Jump to content

I finally broke down in front of him this weekend


SlytherClaw23

Recommended Posts

SlytherClaw23

TL;DR - Sexual with Asexual partner expressed feelings about lack of sex this and is frustrated due to lack of additional communication or next steps. Just wants to vent in a safe space for it.

 

***Story Time***

 

Insomnia has been a bitch recently, so I wandered out if bed late morning feeling miserable. Sore as hell.

 

Took me an hour to get out of bed, but finally I wander to the shower. My Boo joins me for one of the few intimate activities he enjoys - scrubbing each other's backs.

 

***Mild TMI below (nothing graphic)***

 

While toweling off, he asked how I was feeling, and I said that I was much better thanks to sleeping in, painkillers, and "giving myself an incredible orgasm."

 

He looked a little hurt by that, and asked why I didn't invite him to join in. I had to bite my tongue to not yell or otherwise call 'Bullshit' on him. Instead, I made a flippant response and started fighting back the tears. 

 

I was not successful. 

 

Sobbing, and still standing in the shower, I told him that since he came out to me as Asexual, I had made the invitation a couple more times ... and then just kinda gave up. The constant rejection hurts too much.

 

Then he looked hurt AND sad. Great. 

 

***The Talk***

 

He's trying to understand, but I don't know if he can see my perspective.

 

I want to look into his eyes and see desire; when having sex with me is a chore, it takes out most of the fun. (I didn't say this, but it makes me feel kinda rapey. As a survivor of that myself, it's kinda icky unless there's a a 'consentual non-consent' thing).

 

He told me that he doesn't think of sex as a chore, but wasn't able to come up with a better description. 

 

I brought up that it would help if he hug/held me more often. And if he'd tell me "I love you" more (he'll go months without saying it) that would help a lot.

 

***After***

 

That was yesterday. We went to an Arts & Crafts fair and walked around for a while not talking about the issue. I didn't fall asleep until late morning, and rolled out of bed around noon today. 

 

We ran an errand for me, I bought us a nice lunch, and we hit a surplus store to look around. We continued to not discuss it.

 

We didn't discuss having future coversations or compromise.

 

We didn't discuss how to not feel discouraged when he tells me "maybe later" (i.e., never) or flat out turns me down.

 

We didn't discuss that he doesn't do foreplay, and we've only had sex with me on top. 

 

So I have no sense of where this is going, and what's coming next. I still hurt inside, and I don't think he's going to bring it up again.

 

I can't be left hanging like this,  but I don't know what to say or ask next to have a more meaningful conversation with some sense of where we can go from here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Im sincerely sorry you feel that way. Frustration on top on top of insomnia is a bitch. As a ace I worried if my boyfriend is seeing me more as a platonic friend than a lover though in the same token i really dont like being intimate with him. On top of that I hate when he touches me and rather wish he focus on his own organism so i guess what im saying is that i can see both of your perspective .

for you - you kinda have to not put sexual desire at the top of your list of needs. Don't get me wrong it is nice to be recognize for your curves and aesthetics and cause what people consider an automatic raw gut wrenching feeling that is sexual desire. To be honest that not the only way to desire someone nor is it the most powerful way. Needing someone presence getting high off the thought of someone smile or laughter especially when its your life partner is just as passionate and although it is play down it is just as powerful and passionate as say sexual desire. It might take a while for you to see it ( because he has to find a way where you feel this way about it and you have to start teaching your brain such) its there.

as far as sex is a chore....ugh..ok. lets say i make you a cake right but i make you a cake with every single ingredient you love and every single ingredient you love im allergic too. does that make us un-compatiable lovers...no i just cant eat that particular cake. does that mean i didnt make that cake with love and joy thinking of how happy you be when you get it ...of course not. i made it with just as much love as if i was eating and making ti for myself and afterward if you REALLY feel bad about me not enjoying the cake we can go get ice cream cause we both like ice cream. 

Now If I was making you this cake out of fear and you force this act of me making this cake for you out of fear and humiliation....now that would be different and I would like to say that would be rapey but you are a survivor of rape and i have NO desired to talk down to what is probably a remarkable and strong and beautiful human being about a experience that you have been through and i have not

As for him....
I think it is kinda hypocritical to want you to invite him to something that more or less he cant enjoy. I know I just got done explaining that indeed he can not enjoy sex but still enjoy giving himself to you but im really confused nd a little offended for you as to why he wants invitations? Maybe he feel like if you invite him he can get your needs out the way or he isn't ignoring your needs then? In a odd way that makes you then feel like its a chore of being intimate and ...whihc is really counter productive at least that what Im thinking?

I think at the end of the day you already made it clear what you need : vocal and physical  communication and just some set boundaries

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
NoLongerActive1234

I'm sorry that you're in a sort of limbo atm. It's got to hurt and be frustrating with the uncertainty, don't blame yourself for being upset though. If neither you or your partner show any feelings about what is going on then how are you going to be able to get to the point of communication.  Could you tell him upfront that you wish that the two of you sit down and really talk about this? Or you could write a letter to each other describing what it is like for you as a first step?
I'm a bit confused by what he is saying to from how you explain as well. What did he say when he told you he was asexual? How did that come about?
 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Plectrophenax

I have to admit, stories like yours are the very reason I try to avoid relationships. Even with the best of intentions and sincerest of emotions, relationships between sexuals and asexuals can, at times, be all-too difficult. It's nice of you to be considerate of him (from what I can tell) and that you share your story here, but I am curious as to what you are looking for exactly. Problems between the two of you will, ultimately, have to be addressed and hopefully solved by the two of you.

For what it's worth, here are my two cents.

 

5 hours ago, SlytherClaw23 said:

While toweling off, he asked how I was feeling, and I said that I was much better thanks to sleeping in, painkillers, and "giving myself an incredible orgasm."

 

He looked a little hurt by that, and asked why I didn't invite him to join in. I had to bite my tongue to not yell or otherwise call 'Bullshit' on him. Instead, I made a flippant response and started fighting back the tears.

I would say that's a good sign, or at least some form of willingness to engage and acknowledge your needs, even if that can only be done superficially.

 

What concerns me more is the seeming lack of communication between you, which given your inferences (like your doubts that he will bring it up of his own accord) makes me unsure how he sees your relationship in the first place.

If he doesn't say "I love you" very often - though it would be interesting to know how often you say it, and how he responds to when you do - that might point towards a certain degree of aromanticism, though of couse such an assessment made on the sparse information I have available should be taken with all due skepticism.

 

5 hours ago, SlytherClaw23 said:

I want to look into his eyes and see desire; when having sex with me is a chore, it takes out most of the fun. (I didn't say this, but it makes me feel kinda rapey. As a survivor of that myself, it's kinda icky unless there's a a 'consentual non-consent' thing).

He might not say it's a chore, and he might be completely sincere. But if you want to see sexual desire, you will not find it in an asexual. To put it bluntly, if that is what you want and need, you are barking up the wrong tree. Even if your communication were flawless, this is not something that can be forced out of, nor forced out by an asexual.

If it's just desire for you in general, however, that you are missing in his eyes, then my aromantic suspicions are raised again. But it would nonetheless be something that could be solved - all it would require is an exchange on how each of you understand desire in a relationship, and how you make it manifest. I'm sure desire is there somewhere on his part.

 

5 hours ago, SlytherClaw23 said:

I can't be left hanging like this,  but I don't know what to say or ask next to have a more meaningful conversation with some sense of where we can go from here.

Perhaps this is presumtuous, but I would try to determine the tone of your next conversation as much as I would the content. Ask yourself honestly and directly what you need and want from a relationship, and what that requires from him and you that isn't currently there. The feasability of these requirements should provide a sufficient indicator in how to address the next step (whether to be forceful or cautious, for example).

As for what to say, there simply isn't enough, for me at least, to go by.

 

 

3 hours ago, Megane said:

for you - you kinda have to not put sexual desire at the top of your list of needs. Don't get me wrong it is nice to be recognize for your curves and aesthetics and cause what people consider an automatic raw gut wrenching feeling that is sexual desire. To be honest that not the only way to desire someone nor is it the most powerful way. Needing someone presence getting high off the thought of someone smile or laughter especially when its your life partner is just as passionate and although it is play down it is just as powerful and passionate as say sexual desire. It might take a while for you to see it ( because he has to find a way where you feel this way about it and you have to start teaching your brain such) its there.

Maybe you don't realise (then again, probably you do) just how much this is asking of someone. Even if SlytherClaw didn't mean sexual desire specifically, telling a non-asexual person to replace their sexual desire with something else is really no different than asking an asexual person to replace their lack of desire. I agree that there are many ways desire can be made manifest and intimacy can be enjoyed in a meaningful way. But if sexual desire is a relevant part of a relationship for someone, none of these, no matter how nice they feel, can make up for that particular absence.

Of course, it's up to every individual how far they are willing to go to make a relationship work.

 

 

3 hours ago, MistySpring said:

What did he say when he told you he was asexual? How did that come about?

I would be interested to know this as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Hi SlytherClaw23, 

 

I was so happy to have met and married my husband a few years ago at age 32.  I am a sexual, thought I was marrying another sexual. 

 

Eventually, I knew that there was a problem that would only get worse.  It took me 4 years to come to terms with the fact that this relationship was very toxic to me.  So, I asked him to move out of our house yesterday.  

 

He just admitted to very likely being an asexual today as well as to having a history of this and knowledge of it, Now that he has nothing to lose, and no pressure to pretend anymore. I just wanted the truth so I could have some sort of piece of mind, the lying and the pretending was his choice. (He really did a lot of damage to me in these last four years.  I too have body aches from the stress, etc).

 

I was pretty relentless in figuring out what the heck was going on.  If he wouldn't provide answers, I would have to surmise things for myself. 

 

I started to learn about what defined a "sexless marriage." 

 

In times of great grief and desperation, the mind has a way of bringing back all the little "memory reels" of specific things said, or more specifically, NOT SAID in my case (specific topical avoidance).

 

Things just kept pointing me back to a genuine sexual aversion.  So I learned more there about different sexual orientations, and went through the boxes one symptom at a time, until finally!  I hit the nail as close to home as anything imaginable.   "Repulsed asexual." 

 

I read both genders and how they were effected.  I looked for clinical articles about treatment.  What were the real odds were of a successful marriage between a sexual person and a very sexually adverse person?  The odds are about 30% will stay in the marriage.  The odds of sexual intimacy returning or starting are less than 10%.  So, if there are 10 people who are sexuals with sadness over being rejected and not cherished, 3 will stay in that role and the confusion that goes with it, and less than 1 will find sexual intimacy or love return.  Ouch. 

 

I can see that he would have been one of the men who would never know why it was important for him to validate me emotionally, spiritually, you name it.  Our views of love are completely bass-akward from each other.  That's all I really know. That plus he betrayed me by lying about it.  That's what sealed the deal of divorce the more I have been thinking about it.

 

People often fall victim to the fallacy that they are the exception, not the rule.  No one commits their heart to a partner in good-will thinking that it will be over in 4 years!  

He was supposed to be my prince charming. :(

 

At least today, and being able to say these things on this forum and reminding myself that I need to start from today, and then tomorrow start again, one day at a time with the information that I have. That's all we can do.    

 

If answers are not obvious for you, then you can choose to re-evaluate again the next day.  Or, you can choose to toss reckless abandon to the wind and spend that day with your miss-matched partner, just like he seems to be choosing to do with you.  I would be curious to know how long you two have been together.  It seems like it's early-on in the relationship.  Eventually, they will just stop trying at all, and give you the take it or leave it attitude.  Don't be surprised if that happens! 

 

If you guys have been together a long time, then I say, hey at least you guys are respectful. That's nice to hear. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty

@ohmygosh

Would you please point me towards some of those studies? A journal or site name will do. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

maybe spending some time considering his point of view could give you a better ability to describe your point of view to him. foreplay, initiating sexytimes? thow away those maps for a second and think about how someone else is able to find you. without the culture of sex, maybe two people can run into each other in a forest, but tracking a specific person down? what I am saying is that you can't just say "Hey you have to be sexual now." it might not feel fair when all the hurt feels like its on your side of the boarder, but you have to be the bridge builder here, at least to start. if your frustration has broght you to your knees you can't have your feelings of rejection and guilt kicking you in the ribs, so you have to cast them aside. maybe that feels like what casting aside one's indifference to sexuality feels like.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

While towling off, he asked how I was feeling, and I said that I was much better thanks to sleeping in, painkillers, and "giving myself an incredible orgasm."


 
He looked a little hurt by that, and asked why I didn't invite him to join in. I had to bite my tongue to not yell or otherwise call 'Bullshit' on him. Instead, I made a flippant response and started fighting back the tears. 

 

 

 

I'm confused by this. I've been with ace guys and they'd never be hurt by 'not being invited to join in on an orgasm'.. that makes no sense at all to me. Generally they feel relief that you dealt with it yourself without asking for them to help. If he wants to join in your orgasms, doesn't that indicate he does want a type of sex, maybe just not full penetration or whatever?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/3/2017 at 9:24 PM, FictoVore. said:

I've been with ace guys and they'd never be hurt by 'not being invited to join in on an orgasm'.. that makes no sense at all to me. Generally they feel relief that you dealt with it yourself without asking for them to help. If he wants to join in your orgasms, doesn't that indicate he does want a type of sex, maybe just not full penetration or whatever?

As a guy I can understand why he would feel that way, notwithstanding his asexuality. The lover archetype is still part of the masculine psychology.

 

I'd be happy to help my wife bust a nut, but she doesn't want "help." She wants desire.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...