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Trans Musings & Rantings


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I definitely feel like it's weird and sad how something that could ideally be about finally living true to one's own self can end up being filled with so many "shoulds"... I really wish everyone could feel free to live as they want and do as they themselves want, and not because of prescribed notions from the outside world, be they "real" or "perceived" (and what even is the difference there...?)...

 

That said, even though I understand things differently given the context, I still felt like I'd as well chip in with my own experience... for me, getting bottom surgery specifically is purely for myself - as long as I can remember I've hated how things are there, ie from long before I realized that I'm trans... and I don't want anyone else getting near those parts of me regardless of if I'm finally able to get the surgery or not (which I do hope to one day, even though it'll take a loooooooong time before I have access with how slow the system is here), so it's not like anyone else will be able to tell the difference...

 

Honestly, if I had to choose between that surgical transition and social and could only get one or the other, I would choose the surgery... I mean, hearing my chosen name from the few people who know it is very euphoric, and few things help me feel as good as wearing dresses. But it still pales with how meaningful the surgery would be for me. Of course, I don't have to choose, which I'm grateful for ^^ and I know that it's very different for me compared to others, I don't care how others view me, especially not if I have even a few who accept me for the one I am... I couldn't care less how strangers perceive me.

 

It's so interesting (and to be honest, wonderful, I think) how different we all are, and how what's the most important to someone is lowest among the priorities or even actively something they don't want for someone else... and I think that really deserves to be not just acknowledged but celebrated. I hope everyone will be able to find what feels best, for themselves, individually 💜

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looking at attractive women and feeling sad because I don't look like them. So that must clearly mean I'm not attractive. 

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Looking like I'm messing up gender somehow is really rewarding. My elevator at home has mirrors for walls, and since I walk the dog several times a day and work at an office I'm in there a lot. I can see myself from many angles. And even if I still look feminine enough that 99% of people will assume I'm a woman, it looks like I'm doing it wrong. I find that very gender-affirming, for people to be confused at how much I would fail at being cis.

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Like, if you're going to criticize the behaviour and mannerism and decorum of a person for not matching what you expect of them based on genitals, then you should have to give up the lie that what you expect is innate and natural. It's not. If I fail at being a woman, then you either have to admit that you have made up what "being a woman" is or you have to accept that by virtue of failing I am not a woman.

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Personally, I've felt more like I was failing to be trans than failing to be cis. Like, even my parents who hold somewhat essentialist views on gender wouldn't necessarily think I'm doing a bad job at being a woman (and if they did, that would be more failing at being straight than at being cis). But maybe I just feel that way because I focus on what most cis people would see me as. Among a few non-cis & nonbinary acquaintances, it seems like I fail at being cis quite a lot.

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Something struck me a few months ago when I had three friends of 25+ years over. One of them is also nonbinary, realizing that around the same time I did. We talked about it a bit, and one of the cis people, who was the closest friend to both of us throughout high school and for me many years after, laughed in the way she laughs and said "I am definitely a woman." That certainty that she had stuck out to me.

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I’ve felt less dysphoria lately and I’m thinking like an I not trans enough and I hate it

 

 Something something gimme e pills please

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Also I’m just so sad today and uninterested like, I tried to work on my map and I’m like, this is stupid

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I can't tell if my feelings about my gender and body is due to my relation to my gender, or if it's internalized transphobiea

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I wish I was one of my characters. And not me, a sad anxious stressed autistic who isn't the correct jender and amounts to nothing and has no future.

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Gender is too confusing

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SilenceRadio
On 9/24/2022 at 11:37 AM, Snao Cone said:

Something struck me a few months ago when I had three friends of 25+ years over. One of them is also nonbinary, realizing that around the same time I did. We talked about it a bit, and one of the cis people, who was the closest friend to both of us throughout high school and for me many years after, laughed in the way she laughs and said "I am definitely a woman." That certainty that she had stuck out to me.

On the one hand, knowing that not all cis people were cisgenderless made me feel like it wasn't that illogical of me to not consider myself cis... but on the other hand, it feels like a double-edged sword. Because if I start thinking that certainty is what differentiates me from other cis people, then I'd be forgetting about cis people who are uncertain, or may have been uncertain in the past. Or, alternatively, I'd have to conclude that I can't be anything but genderless.

 

I'm not that worried about it, but it's got me thinking.

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AstrophelDragon

I've been sick, and it has a weird side effect: I can now sing tenor.

 

I should be sick all the time

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Yeah, some people are sure of their gender, some strongly identify with it, some are unsure or questioning, some don't care much, etc., etc. Whether they are cis or trans or whatever, they all come in all flavors. :) 

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packed struct
2 minutes ago, daveb said:

Yeah, some people are sure of their gender, some strongly identify with it, some are unsure or questioning, some don't care much, etc., etc. Whether they are cis or trans or whatever, they all come in all flavors. :) 

Oh yes, i come in strawberry, vanilla and chocolate flavour 😜

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1 minute ago, packed struct said:

Oh yes, i come in strawberry, vanilla and chocolate flavour 😜

So you are Neapolitan? :lol: 

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packed struct
9 minutes ago, daveb said:

So you are Neapolitan? :lol: 

Nope, i’m cosmopolitan.

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Sarah-Sylvia

chocolate and strawberry are the best

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That would be vodka, Cointreau, cranberry juice, and freshly squeezed or sweetened lime juice flavors. :lol: (had to look it up)

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And to clarify, the flavor mix known as Neapolitan ice cream is chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. :) 

 

easy-no-churn-and-sugar-free-neapolitan-

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Chocolate and vanilla (sometimes) are the best flavours

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AstrophelDragon
1 hour ago, daveb said:

And to clarify, the flavor mix known as Neapolitan ice cream is chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. :) 

I'm this but plus like, 5 other flavors

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Arctangent
13 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

On the one hand, knowing that not all cis people were cisgenderless made me feel like it wasn't that illogical of me to not consider myself cis... but on the other hand, it feels like a double-edged sword. Because if I start thinking that certainty is what differentiates me from other cis people, then I'd be forgetting about cis people who are uncertain, or may have been uncertain in the past. Or, alternatively, I'd have to conclude that I can't be anything but genderless.

 

I'm not that worried about it, but it's got me thinking.

It's something I think about too. When other people express certainty about their gender, I believe them, but it also makes me more aware my own uncertainty and lack of direction. I know cis people can experience uncertainty too, so that didn't feel like enough to "prove" I wasn't... but lately I've been wondering if there's more than just the uncertainty, for me.

 

For a while I have been defaulting to being cis, because it just seemed easier and I didn't want to seem like I was making a "big deal" about something I couldn't even quite put my finger on. I assumed I was just cis and gender nonconforming. But lately I've been wondering if there is really any reason my AGAB should be given special weight when I didn't even choose it for myself. If I discard that assumption of my AGAB being the "default" and start instead from a blank slate, then I don't feel like I have any reason to identify with my AGAB (or anything else, for that matter). As a result, I feel better calling myself genderless period rather than cis-genderless or cis-by-default these days. I also wonder if this makes me more nonbinary than I previously thought... I'm not sure though. Somehow, it feels like if I reject the idea that my AGAB "should" be my default, I feel more open to the idea that my truth lies elsewhere, I guess? Dunno if that makes any sense. If nothing else, at least now I feel I understand better why some agender and genderless people consider themselves trans and/or NB rather than cis-genderless.

 

Anyway, sorry, you all can go back to talking about ice cream flavors, I'll just be over here staring into my empty container... :P

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SilenceRadio

@Arctangent It makes a lot of sense! Part of it is what the Null HypotheCis article is all about, but what made me mostly ambivalent regarding going back to being cisgenderless was knowing that, ultimately, it would've been something I did based on others' expectations rather than mine. And this side of my morality (not catering to other people) is much stronger than any sort of transmisia I might've internalized... most of the time.

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Arctangent
32 minutes ago, SilenceRadio said:

what made me mostly ambivalent regarding going back to being cisgenderless was knowing that, ultimately, it would've been something I did based on others' expectations rather than mine.

Oh yeah, I can totally relate. I feel this want not to "rock the boat" by challenging others' assumptions about me in yet another area of my life. But that feels like it comes from a desire to appease others (rather than my authentic internal feelings) and that kind of annoys me, haha. I think it just goes to show how strong the pressure to conform to expectations can be.

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