Jump to content
snapesonalane

Does anyone feel like they've experienced compulsive heterosexuality

Recommended Posts

snapesonalane
On 11/15/2017 at 2:01 PM, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

I did. I'm autistic and aro-spec, so to be honest I really tried to distance myself from the fact that other people were having relationships and stuff growing up, plus had no sexual attraction to anyone and only unclear romantic thoughts. I say I'm lithro, but it's still unclear to me because just before starting university I started to think I should be dating and going out with people, and had a series(about one each year during my bachelor's degree) of boyfriends. 

Okay it's been a looong time since this thread has been active so I apologize for bumping it. I just wanted to say I came to the realization that I'm probably aro/ace. For reading this comment again after I realized I have Aspergers I wonder if part of that confusion that I keep having is partially because of being of the spectrum. 

I think I've mostly only ever experienced aesthetic attraction which I confused for romantic. Reading over previous comments I made and the responses it seems obvious that I was aro and just didn't realize it. I also think that there's this pressure (the aforementioned compulsory heterosexuality) for women to find men attractive. I know this is a common thing among lesbians but it also makes sense that an aro woman would feel the same pressure to be attracted to men when she just isn't. So while I do find men aesthetically pleasing I also find women aesthetically pleasing which I confused for romantic attraction. Now I realize it wasn't that I could love anyone regardless of gender, it was that I could love anyone regardless of gender just...not romantically. 

Again, sorry for bumping this after so long. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Salmiakki

Old thread, and I'm not sure if this is the same thing but when I was younger (when I also didn't know about non-binary genders) I thought I was straight because I only had crushes on guys. Even though I always only fantasized about women. I just thought that your sexuality is based on who you like romantically and that's it. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
slice_of_pie
On 8/1/2017 at 10:54 PM, words are futile devices said:

And in the last couple of months I've realized I could see myself with a man or a woman or a non-binary person, though lately I've actually been thinking about women exclusively. How nice it would be to meet one who would maybe like to share life with me in an affectionate yet mostly platonic sense.

I really relate to this and wish I could have learned these things about myself a lot earlier in life. Thanks for sharing. :) 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Claire1983

I definitely experience the compulsory heterosexual thing.  I have anxiety and self esteem issues so I was VERY susceptible to peer pressure.  Since asexual wasn't really known when I was young, it never occurred to me to think that I might not want sex.  Because of that, when I realized that I wasn't sexually attracted to women, I dismissed the idea that I could be attracted to them at all.  And I spent 20 some years sucking at being straight.  When I realized I was ace and learned about romantic orientations, I started to reconsider.  Since sex was off the table with men and women, it opened up the possibility that I could be attracted to both.  

 

Side note, I think I have a crush on a female friend who's genderfluid, so that makes things interesting.  Through the power of makeup they can pass very convincingly as either and I'm way attracted to both.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KannP

Yes, this was my life until a few years ago.  I was trying to be “ normal”.  I have always hated dating to the point of severe anxiety and panic but I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing so I’d try, wait a year or so and try again; rinse and repeat.  I had sex because a friend told me in my teens that I would only be able to have a boyfriend if I had sex with them.  The saddest thing is that I believed her and lived my life by that idea for so long.  I was only ever able to have sex if I was completely and totally wasted on alcohol, never did it sober.  After my last great disaster I finally decided I’d had enough!  I wasn’t going to hurt myself anymore by doing things I didn’t want to and trying to have a romantic relationship I didn’t want.  I only discovered  this site a few days ago and I am so relieved.  Everything makes so much sense now.  I am truly grateful.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
snapesonalane
4 hours ago, KannP said:

Yes, this was my life until a few years ago.  I was trying to be “ normal”.  I have always hated dating to the point of severe anxiety and panic.

I've never dated but whenever the opportunity presented itself I would go through periods of very bad anxiety too. I've come close to setting up dates a couple times but I always back out at the last second (not literally, but maybe days before the date is set I start making excuses) because I would get panicky about having to hold hands, kissing, not being able to reciprocate in any way. 

 

4 hours ago, KannP said:

The saddest thing is that I believed her and lived my life by that idea for so long.  I was only ever able to have sex if I was completely and totally wasted on alcohol, never did it sober

Every single time I've done anything sexual I was drunk. I've never even kissed sober. Before I knew I was ace I thought the fact I could have sex (despite being drunk) must mean I had the desire.

 

4 hours ago, KannP said:

After my last great disaster I finally decided I’d had enough!  I wasn’t going to hurt myself anymore by doing things I didn’t want to and trying to have a romantic relationship I didn’t want.  I only discovered  this site a few days ago and I am so relieved.  Everything makes so much sense now.  I am truly grateful.

I'm very happy you found an understanding of yourself after so much hurt. Good for you for recognizing it was hurting you to keep trying to conform. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Claire1983
4 hours ago, KannP said:

I was only ever able to have sex if I was completely and totally wasted on alcohol, never did it sober. 

SAME!!!   I thought something was wrong with me when i had a boyfriend and after a month didn't want to sleep with him.  I ended up breaking it off over that, but it made me feel like a failure that I could never manage to sleep with anyone unless I was at least tipsy.  I thought I was just scared or had severe emotional issues.  It was only recently that I realized that I just don't want that!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
slice_of_pie
11 hours ago, Claire1983 said:

I spent 20 some years sucking at being straight.  When I realized I was ace and learned about romantic orientations, I started to reconsider.  Since sex was off the table with men and women, it opened up the possibility that I could be attracted to both.  

It took until after I got married to realise why I suck at being straight which is inconvenient lol. Learning about the asexuality spectrum and different romantic orientations has really helped me to accept who and what I am. It's such a sense of relief isn't it? Knowing you're not alone. If I could go back and have my twenties again knowing what I know now... I would approach relationships, women, and sex a lot differently.

 

4 hours ago, KannP said:

I had sex because a friend told me in my teens that I would only be able to have a boyfriend if I had sex with them.  The saddest thing is that I believed her and lived my life by that idea for so long.  

This really speaks to me. We women are groomed to believe that. To keep your man happy, you have to give him sex. No one tells you about asexuality. Or that what you do with your body is your own business. Or that there are others out there who would be very happy in a relationship without sex. Thank goodness for the internet and the plethora of forums and groups dedicated to all the differences that make us human. We're not abnormal and we're not alone. It's fantastic.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

In fairness, most people wouldn't be happy in relationships without sex.  I think it would be doing others a disservice to be all Sunshine and Rainbows and try to tell them that isn't the case.

 

But yes, not everyone is like that, and you shouldn't just automatically assume.  Relationships are also not just things filled with compulsory acts; you should be in one because (if) it enriches your life, not because it feels like pulling teeth.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
slice_of_pie
15 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

In fairness, most people wouldn't be happy in relationships without sex. 

 

Relationships are also not just things filled with compulsory acts; you should be in one because (if) it enriches your life, not because it feels like pulling teeth.

I absolutely agree. :) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...