Sexual-Asexual couple, open relationship???

[IdentityEclipse]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm really happy I've found this forum. It is helping immensely. Here is my story:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for ~4 months. She is brilliant, beautiful, very loving (She cuddles, kisses, and holds me all the time)...lots of great things. As the relationship progressed, sexual activity has diminished and she has mentioned potentially being asexual or demi-sexual. I'm thinking she might be sexually indifferent although I just learned about this term from the forum. My issue is stemming from the fact that she used to have a lot of sex with past partners and was sort of known as this amazing sexual partner in the community. People just assume because she is a really hot, butch woman, that she wants how to get it on. There are a lot of expectations associated with this. She has a sex toy hanging basket in her room!

Anyway, I'm happy she is feeling comfortable enough to not engage in sex with me as she has felt pressured in most other relationships. She says there is nothing wrong with me but I do feel insecure and invalidated sometimes which I'm trying to work through. I'm sexual and just got out of an emotionally abusive, long-distance relationship with no sex so I was really looking forward to getting to have sex again with someone I love.

She has said she is fine with me pursuing an open relationship because she knows my needs are not being met but I'm scared to do so. I was polyamourous in the past and my relationship with my husband ended during that time. I believe it was probably for the best and polyamory helped move along something that needed to happen. But I'm afraid it might damage my current relationship somehow. I sort of wish there was some way for sexual partners of asexual partners to hook up to meet one another's needs, I would feel most comfortable with that but don't know how to go about it as asexuality seems to be pretty stigmatized...most people are embarrassed to discuss mixed relationships because society automatically assumes it is doomed or someone in the relationship is sexually damaged.

 

The one thing that has been hurting me recently was a statement of hers that in the past she only wanted to fuck crazy people and I'm not crazy. So I worry I'm this stabilizing...she often tells me "You're good and genuine" force that she sees as loving and I'm fulfilling that need when in reality, if she met someone a little more "crazy" she would want to have sex with them. So I basically have all these discordant feelings and don't know how to proceed. I want to continue our relationship because every other aspect of it is really satisfying but I'm sexual. Anyway, any advice is welcomed. Hopefully, I haven't accidentally said anything offensive.

 

[Scottthespy]

If your partner is open to an open relationship, and you are polyamorous, it seems like a proper open relationship could work out for you two, so long as you remember the most important parts of such a relationship. Namely; open, honest, and complete communication between all involved parties, and all involved parties being at least content with everything happening. 

 

But if you want to find sexual partners of other asexuals who are in open relationships...I would recommend advertising just that. Ask for private messages in case the responding party is self conscious about talking about this in a place where they can be seen, and simply say "Sexual partner in open relationship with asexual, seeking same." and perhaps add a specific gender if you have a preference. You may get some hits, you may not, depending on how populated your area is, but it's worth a try. Put it up on any dating applications you might have, throw the line out, see what happens. Maybe search for local ace forums to see if you can contact any one that way. Heck, maybe someone on aven will even respond to the idea.

[MarmadukeMcFluffy]

Open relationships can be wonderfully successful for the right couples, but they take a lot of work, constant effort to be consistently open and honest and considerate of your partners thoughts and feelings. Also, a person thinking that they would be ok with an open relationship may not be ok with the reality of it. I think it takes a very particular sort of personality to be completely ok with their partner being with other people, or to cope with going against the cultural an ethical norm themselves.

 

I have been in an open relationship for 2 years due to the difference between my husbands and my sex drives (although he only spoke to me about how he thinks he might be asexual a few weeks ago) and after a rocky start it has worked out very well for the both of us. I also had an open relationship with a previous partner, but that was a complete disaster. My OH at the time thought that having an open relationship was a great idea (we were both very sexually adventurous and loved trying new things) but he couldn't deal with the reality of my having sex with other people and I couldn't deal with his poor communication. I know several other people who have also tried open relationships and I'd say around 90% of them failed spectacularly due to jealously, internalised guilt and shame, and poor communication.

[MrDane]

Having sex with someone who really rather wouldnt is kind of an odd thing to do. Even while it is done in love and mutual respect! There is a mismatch and an unfortunate possibility that the ace eventually will be totally over-used and the sexual will feel rejected and alone with his/her "problem"

 

but I still think that opening an relationship is a radical thing to do, for most people. I have thought about it myself and the fantasy is appealing, but I fear for how it would work out! As a monogamistic sexual, This is not what I really want! 

 

A swinger-/sexclub is also a possibility. You are a registered member and you go there to have sex with people who would like to have sex with you, but there is no requirements/expectations for you to want a relationship outside of the club!

 

I wonder how I or my partner would feel about it?