Jump to content
Lamkirk

Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?

Recommended Posts

vega57
25 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

Not all of those sexuals are assholes: some might just be really inexperienced. I think this is what happened to me in my second relationship, where my partner was a virgin. He didn't know what he was supposed to do, I am so uncomfortable discussing sex in person that I didn't tell him what to do or not to do and I guess he just assumed that everything was all right since he was enjoying himself and I didn't say anything negative. Me showing no interest or any sign of pleasure didn't cause him to have problems "performing", so I guess he really just didn't notice everything wasn't all right since he had no experience of what should happen when people are having (consensual) sex.

:(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gaogao
43 minutes ago, vega57 said:

But it's usually not a conscious "faking" it.  There's a belief that we're ALL "supposed" to love sex.  So, we "act" that way.  This is because the "desire" for sex is "supposed" to be "innate" in ALL of us.  We're never told that while desire (which is a fancy word for 'want') may be "innate", behavior (sexually) is not. 

Yes. That's right - desire can't be imitated -- only behaviour can. I think many aces just don't realise that we're faking it because we think everyone else is also faking it. I mean, I spent the majority of my teenage life thinking everyone was pretending to love sex, because I expected everyone was like me and it was just hyperbole since being sexual was cool. Sexual people wouldn't realise that, because they expect everyone is like them.

 

The point is that sexuals do have an innate desire for sex and they connect the behaviour with positive feelings. We don't, we have no idea what that feels like. For us, sex is just a behaviour and we don't connect any feelings to it, or we connect them negatively. We can't imagine connecting positive feelings to it or desiring it, but sexuals can't imagine NOT connecting positive feelings to it, and therein lies the misunderstanding.

 

Like.. many aces think it'll be fine if they just have sex every once and a while to make their partner happy, or that everything would be fine if they just opened up the relationship, but it doesn't always work that way, especially for sexual people who are monogamous. Being desired is important to them and hard for them to imagine a relationship that works otherwise. There's a need for both sides to understand where each is coming from.. 

 

26 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

Not all of those sexuals are assholes: some might just be really inexperienced

I understand what you mean, but when your partner gets a bit more experience, surely he'd realise it sucked for you and feel bad for putting you through it, wouldn't he? A person who loves and cares about you wouldn't have wanted it to suck, he just didn't imagine you weren't feeling what he felt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Because behaviour almost always denotes feelings. An asexual laying still and clearly waiting for it all to be over is like having a conversation with someone who's answering in monotones and monosyllables - it's clear they'd rather not be having the conversation at all, and it's no pleasure for anyone. 

You are of course making the assumption that all asexuals lie there inert and are simply willing to allow someone else to do what they want.

 

Not in my case. I basically prostituted myself for the payout of the person  I was with....whether that was for the relationship with the individual or because in the case of one night stands I was persuaded I had led them on. Inertia.....no. I was quite active and not unwilling. It just meant nothing to me other than knowing  I had pleased someone else. 

 

But I got to an age and stage in life where I couldn't keep "faking" . Pretty much when my children were a priority.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
swirl_of_blue
41 minutes ago, gaogao said:

I understand what you mean, but when your partner gets a bit more experience, surely he'd realise it sucked for you and feel bad for putting you through it, wouldn't he? A person who loves and cares about you wouldn't have wanted it to suck, he just didn't imagine you weren't feeling what he felt.

But if a person only has experience of being with someone unenthusiastic, how are they going to learn? If you make the same mistake every time you do something and are never corrected, will you even know you're doing something wrong? Especially if everything you know about sex is from porn, but you also know that porn is very far from reality. I could easily see such a scenario: you have watched porn, and know it is not true. You then have sex with someone who doesn't react the way porn actors do, and barely reacts to anything if at all. To me it would seem logical that that's the way real sex works, especially if the partner who's not reacting already has prior experience. I would certainly assume that the more experienced partner acts as a guide, tells if the more inexperienced one is making mistakes and all around takes more responsibility of that the sex is going the way it should. If the experienced partner says nothing, the inexperienced one assumes everything is all right and continues doing whatever they have been doing. And no one learns anything and is none the wiser.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

No, no.  Behaviour doesn't denote feelings:  THOUGHTS denote feelings that denote behavior. 

 

The problem that many suffer, is that our THOUGHTS (a.k.a. beliefs) don't correspond with our feelings and/or our behavior. 

 

I can believe that I'm "supposed" to have sex (behavior).  Yet, when I have sex, I don't "feel" good about it. 

Many feelings don't go through the conscious 'thoughts' stage though. 

 

The sequence isn't thinking 'I'm sitting outside a nice pub with my friends on a summer's day, I must be happy.' followed by feeling happy, followed by deciding the appropriate behaviour is to to curl the ends of my mouth upwards into a smile. I just smile because I'm happy, without even being conscious of it. And most people would see me smiling (behaviour) and infer that it means I'm happy. Behaviour denoting feelings.

 

3 hours ago, vega57 said:

Not quite sure I get what you're asking....?

When you said nobody had ever asked if you wanted sex, did you mean it had never been brought up in general as a thing you want as part of a relationship, or did you mean nobody had ever asked (either verbally or nonverbally) whether you wanted sex at the point of initiating?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
12 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I hope you realize that's basically like telling someone "You're a complete jackass.  No offense"

 

Your second statement is rendered meaningless tripe because you've already managed to offend with the first one.

It's not helpful to criticize other people on this website with no understanding of how offensive one can come across. If you are going to comment please be respectful of what other people have experienced. You seem to know nothing of my circumstances otherwise you would not have posted your comments.

The AVEN definition of asexuality is as follows: 

'An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who someone is. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently'

In sexuals, that attraction is there. In asexuals, it is not. So in terms of comparison between the two, some conditions are missing/different, are they not? And did I say anywhere that there is an inferiority between the two. No, I didn't. Only you have inferred that, not me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

It's not helpful to criticize other people on this website with no understanding of how offensive one can come across. If you are going to comment please be respectful of what other people have experienced. You seem to know nothing of my circumstances otherwise you would not have posted your comments.

You're all but spelling out that you feel asexuals are less than human, are lacking "chemicals" or whatever other qualities you think it is that makes the rest of the sexual world more "human", or what have you.  If anyone is coming off as criticizing, it is you.

 

If that was not your intent, then consider this my attempt to be "helpful" to you by letting you know that, yes, that is how you come across, and you may want to work on your wording some.

 

I don't give two shits about your "circumstances", to be quite honest.  All I know is that I read some disparaging commentary about asexuals that really rubbed me the wrong way badly enough for me to comment on it.

 

Quote

In sexuals, that attraction is there. In asexuals, it is not. So in terms of comparison between the two, some conditions are missing/different, are they not? And did I say anywhere that there is an inferiority between the two. No, I didn't. Only you have inferred that, not me.

Here's a news flash for you: when you outright say that someone is less than human because of XYZ -- and no, that is not an inference, that is exactly what you said: the difference between sexuals and asexuals is something about how the latter is missing some of "the ingredients that make us human" -- people are, unsurprisingly, not going to take too kindly to it.

 

Unless you were deliberately attempting to offend, you may want to try again.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gaogao
1 hour ago, swirl_of_blue said:

But if a person only has experience of being with someone unenthusiastic, how are they going to learn? 

... by talking to their partner? I mean, sure, this hypothetical person might not know until WAY WAY LATER, but not knowing doesn't mean they don't care. There's a difference between ignorance and inconsideration.

 

Of course, talking isn't foolproof because an ace person who doesn't know that they're ace might be like, "yeah, that was fine, same as always" and their partner might think everything is fine for years, but after a while, when the ace person doesn't initiate and says no to sex over and over again, the sexual person is going to be like "wait what has changed? why don't you want to have sex with me any more? what have I done wrong?" and the ace person is going to be like "Sorry, nothing has changed, I've just never really enjoyed it."

 

A normal sexual person will be upset and feel horrible and guilty because they'll realise that they've been enjoying sex with the person they love but the person they love has just been tolerating it all along.  That would hurt them, and the asexual person wouldn't entirely understand why because we don't experience or understand that emotional/positive connection.

 

An asshole would be like, oh, you never enjoyed it? I don't care. I still want to do it. Let's do it anyway. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AussieIsAce

this is just how i feel.

 

if i dated a man who was sexual and actively wanted sex in the relationship i couldn't provide that so we wouldn't work out.

 

if i dated a man who was sexual and let him fuck other people he would end up finding a girl just like me but also sexual and he would leave me for her.

 

if i date an ace person there isnt any cheating or sex crap to worry about. i dont have to force myself to have sex or kiss. i get to be me without the sexual pressure that sexual people put on ace people. i get to just explore the feelings i have for the person knowing ill never feel uncomfortable or be put in a spot where id hate to be.

 

so for me personally, no im not compatible sexually with sexual people. Emotionally sure, if we have things in common but i wont suck your penis so theres that.

 

ace people who will have sex might be able to. ace people who find a person willing to give up things for you. but mostly sexual people want sex at least once per week and i couldnt even have sex once in my life time so yeah no thanks. 

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Many feelings don't go through the conscious 'thoughts' stage though. 

I never said they did, Tele.  Our beliefs are in operation, whether we're conscious of them presently or not. 

 

However, our behavior doesn't always match our thinking and our feelings.  When all three are in sync, that's what we call harmony

 

 

Quote

When you said nobody had ever asked if you wanted sex, did you mean it had never been brought up in general as a thing you want as part of a relationship, or did you mean nobody had ever asked (either verbally or nonverbally) whether you wanted sex at the point of initiating?

I meant as a general thing.  It was simply assumed that sex would be something I WOULD do.  No one even suggested that it might be something that I wouldn't WANT to do. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
34 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I never said they did, Tele.  Our beliefs are in operation, whether we're conscious of them presently or not. 

 

However, our behavior doesn't always match our thinking and our feelings.  When all three are in sync, that's what we call harmony

 

 

I meant as a general thing.  It was simply assumed that sex would be something I WOULD do.  No one even suggested that it might be something that I wouldn't WANT to do. 

 

I'm not sure what your point was about thoughts and feelings in that case. 

 

The not asking thing... since 99% of the population is sexual (and I know you query that but it's the best we have at the moment, and even if it was 100% out, we're still talking about 2% so my point still holds)  the reasonable assumption is that someone interested in a relationship is interested in sex. It's like someone agreeing to meet in a bar then saying they don't want anything to drink... not the entire point of meeting in a bar, but generally quite an important one. It's a reasonable assumption based on experience and probability. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm not sure what your point was about thoughts and feelings in that case. 

 

The not asking thing... since 99% of the population is sexual (and I know you query that but it's the best we have at the moment, and even if it was 100% out, we're still talking about 2% so my point still holds)  the reasonable assumption is that someone interested in a relationship is interested in sex. It's like someone agreeing to meet in a bar then saying they don't want anything to drink... not the entire point of meeting in a bar, but generally quite an important one. It's a reasonable assumption based on experience and probability. 

Except no man/woman is an island. Even asexuals want to have important relationships in their life. It's just much more difficult.

 

Question for sexuals. Why do you continue in relationships where you know your partner is asexual. Why not move on instead of complaining about your partner??   Maybe the person is more important than the sex....but that is then your choice.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Ali 

 

I wasn't implying any fault, just describing why people assume everyone is sexual - because they're right almost all the time. 

 

As to why continue... Same reasons as asexuals continue rather than leave. 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
8 hours ago, gaogao said:

Yes. That's right - desire can't be imitated -- only behaviour can. I think many aces just don't realise that we're faking it because we think everyone else is also faking it. I mean, I spent the majority of my teenage life thinking everyone was pretending to love sex, because I expected everyone was like me and it was just hyperbole since being sexual was cool. Sexual people wouldn't realise that, because they expect everyone is like them.

I had those same thoughts.  Even after the first time I had sex (out of curiosity), I couldn't see what all the excitement was about.  And the first time I had an orgasm through partnered sex, I STILL couldn't see what all the excitement was about.  I remember thinking something along the lines of, "Dang!  I don't need a partner for THAT!  I can do THAT myself!" 

 

Quote

Like.. many aces think it'll be fine if they just have sex every once and a while to make their partner happy, or that everything would be fine if they just opened up the relationship, but it doesn't always work that way, especially for sexual people who are monogamous. Being desired is important to them and hard for them to imagine a relationship that works otherwise. There's a need for both sides to understand where each is coming from.. 

I'm assuming you mean that being desired sexually is important to them.  An asexual can desire to be with the person in many other ways besides sex.  I actually wonder why it's so important to a sexual to be desired sexually.  I mean, what does that kind of desire represent? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
17 minutes ago, vega57 said:

"Dang!  I don't need a partner for THAT!  I can do THAT myself!" 

 

I actually wonder why it's so important to a sexual to be desired sexually.  I mean, what does that kind of desire represent? 

.... whereas most sexuals would react 'I really *can't* do that by myself. That was a whole other thing'. A bit like tickling yourself just isn't the same. 

 

That kind of desire is about feeling a deep-seated visceral hunger for you from someone you feel the same way about. It's intoxicating. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
swirl_of_blue
6 hours ago, gaogao said:

There's a difference between ignorance and inconsideration.

Exactly this! It's just that I've heard it said so often that any time a sexual doesn't seem to care HAS to be because they're a selfish ass, and that it can't because they can't read the situation (usually due to inexperience). I would even guess that at least among younger people (teens and 20-somethings)  it would be more common that the cause of the sexual partner acting like everything is just fine is that they don't notice their partner isn't enjoying, rather than that they really are being selfish and uncaring. Not everyone has the social skills and frankness to communicate to their partner, and without experience of intimate relationships it can be almost impossible to read what is left unsaid.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
3 hours ago, alibali said:

Except no man/woman is an island. Even asexuals want to have important relationships in their life. It's just much more difficult.

The irony about this is that it's even difficult for some sexuals to have the kind of sexual relationship they want.  Two people can be sexual, yet their idea of the 'perfect' frequency (and kind of sex acts they would want) can be vastly different, leading to many angry tearful days and/or nights.  And, according to a whole bunch of therapists, the NUMBER ONE COMPLAINT among sexual couples is about  the frequency of sex 

 

In my late husband's case, he was NEVER satisfied.  If we had sex 3 times a week, he wanted it every day.  If we had it ever day, he wanted it three times a day.  If we did it three times a day, he wanted to do it in every room of the house.  If we did it in three times a day, every day, in different rooms of the house, he wanted to do every position known to man. 

 

And so on. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

n=1 isn't a great basis for generalisations. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
6 hours ago, alibali said:

Question for sexuals. Why do you continue in relationships where you know your partner is asexual. Why not move on instead of complaining about your partner??   Maybe the person is more important than the sex....but that is then your choice.

Well, what about the asexuals who stay even though they're unhappy because they know their partner desires sex and is unhappy without it. Why not just leave?

 

Sometimes (well, often) when people are in love and have built a life together (or at least have hopes and dreams of a future together) giving all that up can just seem too painful no matter how unhappy some aspects of the relationship may make them. It can take many, many years before one can find the strength to throw away something so deeply imortant to them, no matter how unhappy they are.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

.... whereas most sexuals would react 'I really *can't* do that by myself. That was a whole other thing'. A bit like tickling yourself just isn't the same. 

 

That kind of desire is about feeling a deep-seated visceral hunger for you from someone you feel the same way about. It's intoxicating. 

Oh, but I CAN tickle myself.  I've used a feather before, when I was a kid, and the feeling was WILD, lol! 

 

As for the "intoxication", I have had that feeling before, too...WITHOUT being sexual. 

 

Didn't feel like I was "missing" anything. 

 

It's curious that you used the word "intoxicating", though.  I've heard/read sexuals describe their experiences as feeling "drunk", "high", "stoned" and "drugged".  My late husband actually looked "stoned" when we had sex.  Said he felt the same way. 

 

Makes me wonder...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

n=1 isn't a great basis for generalisations. 

Huh?  :huh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Daniela
On 8/8/2017 at 11:42 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

I understand why couples who realize that one of the partners is asexual after they are already in a committed relationship want to find a way to save the relationship without making either partner miserable. The success rate is low, but it makes sense to try. What doesn't make sense to me is people who are currently single seeking incompatible partners in a premeditated way. Why do so many asexuals seem to think a mixed relationship is more desirable than a relationship with another asexual?

 

Yes, I realize that you have to do some work up front to date within a minority orientation. For the most part, gay people go right ahead and do that work, and they encourage other gay people to do the same. The asexual movement is newer than the LGBT movement, but asexuals have quite a few advantages that the LGBT movement did not have in the beginning. The asexual movement has had the internet from day one, which makes finding each other trivially easy compared to what gay people went through when I was growing up. Also, the LGBT movement has already happened, and the asexual movement can piggyback on the increased awareness and publicity about sexual orientations to a large degree. Finally, asexuals can come out with no risk of anything worse than some losers making fun of them. Asexuality has never been criminalized. No one has ever been fired for being asexual. Asexual dating sites may not be perfect, but gay dating sites simply did not exist when I was a young adult. And yet gay people persisted in the face of very real risk and discrimination and found other gay people to date. I just don't think the barriers to asexuals dating other asexuals are great enough to justify treating mixed relationships as the community norm.

Fantastic thinking!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
26 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Oh, but I CAN tickle myself.  I've used a feather before, when I was a kid, and the feeling was WILD, lol! 

 

As for the "intoxication", I have had that feeling before, too...WITHOUT being sexual. 

 

Didn't feel like I was "missing" anything. 

 

It's curious that you used the word "intoxicating", though.  I've heard/read sexuals describe their experiences as feeling "drunk", "high", "stoned" and "drugged".  My late husband actually looked "stoned" when we had sex.  Said he felt the same way. 

 

Makes me wonder...

Yeah everything to do with having sex with (and being desired by) the person you love is certainly quite an intoxicating feeling under the right circumstances. It makes you feel euphoric and deeply satisfied in a way masturbation alone never could. I'm not saying all sexual people experience that though, but many would definitely agree with me that under the right circumstances, sex (and being desired by the person you desire to have sex with) is definitely an intoxicating experience in the best possible way. That's one of the reasons it's so desirable: it just feels so good physically (way better than masturbation alone) and even more-so emotionally. And I've never even had an actual partnered orgasm physically :P but even just cyber sex with the right person (which is all I've done since discovering I can enjoy it enough to desire it) feels so much better than masturbation alone and that's because the emotional feelings of being desired by the other person really heighten the pleasure and make the orgasm deeper etc. That extreme heightened arousal can also lower your inhibitions and make you do things you'd be too embarrassed to do if you weren't insanely horny haha, so in that sense it's also a bit like being drunk lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
22 minutes ago, Daniela said:

Nano said: I just don't think the barriers to asexuals dating other asexuals are great enough ..

Well, other than, you know.. the *actual* barriers. As in asexuals being so few and far between that you usually have to meet them online and you can be so far away from each other that it would be impossible for you to even meet physically, let alone live together, unless you're both wealthy so can travel back and forward whenever you want to see family, pay the immigration costs (hundreds of thousands of dollars here) etc etc. Most people aren't seeking a long term distance/online relationship yet for many asexuals, that can literally be the only choice unless they choose to try to date sexual people (which no, I don't recommend. I'm just saying - the physical barriers can actually be tremendous  due to how rare asexuality actually is)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
23 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Yeah everything to do with having sex with (and being desired by) the person you love is certainly quite an intoxicating feeling under the right circumstances. It makes you feel euphoric and deeply satisfied in a way masturbation alone never could. I'm not saying all sexual people experience that though, but many would definitely agree with me that under the right circumstances, sex (and being desired by the person you desire to have sex with) is definitely an intoxicating experience in the best possible way. That's one of the reasons it's so desirable: it just feels so good physically (way better than masturbation alone) and even more-so emotionally. And I've never even had an actual partnered orgasm physically :P but even just cyber sex with the right person (which is all I've done since discovering I can enjoy it enough to desire it) feels so much better than masturbation alone and that's because the emotional feelings of being desired by the other person really heighten the pleasure and make the orgasm deeper etc. That extreme heightened arousal can also lower your inhibitions and make you do things you'd be too embarrassed to do if you weren't insanely horny haha, so in that sense it's also a bit like being drunk lol.

Now, see?  You've also described the feeling as "intoxicating" and even "euphoric".  *waves a nagging finger toward Ficto while laughing hysterically*

 

I've never really been involved with the 'drug culture', but it almost sounds like you're describing what it's like on cocaine.  Feeling of 'euphoria'....can 'conquer the world'...a 'boost' of 'self-esteem'...short-lived, coupled with the desire to 'get more'...SOON!

 

When I wrote earlier that it "Makes me wonder...."  I've been wondering if the chemical 'cocktail' that's released in SOME people's brains during sex is either non-existent for asexuals and/or, if asexuals have experienced that 'release' (IF they ever had sex, that is) as something that's simply not worth writing home about.  Kind of like, drinking alcohol and never getting a 'buzz', or smoking weed and never getting high. 

 

Maybe that chemical cocktail is more 'addicting' than we think. 

 

But is that a good thing?  I mean, I would hate to think of myself as someone's 'pusher' or 'supplier'.  I wouldn't want to be dependent on someone else to make me feel 'good'.  Once again, I can do that by myself. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 hours ago, vega57 said:

Now, see?  You've also described the feeling as "intoxicating" and even "euphoric".  *waves a nagging finger toward Ficto while laughing hysterically*

 

I've never really been involved with the 'drug culture', but it almost sounds like you're describing what it's like on cocaine.  Feeling of 'euphoria'....can 'conquer the world'...a 'boost' of 'self-esteem'...short-lived, coupled with the desire to 'get more'...SOON!

 

When I wrote earlier that it "Makes me wonder...."  I've been wondering if the chemical 'cocktail' that's released in SOME people's brains during sex is either non-existent for asexuals and/or, if asexuals have experienced that 'release' (IF they ever had sex, that is) as something that's simply not worth writing home about.  Kind of like, drinking alcohol and never getting a 'buzz', or smoking weed and never getting high. 

 

Maybe that chemical cocktail is more 'addicting' than we think. 

 

But is that a good thing?  I mean, I would hate to think of myself as someone's 'pusher' or 'supplier'.  I wouldn't want to be dependent on someone else to make me feel 'good'.  Once again, I can do that by myself. 

I actually suffered from alcohol addiction from my late teens to mid 20s - I was diagnosed as physically alcohol dependent by age 19, so I definitely know what it feels like to be addicted to something that can have a severely negative impact on your life but at the same time not being able to live without it! Whereas sex (for me personally) doesn't come with a same 'desperate need' to continuously be engaged in it, which was what alcohol addiction felt like. It was very painful being addicted to alcohol, but it was much more painful  (both physically and emotionally) not drinking it D: Sex is something that can give an amazing buzz and make one feel really good about themselves emotionally and physically, it really can be an intoxicating experience (though I must reiterate, under the right circumstances with the right person!) HOWEVER I personally could get by without ever actually having it again. It's something I can look forward to and enjoy for the sake of the physical and emotional pleasure it gives, and I do miss it a bit at times when I'm not having it (though it's more the connection with the other person I miss, and being desired, not so much the act of sex itself) BUT I won't go crazy or anything without it :P Also, another way it's different from a bad drug addiction is that it is no way destructive in my life and is more like something fun I can do with my partner along with the other fun stuff we do - gaming, watching shows together, reading books together etc etc. It's enjoyable, makes us both feel good, and gives us both something extra to look forward to and enjoy when we are in the mood BUT doesn't cause pain and suffering the way other types of addiction would. Of course some people DO get badly physically addicted to sex until it actually begins to negatively impact their life and can become harmful and destructive, but I guess I can just enjoy it for 'recreational' pleasure and not experience any kind of addiction to it, haha!

 

I know back when I was, er 'functionally asexual', I never, ever felt any kind of physical or emotional enjoyment from sex. It was like an awful chore I felt I had no choice but to do, and I just assumed everyone (well, every woman) must actually feel that way about it and just be really good at hiding it. I started believing I'd been lied to about the ways women can enjoy sex because I felt nothing but pain during it - like that hole was just not made for anything to go inside it lol, and definitely felt a lot of boredom and resentment. My ex was a twice a day kind of guy, so that certainly didn't help matters T_T Sex was actually a big contributor to how addicted I became to alcohol, because I just stopped being able to face the idea of having to have it sober. At least it was easier to zone out when drunk! That lasted for like 5-6 years years, but I've been physically celibate since then (6 years now) and only recently discovered how much physical and emotional pleasure certain types of sex can bring under the right circumstances with the right person! Now that I've experienced this more euphoric kind of partnered sexual release, I'll always know that (with the right person) it's more pleasurable for me than masturbation alone.. and I certainly won't EVER have mediocre sex again lol. If I'm not 100% into it and  100% wanting it then I'm not going to have it, screw that! (no pun intended lol). I'd rather have no sex, ever, than sex I won't fully enjoy.

 

Obviously I can only speak for myself though, not all sexual people experience it the same way as me!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally
8 hours ago, vega57 said:

  I actually wonder why it's so important to a sexual to be desired sexually. 

Because the sexual wants a mutual experience.   I'm an asexual, but I can certainly understand why if A sexually desires B, A would want B to desire them also.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MrDane
23 minutes ago, Sally said:

Because the sexual wants a mutual experience.   I'm an asexual, but I can certainly understand why if A sexually desires B, A would want B to desire them also.  

Yeah! it is like a basic, primitive, feel-good, sharing sharing sharing experience. Not having it, can make it blurry to receive/feel other signs of love, since this top-category affects the rest, when it is not ,to some extend present. (Like a compromise between two sexuals makes the desire present and the ability to share sex possible) sometimes it feels like When I see her and  I ligth up inside in a happy way as my natural response to being near her. And her natural (ace) response is acknowledging with a 'oh, no. It is him'

..I know it is not like that, but that it is how I feel at first, and then my brain kicks in and tells me, that it is just because we speak different love-languages! Afterwards I feel that she loves me, but I still feel the pain from before I remebered her love language.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
6 hours ago, vega57 said:

Now, see?  You've also described the feeling as "intoxicating" and even "euphoric".  *waves a nagging finger toward Ficto while laughing hysterically*

 

I've never really been involved with the 'drug culture', but it almost sounds like you're describing what it's like on cocaine.  Feeling of 'euphoria'....can 'conquer the world'...a 'boost' of 'self-esteem'...short-lived, coupled with the desire to 'get more'...SOON!

 

When I wrote earlier that it "Makes me wonder...."  I've been wondering if the chemical 'cocktail' that's released in SOME people's brains during sex is either non-existent for asexuals and/or, if asexuals have experienced that 'release' (IF they ever had sex, that is) as something that's simply not worth writing home about.  Kind of like, drinking alcohol and never getting a 'buzz', or smoking weed and never getting high. 

 

Maybe that chemical cocktail is more 'addicting' than we think. 

 

But is that a good thing?  I mean, I would hate to think of myself as someone's 'pusher' or 'supplier'.  I wouldn't want to be dependent on someone else to make me feel 'good'.  Once again, I can do that by myself. 

I think you may be right, for some asexuals, about sex and orgasms just not feeling that good. Others have said they do really enjoy it when they get into it. 

 

To almost dismiss it as an addiction just because it gives enough pleasure to seek out again seems puritanical though. You might as well right off exercise on that basis too. Both do good rather than harm, which is a key difference. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...