to be alone

No, but now on the sexual side I'm made to feel as if it's me with the problem, whereas it's actually an incompatibility caused by both people. 

 

As telecaster frequently says, it's the asexual that "wins" in the sex vs no sex scenario. They get what they want, and it's the sexual one that's made to feel like shit, regardless of the intention.

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alibali

Lolol no, no sex = no communication....well other than householdy things, like who's doing the dishes, picking up kids etc....only my experience for the last 15 years of my marriage though. It was interesting when his attitude changed toward me at the only time in my life I had any kind of libido for about 6 months in my early 40s....I think my eggs were starting to realise there wasn't much time left and I didn't object too much.

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alibali
1 minute ago, dissolved said:

No, but now on the sexual side I'm made to feel as if it's me with the problem, whereas it's actually an incompatibility caused by both people. 

 

As telecaster frequently says, it's the asexual that "wins" in the sex vs no sex scenario. They get what they want, and it's the sexual one that's made to feel like shit, regardless of the intention.

Well strictly speaking i have been asexual always.....it didn't stop me from having sex especially when I was young and didn't know. I thought it was normal to not feel anything or want anything until about a year ago. Women are always being told that it's more difficult for women, and that it is necessary for men. But admittedly I gave up trying about 15 years into my marriage. Now I have been on my own for 2 years, and identified as asexual for 1 year.

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Telecaster68
14 minutes ago, dissolved said:

Yeah the guilt is worse now than it ever was when it was me saying no. I could very easily let it go and it wouldn't bother me after a little while.

 

But now... It feels hideous because it's kinda rapey. Knowing that they don't really want to go through with it, and up until I'm reminded of that, I still want to do it anyway. Then it just cuts off all desire completely. Even if I still wanted to sleep with them on some level, I don't think my body would've cooperated. 

It's weird and counterintuitive that for you felt more guilty for wanting something and accepting that you can't have it, than you did for getting your own way when you didn't want to have sex. It does chime with an element of shoulder shrugging I've noticed with some asexuals though, which can come across as callous. 

 

And the rapey thing - it's pretty common with sexuals to feel that way and I can see how it makes asexuals feel there's nothing they can do. Having experienced it from the other side, maybe you're even more aware than most sexuals of how hopeless it is? 

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Telecaster68
22 minutes ago, alibali said:

Lolol no, no sex = no communication....well other than householdy things, like who's doing the dishes, picking up kids etc....only my experience for the last 15 years of my marriage though. It was interesting when his attitude changed toward me at the only time in my life I had any kind of libido for about 6 months in my early 40s....I think my eggs were starting to realise there wasn't much time left and I didn't object too much.

This isn't intended as accusatory, just describing what could've been the sexual perspective on what you've described. 

 

But it's probably not entirely a choice, more like self protection as a reaction to the rejection after two years. It would be hard to see what had changed, and how something you'd been able to do for two years was suddenly intolerable, especially as when you wanted to get pregnant, it was tolerable again. As a sexual, it's very hard not to see this as simply choosing not to do something that you could if you wanted to, despite the pain it was causing to your husband, who's getting absolutely no choice in the matter - which can contribute to withdrawing resentfully because again it seems like callousness. 

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dissolved
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's weird and counterintuitive that for you felt more guilty for wanting something and accepting that you can't have it, than you did for getting your own way when you didn't want to have sex. It does chime with an element of shoulder shrugging I've noticed with some asexuals though, which can come across as callous. 

 

And the rapey thing - it's pretty common with sexuals to feel that way and I can see how it makes asexuals feel there's nothing they can do. Having experienced it from the other side, maybe you're even more aware than most sexuals of how hopeless it is? 

I'm not sure what exactly the guilt is centred on... It's not like I simply want something I can't have. I'm not just a naughty boy wanking over the hot babysitter. It's the fact that the thing I want would very likely cause someone a lot of distress, and I don't want to cause that. I can't reconcile in my mind that something I want, something that's meant to be fun and enjoyable and a bonding experience, could not only be boring and make her wish she was doing anything else in the world, but could also leave her feeling like she'd been coerced into something that she could in fact view as vile. Plus on top of that is the fact that I used to do my very best not to vomit in my mouth when a girlfriend at the time would proposition me. I would feel used if I ever went along with what they wanted, but I don't know if they ever felt rapey. It never occurred to me to ask, but then that was because I was still under the impression that the majority of people felt the same way about sex as I did at the time. 

 

RE: callousness, definitely. Asexual me saw it as their problem for wanting sex when I inevitably didn't, and maybe because of that or maybe because of some society based crap, it now feels like my problem to want sex when they inevitably don't. These past two girls certainly didn't see their lack of sexual desire as an issue. And of course it's not an issue - before it sounds like I'm suggesting asexuality is pathological - providing the person doesn't feel like it's an issue. Neither of them were cruel about it, per se, but of course we're told that the route of one's masculinity is the sex drive (even if that is a rather traditional view), so they expected me (and past partners) to be more sexual then they were themselves. Yeah, it was definitely my issue to deal with. Like, go wank in the bathroom or something, will you? 

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alibali
16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

This isn't intended as accusatory, just describing what could've been the sexual perspective on what you've described. 

 

But it's probably not entirely a choice, more like self protection as a reaction to the rejection after two years. It would be hard to see what had changed, and how something you'd been able to do for two years was suddenly intolerable, especially as when you wanted to get pregnant, it was tolerable again. As a sexual, it's very hard not to see this as simply choosing not to do something that you could if you wanted to, despite the pain it was causing to your husband, who's getting absolutely no choice in the matter - which can contribute to withdrawing resentfully because again it seems like callousness. 

I do see it now as his self protection, but only because I have discussed it more with others. After all if people don't talk about things you don't know that something that seems unececessary to you is necessary for someone else. To me it was just sex. Didn't mean anything.  It still doesn't. I see that people are bothered about it 

 

I wasn't trying to get pregnant by the way. I was getting older and trying my best to make things better.

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Telecaster68

Men wanting sex and being expected to be the ones pushing for it  is a thing, though I don't quite understand how that turns into people assuming women as a gender don't want it. Every woman I've been with has very, very definitely wanted it as much as me - to the extent that one was really pushy about me doing the whole dominant thing far more than I was naturally inclined to, and talked me into it. As it happened, I really enjoyed it... 

 

I guess the asexuals who don't really care that much about their partners feeling like crap are the flipside of the sexuals who aren't bothered whether their partners are actively enjoying it, and those sexuals probably don't end up agonising on Internet forums. 

 

Also... from what I can tell, many asexuals don't feel as repulsed as you did, and may genuinely be merely 'meh' rather than choking back puke. 

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Telecaster68
6 minutes ago, alibali said:

I do see it now as his self protection, but only because I have discussed it more with others. After all if people don't talk about things you don't know that something that seems unececessary to you is necessary for someone else. To me it was just sex. Didn't mean anything.  It still doesn't. I see that people are bothered about it 

 

I wasn't trying to get pregnant by the way. I was getting older and trying my best to make things better.

Yeah, he should've been open to talking about it. 

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