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Are sexuals and asexuals really compatible?


Lamkirk

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I wish life wasn't so complicated................................................:mellow:

Perhaps if I commit to Buddhism I may come back as a leaf. On in Spring and off in Autumn. Simple. 

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On 11/2/2017 at 11:14 AM, Telecaster68 said:

The flipside of that applies too.

 

Men are treading the line between being the strong silent self-reliant protector, and being the sensitive, vulnerable, toilet-cleaning equal partner. Too much one way and we're meatheaded red-pillers, too much the other way and we're whiny cucks.

 

And as for a man who doesn't want sex with women? Either gay or making excuses because they can't get a woman. Or constantly chasing women? Ask Stephen Fallon or Harvey Weinstein how that's working out. Judging by the current shitstorm, I really don't think 'boys will be boys' is the get out it once was - nobody (outside of Twitter trolls) is saying that about the current stories, for instance. There clearly is a wider power imbalance issue, but I don't think the cultural representation issue is simple patriarchal oppression any more. It's complicated for both sides.

 

Also - define 'society'...

I must be a meatheaded cuck, he he!

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9 hours ago, vega57 said:

The age group surveyed was both men and women between 15-74.  Over 6000 females and over 4000 males participated.  (I'll see if I can find the survey)

 

I also saw another survey about people who identify as asexual.  I think it's an ongoing survey, and to date, over 113,000 people have participated.  So far, 7% identify as asexual. 

But once again, how accurate is that figure?  If the survey asks (for instance), "What is your sexual orientation?" and gives multiple choice possibilities, including 'Asexual', how is someone going to answer the question accurately if they may not even know what asexuality is? 

I think if they just asked every one of those thousands of people 'do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure'? The answers would reflect a lot more accurately what percentage of people are asexual. I mean, that would be the absolute truest way to gauge who is asexual and who is not. Because I've seen a lot of those surveys and the questions are so vague that they pretty much come down to how every individual personally defines sexual attraction, sexual desire etc. A LOT of the people who come to AVEN ID as asexual because they say they 'don't experience sexual attraction' then go on to say they do love sex sometimes, or that they're ace but only experience sexual attraction to people every now and then (which erm, isn't ace), or they say 'I desire sex but I don't desire people sexually' (and that is something that's often confused even if studies specify sexual desire or libido) etc etc. But if they just made a survey that questioned thousands of people from all different walks of life (not just LGBT people) 'do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure?' then they'd know exactly who is asexual and who is not. If they wanted to know the exact gay/bi/hetero statistics, they'd then only need to go on to ask 'If yes, which people of a certain gender/s are you more likely to desire partnered sexual intimacy with? Men? Women? Both? No preference as to gender? (that last is pan, NOT asexual as some here seem to think lol).

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23 hours ago, vega57 said:

Oh, trust me.  I don't believe that 50% of ALL people don't have an interest in sex.  That's why I wrote "surveyed".  But until ALL of the 'stats' are in, I think that the numbers are worth looking at more in depth...and not dismissed as some 'quirk'. 

 

This is where I get lost.  We spend so much time on AVEN trying to define 'asexuality', that I wonder about how we define "sexuality". 

 

Exactly how do we define "sexuals"?  Are they people who *desire* and have/want to have sex?  Are they people who have sex, even if they don't necessarily *desire* it?  Plenty of people have sex without the actual *desire*.  We just don't know how many.  Behavior doesn't equate to feelings, or even thoughts.  Lots of people take out their trash, even if they don't especially 'like' doing it.  Can't the same thing be said about sex? (slaps forehead...did I just compare sex to trash?????:D)

 

At what point do we get to 'settle' on our views AFTER we've already re-evaluated?  It's not as if someone told me something at 10 years old, and I've ALWAYS held on to that 10 year old view.  I've tested....re-evaluated...and finally come to a conclusion that 'works' for my own life.  I ASKED myself, "Do I even LIKE sex?  And if so, WHY?".  I came up with the answers.  But a LOT of people "out there" don't examine their own values, beliefs, etc. in order to find their own 'truth'.  They simply 'go with the flow'.  I think the same way about sex as I do religion.  I tested...tossed...thrown aside...ripped apart...and FINALLY concluded, that for *m life*, my religious beliefs work for me.  I see sex the same way.  Already been there, done that. 

 

Interesting points there, @vega57!

when do we know that we have settled and will not change? I dont know excactly what it takes to verify as a sexual. 

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1 hour ago, FictoVore. said:

I think if they just asked every one of those thousands of people 'do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure'? The answers would reflect a lot more accurately what percentage of people are asexual. I mean, that would be the absolute truest way to gauge who is asexual and who is not. Because I've seen a lot of those surveys and the questions are so vague that they pretty much come down to how every individual personally defines sexual attraction, sexual desire etc. A LOT of the people who come to AVEN ID as asexual because they say they 'don't experience sexual attraction' then go on to say they do love sex sometimes, or that they're ace but only experience sexual attraction to people every now and then (which erm, isn't ace), or they say 'I desire sex but I don't desire people sexually' (and that is something that's often confused even if studies specify sexual desire or libido) etc etc. But if they just made a survey that questioned thousands of people from all different walks of life (not just LGBT people) 'do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure?' then they'd know exactly who is asexual and who is not. If they wanted to know the exact gay/bi/hetero statistics, they'd then only need to go on to ask 'If yes, which people of a certain gender/s are you more likely to desire partnered sexual intimacy with? Men? Women? Both? No preference as to gender? (that last is pan, NOT asexual as some here seem to think lol).

Very clever! Everything about the question matters if you are to use the answer. 

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15 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I think if they just asked every one of those thousands of people 'do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure'? The answers would reflect a lot more accurately what percentage of people are asexual. I mean, that would be the absolute truest way to gauge who is asexual and who is not.

I'm not sure if that question would garner more accurate responses, Ficto.  After all, there are asexuals who sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for their partner's pleasure.  While the asexual gets nothing out of sex itself, (s)he may get an enormous amount of emotional pleasure out of giving their partner sexual satisfaction. 

 

Maybe the question should be:  Do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for your own sexual pleasure? 

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On 11/1/2017 at 1:43 PM, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Plus, some asexuals have mentioned that they weren't 100% sure of their feelings on whether they did or didn't want sex, partly due to the fact that they weren't taught about asexuality being okay or normal, growing up. They weren't deliberately trying to deceive their sexual partners; they spent years, decades, feeling bad and confused about their feelings, too, and genuinely thought that because they had a romantic attraction to their sexual partner, that that must mean they're heterosexual (or homosexual, etc.) and just needed to try sex more often, in order to possibly feel sexual attraction like "everyone else" and "cure" themselves,

 Exactly me and growing up trying to figure out how relationships work.

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8 hours ago, vega57 said:

I'm not sure if that question would garner more accurate responses, Ficto.  After all, there are asexuals who sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for their partner's pleasure.  While the asexual gets nothing out of sex itself, (s)he may get an enormous amount of emotional pleasure out of giving their partner sexual satisfaction. 

 

Maybe the question should be:  Do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for your own sexual pleasure? 

Someone who desires the emotional pleasure of sexually pleasing someone else is still sexual, I actually made a post about this exact topic yesterday so I'll copy/paste it here :)

 

"When I worked at a brotheI, men wouId actuaIIy pay a Iot of money for that exact thing (giving oral or whatever without caring about their own physical pleasure). These clients feIt they couldn't ask their wives for this because they were worried the wives would be unhappy if the husbands didn't appear to want to be actively involved in the sex, but what they reaIIy secretly desired was just to make women cum without them experiencing sexual release themselves. Obviously they knew the prostitute was faking the pleasure, but they'd rather pay a shitIoad of money to at Ieast get a replica of the experience they truly desired than go without it - what they desired though was the emotional high of getting a woman off while they themselves didn't orgasm or 'get off' physicaIIy. The difference between that and an asexual is that an asexual may do it if their partner wants it, but doesn't actively desire it for (emotional) pleasure. An ace would very happily (even prefer to) go without that partnered sex, whereas a sexual man wiII enjoy and desire it enough to feeI unsatisfied if he can't experience that with his sexuaI partner (a woman can desire that too of course)"

 

That's my copy/pasted comment. I myself am like that also in that the sexual acts I know I'd enjoy enough to actually desire don't actually involve myself being stimulated by the other. It's things I can do to him or he can do to me that bring HIM sexual release and orgasm, but my own genitals aren't involved and I have a preference for that. Yes it's definitely a minority sexual behaviour (the total absebse of desiring being physically pleasured by the other person) but that desire for emotional pleasure through partnered sex is still a sexual thing and not an ace thing. (Also of course many sexual people desire partnered sex because of that emotional pleasure of pleasing someone else/sharing sexual pleasure - just for the majority of them their own physical sexual pleasure is also important).

 

For people who are confused about that, they could have a few explanations under the question in the survey like:

 

- desiring sexual intimacy with a partner is different from a desire to masturbate. It's when you actively desire (at least under some circumstances) to connect sexually with another person for pleasure.

- an asexual person may desire to make their sexual partner happy so engage in sex without desiring reciprocation and without actively seeking the sexual and/or emotional pleasure sex brings them. If you desire the partnered sexual act for the sexual and/or emotional pleasure of pleasing another, and would be unhappy without that experience in your sexual relationships, that still counts as a desire to connect sexually with others even if it's the other person's pleasure that you desire and enjoy. An asexual person does it because they want to make their partner happy but would be happier themselves not having sex if that was an option. A hetero/homo/bi/pansexual person will actively desire that partnerer sexual experience for the pleasure (sexual and/or emotional) that act brings both themselves and their partner.

 

I personally think all surveys should have clarifying notes like this to help get more accurate responses, but many of the ones I've seen (even some of the more official ones) don't take the time to actively explain what they mean in their questions to help eliminate confusion!

 

Here's the thread my pasted quote was from if anyone is interested: 

 

 

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9 hours ago, vega57 said:

I'm not sure if that question would garner more accurate responses, Ficto.  After all, there are asexuals who sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for their partner's pleasure.  While the asexual gets nothing out of sex itself, (s)he may get an enormous amount of emotional pleasure out of giving their partner sexual satisfaction. 

 

Maybe the question should be:  Do you sometimes desire partnered sexual intimacy for your own sexual pleasure? 

Yeah, but that sounds a bit like 'i do not care about whether my partner gets anything out of it!'

 

Not an easy question to make. 

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In response to the question of this thread; from my experience i would say asexuals (not grey asexuals) and sexuals are not compatible if the asexual person is not prepared to have sex at all. Not wanting close to the frequency the sexual person expects to have sex leads to tension from what I've heard. What some of the sexual people have written above seems to confirm that to me. I've never had any romantic experience, and even some 'friendships', where I wasn't expected to engage in sex and where the other person dropped me if this was not on the table. There may be exceptions but I haven't found them and I have several decades of (adult) life experience behind me. This is one of the reasons I'm not even going to try having a relationship anymore, unless it's with an asexual person.

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I think it'd take a really really strong base for a sexual and an asexual to build a relationship together. Where one would have to control his/her desires for his/her partner's sake, the other would have to do somethings for his/her partner out of their comfort/natural state of being. If love and respect are absent in the relationship, bust it goes. I have serious doubts this kind of a relationship flourishing specially considering the culture I've been brought up in.

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I suspect a lot depends on how flexible both partners are willing to be when it comes to compromise. All relationships require compromise and communication. Most of us fall short in that one way or another unless (and even if) we work very hard at it.

 

My wife and I have been together for 22 years, and we've mostly muddled our way through, though our communication and understanding when it comes to sex has usually been poor. That's begun to change and we are both feeling the benefit of that. I've been educating myself a lot recently, about asexuality and about my own issues needs, and I think the improved understanding has helped us a lot. In the past, my own fear of upsetting or disappointing my wife, or having her look at me differently made me extremely (and irrationally) fearful of being fully open and honest with her. It's taken me a long time to push past those fears but I am incredibly glad I took that last step. The difference it's made to us both in a short time is incredible and very, very freeing, and I genuinely believe we're on the right path.

 

So yes, I do believe an asexual and a sexual can have a successful relationship, but it does take a lot of work, honesty and openness.

 

I also want to say a public thank you to moderator Heart, whose guest spot on the Polyamory Weekly podcast was literally the strength I needed to start talking about this with my wife. I'm so, so grateful for that.

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On 11/2/2017 at 5:01 PM, vega57 said:

I also saw  more recent survey that stated that over 35% of the women (surveyed) had no interest in sex, and 15% of the men (surveyed) had no interest in sex.  That means that 50% of the people surveyed had no interest in sex.

 

On 11/3/2017 at 0:23 PM, vega57 said:

Over 6000 females and over 4000 males participated.

Math check...

1. about 60% of the surveyed were women, of whom about 35% had no interest in sex. That makes 21% of the people surveyed.

2. about 40% of the surveyed were men, of whom about 15% had no interest in sex. That makes 6% of the people surveyed.

That means that about 27% of the people surveyed had no interest in sex. :cake:

 

On a side note, a recent survey reported that 115% of Germans have no clue about percentage calculations... :D

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6 hours ago, roland.o said:

 

Math check...

1. about 60% of the surveyed were women, of whom about 35% had no interest in sex. That makes 21% of the people surveyed.

2. about 40% of the surveyed were men, of whom about 15% had no interest in sex. That makes 6% of the people surveyed.

That means that about 27% of the people surveyed had no interest in sex. :cake:

 

On a side note, a recent survey reported that 115% of Germans have no clue about percentage calculations... :D

 Oh just go away with your smarty pants maths!! :P

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20 hours ago, NickJCook said:

 

 

I also want to say a public thank you to moderator Heart, whose guest spot on the Polyamory Weekly podcast was literally the strength I needed to start talking about this with my wife. I'm so, so grateful for that.

Tagging @Heart so she will see this :)

 

 

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*melts inside*

 

I'm so beyond glad that my interview helped :wub:

 

@NickJCook, I wish you the absolute best with your wife! :cake:

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1 hour ago, Heart said:

*melts inside*

 

I'm so beyond glad that my interview helped :wub:

 

@NickJCook, I wish you the absolute best with your wife! :cake:

Thank you again, it really has helped so very much.

 

And thank you Serran for tagging heart.

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On 11/5/2017 at 1:50 AM, vega57 said:

Omg fail. I just realized you don't have an avatar :P I said happy birthday to someone called Vega the other day assuming it was you but now I realize they have a blue avatar and you still have a blank one, fail!! I bet they're thinking 'who is this random person saying happy birthday to me?' haha there are officially too many Vegas on AVEN :D

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10 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Omg fail. I just realized you don't have an avatar :P I said happy birthday to someone called Vega the other day assuming it was you but now I realize they have a blue avatar and you still have a blank one, fail!! I bet they're thinking 'who is this random person saying happy birthday to me?' haha there are officially too many Vegas on AVEN :D

LOLOLOL!  Wanna hear something ironic?  The same day you wished *me* happy birthday, a neighbor came up to me an ALSO wished me happy birthday!  At the beginning of each month, our apartment manager posts the birthdays of each tenant who's having a birthday during the month.  There is another 'Vega' who lives in the complex and the neighbor thought it was me who was having a birthday.  :lol: 

 

(Hint:  My birthday is next month, so you have PLENTY of time to get me something really, really nice...:D)

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/4/2017 at 11:17 PM, Acing It said:

In response to the question of this thread; from my experience i would say asexuals (not grey asexuals) and sexuals are not compatible if the asexual person is not prepared to have sex at all. Not wanting close to the frequency the sexual person expects to have sex leads to tension from what I've heard. What some of the sexual people have written above seems to confirm that to me. I've never had any romantic experience, and even some 'friendships', where I wasn't expected to engage in sex and where the other person dropped me if this was not on the table. There may be exceptions but I haven't found them and I have several decades of (adult) life experience behind me. This is one of the reasons I'm not even going to try having a relationship anymore, unless it's with an asexual person.

My partner and I don't have sex and haven't for many years but in other ways we are compatible.

Define compatible. It's impossible because we are all different and expect different things from each other.

Sexual compatibility a definite NO between asexuals and sexuals and the reason behind this is that the asexual may consent to sex but does it out of giving pleasure to the partner but then this is false sex as the sexual may know this to be true and not a genuine act of giving.

Best that nobody engages in sex at all and let the flawed human race die out. Ha Ha!!:D

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I don't even understand how this is a debate at all.

 

In my mind, it's as clear-cut as being just about as compatible as a heterosexual is with a homosexual. 

 

They can love each other, sure, but it's nothing even remotely comparable as to constitute any kind of reciprocation enough for both parties to find truly satisfactory. 

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You have to find out what is the most important thing in your relationship. If sex is really high up there then is not worth it, keep looking. If it's the company of your partner and have a good time with them then you can always come to an agreement for both. Of course the feeling must be mutual.

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WhyCantIBeACat
2 hours ago, AthenaFay said:

I don't even understand how this is a debate at all.

 

In my mind, it's as clear-cut as being just about as compatible as a heterosexual is with a homosexual. 

 

They can love each other, sure, but it's nothing even remotely comparable as to constitute any kind of reciprocation enough for both parties to find truly satisfactory. 

I pretty much agree with @AthenaFay

 

In general a sexual and an asexual can both love each other, focus on their shared interests and learn to live with their differences, but will never really be compatible. There will always be a big difference in actual desire and emotional bond that comes from sex that will sooner or later build up to be intolerable, in particular for the sexual. 

 

Of course, this is a very simplistic view.  No two individuals will have the same level of desire or response and there will be exceptions at the edges where there is sufficient overlap, but I suspect they will be relatively rare. 

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21 hours ago, Apostle said:

Best that nobody engages in sex at all and let the flawed human race die out. Ha Ha!!:D

OR....Maybe we should limit sexual activity to ONLY procreation, and nothing more.  That way, the human race wouldn't die out, sexual affairs would stop, deadly sexual diseases would be wiped out, and relationships just might last longer...

 

(Oh, come ON!  You're not REALLY going to take me seriously, are you?!  :lol:)

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everywhere and nowhere
On 28.11.2017 at 6:03 PM, Apostle said:

Sexual compatibility a definite NO between asexuals and sexuals and the reason behind this is that the asexual may consent to sex but does it out of giving pleasure to the partner but then this is false sex as the sexual may know this to be true and not a genuine act of giving.

In my opinion it's quite the opposite. It's ONLY an act of giving, not taking for oneself because a sex-capable ace usually doesn't get pleasure from the act apart from feeling happy that their partner gets pleasure.

Of course it is not all. It's not an issue in my case because I'm not in a relationship and even if I was, I'm sex-averse and very much unwilling to ever try sex. But I'e read enough to realize that there are some people for whom it is not enough if an ace partner has sex only for their sake, who feel bad about having sex with someone who loves them, but doesn't desire them.

Still, ace-allo couples need to reach some kind of compromise and it's not just about whether to have sex (and I don't like the way it is usually framed: that the only possible compromise is for the ace partner to give in...). I'm against any form of sexual violence, including pressure to have sex. I believe that people should only have sex whif (=when-if) they are absolutely sure that they want it. But I also believe that wanting to provide pleasure for one's partner, even when not getting much pleasure from the act oneself, IS a valid reason to have sex. If someone truly wants to do it, who am I to judge them? And here the allo partner should compromise: realize that this is as much as the ace partner can provide, that their lack of real enthusiasm doesn't mean that they don't love their partner. If a relationship works well in all other aspects, it would be stupid to break up over the ace partner being unable to feel real desire...

On the other hand, if the ace partner is on the sex-averse side, this means full stop. In such situations any sex is rape and no sex-averse person should feel expected to have sex. Not having sex is just as valid a lifestyle as having sex.

 

You know, I've been criticized even on this forum for strongly saying that people should only have sex whif they are 100% sure that they want it. Still, it may be just a misunderstanding. I'm not speaking about the sometimes unattainable ideal of enthusiastic consent. Willing consent should be enough. But at the same time, I'm strongly against sexual pressure and I feel very concerned about supposedly 2/3 of sexually active young women having their first time "consensually, but without really wanting it". If these data are true, it means that these women feel like they can't or shouldn't say no. This is scary, but it's also a huge open area for sex ed. True love doesn't necessarily have to wait until marriage, but it MUST wait until a person feels ready. And it must realize that some people never feel ready and that it doesn't mean that they don't love.

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1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But at the same time, I'm strongly against sexual pressure and I feel very concerned about supposedly 2/3 of sexually active young women having their first time "consensually, but without really wanting it". If these data are true, it means that these women feel like they can't or shouldn't say no. This is scary, but

The following is a passage from The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study Of Female Sexuality  published in 1976:

 

Quote

"The crux of the matter – the effect of declaring sex healthy and necessary, and women “free” to do it – was to take away women’s right not to have sex.  Women lost their right to say “no.”

Even back in the 1970s, women felt like they either couldn't or shouldn't say 'no' to sex.  The main reason for that fear was the loss of a (potential) partner's affections/abandonment by a (potential) partner.  It was discovered that this is a very real fear.  After all, just look at some of those forums about 'sexless marriages' and how many people are threatening to leave their spouse TODAY because of the lack of sex.  Before No Fault divorces, a spouse could divorce a spouse for lack of sex (they still can TODAY, but it's easier to get a no-fault divorce than to 'prove' whose 'fault' it is and why)

 

Every so often I re-read this book.  But after discovering asexuality coupled with how many men out there are turning down sex "regularly", I can now read the same passage with new eyes:

 

Quote

"The crux of the matter – the effect of declaring sex healthy and necessary, and people “free” to do it – was to take away people's right not to have sex.  People lost their right to say “no.” (emphasis added)

Men (in general) can also have the same fear as women.  Men (in general) can also feel pressure by society to bed as many women as possible before marriage, and to bed his spouse as much as he can after marriage.  While I'm certain that some men and women really WANT to have as much sex as they can, I wonder how many people who are having sex...really WANT it?

 

It seems that 'no' comes with consequences.  Often, those consequences are at the expense of the ENTIRE relationship. 

 

Quote

it's also a huge open area for sex ed. True love doesn't necessarily have to wait until marriage, but it MUST wait until a person feels ready. And it must realize that some people never feel ready and that it doesn't mean that they don't love.

One of the reasons why I started a thread on sex ed several months ago, was to find out what people are learning TODAY as compared to when *I* had sex ed back in the 1960s. 

 

Sadly,  it seems like not much has changed. 

 

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If you replaced the word 'sex' with the word 'conversation' in that post, would you still feel as indignant about relationships ending over it? Particularly if societal rules were that one was only supposed to talk to one's spouse? 

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

If you replaced the word 'sex' with the word 'conversation' in that post, would you still feel as indignant about relationships ending over it? Particularly if societal rules were that one was only supposed to talk to one's spouse? 

Wow. Now wonder why you have issues in your marriage....

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everywhere and nowhere
1 hour ago, vega57 said:

The following is a passage from The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study Of Female Sexuality  published in 1976 (...)

Can this book be found somewhere online?

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15 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Wow. Now wonder why you have issues in your marriage....

You're going to have to expand on that. 

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