Trans Musings & Rantings

[Guest]

I wish I could just have surgery and no one knows I did it

[Guest]

I'm worried about moving and getting support during recovery.....

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, hois said:

ugh, my mom asked and so I told her about my surgery and what it was and now she sent me an article about the surgery and I just wanna die out of embarassingmtne

what kind of article?

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

what kind of article?

someone talking about their experience

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, hois said:

I wish I could just have surgery and no one knows I did it

I wish I could do this, but top surgery (even reduction, as I wouldn't want to go full mastectomy unless it was medically necessary) takes a lot of time to heal and greatly limits your activities since even everyday reaching and lifting is strenuous on the chest. I would need someone to help me out.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Here in Canada for getting the main surgeries related to being transgender we have to be not just on hormones for 1 year but also be 'out' and live as our real/chosen gender for 1 year too, before being eligible for them.

So, there isn't really a way to just have it stealth xD.
Though it's not like I wore make up or anything so nobody knows for sure what's going on with me besides some family and friends. And it wasn't for a major surgery.

[Broken Doll]

I know that if I would want to transition, I would have to get a reference for the gender team first and then trough the psychological mill to find out if I'm elgible for HRT. Good thing is that if I do, my insurance will cover most things. I dread the having to pass for a year .. what if I would start to doubt myself during the entire process? I mean. I don't know if I would want to go trough all that just to get on low dose T. I'm doubting though I know I will have to do something in the end. I don't even know if I'm ready for all of this. I do know that a low dose of T would help me feel much better about myself. I don't want to get my hopes up too much. But then there is that longer then 2 years waiting list. I think I have searched enough info for today.

 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

5 hours ago, Broken Doll said:

I know that if I would want to transition, I would have to get a reference for the gender team first and then trough the psychological mill to find out if I'm elgible for HRT. Good thing is that if I do, my insurance will cover most things. I dread the having to pass for a year .. what if I would start to doubt myself during the entire process? I mean. I don't know if I would want to go trough all that just to get on low dose T. I'm doubting though I know I will have to do something in the end. I don't even know if I'm ready for all of this. I do know that a low dose of T would help me feel much better about myself. I don't want to get my hopes up too much. But then there is that longer then 2 years waiting list. I think I have searched enough info for today.

 

 

I do know in some places like sweden it's very long for the process.

I haven't heard of somewhere requiring to present as your gender to get on hormones, though I don't know  how it is everywhere. In my case it's the first thing I got, all I needed was a referral letter from a therapist. (the harder part in my case was to find the right persons around)

And for surgeries depends where you live and what insurance, but it's not like it is about passing, plus they don't ask people hey is this person presenting as their gender, for me it was in the forms to be filled. I find it kinda backwards too because gender expression isn't gender identity, but anyway, they do want to make sure someone is .. sure.

[vmdraco]

Y'all ever just have moments where you question things years after transition?  Because jfc is it nuts.

 

I've wondered about my gender for a while, and not in a "oh I've made a mistake," way; more like a "wow so I guess I'm fruitier than I thought I was and I'm coming back to feminine things that used to cause me distress and that's Okay" way.  I'm still kinda confused on what it all means, as I still am very much a guy, but the longer I transition and go about my life the more uncomfortable I get with gendered anything. 

 

Today I went shopping for a suit and dress shirt/pants for a wedding coming up in October (spoiler: it didn't go well) and while I felt really good trying them on and felt genuine euphoria in how I looked, I also felt... uncomfortable on how hyper masculine it all was?  It did not help that the pants are usually the ones that fuck me over, and low and behold the tailor up front misjudged my waist/hip circumference when helping me and my mom deciding on a fit/style, and gave me a fucking 30 waist.  Bro I'm not Captain America, do I look dorito shaped to you???  They're made for cisgender men's waists and hips, and I was terrified that he could tell based on what I did or did not have that I was trans.  Which ruined the experience, as I almost went into an anxiety attack.  The racks there were also just suit shirts and jackets, and nothing... particularly interesting?  Like if there's one thing I miss about women's clothing is the range.  There's many different types to choose from and it drives me crazy how little guys have.  I'm slowly trying to reclaim a lot of things that I "gave up" when I realized I was trans, and it's liberating.  I wouldn't go in a dress or anything (that's reserved for The Queers only) but I'm hoping once I've finalized a choice I can make it more "me" and less hyper masculine bro stuff. 

 

I felt really constrained in my choices, but also in how out of place in the experience I was.  Like I didn't belong. 

Masculinity is something I'm comfortable with, but hyper masculinity is not.  Which is ironic, as I went towards hyper masculinity when I was a baby trans, in order to alleviate my dysphoria.  I know myself more to now enjoy femininity, and to mix and match presentation, but its become expected to be hyper masc with everything as a trans masc person, and it distresses me.  I'd love to queer it up a bit, but it's scary in that I fear backlash in public or in my personal life.  At my previous job, I was often alone, so I could put on makeup if I wanted to, but in my job now I'm face to face with others all the time, and I'm also just moving a lot and it's not a job to even bother when you're in a warehouse.  I've been trying to grow my hair out to help with these limitations, as physically I feel a lot better about longer hair on my person than before hormones and surgery, but it's become harder to just go about daily life this way when I just feel trapped with expectations as a man, regardless of if I'm comfortable living as one or not.  I suppose this is what some cisgender men experience, and my Virgin Eyes are coming face to face with it.

Idk, this was a mess to write and very long.  Maybe some enbies here can chime in to give me a clue that I don't have lol  I don't really ID with the non-binary label at all, as I don't think it fits me label-wise, but maybe it does based on my rant?  Genderqueer is super comfortable rn tho?  Who knows anymore.  Queer/Genderqueer/Trans masculine are the most comfortable as interchangeable labels, as I kinda need a basis for these emotions despite knowing that a label doesn't really matter much at the end of the day as long as I'm comfortable. 

[SilenceRadio]

@vmdraco Some trans people become more binary as they transition, and some become less. I doubt it's too uncommon to reassess one's experience of gender when things become much clearer. I don't think you have to be nonbinary to be at odds with gender binaries, preferring "genderqueer" over "nonbinary" is completely fine.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

In a way I think it's normal to compensate more and go more feminine or masculine for someone trans (and binary), until maybe realizing that it's not fully 'us'. I've certainly had that when it comes to me liking tomboy styles but overlooked that at first when I started considering myself trans.

It's important to be ourselves

@vmdracoI've seen trans men who aren't super masculine and really it doesn't take away from their gender. I do think it's kinda cute xD.
Sorry to hear about the expectations though. I know they can be annoying.

[Snao Cone]

I think it's also because it takes strongly gendered presentation to convince society and the medical system that your transition is legitimate in their eyes. Some terfs complain that trans women pursue impossible standards of femininity through surgery that reinforce this very narrow image of womanhood which forces cis women into gender conformity that they're not comfortable with. But the response I hear from trans women to that kind of comment is "if we don't pursue impossible standards of femininity you won't believe us when we say we're women". Trans people feel immense pressure to become as "convincing" as possible, rather than having the freedom to explore themselves the way some cis people might. (Some cis people, not all, because different intersections of privilege will constrain how much freedom people have in any form of self-expression--race, class, size, disability, etc all affect how much people of all genders can dress and express themselves and generally have a good time. Since most of us are limited to what we can get off the rack, that's an especially limited selection for men who are only marketed to in limited colours and styles.)

 

It's a very complicated multi-layer issue that goes beyond transness, but trans people have to keep their guard up more often because of the risks of backlash. It sucks. Men or masc people of all kinds are being restricted from self-expression due to the limited options on clothing racks in stores. I have always thought that. When I briefly worked in clothing retail one of my most exciting moments was when a cis man wanted to try on women's jeans. Gender bending in fashion has been something I treasure and encourage in people since I was a small child. It doesn't matter what your gender identity is and whether that's cis or trans. Playing around with outfits and trying new things, for special events or just for fun, is wonderful.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

4 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I think it's also because it takes strongly gendered presentation to convince society and the medical system that your transition is legitimate in their eyes.

Very true too.

[vmdraco]

2 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

@vmdraco Some trans people become more binary as they transition, and some become less. I doubt it's too uncommon to reassess one's experience of gender when things become much clearer. I don't think you have to be nonbinary to be at odds with gender binaries, preferring "genderqueer" over "nonbinary" is completely fine.

Thank you for sharing this tumblr with me, it made me so incredibly happy 🥺  They talk about so much shit that is never talked about and I felt really seen.

 

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I've certainly had that when it comes to me liking tomboy styles but overlooked that at first when I started considering myself trans.

Okay but same, for real lol  I grew up as a "tomboy" I guess (tomboy as in I like playing outside and boy things but not sports), and I always enjoyed the aesthetic myself.  In this case, I was doing the "opposite" of your experiences, but the same issue applies: no gender non-conformity allowed, or else you're fake.  Sacrificing your personal comfort to be seen as legitimate is so annoying.  I was always fascinated with butch women, and I still love their vibe and want to incorporate more of that in my life again.  I feel a kinship, but I'm also not a woman or interested in women as partners, so it's a strange mix that's hard to describe.

 

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I've seen trans men who aren't super masculine and really it doesn't take away from their gender. I do think it's kinda cute xD.
Sorry to hear about the expectations though. I know they can be annoying.

Oh yeah I've met a lot more trans mascs that aren't masculine either and they rock it well.  Doesn't take away from their manhood at all, because plenty of cis guys are also not masc either.  I guess it's just my personal fears/insecurities getting in the way of doing the same.

 

1 hour ago, Snao Cone said:

I think it's also because it takes strongly gendered presentation to convince society and the medical system that your transition is legitimate in their eyes. Some terfs complain that trans women pursue impossible standards of femininity through surgery that reinforce this very narrow image of womanhood which forces cis women into gender conformity that they're not comfortable with. But the response I hear from trans women to that kind of comment is "if we don't pursue impossible standards of femininity you won't believe us when we say we're women". Trans people feel immense pressure to become as "convincing" as possible, rather than having the freedom to explore themselves the way some cis people might. (Some cis people, not all, because different intersections of privilege will constrain how much freedom people have in any form of self-expression--race, class, size, disability, etc all affect how much people of all genders can dress and express themselves and generally have a good time. Since most of us are limited to what we can get off the rack, that's an especially limited selection for men who are only marketed to in limited colours and styles.)

 

It's a very complicated multi-layer issue that goes beyond transness, but trans people have to keep their guard up more often because of the risks of backlash. It sucks. Men or masc people of all kinds are being restricted from self-expression due to the limited options on clothing racks in stores. I have always thought that. When I briefly worked in clothing retail one of my most exciting moments was when a cis man wanted to try on women's jeans. Gender bending in fashion has been something I treasure and encourage in people since I was a small child. It doesn't matter what your gender identity is and whether that's cis or trans. Playing around with outfits and trying new things, for special events or just for fun, is wonderful.

Y E S.  I've thankfully had better experiences where I wasn't gatekept out of care, but I know the general consensus amongst doctors is that binary transness is the standard.  It can be really painful, especially if there are some surgeries that are required in order to change documents, which is just absurd on its own.

 

It genuinely made me want to scream seeing nothing but blues, blacks, and greys with some occasional greens when I went to the suit place.  My god, how do men cope?  Like listen... my wardrobe is 90% black as it is but it needs to be interesting for me to care lol  As a whole, I liked the aesthetic of the suit and looking masc that way, but I also like Whoring it up a little bit, and the hyper-gendered world we live in doesn't allow for mixing.  I am treated like a man, but at the same time, my experiences go outside of cisgender men, and that isn't represented when I go shopping.  Or like... exist, really lol  After a while, "pretending" to be cisgender is a detriment to my true expression.  I love my transness, I love that my body is masc-leaning androgynous, and I love most of all that my dysphoria has been gone from it.  I strongly identify with it, but feel forced to hide it for my safety, especially at work.  But at the cost of that, I feel a sense of loneliness I never experienced before and the only people who understand are you folks and other irl trans friends I have.  It doesn't help that people that are now supportive in my life, like my parents, see my transition as a binary one, when that doesn't apply to me as much as I initially thought, or even intended.  I'm frankly too exhausted to explain it to them, as it took a long enough time for them to even understand my experiences.  My mom has been lovely about it, as I have admitted to liking makeup and dresses now, but she was surprised initially when prompted about it.  As if me being a guy meant that me liking those things = detransition, or something.

 

Maybe this is why I'm so exhausted in life rn: keeping your guard up, fighting my brain, and doing shit everyone else does in life is tiring.  It drains my battery like crazy.

 

The only time I've ever gotten women's clothing in public was when I was at a thrift place, and got the courage to get a pair of short shorts.  Any other point in time I've just gotten stuff online, and since I have a body that was already kinda built for it, it wasn't much of an issue as it is finding men's clothing.  Nothing happened at all but the fact that I was in the women's section, looking physically masc, was terrifying.  I was scared someone would think I was a predator or something, or a weirdo.  Which is so upsetting :c  Women's clothing is cute!  Let me be cute!

[Arctangent]

Lately I've been looking around for a new stylist/salon, and I've realized how (IMO) unnecessarily gendered the pricing structure of haircuts is by default. It's often divided between "men's haircuts" and "women's haircuts," with the latter being more expensive. And I guess I never really thought too deeply about that before, because that worked well enough for me, but now I realize that there are a lot of situations where that's confusing. For example, what if you're a gender non-conforming woman or AFAB person who wants what would traditionally be considered a "men's" haircut? Do you have to pay the (usually more expensive) price of the "women's" haircut, when a man could get essentially get the same haircut for less money? (The reverse situation would be awkward as well.) It also seems like it would potentially be harder to navigate for a trans person who is in the middle of transitioning and trying to change their hairstyle accordingly. I dunno, I feel like there's a lot of situations where it's not ideal to divide haircuts by gender.

 

I've noticed some other salons don't divide between "men's" and "women's" haircuts, and instead have different prices for "short" versus "long" haircuts. I think that makes more sense. As someone who would like to try all sorts of different haircuts, I like the idea of a more gender-neutral pricing structure. That means I could switch between more "femme" and "masc" haircuts and not have to deal with any sort of weirdness or lack of clarity when I'm making appointments or paying.

[Captain_Tass]

5 minutes ago, Arctangent said:

For example, what if you're a gender non-conforming woman or AFAB person who wants what would traditionally be considered a "men's" haircut? Do you have to pay the (usually more expensive) price of the "women's" haircut, when a man could get essentially get the same haircut for less money?

In my experience, when the answer in the barbershop wasn't "we don't cut the hair from the woman" (I'm not "the woman", thank you for your unnecessary assumption lady who worked at the barber's reception and who refused to book an appointment for me even though I explained my hair's already short), yes the price was more expensive, I compared it with what my cis guy best friend has to pay for a similar haircut and mine was more expensive.

 

I stick with clippers at my bathroom these days.

[Snao Cone]

10 minutes ago, Arctangent said:

I've noticed some other salons don't divide between "men's" and "women's" haircuts, and instead have different prices for "short" versus "long" haircuts. I think that makes more sense. As someone who would like to try all sorts of different haircuts, I like the idea of a more gender-neutral pricing structure. That means I could switch between more "femme" and "masc" haircuts and not have to deal with any sort of weirdness or lack of clarity when I'm making appointments or paying.

My salon does that, and they are explicitly trans friendly as well.

[Arctangent]

14 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

My salon does that, and they are explicitly trans friendly as well.

Incidentally, part of the reason I'm looking for a new hairstylist is because my last one implied she thinks people are being too harsh towards JK Rowling, and, well... I disagree. But I didn't want to debate that with someone who was holding a pair of scissors up to my head, so it was uncomfortable, haha. That wasn't the only thing that made me uncomfortable, but it was kind of the last straw for me. It stresses me out to have to take a chance on a new stylist, but I feel like I'd rather take my business elsewhere after that.

 

Also, I'm close to someone who may be transitioning in the near future and is nervous about the idea of getting their hair cut. I'm thinking if I could find a more trans/queer-friendly salon and sort of "test them out," maybe I could find a place they would be comfortable going to as well.

[daveb]

My hair is past my shoulders these days. I think it would be cool to try a haircut that could be styled more femininely (but that could also be pulled back into a low ponytail that would look guy-ish enough), but I don't know how to go about getting that done and I am too nervous to call around. My hair is probably a lost cause anyway, with a bald area where a cowlick would be, and with how unruly/curly it is.  

[Janus the Fox]

I find myself having preferring shorter hair to make most of the curls for feminine short cuts.

[Broken Doll]

I like short hair too. But I have long braids right now so I'm  glad I can do a man bun.

[Milque Toast]

i just. opened a huge can of worms. it's awful and I need to vent about it (it's partially to do with being trans but also a lot on my own personal life)

 

Spoiler

I realised that actually, I am really bothered by the "theory" of "rapid-onset gender dysphoria". and I think it plays a lot into the general feelings of inadequacy I've had in my life for a long time.

 

I've never referred to it as such, but I don't think it's wrong to refer to what my dad did to me as verbal abuse. I constantly felt like I didn't do things properly or correctly, like opening packaging, cutting food, wrapping presents, just to name a few examples. and it sucks that it has to be such mundane, every day tasks. I still get tense when I have to do these kinds of things because my mind jumps back to the times my dad criticised me for the way I did them, treating me like I was stupid. I am not surprised that this was the root of my general feelings of inadequacy in life, just... as a human being. It's painful.

 

and I think it's the "basis" of ROGD that really affected me. That young afab trans people are just "confused naive little girls" who use a new gender identity as a means of escaping from their other problems/disorders. I guess, I am just worried it is true. People who support ROGD would use the fact that I don't want to medically transition as proof that I am really a girl who doesn't want to change their feminine body. that because I've barely changed anything about myself physically, that the mental bandaid of "being trans" has cured my mental problem of ... who knows what. It's the fact that I already felt stupid, and happened to be afab, that it really sunk into me. and of course, it had to be misogynistic as well. thanks for making me feel stupid literally just because I was born with female genitals. 

 

.............

 

ok so my mum came home while I was typing this. hi this is milquetoast from the future and I had a good hard cry about it. as much as it hurts to realise this, it means the problem has been illuminated now, I can see it clearly and now I can start working on undoing all of it. I feel surer of myself than before, but.. still a little fragile. 

 

[SilenceRadio]

@Milque Toast Here's two of the blogposts on ROGD I've read in the past, it might help.

 

I feel like there's a difference between escaping your problems, and adopting an identity to solve them. If it helps you overcoming them, wouldn't that be good? Usually, the implication is that trans identity is a "harmful coping mechanism", the "harm" being either medical and/or social transition, or believing "lies" about who you "truly" are. But even if we believe the idea that (most) young trans people who were AFAB are just doing it because they're "confused"... that doesn't prove they're cis, it might just prove that some of them aren't trans (which, what does it mean, when transness is determined through earnest self-identification?). It doesn't prove that they're girls directly, or at least it only does so through the cisnormative implication that because most people are cis and assigned a gender, it's more likely for someone to be their assigned gender exclusively than trans (which doesn't work when you apply it individually). What if the person is really trans? Why is that never considered and why is the more common and known option pushed as necessarily the truth?

 

And yeah, as you've pointed out, it's straight up misogynistic. It implies that women can't make their own decisions and need people to supervise them, and also take for granted the ideas that no one wants to be a woman and that womanhood is so awful so of course some girls are "confused" about their own gender.

[Milque Toast]

God, thank you so much @SilenceRadio❤️❤️

I think I'll send these to my mum to read, and although she's already so supportive, I'd feel better knowing that she had a better insight into the impact being trans has had on me, in a positive way. 

Lately, I've gotten so much support from my friends on Aven, and I guess it's also just because I happen to be going through a rough patch, but seriously, thank you so much. I feel like I sound totally cheesey right now, I feel appreciated and seen. 

[Lord Revan]

It's very hot out, but shorts make me very dysphoric

[Guest]

I don't really identify with "female" or "woman" but like at the same time that's how I expect to be identified. I just wish I never went through male puberty. 

 

 

As about ROGD, like, the whole idea of .. .well.. rapid onset gender dysphoria without any of the anti-trans talk, is like, totally a thing. I definitely did have gender dysphoria before I found out I was a woman, but like... I didn't really see it until several years in. And, when I first started being aware of how I'm suppost to be one way and like... not being that way in so many different ways, gave me a lot of dysphoria I didn't experience before. 

 

I know nothing about what ROGD is actually used to say, though, so if it's transphobes... well it's trans phoves. 

 

I think it's totally valid to worry that gender identity is just being used as whatever for yourself, and that you aren't really that gender. I don't really have an answer other than "time will tell" which is useless about talking about what one should do in the immediate future. 

 

I thought that, since my gender dysphoria piled on when I first identified as a woman, that if I changed my identity to male the dysphoria would go away again and even though I wanted and wished I was a woman, I wouldn't be so depressed. Well, turns out gender isn't the only reason I'm depressed, and I still have gender dysphoria even though I currently ID NB.

 

The thing is I just felt that I wouldn't regret going on HRT. And, I don't. I know that if I get past the scary and embarrassing parts about surgery, I won't regret doing that either. And I want to look into fashion and find clothes I enjoy, even if that means staying NB. 

[Guest]

I was gonna post a thing but then I realized it isn't really appropriate to talk about on a public forum. I think? IDK. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

I had a dream last night where friends were using female pronouns with me and interacting with me like they wood any other woman. It was nice

[Guest]

I just don't know what to do about this name business. I realized my middle name, which I chose on the day of the name change hearing because my lawyer was like "Ashe sounds like a male name" is actually a name that means "oath of god" or some bulshit and I'm just like fuck offfff so for the past three weeks I've been playing around with nicknames of my middle name now I'm like just fuck it legally change my name again who gives a shit. I bet the governments gonna be like "no you had your shot if you don't like it you're just gonna have to live with it"

 

at least I can select a name I like and go by it... problem is none of the names I've seen really "speak" to me so who is to say I won't dislike whatever name I pick just like my current one and my previous one

 

Unfortunately "teagan" no longer feels comfortable for me to use because it's associated with a psychosis episode that makes me question if there really is no supernatural shit like god lmao

 

I've been liking "Bay" but I don't know if it fits me, and I am hesitating on jumping for a gender neutral name because maybe I want to be seen as a woman even if people not in the know think I'm a man 

 

but what if I'm just a man in a dress and look totally cringe. 

 

literally I thrw on a sundress to go downstairs to get water and my mom saw me and fuckin flinched and look so surprised and scared and I can't make that response go away

 

and don't forget that time I was in the train and the lady thought she was sitting next to a woman but when she saw my face look so startled and uncomfortable

 

I just am full of anxiety. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

30 minutes ago, hois said:

I just don't know what to do about this name business. I realized my middle name, which I chose on the day of the name change hearing because my lawyer was like "Ashe sounds like a male name" is actually a name that means "oath of god" or some bulshit and I'm just like fuck offfff so for the past three weeks I've been playing around with nicknames of my middle name now I'm like just fuck it legally change my name again who gives a shit. I bet the governments gonna be like "no you had your shot if you don't like it you're just gonna have to live with it"

 

at least I can select a name I like and go by it... problem is none of the names I've seen really "speak" to me so who is to say I won't dislike whatever name I pick just like my current one and my previous one

 

Unfortunately "teagan" no longer feels comfortable for me to use because it's associated with a psychosis episode that makes me question if there really is no supernatural shit like god lmao

 

I've been liking "Bay" but I don't know if it fits me, and I am hesitating on jumping for a gender neutral name because maybe I want to be seen as a woman even if people not in the know think I'm a man 

 

but what if I'm just a man in a dress and look totally cringe. 

 

literally I thrw on a sundress to go downstairs to get water and my mom saw me and fuckin flinched and look so surprised and scared and I can't make that response go away

 

and don't forget that time I was in the train and the lady thought she was sitting next to a woman but when she saw my face look so startled and uncomfortable

 

I just am full of anxiety. 

Checking around online I saw that more girls were named Ashe than boys in 2021. Also seen some people consider it non-binary as a name.

 

It does sounds like youre coming from anxiety in this. I know it can be hard when the thoughts have a lot of self-doubt, but they are feelings afffecting when things can be more grounded for making decisions. And actually it's better to think about decisions when feeling better, since negative feelings lead to focusing on the worst. Things can be and feel better.

 

give yourself some time if you can and when things feel good, you can see what makes sense to you then. Names should take long ti decide on too, since they're important enough. So maybe you can be easy on yourself and give yourself that time too.