Are you out? Do you want to come out?

[trooper17t]

20 hours ago, kittyblomu said:

As of now, I am but a scared closeted child. I am not out to anyone and I don't really plan on coming out until much later and am 100% sure of my orientations. Until then, I'm keeping the closet door locked.

@kittyblomu do it on your own time. There may come a time when you are comfortable and when it feels safe and right, but until then you don't need to feel like you have to. Do it for your benefit, not for anyone else's. Wish you the best

[kittyblomu]

2 hours ago, trooper17t said:

@kittyblomu do it on your own time. There may come a time when you are comfortable and when it feels safe and right, but until then you don't need to feel like you have to. Do it for your benefit, not for anyone else's. Wish you the best

Thank you so much! 

[CrazyDiamond]

I'm not out yet but I'll probably just tell my close friends and eventually my parents/family. I don't really want to make a big deal of it, becasue it's just who I am. Though if I get a ring I'll probably have to explain it a lot anyway.

[sarahcasm]

I'm out to just about all of my friends and a very small amount of family members. I've also come out to some random classmates because I did a project on asexuality in film & tv and told the class I was asexual at the beginning. I also used it as an icebreaker in a class this semester, so a few more random classmates know. Typically, though, I don't tell strangers unless they ask because I don't want to have to explain asexuality to random people. Oh, I've also told a couple people who seemed to be flirting with me to attempt to get them to leave me alone. So I guess I'm pretty out?

[trooper17t]

On ‎10‎/‎2‎/‎2017 at 1:10 PM, CrazyDiamond said:

I'm not out yet but I'll probably just tell my close friends and eventually my parents/family. I don't really want to make a big deal of it, becasue it's just who I am. Though if I get a ring I'll probably have to explain it a lot anyway.

My ring has been a great ice breaker! Sometimes you can tell people don't want to have a conversation as soon as you say "pride ring" but others are super interested. 

[Hermit Advocate]

Just came out to my sister last night. I was telling her about my study abroad trip and I said I was happy someone finally recognized my black ring as an ace ring. She asked me what an ace ring was and I told her it stood for asexuality. She said "okay" and we went on with our evening. I think I kind of confused her because I mentioned that I thought a girl at my work was cute a few weeks earlier. 

[A_Osmyde]

I've indirectly come out to my parents, and my sister found out via them. Not too much experience with telling people! I would like to be fully out, because then I wouldn't have to put up with the romantic expectations others have of me. I mean, I am heteroromantic, but I find so few people cute and because I'd only ever date an ace within my faith (talk about slim chances) I have never dated and probably won't be dating for a long time. People probably think I'm a closeted gay. Anyway, I'd like for them to find out just so I can see their minds get blown and so they'll stop asking me if I have any "interests". However, I don't expect only positive responses so I'm not out publicly.

[Wolfjackle]

Most of my friends know, so that's awesome. And none of them seem to care. Most think my romantic orientation is more important even though it's been the opposite for me, but I can deal with that. Really, I just need to tell 2 of my highschool friends and that'll be everyone I care about! I'm really open about it with some of them, and for some of them it hasn't been brought up since the first time I talked about it to them.

 

Some of my family know. My mom doesn't know the word, but I admitted to her the other week that I really wasn't interested in dating at all. Her only follow up was if I wanted kids or not. Before I realized I was ace, I always wanted the white picket fence and 2.5 kids. And honestly, I was in major denial about my romantic orientation for forever because of it. If I'm being real with myself, I think I only have Demi-ro listed because I'm not quite ready to define as aro yet. And I have a sort of girlfriend? And I can't admit to aro until we talk.

 

I think I'd like to be out at work, if only so I don't have to take part in the "wasn't he hot" conversations. I'm still fairly new at my current location, so if I did I'd rather come out sooner. But it also isn't really anyone's business? IDK, I'll figure it out as I go.

[Treehugger42]

I'm out to most people if it comes up in convo I have no problem saying it which has been a huge step for me. Also everytime I come out I feel proud because I used to be so ashamed of my identity but now I am comfortable with telling it to most people even though I have had a few bad reactions. For me im aro ace so it comes up in convo a lot so I'm defo out.

[Kersenne]

I told some peope about my asexuality and some friends were totally fine and not surprised with it, while others (including my mother) were less than supportive and said I was going through a phase and hadn't met the right person yet or hadn't had sex enough to know...

 

It made me very insecure at the time, and I haven't told anyone else since, but I would like to be more open about it, to not have to pretend being sexual when I'm around my friends and colleagues. I intend to tell my siblings this christmas, so that'll already be a big step!

[Wolfjackle]

1 hour ago, Kersenne said:

I told some peope about my asexuality and some friends were totally fine and not surprised with it, while others (including my mother) were less than supportive and said I was going through a phase and hadn't met the right person yet or hadn't had sex enough to know...

Sorry you had that experience. It's kinda awful to see that happen to people.

[Kersenne]

7 hours ago, Wolfjackle said:

Sorry you had that experience. It's kinda awful to see that happen to people.

I guess it happens to anyone coming out. I do hope that I'll be able to talk about it with my parents someday and that they'll come to accept it as it is and to understand that I might never be in a relationship like they imagine. 

[deletethisplz]

I'm also sorry to hear that Kersenne  Hopefully they will be supportive later on!

 

I am not out to anyone yet. I'm thinking of doing that, but I don't know how...

[colossalpenguins]

I'm out to some people but not to others. It's not like I keep it a big secret or make a big deal out of it or anything, I just don't really see why I need to. I'm me, I never particularly hide myself (I don't pretend to be sexual or whatever) and if people ask I'm perfectly happy to tell the truth about it.

Generally speaking this has worked well, I have one friend who just doesn't get it, is convinced asexuality isn't a thing and generally pretends I haven't said anything about anything. Other than her friends have been very positive and have on occasion even thanked me for expanding their horizons and introducing them to the idea of asexuality.

 

As far as my family goes, I kinda haven't really said anything specific about it but my sister knows and my parents know I'm not particularly interested in getting married or anything like that and they're cool with it. My parents are the sort who are more concerned about us being happy than being "normal" and fitting in to social stereotypes.

[StarkRomanoff]

I'm as out as I care to put the effort into...as gay. But coming out to people as Ace doesn't seem very important to me. It's none of my parents' business and complete strangers I meet in person won't care. However, there are a select few friends I want to talk to about it but I just haven't been able to yet. 

 

I'm not one to explicitly discuss such personal matters in my life and I tend to dance around the subject hoping people will get the hint, but of course they don't. Like when the topic of having kids comes up at family gatherings, I say "Maybe someday but I won't be the one having it" or "I'm gonna have dogs." I'm terrified of coming out verbally because the whole idea is uncomfortable so I've opted for hints and labels on facebook. I want people to know but I don't want to tell them unprompted. 

 

What's stopping me from coming out as Ace to those few friends is my anxiety that I'll be bothering them when they're busy or they won't take it seriously. It's not that they'll be cruel or misunderstanding, it's just that I feel coming out as Ace is viewed as far less significant than coming out as gay, and the friends I want to tell are gay/bi. One friend in particular I have a complicated history with, but the last time I saw her she and another friend taunted me relentlessly about being "too innocent" for their sexual references and kept saying I needed to be "corrupted." This is not the first time she's said this and I hear this all the time so I want to have a frank discussion with her about asexualty since she doesn't seem to understand it. But I don't know how to broach the subject since I don't talk to her every day. 

 

Sorry, this turned into an unexpected plea for advice. Advice is welcome but I really just wanted to share where I'm at in the coming out process. 

[kirakana]

@StarkRomanoff I don't have that much experience broaching the subject, but is there a way for you to plan a get-together with your friend (the one you share complicated history with)? A place, where you two will be able to be alone/in a private setting would probably be good. Also, can you draw parallels between your situation and hers, explaining why certain behaviour bothers you and what being an ace means to you? Something that would pass on a message along the lines that even if she doesn't understand asexuality, it is fair of her to respect you and your orientation/identity (like you respect hers). 

 

I hope that helped somewhat 

 

Anyway - I am out to three closest friends and got three positive responses. Currently, I have no wish/plan to come out to anyone else, since it's nobody's business and I am a highly private person. So, in the closet I go  The only thing that was slightly jarring about coming out was A) a friend worrying that being an ace is tough in terms of finding a partner, B) when a roommate affirmed me that being an ace would not affect how she perceived me and I was like "... why should my sexual attraction (or more like lack of it) affect you?" It has never crossed my mind before, tbh. I'm happy to report life has been pretty normal since then  

 

[StarkRomanoff]

@kirakana Thanks for the advice. This friend lives 1.5 hrs away and every time I've seen her, we spent most of the time at her place. This has actually created more complications in our relationship. Perhaps going to a public place might be better...it's just difficult to get her to go somewhere that's not a loud gay bar.

 

Also, yay for your positive coming out experiences! 

[NotAUnicorn]

I,

if someone outright asks me what my sexuallity is , I'll say ace.

 

[MishMeesh]

I'm out to my sister and a couple of friends who I know well enough to have told. I told someone upfront who asked me out recently just so they knew. I'm pretty sure my parents know something like this is up, though they may not have the aro/ace vocabulary; I'm in my mid-twenties and have never shown any interest in dating at all. I don't necessarily feel the need to come out to them. I feel lucky to have parents that have never pressured me about that stuff, although it probably helps that my older sister is there to provide the fulfillment of the conventional getting-married/settled-down/plan-for-children expectation that parents have for their adult children. It's not really a big secret or anything. If someone asks my sexuality, I'll say ace. I just don't feel like there's a ton of people I need to tell.

[Kururin]

Haha, not yet.

 

I feel like I don't really need to say I'm a hidden witch (or basically come out as ace) If people wanna know, then people can know. While I do gotta tell my parents at SOME point, that point is not now. I'm happy at the moment.

[Brennarr]

I've only recently figured out I am asexual and I'm not sure if I want to formally come out. I mean being that I am as hetero-romantic as ever not much will change in my life. Not exactly in the closet about it, I feel like I want to come out as it comes up.

[Mirjam]

I tell people if/when it comes up in conversation and I tell men that hit on me (mostly they don't believe me, but whatever).
I told both of my siblings, but not my parents.
They think I am gay, because I never brought any partner home, nor told them about having any.
 

[Scott1989]

I'm not out to alot of people. 1 friend I am cause he was the one that helped me discover I am ace. Another friend I straight up told (was ok on it). A small group of uni aquantences found out and it initally seemed ok, but ended up focusing on the lack of sex part and tried to "help" me. Finally I came out to a sibling who reacted so badly it scared me to come out again for years (since found out it was apparently a joke response but they are well known for mean spirited "jokes"). All of this was about 8 years ago

 

It took me years later to come out to anykne else (last year to other AVENites at a meet up, and last month to a mutual  aquantence of the 1st person above, who made a comment thinking I was straight. Since he lives in a totally different city, I felt safe enough to tell him, and it paid off . I asked him not to out me on Facebook or anything like that which he happily agreed. Was a good experiance for when I do come out properly.

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

As I have mentioned before, I am out to my parents and my sibling, and to one online friend.

Lately I've been wondering if I should come out to the rest of my family as well. I have a pretty small family, and I have absolutely no idea how they would take it. I don't know if I should tell them or not. On the one hand, I think it would help them understand me and my "different" way of life more... on the other hand, I am not sure if it would help. I don't know if they know about asexuality anyway. I might just wait until someone asks anything about it, or until I am really sure I should tell them.

It's just that coming out to my parents made me feel so much better about myself. I feel much more self assured and everything. After all these years of wondering what was wrong with me, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I think it's because of this, that part of me wants to tell other people about it as well.

It's probably safer not to tell them (yet). Not before I know how they could possibly react to something like that.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Just thinking out loud.

[Epicene]

I decided to casually mention it to friends once, when the topic of sex was brought up (as it always is). Now, I’m quite partial to crude humour, so they refused to believe me because it “didn’t make sense”. Sigh. 

 

With other people I just tend to heavily imply it, without using the word “asexual”. 

[mayapple]

I'm only out to a couple people besides AVEN. I am in my high school's GSA, and if my sexuality comes up I'll tell them. No one I know well is in GSA anyway.

I want to come out to my trans guy friend. He asked me if I'm bi and I said, "Honestly, I don't even know anymore." Not entirely true, but not entirely wrong either. (I know I'm some form of ace but my romantic orientation is still A Major Mystery. My bio is just a rough approximation of what I think I am.)

I don't know if I'll come out to my hetero friends. It would be nice if I could, but explaining everything to them just seems exhausting. I have theories that a couple of them are ace but that might just be me projecting my own feelings onto them.

As for my parents, I don't plan on coming out anytime soon. Maybe someday I will, but that won't be for several years.

 

Edited December 18, 2017 by mayapple
update to post

[TheAP]

I'm out to people on the Internet, but not in real life. My mom once asked me what site I was viewing, and I said it was a site for asexuality. We didn't talk much more about it, though. But I'd be willing to discuss it with non-judgmental people in real life.

[Sibemarie]

On 26/07/2017 at 1:13 AM, Sally said:

I think most people older than high school age aren't really interested in other people's (non)sex lives.  

Sadly many do. In some situations where i have worked abroad, people on their 20s to 40's (mostly women) are packed in dorms and shared houses, away from their homelands. Life becomes that: working in hotels, socializing together, going to the many after-ski parties around. I hate parties. But most people like. Parties, guys, new crushes, one night stands, become the subject. And then women talk openly about the annoying subject that sex is. I have nothing against they talk, as long is away from me. The problem is that is not. When you work on resorts abroad, you work and live with the same people. You are forced to become social with people you dont relate at all. And the thing is that the same people who talk openly about sex, are on the other hand very close minded towards the eventual lack of any sex drive at all. For them, sex is one of the ultimate reasons for live aparently, and when you are around them because you live there, it becomes a constant annoyance having to deal with the overload.

[Sibemarie]

I only came out to a few people who i trust and understand, and who have a more open mindset towards this subject. But i revealed it gradually when each of them had already showed a general more acceptant and wise overview, which basically thats what gave me the green light so to speak. To others i keep as reserved as possible or i even, in some situations, pretend. In my case, having suffered for long of depression and high levels of stress due to financial strains (portuguese economic crisis really smashed me), i have very low tolerance to engage in arguments or discussions regarding different oppinions, lifestyles, ways of being, so i dont have any patience to deal, answer, explain myself and the whys and whatever to dull minded "oversexualized" people, i am too tired of stress and burnout to deal with them, so i try to keep myself away from them. The problem is, the only jobs i have been finding here and there are on cleaning hotels abroad, where we have to share accomodations with other women, which for me is terrible and even more stress - inducing. People are way too obcessed with sex and romance, it is like mandatory. S.ucks.

Most people don't even know or realise that asexuality exists. I love privacy and i cannot have it, sharing a house is way too tense and intrusive to me, dealing with other so-called "normal" women 24/7 is hard to bear. Not only because i have my own routines, need for silence and quiet (often others are noisy with music i hate, tv on, etc), reading, art, etc but also because more often than not there is absolutelly zero feminine subjects i am interested in, so nothing to relate. Just a massive effort to maintain things only on the scope to nice easy-going small talk, jokes or whatever, but a permanent tension and despise for subjects i dont like and dont care like relationships, love, sex, motherhood, like to them, it is a absolute thruth, they cant even imagine that the absence of sex interest is a real thing and does not harm anyone. It is sad that some people actually feel bothered with others sexual or asexual natural choices. I remember one of the girls once making coments about things such as "Mary" is such a b*tch she is rejecting all guys who love her, "Diana" is popular why does she not get a boyfriend, bla, bla so it is pretty much the subject. I can socialize if things are smooth, relaxed and i am ok and nice to people, nut mostly i need and want to be left alone as much as possible, and if i would tell them i am asexual that would create attention and unwanted curiosity about me, and probably some minor bullying and be the weirdo and subject of jokes.

I just want to go home. Have my space. My privacy. Choose to whom i hang around. I am perfectly fine with myself, being asexual, i just dont want others to bother me.

But i cant, there are no jobs in the portuguese sh*thole

[emilyb103]

I'm out to 3 people but I didn't really come out. 

When me and my sister went to pride I got us some badges, I got her pan and ace for me. When she asked about the ace badge I just said 'question'. She just rolled with it. When I knew for sure I was ace, I just started talking about it more. So she knows for sure.

I have a second Instagram account purely for fandom and lgbtq stuff. I hid it from all my friends, but I found out one of my friends was bi so let her follow me.

Also my closest friend came out as trans so I let him follow me (I was planning on telling him before but I couldn't find myself doing it). 

 

Kinda boring ways of coming out but whatever 

 

I haven't come out to my parents because I'm Biromantic and my mum is homophobic so I don't know how she'd react