Trans Musings & Rantings

[DuranDuranfan]

17 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I actually didn't like the word selfie when it became an official word of the English language.  I guess I might have been just unwilling to change because I have never really been the one to be into social media or doing anything that was "in".  I'm a weird millennial that way.

 

I think they was the word of the year last year or something?  It definitely brought recognition to they as a singular pronoun.

Yeah even Beyoncé hates the word “Bootylicious” even more so since it’s also in the dictionary.

 

I guess it’s being in the dictionary means is why it doesn’t have a red line under it. 

[anisotrophic]

I guess this is a rant.

I've been taking kids to the pool. Sometimes there's neighbors, keeping distance, but folks aren't masked (because it's the pool).

So… swim trunks, gc2b binder and "rash guard" shirt, nascent beard/mustache, deepening voice, almost a year on T. But… long hair, kids still calling me "mommy", and… a binder != perfectly flat chest.

Neighbors don't ask, but I sense the confusion. I noticed "What's your name?" is the "innocuous" question I get, intended to give them a gender tell. (Like asking someone "where are you from?" when they want to bin someone according to race/nationality.) It's … uncomfortable, I'm on edge,

I'll be living in this neighborhood indefinitely, I have no idea what they're thinking. I gotta keep coming out, but it just keeps dribbling out. Like: I tell a guy, but later I'm pretty sure his kids don't know – it's never really done.

I tried to suggest one of my kids not call me mommy, but then they started yelling other options so loudly, it just drew more attention to my transness. Ugh.

My cismale spouse joined & was a real stick in the mud. I complained later, and one of his defenses was "I don't like it when other people are there."

Really? YOU don't like it? Yeah 'cause I'm totally enjoying that!
(Sarcasm. I'm sucking up the stress of it because I want the kids to be happy.)

Someone can be totally accepting but still be totally jerkbutt oblivious about trans-related stress.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I guess this is a rant.

I've been taking kids to the pool. Sometimes there's neighbors, keeping distance, but folks aren't masked (because it's the pool).

So… swim trunks, gc2b binder and "rash guard" shirt, nascent beard/mustache, deepening voice, almost a year on T. But… long hair, kids still calling me "mommy", and… a binder != perfectly flat chest.

Neighbors don't ask, but I sense the confusion. I noticed "What's your name?" is the "innocuous" question I get, intended to give them a gender tell. (Like asking someone "where are you from?" when they want to bin someone according to race/nationality.) It's … uncomfortable, I'm on edge,

I'll be living in this neighborhood indefinitely, I have no idea what they're thinking. I gotta keep coming out, but it just keeps dribbling out. Like: I tell a guy, but later I'm pretty sure his kids don't know – it's never really done.

I tried to suggest one of my kids not call me mommy, but then they started yelling other options so loudly, it just drew more attention to my transness. Ugh.

My cismale spouse joined & was a real stick in the mud. I complained later, and one of his defenses was "I don't like it when other people are there."

Really? YOU don't like it? Yeah 'cause I'm totally enjoying that!
(Sarcasm. I'm sucking up the stress of it because I want the kids to be happy.)

Someone can be totally accepting but still be totally jerkbutt oblivious about trans-related stress.

Well then, yeah that could be annoying if even your husband isn't fully understanding. Not everyone has the luxury of people even wondering though, so I guess you do have stuff going for you.  Nothing wrong with being trans, but I get it it would be nice if it was all aligned together. Hope your family comes to understand your feelings better. It's amazing you've gone as far as you have though.

[anisotrophic]

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Well then, yeah that could be annoying if even your husband isn't fully understanding.

I think it was just… obliviousness, just thinking about himself, followed by a lack of emotional response I wish I could get (e.g. dismay at having accidentally said something so insensitive). I'm going to the pool so the kids can have fun, and I've got much bigger reasons to not enjoy it myself. 😕 

We're going through a phase right now where it's like "maybe he's not ace, maybe it's alexithymia". Which is rough because now it's "does he actually feel love? can he actually feel sorry?"

But yeah I definitely have a LOT going for me. I can transition, and I have a spouse that's totally OK with that – that is REALLY huge, god knows how I'd feel otherwise! And work is fine (or people can suck it, I'm pretty independent). But still challenges, less typical… complexity/stress around being a transitioning parent (everything is set up for "a mommy and a daddy"), plus doing it with a home/neighborhood I won't leave. Blah.

[nerdperson777]

9 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I think it was just… obliviousness, just thinking about himself, followed by a lack of emotional response I wish I could get (e.g. dismay at having accidentally said something so insensitive). I'm going to the pool so the kids can have fun, and I've got much bigger reasons to not enjoy it myself. 😕 

We're going through a phase right now where it's like "maybe he's not ace, maybe it's alexithymia". Which is rough because now it's "does he actually feel love? can he actually feel sorry?"

But yeah I definitely have a LOT going for me. I can transition, and I have a spouse that's totally OK with that – that is REALLY huge, god knows how I'd feel otherwise! And work is fine (or people can suck it, I'm pretty independent). But still challenges, less typical… complexity/stress around being a transitioning parent (everything is set up for "a mommy and a daddy"), plus doing it with a home/neighborhood I won't leave. Blah.

I thought about a dream I had a couple years ago.  Before I had top surgery, I was less than an A cup.  In this dream, it was more like a B/C and I was feeling really dysphoric.  I had to get my feelings out to someone, and it just happened to be my cishet teammate from my club.  So I'm telling him about how I don't like having boobs, especially ones this big.  He's dismissing my feelings, saying that "girls" are supposed to have boobs, and it's nothing to be worried about.  I didn't really come out to my club until like my last term, when I was clearly not looking feminine anymore, and people probably saw me go in and out of the men's room.  So I didn't even need to actually have bigger boobs, and this dream was enough to tell me that I never want boobs ever.  The unrelated part of this dream was that it took place in the guy's driveway, where there was a larger-than-human-size dinosaur figure.  I only told my cis presenting GNC friend (who doesn't really think too much about gender due to lack of dysphoria) about the dinosaur, as I didn't think it was time to hear about my chest dysphoria.

 

I was telling my trans chat about how I'm considering "cross"dressing so a trans girl who has transitioned enough to be passing for a while wondered what would happen if she went in the men's room.  I said that I don't think people would care because my assumably cis therapist said that if the women's line is long, she's not going to care and walk into the men's room.  But that could be cis privilege.  I had once gone to a cishet girl's birthday party, where she was friends with my roommates.  There was a talk about bathrooms and she didn't understand why they two didn't just use the bathrooms opposite of their AGAB.  Of my apartment, I'm probably the only really passing one.  She didn't think about how they can get harassed just for being in the bathrooms.  My non-binary roommate identifies as butch and they have been shooed out of bathrooms because people somehow miss D cups.  I guess they are pretty tall and have big shoulders so that can look masculine.  I'm not sure how much D cups can look like pecs when they don't bind.  But anyway, this friend of theirs seems to not realize her cis(het) privilege.  She has made insensitive jokes before, not knowing that it's hurtful to some demographic, despite having mental health issues herself.  When called out on being insensitive, she just says "let me have my fun".  I get where she's coming from in that she wants to have something of her own to laugh about, as it's hard to know what marginalized identity we'll accidentally offend next, but we still have to be respectful.

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

I held the door open for a guy and he said "thanks, man." I was simultaneously like "Yay he gendered me correctly!!" and "Damn it, my voice!!"

[Andrea KF]

Good therapy session today. It helps me get my feet on the ground somehow

[Guest]

Getting misgendered over the phone, after stating my name, correcting them. Nothing took the hint...

 

😭 

 

Haven't experienced that in a while now.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

13 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

Getting misgendered over the phone, after stating my name, correcting them. Nothing took the hint...

 

😭 

 

Haven't experienced that in a while now.

Sorry to hear. At least it sounds like you get correctly gendered a lot?

I wouldn't be correctly gendered, I find it hard to work on my voice.

[Guest]

Just now, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Sorry to hear. At least it sounds like you get correctly gendered a lot?

I wouldn't be correctly gendered, I find it hard to work on my voice.

Mhmm, I do... somewhat in my experience...

 

Voice is hard though, I even still wish it was better... 😕 ... Or lets just say, never ruined by T

[Sarah-Sylvia]

3 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

Mhmm, I do... somewhat in my experience...

 

Voice is hard though, I even still wish it was better... 😕 ... Or lets just say, never ruined by T

That's very good. I only started hormones last year and im in my 30s now, so I have a lot to make up for. I think there's always more we can work on, but it's worth appreciating what you have going I know it still sucks when it happens.

My mom has been saying masculine things about me. I know she doesn't support my being trans, but it's getting a little annoying, I feel like telling her that it bothers me sometime. I just don't like arguing..

[Guest]

Just now, Sarah-Sylvia said:

That's very good. I only started hormones last year and im in my 30s now, so I have a lot to make up for. I think there's always more we can work on, but it's worth appreciating what you have going I know it still sucks when it happens.

My mom has been saying masculine things about me. I know she doesn't support my being trans, but it's getting a little annoying, I feel like telling her that it bothers me sometime. I just don't like arguing..

Mommmmmmmm!!!!!

 

Sigh why is family the hardest to... adjust themselves? 

[Andrea KF]

I left a lot of more or less blatant cues in my apartment which I know my mom has seen. She hasn't said anything. Idk she even understands them.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

7 hours ago, Andrea KF said:

I left a lot of more or less blatant cues in my apartment which I know my mom has seen. She hasn't said anything. Idk she even understands them.

Sometimes they can ignore certain things or not know what to make of it.
I'm pretty sure my dad has seen lots of things that could point to being trans, (I havent told him yet) but I also feel like he just doesn't know what to make of it.
My room does also have quite a bit of cute stuff in it now XD Though someone could just think that I need a girlfriend or something, which is funny now that I think about it. Some people I know don't talk a lot, so I don't really know what they think about me.

[Kimmie.]

*hugs* to everyone in need.

[aring91]

Thx 🙂

[Guest]

I hate this body... 

 

😭 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

2 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

I hate this body... 

 

😭 

I feel you.
I try not to hate on it, and I don't want to hurt it (except in the cases where I have to like lasering facial hair). It's just really hard to see ourselves in it, but remember we're beyond what we look like too. At least that sometimes helps me.

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

What's worse than everyone deadnaming you?

 

Everyone calling you the correct name but not realizing your masculine name is... masculine and calling you the wrong pronouns. It just makes me feel gross about my name

[Karst]

I have a hard time understanding how gender fluidity works.  As someone who doesn't really "identify" with any particular gender, it's difficult for me to imagine shifting between them. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

10 hours ago, Karst said:

I have a hard time understanding how gender fluidity works.  As someone who doesn't really "identify" with any particular gender, it's difficult for me to imagine shifting between them. 

When I  feel agender for a while, I can get what you mean, I almost forget what it's like to be male or female and even if a part of me struggles to feel like I'd usually want (female) I can't seem to grasp it 😜

When you feel it, you know it.

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

12 hours ago, Karst said:

I have a hard time understanding how gender fluidity works.  As someone who doesn't really "identify" with any particular gender, it's difficult for me to imagine shifting between them. 

Same here. I'm not meaning to invalidate anyone but I don't understand how one can switch between different genders, and how one would know that it's different from being a cis person who has varying levels of masculinity, femininity, and neutrality. That isn't to say I don't believe it's a real experience, I just don't understand it and if someone could explain it, I'd like to understand 🙂

[Sarah-Sylvia]

21 minutes ago, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

Same here. I'm not meaning to invalidate anyone but I don't understand how one can switch between different genders, and how one would know that it's different from being a cis person who has varying levels of masculinity, femininity, and neutrality. That isn't to say I don't believe it's a real experience, I just don't understand it and if someone could explain it, I'd like to understand 🙂

Well, those are gender expressions, not necessarily how someone feels inside about their gender. Someone trans can usually relate to feeling different genders because if you believe you're one gender (the one you were born with) but feel conflict and like there's other truer feelings about how it feels to be you, then you can have an idea of how it is to feel like different genders. Someone who's fluid can more easily put it on equal levels, so they don't just stick to one gender, it can shift and they go with it. In my case it shifts but I don't go with it, I know that I feel truest to my heart when I feel female. I can be tomboy or feminine, it doesn't matter, so long as I feel like a girl. That's how it is for me anyway.

[Nelyafin]

When I first transitioned at work (10 years ago), my experience was super-positive from my colleagues and also at corporate level. I'm still at the same company, and we're doing a week-long feature/celebration of diversity next month.  I've written an article for the company blog to describe my experience of coming out and transitioning in work; hopefully it may help someone who is feeling too scared to come out.  And it's quite scary because there are a lot of people in the company who never knew me 10 years ago and they have no clue that I have a trans history. 

 

It's a totally different kind of "coming out" from the first kind, and in a way it's even harder. My first coming out, when I started transition, was necessary in order to get people to use the right name and pronouns, and to explain the changes they'd see in the future. But now, post-transition, when people already see me as my true gender, coming out again as trans brings a whole new sense of vulnerability; I'm deliberately exposing something about myself that I've purposefully kept hidden for years.

 

But it feels right to do it, and it feels right to do it now.  😨

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I feel like I want to transition, it's just really hard to be determined, because I have so many concerns about taking those steps. I still want to, and I think it's possible. I just gotta get things good in myself with it all.

[Karst]

3 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I feel like I want to transition, it's just really hard to be determined, because I have so many concerns about taking those steps. I still want to, and I think it's possible. I just gotta get things good in myself with it all.

There's no shame in waiting until you're in a more stable place in life.

[Guest]

@Phoenix the II

Spoiler

 

Bro stopped by for a visit a few days ago. He started talking about the use of they/them pronouns. There's a local media personality that recently came out as nonbinary and changed their name. Bro heard about it on the radio and wanted to talk about it. I did my best to explain it to him. 

 

My bro is a pretty understanding, openminded person, but I must confess that he had trouble coming to terms with the fact that his younger sibling is nonbinary. I know that it can be upsetting, having a family member came out to you about stuff like that. I'm glad that he's willing to learn, tho. He's having trouble wrapping his mind around the idea of a singular they/them, but he's trying. I sent him an article for him to read. I hope that it helps him to understand.  

[Guest]

Just now, Just Dani said:

@Phoenix the II

  Hide contents

 

Bro stopped by for a visit a few days ago. He started talking about the use of they/them pronouns. There's a local media personality that recently came out as nonbinary and changed their name. Bro heard about it on the radio and wanted to talk about it. I did my best to explain it to him. 

 

My bro is a pretty understanding, openminded person, but I must confess that he had trouble coming to terms with the fact that his younger sibling is nonbinary. I know that it can be upsetting, having a family member came out to you about stuff like that. I'm glad that he's willing to learn, tho. He's having trouble wrapping his mind around the idea of a singular they/them, but he's trying. I sent him an article for him to read. I hope that it helps him to understand.  

 

xD Bro is trying! weeee

[Guest]

@Phoenix the II Yeah, he is, and that makes me happy.  

 

Thankfully bro has never gotten hostile with me about it. Not that he would, for he's not that kind of person. But I do know what it's like for people to get hostile towards me in regards to my gender identity. I've never understood that, getting angry at someone in regards to their gender or gender identity.  

[Guest]

Bro read the article on they/them pronouns I had sent him, and he thanked me for it. He said that the examples for singular use they/them really helped him to understand how they are used in everyday language. That made me happy.