Jump to content

Trans Musings & Rantings


Recommended Posts

1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

The energy I'm referring to is some magical thing that I don't totally understand since I don't have the ability to sense it like some of the people I interact with. It appears very feeling based to me, which my mom doesn't understand at all. Apparently everyone gives of a certain energy based on how they are at the moment. My family has a hopeless vibe about many things and they don't realize it. So they drain other people inadvertently that way. I know it makes little sense but once I stopped trying to make sense of it, I understood it better. 

No, actually I think that makes a lot of sense. Energy systems are amazingly complex, hearing theories on different aspects is always neat. Thanks for telling me about it 😃
 

1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

My room has been a storage room. I tried putting some of my stuff in there to make it feel like I own it but it didn't work. There's this huge desk in there that takes up half the room. I heard that someone got it for a good deal at the farmer's market many years ago. The stuff in the desk are not mine. Mom owns every closet in the house and encroaches all over. Dad said there's a stool for sitting and mom puts her handbag on it now. She will throw a fit if someone takes the bag off to sit on it so even that chair is off limits. My parents don't sleep in the same room so dad has the master bedroom but the closet is all mom's stuff. Mom says dad's stuff is all over his room and he should clean it. He doesn't have a closet or hangers but he has many drawers. The closet in my room has extra blankets and other random junk. The blankets used to be on my desk.

But even growing up, I never felt like I owned anything. My parents would claim it as theirs, even if it was a present to me or I bought it with my own money. Once my aunt was visiting and she got me a Game Boy Advance SP (I was like 9). I had school the next day and was eager to come home and play it. I went to where I left it and it wasn't there. So I cried really hard because I already lost my new game. I then get a call from my mom saying that she took it and she enacted the no games rule on weekdays. There was no warning, no consent, just "this is how it is". I talk about this now and she says that I was small so she had to control my game time. But I bring up anything from the past and she says that I have to get over it. 

This sounds like a near literal hell. So much disorder would melt my brain, it's no wonder you felt that way.
My parents were quite strict generally speaking but they rarely enforced limited game time rules, mostly because they made my brothers and I do so many other things (sports and such) that they figured our few free moments could be spent however we liked... Not to say we didn't get nagged to not play too much, just that it wasn't a hard rule...
Ah yes, because all bad things that happen can just disappear if you just "get over it"... >.>
 

1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

I'd say my parents failed the making your child happy part of 101 but they were only good at responsibilities like not leaving me at school and making sure I was fed and clothed. They would spend all their money on my education but nothing for fun. They just assumed their ways were the only correct ones and no input from me, because "they know more". I've never been that expressive so it could be hard to tell

I personally consider that a critical part of parenting 101. My parents were strict in many ways, there were rules, and rules were to be followed (mostly). The important thing here was most rules applied to everyone (parents and kids) and we were allowed to try many things (except self-styling) because my parents believed if you didn't let children try things they wanted to (within reason) then they would latch on to it and become more obsessive, not to mention resenting the parents for that. 
An example would probably be sweets. Now there are many parents who over-indulge their kids with sweets, and many who restrict them as much as possible. My parents tried their best to make it so sweets were an option, but that was it, they were just something that was there rather than being some special item on a pedestal... I believe this approach worked because when my brothers and I grew up none of us really over-did that kind of thing. Most people I knew turned into blobs the moment they went to university because with their new-found freedom they wanted to experience things that had always been restricted for them. Namely sweets and alcohol... which make a rather bad diet funnily enough...

Of course, because of the way I was raised (probably) I tend to prefer to live a very ordered and scheduled lifestyle, so any unpredictable happenings tend to throw me a bit.
I can't even imagine what it is like for you growing up with little to no structure... =\

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening

Few thoughts eating at me...

 

Why is one of the most common things transphobic parents say to their trans kids to discourage them from transitioning is: "Don't make horrible permanent changes to your body!!!" As if puberty #1 hadn't done that already. 

 

I'm pretty sure I've got my gender on here right, which feels awesome. Just...I wish it wasn't such a long label, and I wish it was static. Idk I guess I've just internalized that "All these wacky fluid nonbinary genders are ridiculous" bullshit spouted by...Well, a lot of people. *Sigh* Someone say I'm valid please???

 

Lastly, I've been thinking about top surgery. I've always wanted it since the chesticles appeared and I always will, but sometimes when I'm watching something with a trans guy showing his post-op chest...some of them look great but some have disproportionately big nipples??? They seemed ok with it but I wouldn't be. Can you get them reduced when they do the nipple grafts or are you stuck with whatever the cursed oestrogen gave you? Does it cost extra moneys? If the only other option was big nips that scream LOOKY HERE through a t-shirt, I'd go the smooth robot chest look.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Why is one of the most common things transphobic parents say to their trans kids to discourage them from transitioning is: "Don't make horrible permanent changes to your body!!!" As if puberty #1 hadn't done that already. 

This is a classic isn't it? "Don't do something you will regret later!", "This will ruin your body!", etc.... as if worse hadn't happened already >.>

 

4 minutes ago, Celyn said:

I'm pretty sure I've got my gender on here right, which feels awesome. Just...I wish it wasn't such a long label, and I wish it was static. Idk I guess I've just internalized that "All these wacky fluid nonbinary genders are ridiculous" bullshit spouted by...Well, a lot of people. *Sigh* Someone say I'm valid please???

I can't even imagine what it must be like to have fluid gender.
But I do believe in your struggle, you ARE valid!
(I'm pretty sure I can say that since I am a weird non-binary gal myself XP)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening
1 minute ago, StomachGod said:

But I do believe in your struggle, you ARE valid!

Much thank :3

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Celyn I think that you're valid. ☺️

 

As for nipple size, I have a friend who had to have a breast reduction. The doctors actually resized them for her to match her now smaller bust.

 

So, it IS possible. Not sure about the cost, tho. My friend lives in Canada, so I believe that it would've all been covered. A good question to ask a surgeon, though. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening

@Just Dani

Whew thanks that makes me feel a tonne better!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

While I'm cisgender female, I had a pretty interesting incident at the store last week.

 

I was buying some last-minute snacks for a hike, so I was in cargo pants and hiking boots. While at the store, another customer tried to get my attention because something dropped from my basket:

 

"Excuse me sir! You dropped something!"

 

Me: (what the heck, don't call me sir, I'm CLEARLY a lady) Q_Q

 

I don't even have short hair! How'd you mistake me for a guy?! 😧

 

First case of gender mis-identity I've ever had..

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Feys&Florets said:

While I'm cisgender female, I had a pretty interesting incident at the store last week.

 

I was buying some last-minute snacks for a hike, so I was in cargo pants and hiking boots. While at the store, another customer tried to get my attention because something dropped from my basket:

 

"Excuse me sir! You dropped something!"

 

Me: (what the heck, don't call me sir, I'm CLEARLY a lady) Q_Q

 

I don't even have short hair! How'd you mistake me for a guy?! 😧

 

First case of gender mis-identity I've ever had..

It's funny what difference a bit of clothing can make right?
Funnily enough, when I was a kid people used to... correctly identify me I guess... I was always dressed as a boy, short hair, etc, but my mannerisms were apparently femme enough that some people genuinely thought I was a girl. Funny how things turned out XP

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
no-longer-in-use

@Celyn You're valid. And remember, people can be a**holes. Don't let their mistaken perception of your validity and identity change your perception of your identity.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ms. Carolynne
13 hours ago, StomachGod said:

It's funny what difference a bit of clothing can make right?
Funnily enough, when I was a kid people used to... correctly identify me I guess... I was always dressed as a boy, short hair, etc, but my mannerisms were apparently femme enough that some people genuinely thought I was a girl. Funny how things turned out XP

This happened to me as a kid too. I had kind of long hair though, but it's not like I dressed girly.

 

I did look rather androgynous as a kid, and in some photos actually looked like a girl though.

 

I got made fun of a lot for this when I was little.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
no-longer-in-use
4 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

This happened to me as a kid too. I had kind of long hair though, but it's not like I dressed girly.

 

I did look rather androgynous as a kid, and in some photos actually looked like a girl though.

 

I got made fun of a lot for this when I was little.

It sucks that you were made fun of. Androgyny is awesome!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening
19 minutes ago, Coddiwomple said:

It sucks that you were made fun of. Androgyny is awesome!

Also, it's super weird when kids get made fun of for being GNC - they are children, it's not like they even have secondary sexual characteristics. So I get super mad when transphobes are against letting trans kids transition because ALL YOU'RE DOING IS DRESSING THEM DIFFERENTLY, CHANGING THEIR HAIRSTYLE AND USING DIFFERENT PRONOUNS.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
no-longer-in-use
2 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Also, it's super weird when kids get made fun of for being GNC - they are children, it's not like they even have secondary sexual characteristics. So I get super mad when transphobes are against letting trans kids transition because ALL YOU'RE DOING IS DRESSING THEM DIFFERENTLY, CHANGING THEIR HAIRSTYLE AND USING DIFFERENT PRONOUNS.

Yep...

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

This happened to me as a kid too. I had kind of long hair though, but it's not like I dressed girly.

 

I did look rather androgynous as a kid, and in some photos actually looked like a girl though.

 

I got made fun of a lot for this when I was little.

Everything was perfect... then puberty kicked in the door... ='(

Life is pretty cruel to some people in the weirdest ways... but it's okay.

You can still be you =)

 

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
28 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Also, it's super weird when kids get made fun of for being GNC - they are children, it's not like they even have secondary sexual characteristics. So I get super mad when transphobes are against letting trans kids transition because ALL YOU'RE DOING IS DRESSING THEM DIFFERENTLY, CHANGING THEIR HAIRSTYLE AND USING DIFFERENT PRONOUNS.

So long as it's the kids choice it shouldn't matter... some different clothes isn't going to change who they are...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Planning on coming out to a few friends individually over the next week or so, trying to work my way up to bigger friendship groups and then family members. I'm worried about their reactions but mainly that I might be wrong or change my mind later and have to take it all back, since I'm still not 100% sure (more 85% or so). That said, it's difficult for me to tell how much of that uncertainty is just my anxiety and self esteem issues. The only thing I can think of to reduce those is talking about it in counselling and experimenting with my name and pronouns to see how it feels, but the latter isn't possible without telling more people. Gonna have to force myself to go for it though because people not knowing is starting to bother me too much.

 

Also it turns out my gender clinic referral was sent but never received so now I'm having to communicate back and forth between the clinic and the people who referred me to find out what's going on because they won't talk to each other directly. One of them is almost impossible to get through to unless you ring as soon as they open or stay on hold for up to an hour while the other keeps getting my personal details wrong when searching for me in the system, even after I've told them several times in the same phone call, so this has been rather stressful so far. Hopefully will be resolved soon :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
26 minutes ago, Zsareph said:

Planning on coming out to a few friends individually over the next week or so, trying to work my way up to bigger friendship groups and then family members. I'm worried about their reactions but mainly that I might be wrong or change my mind later and have to take it all back, since I'm still not 100% sure (more 85% or so). That said, it's difficult for me to tell how much of that uncertainty is just my anxiety and self esteem issues. The only thing I can think of to reduce those is talking about it in counselling and experimenting with my name and pronouns to see how it feels, but the latter isn't possible without telling more people. Gonna have to force myself to go for it though because people not knowing is starting to bother me too much.

 

Also it turns out my gender clinic referral was sent but never received so now I'm having to communicate back and forth between the clinic and the people who referred me to find out what's going on because they won't talk to each other directly. One of them is almost impossible to get through to unless you ring as soon as they open or stay on hold for up to an hour while the other keeps getting my personal details wrong when searching for me in the system, even after I've told them several times in the same phone call, so this has been rather stressful so far. Hopefully will be resolved soon :(

Good luck!
I hope everything turns out okay!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
On 1/19/2019 at 1:11 PM, Celyn said:

Few thoughts eating at me...

 

Why is one of the most common things transphobic parents say to their trans kids to discourage them from transitioning is: "Don't make horrible permanent changes to your body!!!" As if puberty #1 hadn't done that already. 

 

I'm pretty sure I've got my gender on here right, which feels awesome. Just...I wish it wasn't such a long label, and I wish it was static. Idk I guess I've just internalized that "All these wacky fluid nonbinary genders are ridiculous" bullshit spouted by...Well, a lot of people. *Sigh* Someone say I'm valid please???

 

Lastly, I've been thinking about top surgery. I've always wanted it since the chesticles appeared and I always will, but sometimes when I'm watching something with a trans guy showing his post-op chest...some of them look great but some have disproportionately big nipples??? They seemed ok with it but I wouldn't be. Can you get them reduced when they do the nipple grafts or are you stuck with whatever the cursed oestrogen gave you? Does it cost extra moneys? If the only other option was big nips that scream LOOKY HERE through a t-shirt, I'd go the smooth robot chest look.

My mom is always trying to get me to take less T.  I don't gain a single thing out of taking less.  I accepted that I was going to have acne, and my voice was going to be deeper.  But I just found this article that was shared to a group, it said that there are no negative effects on trans men who take T long term.  The study was done on guys who have been on T for at least 10 years.  They're proven to be happier with themselves, a lot healthier, etc.

 

Peri-aereolar (shorted to peri) makes the nipples smaller, since it's the donut shape.  I saw one YouTuber who still looked like his nipples were big, but not overly big.  From my understanding, keyhole is what is often used in a reduction, which is why the surgery is less drastic and takes less time to heal.  Then there's also a surgery for actually making nipples smaller.

 

On 1/20/2019 at 3:43 PM, StomachGod said:

It's funny what difference a bit of clothing can make right?
Funnily enough, when I was a kid people used to... correctly identify me I guess... I was always dressed as a boy, short hair, etc, but my mannerisms were apparently femme enough that some people genuinely thought I was a girl. Funny how things turned out XP

I think it was 4th grade when I was riding a cart at Target when I had something like this happen.  I was wearing these boy cargo shorts that my dad bought for me.  So behind me I heard "sir, don't do that."  I turned my head after a few seconds and realized that he was referring to me.  I told my mom about it and she said that I actually liked it but I denied it.  That might be the first time I was gendered male, even though my hair was too long (shoulder length) to be male.  Too bad the shorts don't fit me anymore.  I also bled on them with my dysphoria at least once.

 

4 hours ago, Zsareph said:

Also it turns out my gender clinic referral was sent but never received so now I'm having to communicate back and forth between the clinic and the people who referred me to find out what's going on because they won't talk to each other directly. One of them is almost impossible to get through to unless you ring as soon as they open or stay on hold for up to an hour while the other keeps getting my personal details wrong when searching for me in the system, even after I've told them several times in the same phone call, so this has been rather stressful so far. Hopefully will be resolved soon :(

I just had that happen.  My top surgery was scheduled for February 12th but my insurance changed this year so I was frantically trying to get re-authorized.  I had a talk with the surgeon's insurance personnel on Friday and I was to send pics of the new card.  Apparently she never received it so I had to resend it today.  I couldn't confirm my pre-op appointment Wednesday if I didn't know whether the surgery was happening.  So I just decided to postpone my surgery and let some other patient on the waitlist be happy.  Maybe I can get a December date like I originally planned.

 

4 hours ago, ColeHW said:

@Zsareph Break a leg not literally.

Already did.  I'll be 11 months post op on that soon.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I just had that happen.  My top surgery was scheduled for February 12th but my insurance changed this year so I was frantically trying to get re-authorized.  I had a talk with the surgeon's insurance personnel on Friday and I was to send pics of the new card.  Apparently she never received it so I had to resend it today.  I couldn't confirm my pre-op appointment Wednesday if I didn't know whether the surgery was happening.  So I just decided to postpone my surgery and let some other patient on the waitlist be happy.  Maybe I can get a December date like I originally planned.

Sorry to hear that 😕 it's annoying when you think you're finally finished with something, only to find out that there's been some kind of mistake or problem that means you have to go back and sort it all out again. What annoys me about my refferal is, if I hadn't called the clinic to check up on it, I'm not sure anyone would have actually noticed or told me that there was an issue.

 

@ColeHW @StomachGod Thank you :) Turns out my refferal was accidentally sent to a different clinic in the same city that deals with under 18s, so it's been resent to the right place now. Also I managed to come out to one of my friends yesterday and it went very well. I was really anxious about it but I'm glad I did it. I'm seeing another friend on Thursday so hopefully that's given me the confidence to try saying something to her too.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

(WARNING: Rant)
Ugh, parents...
It's like they think if they put emphasis on male terms every time they use them in reference to me it's gona magically cure my dysphoria or something...
Are neutral terms really that hard to manage? >.>
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised since they refused to talk to our GP about this stuff, he wanted to have small talk but they didn't want to go listen...
I guess I should be thankful for the small things...
Like my mother isn't acephobic... despite how disappointed she is in me for not providing grand-kids... >.>

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
On 1/22/2019 at 2:56 AM, Zsareph said:

Sorry to hear that 😕 it's annoying when you think you're finally finished with something, only to find out that there's been some kind of mistake or problem that means you have to go back and sort it all out again. What annoys me about my refferal is, if I hadn't called the clinic to check up on it, I'm not sure anyone would have actually noticed or told me that there was an issue.

 

@ColeHW @StomachGod Thank you :) Turns out my refferal was accidentally sent to a different clinic in the same city that deals with under 18s, so it's been resent to the right place now. Also I managed to come out to one of my friends yesterday and it went very well. I was really anxious about it but I'm glad I did it. I'm seeing another friend on Thursday so hopefully that's given me the confidence to try saying something to her too.

Yeah, I don't want to rush it too much. It would put a huge strain on my bank account right now too anyway. With less working hours, I'm probably lucky right now if I can net $100 right now after expenses. My credit card bill was probably the highest it's been after the holidays. Then I just shelled out a couple hundred cash for martial arts stuff, which isn't included in my current expenses. 

 

I just finished a checkup for my T and I have too many red blood cells so I'm going to have to lower my dose a little. I asked for name change resources and I ended up filling out a card with relevant info so I guess I'm going to do a name change first before surgery. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

So you meet a nice cis person at the transcafe whom was very friendly and understanding. Curious ect.. 

 

You exchange numbers... 

 

2 months later, you get called for research questions... 

 

😑

Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777

The other day I was at the informed consent clinic because of the mess with my insurance.  The main medical assistant was often busy so I'd wait on the couches.  This time she was working with some much older trans woman who had been self-medicating with black market meds.  I noticed that she was always trying to tuck or cover her parts.  I guess her shirt was just not long enough.  I decided to be friendly and say hi to her.  She asked if I was "female-to-male" and it took me a moment to register that in my head because I don't usually hear that anymore.  I'm guessing that she's from the older generation that hasn't heard of non-binary genders so I just said yes.  I am amazed at myself that female-to-male is now such an old term to me.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi all it's been awhile since I've been in this thread. I decided to take a break, because I was just getting more and more confused and upset about my gender. And Guess what, almost a year later (possibly more) I still am :P. I'm female, I like being called sir and I like he/him pronouns, except for  the fact that when people use she/her pronouns irl it doesn't really bug me that much it just feels really unsettling. I still don't like my boobs, because they get in the way. And I still don't like my uterus because it hates me. I only feel like myself if my hair is cut in a mans style and I am wearing men's clothing. I donated all my skirts and dresses by now and I love plaid. I have also realized in my time away that I really love women, like quite possibly more than I like men. So I have to ask myself now if its possible that I am just a very stereotypical butch lesbian (The Plaid Guys, It's Plaid). So I still have no idea who I am or what my gender identity is if anything, but I snogged a woman twice and I found that I love plaid. So there you go. 

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
1 hour ago, Evren said:

Hi all it's been awhile since I've been in this thread. I decided to take a break, because I was just getting more and more confused and upset about my gender. And Guess what, almost a year later (possibly more) I still am :P. I'm female, I like being called sir and I like he/him pronouns, except for  the fact that when people use she/her pronouns irl it doesn't really bug me that much it just feels really unsettling. I still don't like my boobs, because they get in the way. And I still don't like my uterus because it hates me. I only feel like myself if my hair is cut in a mans style and I am wearing men's clothing. I donated all my skirts and dresses by now and I love plaid. I have also realized in my time away that I really love women, like quite possibly more than I like men. So I have to ask myself now if its possible that I am just a very stereotypical butch lesbian (The Plaid Guys, It's Plaid). So I still have no idea who I am or what my gender identity is if anything, but I snogged a woman twice and I found that I love plaid. So there you go. 

One of my roommates is a non-binary lesbian (with attractions to female and non-binary people).  They don't like having boobs, at least at their large size, and occasionally just wants to not have any at all.  They told me that the only one who should know about their boobs is the person they have sex with.  Other than that, they shouldn't be there.  So you don't have to be a binary cis person.  You could just say you're not binary and see where that takes you.  I've heard of many non-binary people who end up enjoying things commonly done by people of their AGAB.  I play with fans and like sewing.  I once saw a post of an AFAB person who wanted to tuck their packer.  Sometimes gender doesn't make sense at all.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...