Lorna 15 Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Hi I love my boyfriend of two years, we have an incredible relationship in every way... Apart from we don't have sex. Well, we have sex about once a month or once every two months. And that's usually because I bring it up. And even then it's usually a very quick, kind of awkward session, he seems to be relieved when it's done! Hes never been that into sex, but he's never admitted it. He's never had any celebrity crushes and I'm not even sure if he finds me sexually attractive. He gets upset when I mention it or say I want to talk about it, sometimes he just gets angry! What can I do?! Any advice? I'm only 24, I don't want to never have sex again but I love him so so much... I wish he would just be open about it Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 (pet peeve when people call a relationship sexless but actually have sex) @_@ omg this turned a bit long, sorry. If he doesn't desire to have sex then yah that's asexual. From what you've said he could be. But not having celebrity crushes has nothing to do with orientation. Not to mention not getting crushes period nor desiring a relationship is a separate thing called aromantic. And if you only sexually desire a celebrity that's not a crush but just lust. If he's asexual, yah, he doesn't find you sexually attractive, but alot of sexual people don't experience it and desire sex for other reasons (predominantly women and a minority of men). However he may still find you aesthetically attractive (a pull to look at you due to beauty and even mannerisms; like a captivating sunset) or he could just recognize you as good looking (I know that option is less complamentary but you gotta take what you can get). Or he may not at all but still completely feel romantically for you; everyone's different and these variations can happen to any orientation. He may be getting angry/defensive because you're mentioning something that makes him feel broken or something he knows will kill off most of his relationships (most ace and sexual pairings don't work out). It can especially be hard for men to accept with the high expectations of sex society has put on their gender. Have you even mentioned Asexuality to him? Not nececerily that he may be it but that it exists; specifically the words "There are people in the world who don't desire sex and they're called asexual." Maybe also some "They make up 1-2% of the population just like gay and bi people. Most of them are romantic and go by romantic orientations (e.g. homoromantic/biromantic). There are also other people who don't have their romantic and sexual orientation match up; like heteroromantic bisexuals. Specifically the non-matching thing is called a cross-orientation." I think the last part may make him feel a bit better; him not being the only one with a mixed orientation and that it can come in many "colors". But either way, you're not gunna be getting better sex, so you need to decide if you can suffice with what he's giving you or end it. There are dating options for asexuals. There's asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and there's even a new app called ACEapp which can be used for dating or friendship (but it doesn't have a sort by location option yet). Link to post Share on other sites
Confused.Kitten Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 He might be... You guys need to comunicate and talk bout it . But don't pressure him... My boyfriend and I kinda had the same problem. Im the assexual one . Demissexual to be correct. I understand that this might be kinda hurtful and frustrating for you , but you have to understand that sometimes it's really hard for us to accept that we are different, you know? Over all , you guys should openly talk . What my boyfriend did was actually, asking me to do this online test just to understand what it could be : http://brainfall.com/quizzes/user-quiz-300/ Yes, we were both scared bout the possible result , but when "demissexual" popped up... it just made so much sense to me. And together we just built our relationship, step by step, reaching that intimacy he wanted badly. It's a process... I'm not saying that the same will happen to you but it can be. However, keep in mind that there are people that are repulsed by sex. Others only do it to please their partner even if they dont get much pleasure out of it ... I can't ask you to stay with him as long as you love him, I get that sex is important for you too... But dont give up on him, yet. Try to talk, make him feel that he is safe, that he isnt broken if he has a low libido. He isn't less a man for not having sexual feelings. And unfortunately , that's what he might feel Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Oh, and there are other ways to have sex, so maybe he'd be more ok with preforming in one of those ways. I'll list it tomorrow. You can also have an open or polyamorous relationship (two different things). And for some sexual people it's better on them if they get none at all rather than not enough, so celibacy could be an option too. Some people also feel better when they can address what they have (i.e. homoromantic/biromantic) rather than what they lack (i.e. asexuality), so mentioning romantic orientations could be crucial too. He wouldn't even have to refer to Asexuality because stating a romantic orientation alone implies that. Shorthand for asexual is ace though. Link to post Share on other sites
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