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qpr between ace/aro & romantic/sexual (with non-platonic feelings) possible?


a_bit_lost

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Hey everyone,

So I am a bit lost and looking for someone that can relate to my situation.

I (romantic/sexual) have feelings for my best friend (ace/aro/physical contact repulsed) since 6 years. All that time, I tried to make the feelings go away, but they just keep coming back. We have a very deep friendship that goes beyond standard friendship. By now, my feelings for her are a mix of best friend + sisterly + romantic love. To be honest, these emotional feelings I have towards her wouldn't even be a problem for our friendship, if there were not also intimacy feelings. I really really want to hold her hand, cuddle and kiss her. And that is not possible.

This situation bothers me a lot, and since she doesn't really know what she wants either, I am longing for some kind of 'settlement' of our situation. Finding something that could suit us both and do our strong relationship justice. I recently heard about quasiplatonic relationships. But I don't know if this is even possible in my situation, as i do have non-platonic and intimacy feelings which she does not have.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Doesn't matter if in a qpr or just in a similar situation in general. How did you handle it?

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I am contact repulsed by most people, but not everyone.  I can tell you that if someone I was close to didn't happen to be an exception to the contact repulsion, I couldn't work around that.  But it wouldn't mean I valued them less.  

 

I've been on the other end of this issue as well though, more in your shoes.  I had a friend I had a similar relationship with once, and she was bicurious at the time (as best I can tell), though she identified as bisexual (I never saw her take a serious interest in a woman once).  She did try on and off to take a physical interest in me, but it was really awkward, and I instantly regretted kissing her, because I could tell it was really off-putting for her.  Anyway, the only thing that really annoyed me was that she was never upfront about the fact that she couldn't be physically attracted to me in any way, and kept stringing me along.

 

The relationship didn't work out, but I would have been fine going on with things the way they were previously (no kissing, etc.), if I thought she was really fine with it.  She was looking for a physical relationship though, and I didn't fit the bill, and was always going to be of lesser importance to her as a result (her interest in me waned every time she found a boyfriend).  So I ended up concluding she wasn't capable of a QPR with me that would be satisfying to either of us.

 

That doesn't sound like your predicament at least.  I know your situation and needs are unique, but I can say for whatever perspective it's worth, were I in your situation and was assured that she deeply valued the relationship, I would be happy with it.  The value matters more to me than the specific shape of its expression.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

I once used to be in a similiar situation and it didn't really work out, although we tried. I'm not alosexual but I still had too much sensual attration for that person just to see her as my "best friend". It just was too difficult and pianful to always keep my distance in the long term. I told her about my feelings someday and she was very understanding and kind but we had to realize that we might never become happy this way since she was ace sex-repulsed and we didn't want to make ourselfs feel hurt or uncomfortable all the time so we decided to break up contact at last.

 

I hope things will work out better for the two of you somehow. Fingers crossed!

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  • 5 weeks later...

I'm sorta in a similar situation. I'm gay and have romantic feelings for my best friend who is asexual. For a long while all I knew was that he was ace, but never knew romantic/sexual interests if any for him. Recently I asked him to explain himself being ace with every detail that he had figured out since I know he hasn't finished learning everything about himself. He said he thinks he may have a hormone imbalance but isn't 100% sure, but as far as he can tell he has a very low almost non existent heterosexual sex drive. As far as romantic stuff all he said is that he's not aromantic. He already knows I have feelings for him, but I asked him how he felt about me. He said I'm like the sibling he's never had and that he's not worried about ever losing me because we can work through everything. He even wants to get a condo next to my work and be roommates. So my take on it is that he has a very strong platonic love for me while I have a romantic love for him. What we have friendship wise is very special and far greater then any friendship I've ever had before, even had people mistake us for a couple a few times. But it's very painful for me being so close to him but he's always just out of reach....

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nanogretchen4

On one hand, this friendship is obviously very important to you, but on the other hand your feelings for your friend go beyond what she will ever be able to reciprocate and you know this. I think instead of trying to create a permanent custom relationship based on unequal feelings you should back off from your current level of friendship. Your unrequited romantic feelings have lasted six years. You should give yourself time and space to let them fade. Spend less time with your unattainable friend and more time with other people, and see whether you can maybe develop romantic feelings for someone who might feel the same about you. She would also do well to invest her time and emotional energy in several different friendships so if one friend has to spend less time with her for awhile she won't be isolated.

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