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3 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

I think a lot of trans people, myself included, are damaged as fuck by transition. Damaged from the dysphoria, and damaged from the cure. Damaged in that we end up like this. Toxic from our own wounds. How could you not be?

Oh thank god, someone finally put it into words

 

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butterflydreams
2 hours ago, vmdraco said:

Oh thank god, someone finally put it into words

 

I don't want to imply that all trans people are damaged. Clearly they aren't. I certainly am.

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Just now, Hadley167 said:

I don't want to imply that all trans people are damaged. Clearly they aren't. I certainly am.

Oh no I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that, I just related to what you said :)  I didn't mean to insinuate a generalization of trans people.  Oftentimes I feel like what I want for myself is perceived as toxic or the lengths to do so is toxic and affects other people in ways in which I end up being seen as toxic.  If that made sense... 

 

 

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ChillaKilla

I feel a lot more quick to anger on T. Sure I was fiery before but I could keep it in. Gonna have to step up my impulse control... :mellow: 

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nerdperson777
1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said:

I feel a lot more quick to anger on T. Sure I was fiery before but I could keep it in. Gonna have to step up my impulse control... :mellow: 

I'm not really quick to anger but I think I started to be after some family revelations.  I keep imagining myself in angering situations but I doubt that it would actually get mad if the situations ever happen.  My mom touched my laundry two days in a row after I told her that I didn't like my stuff being touched.  (I washed my darks one night but forgot to press on for whites so I washed it the next night, then left them in the dryer until the next morning like I did with dark.)  I just ended up having the same argument.  She said my clothes were getting wrinkly.  Well, they're my wrinkly problem.  It has nothing to do with her.  Then last night she saw me before I left to go hang out with friends.  She reminded me that I had work the next day.  I hate her reminders.  Of course I know I have work.  My urge to move out is there again.

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Mezzo Forte
10 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Rarely, I do vent my angry thoughts to my friend. Because I have to. Because I can't just hold it all inside and pretend like it doesn't bother me constantly. I never lash out here. I never say those things here. At worst, I sometimes hint at them. 

 

I think a lot of trans people, myself included, are damaged as fuck by transition. Damaged from the dysphoria, and damaged from the cure. Damaged in that we end up like this. Toxic from our own wounds. How could you not be?

Venting's important, and I'm glad you have someone who can help give you an outlet. Sometimes, venting on the web can be a landmine, so IRL friends can help prevent the venting from turning into something as frustrating as an Internet argument.

 

I completely understand why you hold your views about damage as a trans person. Can't say I personally resonate with that, but I've had an absurd amount of good fortune/circumstance on my side, so that's been letting my wounds heal rather than fester. At most, perhaps the dysphoria left some scars on my relationship with my music, but there are so many other factors at play that I only look to the past to best figure out how to move forward with the cards I have now. 

 

Spoiler

Still, I know how low dysphoria can take anyone, and I remember a specific moment in my life when I felt like I was standing at the precipice, staring down into the void that dysphoria was leading me to. That was the moment it made me consider giving up on my music. Giving up the thing that gave my life purpose/drive with nothing to replace it. That would have been the beginning of the path to suicide.

 

I was so shaken by the possibility of becoming suicidal that I jumped into action and transitioned the way I did. Dysphoria took someone like me, generally 100% healthy, privileged, and with a strong self-preservation instinct, and put suicide in my mind. If it could do that shit to me, then I weep for those who aren't so lucky.

 

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nerdperson777

I know Mezzo said that he wasn't that tall but I can't help but imagine him as that character in the profile gif, big and muscular.

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butterflydreams
7 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

 

I completely understand why you hold your views about damage as a trans person. Can't say I personally resonate with that, but I've had an absurd amount of good fortune/circumstance on my side, so that's been letting my wounds heal rather than fester. At most, perhaps the dysphoria left some scars on my relationship with my music, but there are so many other factors at play that I only look to the past to best figure out how to move forward with the cards I have now. 

I don't and never would begrudge anyone for having better fortune in this. I'm glad you've had good fortune, and I'm glad your family has been so relatively supportive. Sometimes I think, "Hadley, you've had good fortune too." In reality, I've only lost my parents and my sister. But as far as family goes, that's basically all of it. And I just don't have many friends to lose, and only one of them is even semi-local.

 

As to the spoiler,

Spoiler

I think I transitioned for fear of something similar. I didn't expect the suicidal feelings to return though :(

 

Transition has been very expensive for me. Even with health insurance. I spent over 1K on laser alone. And I still probably need more, even though I've stopped. Money has been very tight this past year because of that. And doctor's appointments and medication, etc, etc, etc. Add about 500 on new documents. Plus the time and stress. 

 

So I think, how in the world could I afford orchiectomy? I know I need it. So badly. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm trying to establish a tight budget but I can't just spend everything on transition. I think I'd still like to buy a house some day. Hahaha, what a pipe dream. Just like bottom surgery.

 

It makes me feel like, this is my life? Fuck this. Fuck it straight to hell. And I want to check out.

 

Having a partner would go a long way to helping. Living with someone would help cut my rent down, and two incomes might be able to make a house work. But nobody I've found wants to date a tranny. I had a dozen, 100%, rejections from matches in the past week on two apps. And even if I do find someone, I can't give him kids. 

 

Sounds pretty bad...I fucked up my medication prescription and have been having to go without for a few days. I've been degrading a lot faster than even I thought I would. :( 

 

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@Hadley167 i know that I can't do much for you. more than word.

I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. But remember this there are people here that looks up to you. 

*hugs*

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Calligraphette_Coe
On 8/4/2017 at 0:58 PM, Hadley167 said:

Confession...

 

Sometimes I just want to lash out and say all of the worst things here. So that everyone will hate me. So I can shatter the positive role model people see. So I can leave everything. I could make you all hate me. I just can't seem to fix my life, and every time I dare to believe for a moment that I'm just like anyone else, I get struck down with so much force.

Ah! The old 'disillusion me so I can prove the world is shit' rainy day feelings.

 

Won't work, sweetie. We can't be made to hate you. All that would happen is that some of us go into porcupine mode and give your lashing-out-shelf a beezer full of quills that you realized you ran into under your own steam. Then we all have a good cry and help you pull them out.

 

Really? You don't really know a person until you've cried with them over the slings and arrows of misfortune (that spares no one). So cultivate your relationships with your lady friends, because you can tell us anything.

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Does anyone else get sort of like a high from going to the barbershop or hair salon that is super different from how you felt when you used to go to the opposite place? 

 

I just love getting my hair cut at the barbershop so much. Everything about it from the way it physically feels, to being in that little place like a regular guy, to getting the final result of the haircut is always a great experience for me and I wish I could do it more often. I guess it's not really necessary to switch from going to the beauty salon/hair salon (what is it called??) to going to the barbershop in the case of being ftm or transmasculine but for me it's been one of the best changes I made and for the foreseeable future I'm definitely not going back to the other place. 

 

For me both places are actually kind of too extreme opposites, at least the ones I've been to, like hair salons have an all woman or almost all woman staff and they usually have news or movies/shows playing on a tv and they talk about gossipy things or things about their life or your life while doing your hair, and they have this big bright colorful space with a comfortable couch to wait in and art on the walls. Then in the barbershop I go to, which is literally right next to the hair salon I used to go to, they always have sports on the tv and that's also what they talk about with each other while doing your hair, the place is very monochrome and probably over three times smaller, and there's just a little chair in the corner for anyone waiting a turn. 

 

Neither of these settings are really my ideal thing but at least in the barbershop they see me as a guy and give me the type of haircut that always makes me feel better, plus I find the whole contrast between the two places fascinating. It's almost like something out of a movie. 

 

But anyway sorry for the rambling, I really just wanted to talk about how much I love getting my hair cut at the barbershop because I just watched a video of a guy getting a haircut and it really made want to get one X'D

Also I took a quiz about what type of beardsman I am...when I can't even grow a beard yet...

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Well now I know why I have had so low self-esteem and self-worth for so long. It is this damn dysphoria that just pulls me down.

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7 hours ago, Liebelit said:

Does anyone else get sort of like a high from going to the barbershop or hair salon that is super different from how you felt when you used to go to the opposite place? 

 

I just love getting my hair cut at the barbershop so much. Everything about it from the way it physically feels, to being in that little place like a regular guy, to getting the final result of the haircut is always a great experience for me and I wish I could do it more often. I guess it's not really necessary to switch from going to the beauty salon/hair salon (what is it called??) to going to the barbershop in the case of being ftm or transmasculine but for me it's been one of the best changes I made and for the foreseeable future I'm definitely not going back to the other place. 

 

For me both places are actually kind of too extreme opposites, at least the ones I've been to, like hair salons have an all woman or almost all woman staff and they usually have news or movies/shows playing on a tv and they talk about gossipy things or things about their life or your life while doing your hair, and they have this big bright colorful space with a comfortable couch to wait in and art on the walls. Then in the barbershop I go to, which is literally right next to the hair salon I used to go to, they always have sports on the tv and that's also what they talk about with each other while doing your hair, the place is very monochrome and probably over three times smaller, and there's just a little chair in the corner for anyone waiting a turn. 

 

Neither of these settings are really my ideal thing but at least in the barbershop they see me as a guy and give me the type of haircut that always makes me feel better, plus I find the whole contrast between the two places fascinating. It's almost like something out of a movie. 

 

But anyway sorry for the rambling, I really just wanted to talk about how much I love getting my hair cut at the barbershop because I just watched a video of a guy getting a haircut and it really made want to get one X'D

Also I took a quiz about what type of beardsman I am...when I can't even grow a beard yet...

The salons I've been in are usually filled with trashy gossip magazines about celebrities I've never heard of and background pop music. I've also never liked how nosy hairdressers are there, why do they need to know what I'm doing at the weekend and where I'm going on holiday?? They can also never do my hair consistently (I always ask for the same number shave and it's completely different every time. I swear I've had 7s one time and 4s the next -.-) and then they charge loads for it!

 

I recently went to where my dad gets his hair cut because we didn't have time before our holiday to get an appointment anywhere any his place does walk ins. I was honestly surprised my dad let me go there since I've been thinking about trying to persuade him to take me with him for a while now. The place still had an all female staff but it was such a different experience. All we talked about was how I wanted my hair doing and they actually did it without question, no suggestions to make it more "feminine" or comments about how I must be one of those "cool kids" that like an "edgy" style, they just cut my hair and asked  for 1/4 of what a salon would have charged me. The staff still saw me as female but it was nice knowing that any other customers walking in assumed I was a guy, until I had to get up and discuss payment that is :/ Haven't had a haircut since but I'm definitely going back there when I need one, hopefully I can use saving money as an excuse if my dad confronts me on it.

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I go to the hairdresser, but I suspect she's non-binary herself, so no problems chopping my hair off :P I find the sensation of getting my hair cut addictive, ha ha. I get so excited every time.

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butterflydreams
8 hours ago, Liebelit said:

Does anyone else get sort of like a high from going to the barbershop or hair salon that is super different from how you felt when you used to go to the opposite place? 

I always looked at it as a chore, but I actually like it now that my hair is super long and you can do stuff with it. Plus the woman who does it always likes to say how healthy it is and gives me lots of ideas of things I can do. It's still kind of a chore, but it's a fun chore. I also don't go anywhere near as often as I used to.

 

6 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

Well now I know why I have had so low self-esteem and self-worth for so long. It is this damn dysphoria that just pulls me down.

*hugs* dysphoria will do that. But you can fight it. You can fight it and you can win. Maybe not completely, but you can beat it down a few times. That's pretty satisfying when you do it. That's how I do it anyway. It punches me a lot, but sometimes, I get in a few good punches back. It's nice to feel that little amount of relief, even if you have to do it all over again later.

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I have never been to a hairdresser. My mom has always cut my hair because I have not really cared for it. But now I can't wait until I can go. I have so many ideas that I want to try and get get suggestions about.

 

Thanks @Hadley167 and now when I know what it is I can finally do something about it. 

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999papercranes

For a while I was getting so excited because I thought I would be getting a binder but then I realized even if I got one I would only be able to wear it on weekends and for like three hours in the evening during the week because of school. This is because I have cross country after every school day and the girls (never mind that I'm not one) change in one big room with no separate stalls and there's the issue of people seeing the binder and the issue of me changing out of/into it. I'll probably be stuck in sports bras until I'm out of high school... :( 

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nerdperson777
11 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

I have never been to a hairdresser. My mom has always cut my hair because I have not really cared for it. But now I can't wait until I can go. I have so many ideas that I want to try and get get suggestions about.

 

Thanks @Hadley167 and now when I know what it is I can finally do something about it. 

Same.  I think I really wanted hair as short as typical boy hair but growing up where I didn't get anything I wanted to the point I gave up asking, I just settled.  If people have seen my haircut before and after photo, my before hair was just like my mom's, except she curled her bangs and all the way around.  She had short hair and I never wanted long hair so that's what I had for 19 years of my life.  Funny how my parents never ask anymore about when I should go get a haircut.  They totally want me with long hair again.  My last haircut was only a month and a half ago and I usually go on for 2-3 months.  The girl who cut my hair didn't cut very much so I didn't get to feel all the prickles I enjoyed at the end of most haircuts.  Hair is getting long..

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After seeing uh...some NSFW things lately and not being very phased (just slightly grossed out) I realised that both male and female parts are weird, and thinking about it a bit, I finally understand why someone would want to be both male and/or female (sex-wise) whether it be about their body or gender roles or social..roles. (I couldn't find a better way to word that).

 

It's confusing that sometimes/occasionally/often I wish I was born male/had male parts and/or maybe a flat chest, yet at the same time I wish I was more into girl stuff and kind of like how feminine i look sometimes, besides just thinking girls are pretty and that i like using female characters in video games because I like the way they look/dress and think of myself as a girl slightly I guess, but I know that playing as a character in a video game because you like how they look or liking masculine or feminine things doesn't make you whatever gender.

 

Or maybe I just can't accept the possibility of being NB or genderfluid,bigender,etc., mainly because people don't believe those and think anyone who's NB or genderfluid are mentally ill,'special snowflakes', confusing themselves, or feminists who take things too far.

 

or maybe I'm the stupid one taking it too seriously.

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6 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

It's confusing that sometimes/occasionally/often I wish I was born male/had male parts and/or maybe a flat chest, yet at the same time I wish I was more into girl stuff

Makes sense to me. You're masculine and you have lady bits. You want very different gendered things at different times.

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nerdperson777
1 hour ago, Emery. said:

Makes sense to me. You're masculine and you have lady bits. You want very different gendered things at different times.

I would advise against using "lady bits" or other words like that because I've heard it being wrong terminology.  An AMAB trans person can still call their parts the same thing.

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butterflydreams
1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

I would advise against using "lady bits" or other words like that because I've heard it being wrong terminology.  An AMAB trans person can still call their parts the same thing.

Meh, I know I'm just one person, but I don't particularly care. 

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nerdperson777
3 minutes ago, Hadley167 said:

Meh, I know I'm just one person, but I don't particularly care. 

Well, I just said "can".  It's just a thing with gendering body parts, which can raise emotions in others.  Meanwhile, I don't like my mom having a conversation with me talking about my ovaries, p*ssy, eggs and other things.  If I ever say anything about my own parts, if I ever will, I'm just calling them reproductive organs, crotch, and cells.

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So I came to a realisation today: The main reason I wanted to go on testosterone was to get my chest muscles shaped right for top surgery. But everything I've read says that if you exercise your chest muscles, you can get them the right shape without hormones.

I had thought that the lower voice would be a nice benefit, but over the past few days, I've realised that the puberty I wish I could have gone through would just have lowered my voice to a high tenor, but more likely a low alto, and I'm already at a medium alto.

 

It's great to be non-binary, by the way. You always know everything about yourself.</sarcasm>

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butterflydreams

Lmao, I'm just gonna leave this here

 

http://transoriented.com/it-just-fits-me-chris/111/

 

Even when they try to explain it, it goes wrong in the first few sentences. Jeez, trans women are not "women with penises". If you're attracted to women with penises you're attracted to women with penises, not trans women. It's a fetish, and there's nothing wrong with that, but don't drag me into it.

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2 minutes ago, Hadley167 said:

Lmao, I'm just gonna leave this here

 

http://transoriented.com/it-just-fits-me-chris/111/

 

Even when they try to explain it, it goes wrong in the first few sentences. Jeez, trans women are not "women with penises".

"...a loving relationship is the center of a happy man’s life..."

 

...what about romance repulsed men? And just aromantic male identified people in general, since I doubt he was including queerplatonic relationships in that...

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7 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I would advise against using "lady bits" or other words like that because I've heard it being wrong terminology.  An AMAB trans person can still call their parts the same thing.

Yup. You're right. Sorry 'bout that.

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*sigh* Being trans and not feeling dysphoria. Irritating. I wish expressing my gender was easier.

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51 minutes ago, Emery. said:

*sigh* Being trans and not feeling dysphoria. Irritating. I wish expressing my gender was easier.

Not feeling dysphoria is irritating?? Why? (I'm genuinely curious) 

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2 minutes ago, Liebelit said:

Not feeling dysphoria is irritating?? Why? (I'm genuinely curious) 

Maybe I do feel dysphoria, but it doesn't have any sharp focused points. This is why this is irritatimg, I feel bad and I'm clueless how to fix it.

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