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Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?


Lamkirk

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I don't identify as ace or ace spectrum. I was married to a sexual man for a few years, and while we were close, that relationship doesn't hold a candle to the intimacy I've developed in my current relationship with a partner who does identify as ace/ace spectrum.

 

It happens to work for us. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of commitment and (on his part) a lot of reassurance, but I've found that he does such a good job supporting me in all other areas of my life (my ex-husband did not) that I'm very happy to compromise on the sex bit. Actually, the perspective he's able to bring to my life alone is worth it, to me.

 

It's just kind of funny that sexual incompatibility contributed to ending my marriage but is not much of a factor in my current relationship. :lol:

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I don't identify as asexual anymore and, despite desiring sex, I still don't consider myself compatible with most sexual men. I've heard a lot of sexual guys complaining about marriage, sexual monogamy, and different libidos, and their partners are sexuals as well, so... Sex usually becomes a problem even in normal long-term relationships, so I have no reason to believe that mixed relationships would work.

 

I know that I'd feel miserable with a guy who is deep down blaming me for depriving him of something he wants. And I'd resent him as well, because I'm much more monogamous and less sexual than the average straight man, it seems, and I don't want to feel like a target, as if I'm being elected to fulfill someone's needs. Besides, I prefer not doing something I want than being nagged/guilt-tripped into doing something I don't want. That's why I'd probably prefer a relationship with an ace or grey-sexual than with a "normal" sexual guy.

 

Of course, some mixed long-term relationships work quite well, but they seem to be very rare. More often than not, there are underlying feelings of guilt, resentment, anxiety, and frustration on both sides, and it ends up contamining the rest of the relationship. Most sexuals say that they wouldn't have married their partners if they knew what they were getting into, but they're usually too reluctant to take the initiative and breakup. And I know it's much harder for romantic asexuals to find a partner, but being single would actually allow them to look for someone compatible and find true happiness, which is better than insisting on a relationship that won't work, especially in the long term.

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I've been with my Allo partner for five years so far and we're pretty happy

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