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6 hours ago, Evren said:

So I still have no idea who I am or what my gender identity is if anything, but I snogged a woman twice and I found that I love plaid. So there you go. 

Truly inspirational. 😉

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On 2/15/2019 at 12:44 AM, Evren said:

Hi all it's been awhile since I've been in this thread. I decided to take a break, because I was just getting more and more confused and upset about my gender. And Guess what, almost a year later (possibly more) I still am :P. I'm female, I like being called sir and I like he/him pronouns, except for  the fact that when people use she/her pronouns irl it doesn't really bug me that much it just feels really unsettling. I still don't like my boobs, because they get in the way. And I still don't like my uterus because it hates me. I only feel like myself if my hair is cut in a mans style and I am wearing men's clothing. I donated all my skirts and dresses by now and I love plaid. I have also realized in my time away that I really love women, like quite possibly more than I like men. So I have to ask myself now if its possible that I am just a very stereotypical butch lesbian (The Plaid Guys, It's Plaid). So I still have no idea who I am or what my gender identity is if anything, but I snogged a woman twice and I found that I love plaid. So there you go. 

He/him lesbians are a thing!

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ElasticPlanet
On 2/15/2019 at 5:44 AM, Evren said:

So I still have no idea who I am or what my gender identity is if anything, but I snogged a woman twice and I found that I love plaid. So there you go.

I think a lot of us start to find our path through unknown gender territory by collecting together the things we do know, and finding patterns that connect those things. Good luck!

 

As for plaid, as an amab enby (escaping from an unwanted male identity) I usually find it a bit too masc. So in an upcoming sewing project I'm planning to give it a very hard time. I eventually found some checked cloth in more or less ace colours. Instead of the usual thing - an entire shirt of the same cloth and the pattern aligned with the buttons down the front - I'll make an otherwise plain skinny T shirt but with some panels of the plaid (at some odd angle, with rounded corners) inserted into it asymmetrically in unexpected places. Been playing around with the details of the design but still working on it...

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4 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

 

As for plaid, as an amab enby (escaping from an unwanted male identity) I usually find it a bit too masc.

For me it's not the plaid shirt which is to masc it is more that my body is to masculine to wear plaid. I really admire how (soft) butch women look and want to be able to dress like them without looking like a man. Similar to trans masc enbies I know who like wearing skirts and dresses, but feel they look to feminine in them.

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13 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

He/him lesbians are a thing!

I was wondering whether I should say it, but yeah, Evren sounds like the definition of a he/him lesbian :P.

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ElasticPlanet
8 hours ago, Bloc said:

For me it's not the plaid shirt which is to masc it is more that my body is to masculine to wear plaid.

I think you meant that the combination of this kind of shirt with a testosterone-based body is too masculine. It doesn't look or feel nonbinary enough for you... I'm similar - if I'd had the exact same gender identity but been assigned female instead, I think the same shirt would have worked better for me.

 

This sounds like the old problem, that what it takes to present as nonbinary depends which assigned gender you're trying to escape from. 😕 So if you're amab and presenting femme-of-centre (the nonexistence of an actual centre point we'd all agree on is another whole sexist problem I won't go into now...) or afab and presenting somewhat masc, how are you supposed to know whether the way you want to look is something you want purely for its own sake, or just a way of getting as far as possible from what you were unwillingly assigned?

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(Please tag me instead)

I came out to my French teacher after class and I don't know if I should be happy or not about how she reacted. However, I was surprised/confused for sure.

In class, we had to do a casual conversation in French and the guys I worked with assumed I was a guy. Even when the teacher came to check on us and corrected one of them to use she for me, that guy said her but then corrected himself fast to use 'him' back.

During our conversation, the teacher corrected my group that it was wrong to use masculine words because I was a 'girl'.

The class was very quiet, everyone could hear it clearly, which makes things awkward again. I again couldn't bring myself to correct her right away.

It's the second time already that it happened with the same teacher but different class because I had to repeat this subject.

Thank goodness, this class isn't with my own classmates this time, I'm repeating this class from another course. However, I don't know how I should face them next week. 😅

Especially with the guys I worked with, either way they must think this kid is weird/is he he or she now/ why didn't he correct us or the teacher or they think the teacher is weird?

 

After class, I went up to the teacher and told her "Madame, there's something I should have told you last year but I didn't dare to tell you. I'm not a girl."

Teacher: "You're aren't? Why wouldn't you dare to tell me sooner? It's my mistake. I'm sorry, it's because your name sounds feminine to me that I assumed you were.  Your name is from a different culture after all. I didn't know."

Me: "..??? It's usually the opposite hahaha..." 

Teacher: *laughs* Really? That's hard to imagine that but okay, so you are a guy?"

Me: "Yes"

Teacher: "Okay, I'm going to remember that. see you next week."

 

That was so new to me, how could my name sound feminine to her? I've only experienced people assuming it's masculine up till now.

(I actually don't know myself so I like to assume it's unisex)

Up till now I thought she assumed I was a girl for other reasons, but the reason was my name(?!)

If I knew that, I would have told her sooner! 

I also don't know how I should face my classmate from the course because she also transferred to this class. She questioned what I asked to the teacher, but I replied vaguely.

She didn't stop so I told her quickly "I didn't dare to tell you too because we went to the same secondary school but I'm not a girl. See you next week" and ran away.

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no-longer-in-use

I  don't really understand what it means to "feel" like a gender. I don't feel like any gender, but I don't quite feel agender either. 🤔

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@Just Dani Yes, it indeed was. I repeated the sentence in my head like three times before daring to tell the teacher. I actually didn't want to come out in school, but the new students always assume I'm a guy at first and the teachers a girl. It's stressful/awkward when a teacher says feminine words to refer me so the others would think they're mistaken and change too. There's also another teacher that's even more worse, but I know she's just being formal to the students though. She refers to the students as miss and mister. Last week, she was telling a new student that I was also like them and advised them what to do. I could hear the teacher clearly tell: "See that girl over there at the second row on the 3rd seat, she also transferred in February. She had to sign out for some subjects and added the basic classes to her program."

That was pretty painful. However, I don't think I want to come out to her though. 😕 

 

I hope so too with my classmate. It's not like she's a trans phobic. It's just she knew me before I discovered my gender identity. It's harder to tell and correct someone who knew me before that. I'm also afraid she'll tell other people we both know and she seems to like gossiping. I don't want her to refer me as "my trans classmate" or something because she refers to her best friend as "my gay friend".

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Celyn: The Lutening
4 hours ago, Coddiwomple said:

I  don't really understand what it means to "feel" like a gender. I don't feel like any gender, but I don't quite feel agender either. 🤔

I understand that feeling, that's why I went for the galaxian system label - so I don't have to work out my relationship with the traditional binary genders, which are way too complicated and emotive for me.

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no-longer-in-use
18 hours ago, Celyn said:

I understand that feeling, that's why I went for the galaxian system label - so I don't have to work out my relationship with the traditional binary genders, which are way too complicated and emotive for me.

I tried the galactian system as well, but eh, it never really felt right for me. I think I just need more time to figure myself out, to be honest.

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ElasticPlanet
On 2/21/2019 at 6:46 AM, Coddiwomple said:

I  don't really understand what it means to "feel" like a gender.

I know what you mean. I thinks that's mainly why I got off to such an infuriating slow start with all this. I eventually realised that for me the part of it that had the clearest answers was about social gender - what categories people were putting me into on the basis of how I look/sound/dress/behave... Note how I said that was the clearest part of it - the bit where I was most sure I had the right answer. It seemed to me that the clearest thing was probably also the most important thing (yes I know - that could turn out to be a mistaken assumption but it's been working OK so far) and so I picked a label for my entire gender identity on the basis of just the social categories component.

 

So instead of asking "which set of feelings corresponds to which gender identity?" I did much better asking myself things like "What feelings do I have about each of the possible gender-assumptions someone might make about me?"

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nerdperson777

My worst dysphoria has returned.  I'm not sure if it's because now my dose got too low to suppress it or it just happened to be the end of my 2 week cycle so I was at a low.  I gave my shot the next day, thinking that I could stop it with the extra T.  I don't think it has stopped yet.  I would have to go another couple months to see if my dosage is too low.  I hope that isn't the case because then I would have to get a hysterectomy to never have it happen ever again.  I can only say that the bright side would be that it isn't a lot so I can afford to dirty a few pairs of underwear instead of using protection.

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Celyn: The Lutening

*Reads about he/him lesbians

*Reads about Bambi (acespec) lesbians

*Smiles

*Remembers he's felt sexual attraction to a man

*Sighs, crumples up "lesbian" and chucks it in the overflowing "labels that don't fit" bin.

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@nerdperson777 *more hugs*

 

I went to the niece's birthday party over the weekend. I spent two hours constantly correcting people to use the proper first name for me. My sister-in-law knows a bit about my situation, but I don't think that she understands. The rest of her family don't know at all. One of her aunts piped up real loud that "Dani was a boy's name". I just grinned and said "So?". 

 

It's so hard when people just don't get it. It feels like most people IRL will only understand if I do something drastic and in their face... 😢 

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7 hours ago, Celyn said:

*Reads about he/him lesbians

*Reads about Bambi (acespec) lesbians

*Smiles

*Remembers he's felt sexual attraction to a man

*Sighs, crumples up "lesbian" and chucks it in the overflowing "labels that don't fit" bin.

A giant landfill of labels follows me around tbh

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no-longer-in-use
8 hours ago, Celyn said:

*Reads about he/him lesbians

*Reads about Bambi (acespec) lesbians

*Smiles

*Remembers he's felt sexual attraction to a man

*Sighs, crumples up "lesbian" and chucks it in the overflowing "labels that don't fit" bin.

I relate...

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nerdperson777
2 hours ago, Just Dani said:

@nerdperson777 *more hugs*

 

I went to the niece's birthday party over the weekend. I spent two hours constantly correcting people to use the proper first name for me. My sister-in-law knows a bit about my situation, but I don't think that she understands. The rest of her family don't know at all. One of her aunts piped up real loud that "Dani was a boy's name". I just grinned and said "So?". 

 

It's so hard when people just don't get it. It feels like most people IRL will only understand if I do something drastic and in their face... 😢 

Dani could be short for Danielle.  It could be any gender.

 

My parents freaked out so much about my lower voice since they can't hide me anymore.  Whenever top surgery happens, that would be so in their face, or not.  They would probably freak out and then when I do get it, they wouldn't even realize.  But if my relatives don't know about my identity, they'll probably pester me about having nipples being visible through my shirt if I wear just a t-shirt.

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Just now, nerdperson777 said:

It could be any gender.

That's what I tell people! :D That's actually why I went with that name. I wanted something short and gender neutral, and it just suited me so well. ☺️

 

2 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

they can't hide me anymore. 

They can't hide me either! Time to come out of the closet! :D 

 

giphy.gif

 

Seriously, tho. It's time. I'm tired of this BS. I've been slowly coming out to more and more people, but it feels like it's taking too damn long... 

 

As for surgery, I know that I'm not there right now. And that's okay. That's going on the back burner for right now. 

 

I would like to work on some other things, tho. I seriously need some new clothes. I go clothes shopping so rarely, my actual closet is quite sad. I want to change my hair. I'm working on getting more piercings. Also planning out some ink. 

 

Okay, maybe these things won't scream my gender, but at least it may get people thinking about stuff. Gotta keep them on their toes! :D 

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Celyn: The Lutening

I called the doctors, partly for this unshiftable cough, but also intending to get the ball rolling on getting referred to a GIC, but my doctor is fully booked and I didn't feel comfortable talking gender stuff with another one, so guess I'm just going to get cough medicine/antibiotics 😕

(P.S. my phone autocorrected that to "I'm just a man" and jeez I wish it was that simple.) 

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Celyn: The Lutening
9 hours ago, Celyn said:

I called the doctors, partly for this unshiftable cough, but also intending to get the ball rolling on getting referred to a GIC, but my doctor is fully booked and I didn't feel comfortable talking gender stuff with another one, so guess I'm just going to get cough medicine/antibiotics 😕

(P.S. my phone autocorrected that to "I'm just a man" and jeez I wish it was that simple.) 

Update: I made an appointment to talk ?hormones?hysto? with my doctor on Thursday. So I guess this is happening now aaaaah....

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56 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Update: I made an appointment to talk ?hormones?hysto? with my doctor on Thursday. So I guess this is happening now aaaaah....

Break a leg!

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nerdperson777
5 hours ago, ColeHW said:

Break a leg!

Already did!

 

The agender person I knew came to a class I was teaching.  I just had everyone run in a circle for warmup and a girl fell down but she was okay.  They said "person down!"  It took that for me to remember that they said that they don't like gendering things needlessly so I felt a connection, knowing why they said that instead of "man/woman/girl down".

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13 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

Already did!

 

The agender person I knew came to a class I was teaching.  I just had everyone run in a circle for warmup and a girl fell down but she was okay.  They said "person down!"  It took that for me to remember that they said that they don't like gendering things needlessly so I felt a connection, knowing why they said that instead of "man/woman/girl down".

I tend to do the same thing.

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no-longer-in-use

Turns out I have less time to come out to my parents than I thought if I want my name to be changed in the school database by next year. I'm okay with that because it means I have less time to obsess over what their reactions will be, but it also creates additional complications like whether I want to come out to everyone this year or wait. I certainly have lots to think about. 🤷‍♂️

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7 hours ago, Coddiwomple said:

Turns out I have less time to come out to my parents than I thought if I want my name to be changed in the school database by next year. I'm okay with that because it means I have less time to obsess over what their reactions will be, but it also creates additional complications like whether I want to come out to everyone this year or wait. I certainly have lots to think about. 🤷‍♂️

I hope that everything goes well for you. 🙂

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Celyn: The Lutening
On 2/26/2019 at 7:49 PM, Celyn said:

Update: I made an appointment to talk ?hormones?hysto? with my doctor on Thursday. So I guess this is happening now aaaaah....

Update #2:

My doctor hardly batted an eyelid when I said my issues with periods are at least half due to gender issues. She just asked "Are you male?"

How brilliant is that? She didn't pry. She didn't even ask "Do you identify as male?" (Because "identify" is cis nonsense for "I think you're just ~confused~") And she had "female" right there on the screen, yet she realised it was wrong. 

Ofc I said no, I'm nonbinary. I realise now that I used to find it hard to come out because I wasn't using the right word/s. Saying "I'm nonbinary" is easy, because it is the truth. 

Doc was like "OK" like she treats enbies every day - maybe she does.

 

Anyway, plan of action:

Ultrasound to see if it's super endometriosis-ey in there, if it is, she's happy to advocate for me to get a hysterectomy (leaving my ovaries - she seemed surprised that I was happy to keep them, I just appreciate what they do for my bone density).

If it's not, IUS with just a lil bit of progesterone. Which apparently doesn't interact with T, which will be good down the road.

Haven't got referred to a GIC yet because we've agreed to do a sneaky and sort the uterus nonsense pretending I'm a cis woman, before anything else. 

But whenever I want that referral I can just pick up the phone.

 

Yeah, my doctor's awesome. 

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