Your thoughts on scheduling sex?

[Lovelykat]

I realized that for me, what bothers me most about sex is the frequency and spontaneity expected with sexual partners. Many sexual men, from my experience, will initiate almost every night, and at very unexpected and random times such as while watching TV, while my attention is completely focused on other activities. I hate having to be constantly on edge, wondering if each touch is sexual or not, etc... 

 

Over the years I've realized there's one specific circumstance when I can actually enjoy sex and not be worried over it: this may sound like the least sexy thing ever, but I like "scheduling" sex. I like having a specific day of the week once a week, usually Friday because I'm off of work. And it's not like "at exactly 7:45 we're boning" or anything. It's more like we had a kind of understanding that after dinner on Friday nights, we would go up to the bedroom. Sometimes he'd ask again halfway through the week, but it was never just the "sprung on you" sex that most sexual guys seem to be into. 

 

Oddly, I became much more sexual when I was prepared for what was to come. I could build up to it and look forward to it, instead of being on edge about it. I didn't get sick of it the same way that I always do. 

 

It was honestly perfect, but unfortunately I had to break up with this guy for other reasons, which sucked because he was completely understanding of my low desire despite the fact he was allo himself. 

 

I was just curious...are there any other aces or gray aces who feel this way? Does scheduling sexy-time make you more likely to enjoy it? 

[Redshirt Jim]

Yup. Scheduled is good, so at least you know the range of time. For me,  2-3 hrs is good range, a little spontaneous, but also planned. 

 

LLAP

It think it really depends on the person not on the sexuality tho (I know sexual people who also plan their schedule)

[KendraPM]

Kind of. I have a pretty high libido most of the time, so I don't need quite so specific as a day of the week. I sort of fell into what works for me, which was a set of actions/reactions that were a prelude to sex that I could get as a sort of question. Not like right before, but more like my boyfriends in the past, when were planning dates and such, if we decided to stay in there was certain plans that would both knew would lead to sexual situations. It gave me the power to steer towards or away from those situations. It was a lot of trail and error, and I don't recommend it. It would have been much easier had we just talked about it instead of this whole "it's an unspoken thing" that was only brought about because of repeated patterns and some uncomfortable situations. I didn't know I was asexual for the majority of those relationships which I'm sure played a role in the trial and error aspect, and I did end up learning later that some of exes found the whole thing frustrating.

I can see how more of an actual plan make be better, something me and a partner talk about so we both know what to expect.  

[Éadweard]

My only thought is "why"?

[Peachyy]

It's technically a schedule: on sunday i always wake up at 330am and will refused to do anything that means not getting at least 4 hours of sleep because I absolutely cannot sleep when it's still light out (((which means when it's 11 and I'm about to go to bed, i'm not going to spend an extra 30 minutes awake doing something that I'll do any other day of the week))). I've tried to schedule sex maybe twice, "hey, wanna fuck tomorrow?" but then we both forgot because we were fucking tired from work bro.

 

Then again, I've demonstrated many times that even if I only have 5 hours ahead of me I will throw away an hour and a half if my s/o takes his shirt off

[swirl_of_blue]

I'm sure I would feel pressured. I'm the kind of person who gets absolutely nothing done without scheduling, but if I do schedule something I will start stressing about it so much I'll also start to absolutely hate it. If I scheduled sex I would feel like I have to do it at that exact moment even if I'm feeling really repulsed. I wouldn't dare to tell my partner, because sheduling makes things Very Important, and would go through it anyway and later feel like I had been forced, which would make me stress even more. I've actually had arelationship where we always had sex at the same time, though it wasn't really scheduled per se, and it was extremely stressful. I think it would be easier for me to just have a partner suggest something from time to time, so I could pick the times when I'm feeling more positive and less repulsed.

[majace]

I've been married for 8 years now and although I did not know I was asexual till last year, the only way I could keep up with my husband up to now was to mentally keep track that we have had sex "about" once a week. When it got longer, I would panic and try to initiate it myself when I felt like it more, just to make sure it doesn't come up when I really can't stand it. More than that, I would try to say no. After sex, I feel happy and accomplished from the fact that I don't need to have sex for a while anymore. But then again after a few days, I start thinking, is it time? how many days have passed? is it too long? basically it is always in my mind, but it lets me get ready for it mentally as well.

[Grumpy Alien]

Wouldn’t work for me as a sexual. What if I don’t feel like it? What if the time comes and I’m actually really tired or yeah up to sex but want to eat then digest first? It would be like trying to scheduling when I go to the bathroom. I’m bound to need the toilet before or after but not during the allocated time, defeating the purpose.