Trans Musings & Rantings

[Bloc]

5 minutes ago, ElasticPlanet said:

Ah, got it. Sorry I was so slow there!

I just could not resist after realizing the acronym😋

[nerdperson777]

7 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

Same, who really wants to be trans anyway?

Well, I feel like I don't mind that I was born the way I did.  Being trans gives one a perspective that cis people may not be able to see.  Some people refer to their old self as their assigned sex so they're okay with it.  I'm still not sure myself if I want to or not.  I'm probably fine with how I am since I don't care much about the genitals.  All I needed is some T and social transition.

[Guest]

Got my hormones today. Thought that I might be happy with this, but I'm not. I just feel so angry and upset lately... And to top it off? They put the perscription in my BIRTH NAME, not my PREFERRED NAME! F*$K!! 😡

 

I'm supposed to go for surgery in the next few months, but now I'm being bombarded by self-doubts. 

 

Not trying to scare anyone else here. I'm just a very insecure person... But no matter the doubts, I'm still not cisgender. Fear and doubt doesn't change that. I thought that I was heading down the right path, but now I'm not so sure...

 

I'm so unhappy right now... 😭😭😭

[Bloc]

4 hours ago, Reindeer Dani said:

 

Not trying to scare anyone else here. I'm just a very insecure person... But no matter the doubts, I'm still not cisgender. Fear and doubt doesn't change that. I thought that I was heading down the right path, but now I'm not so sure...

  

I'm so unhappy right now... 😭😭😭

Sorry to hear you are unhappy now.

If you want: a virtual hug for you

[no-longer-in-use]

@Reindeer Dani *hug*

[Ms. Carolynne]

@Reindeer Dani *hugs* hopefully it will work out eventually.

 

Sucks that it's in your birth name. Didn't you legally change your name?

[Kimmie.]

@Reindeer Dani *hugs*

[Anthracite_Impreza]

@Reindeer Dani Deep breaths, bathroom break, walk out of there like a boss.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Could I be bigender (agender and male)? Is that why I keep changing my mind whether I'm transmasc or not? It may be a complete coincidence but my main OC is bigender (agender and male, oddly enough) and I never knew why, he just "felt" like he was... Being called a guy yesterday was weird, today it works. Hmm...

[Bloc]

43 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Could I be bigender (agender and male)? Is that why I keep changing my mind whether I'm transmasc or not? It may be a complete coincidence but my main OC is bigender (agender and male, oddly enough) and I never knew why, he just "felt" like he was... Being called a guy yesterday was weird, today it works. Hmm...

Maybe. For me it is changing from agender to questioning if I am trans femme in denial. I haven been called a woman, just once an honorary woman, when I still wasn't really aware of me being non-binary, which did not felt wrong at all. Before that I was addressed once with female title in a phone conference, which I only corrected because I felt I had to because of society's expectations.

[nerdperson777]

15 hours ago, Reindeer Dani said:

Got my hormones today. Thought that I might be happy with this, but I'm not. I just feel so angry and upset lately... And to top it off? They put the perscription in my BIRTH NAME, not my PREFERRED NAME! F*$K!! 😡

 

I'm supposed to go for surgery in the next few months, but now I'm being bombarded by self-doubts. 

 

Not trying to scare anyone else here. I'm just a very insecure person... But no matter the doubts, I'm still not cisgender. Fear and doubt doesn't change that. I thought that I was heading down the right path, but now I'm not so sure...

 

I'm so unhappy right now... 😭😭😭

I don't think they can ever put the prescription under your preferred name for legal and organization reasons, unless it actually is your legal name.  It can be cringey seeing one's own birth name on these things, but I'm not sure what one can do without legally changing it.  It's always to try and back out.  Insecurity is definitely around.

 

39 minutes ago, Bloc said:

Maybe. For me it is changing from agender to questioning if I am trans femme in denial. I haven been called a woman, just once an honorary woman, when I still wasn't really aware of me being non-binary, which did not felt wrong at all. Before that I was addressed once with female title in a phone conference, which I only corrected because I felt I had to because of society's expectations.

You wouldn't be the first one to do that.  There have been two people here who I know have gone from agender to trans girl.  You're not alone here.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

5 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Could I be bigender (agender and male)? Is that why I keep changing my mind whether I'm transmasc or not?

Pretty much my reasoning behind identifying as bigender. It works for me. Helps me feel like I'm not just "confused".

[Guest]

@nerdperson777 I DID change it legally. Went through the whole process and everything. And it was the specialist's office that did this. 😤

 

@Bloc @Coddiwomple @Ms. Carolynne @Kimmie. Aw, thanks. 😊

[PixleyDust✨]

On 11/28/2018 at 4:26 PM, Coddiwomple said:

Thank you so much, that made me feel infinitely better ❤️ 

 

Yep, that's exactly it.

 

Yeah, I feel that. Can I ask (since I see that you also identify as genderfluid) what genders you flow between? I'm just curious, no pressure to answer if you don't want to.

Sorry, I’ve been away from AVEN for centuries it feels like. 

 

But of course! Happy to answer. 😉✨

 

It’s a bit wonky, but genderfluidity for me in its most simple classification is a flow between demigirl, non-binary and demiboy. And even then, sometimes I even get caught in the grey areas of those grey areas. 

 

Like, if you saw it as a horizontal spectrum with a sliding guide, sometimes tomboy (demigirl) feels right, sometimes just being a “me” (non-binary) feels right, and sometimes being a femme male feels right (demiboy). 

 

And that sliding guide doesn’t just only stop at those three points. Sometimes it can land the area between demigirl and non-binary, or non-binary and demiboy too. 

 

(I want to include a handy sketch, but I have to go to bed. YIKES IT’S LATE. Watch out for that edit). 😊✨

 

Right now, I’m actually debating on the existence of the demigirl in my personal spectrum, like do I like the idea of being a tomboy because I can break away from norms and just be a “girl my own way”, or just the general idea of breaking away from gender PERIOD and enjoying the freedom to be myself? 

 

Like how much of me is truly “tomboy” and just me wanting to be myself? 

 

It’s just as well. I’ve been oscillating between my non-binary and demiboy phases more frequently these days anyways. Like my tomboy side is just something I think about being rather than actually express lately, so that doesn’t help. 

 

But anyways, that’s my fluidity in a nutshell at the moment. 

 

I like identifying as demiboy, not because I’m one all the time, but because identifying as genderfluid while AFAB, I kind of feel people just think of me or would see me as “basically a girl” which is lame to say the least. 

 

But then I get paranoid when people see demiboy that they only see BOY and think of me as that all the time, so that’s why I still include genderfluid. I don’t like being restricted to a binary either way. 

 

Demiboy, Non-Binary, Genderfluid, would all be accurate terms. Demigirl feels a bit like a technicality at this point, but like I said, I’m still working that out. 

 

Hope that satisfied your curiosity. 😊💕

 

EDIT: Okay, managed to make that handy-dandy sketch. So, I have the three main points I filter through, then the inbetween points I can find myself in (marked in blue), and the current states I find myself fluctuating between right now (red bracket). 

 

 

I don’t seem to ever fully hit demigirl as of late. Any hint of “girl” is just that, a hint, which I interpret as being situated between that full, demigirl state and my full non-binary state. But more often than not, I find myself in my nb state, my demiboy state, or somewhere between the two where it’s me, but with a “hint” of male. 

 

In fact, that’s like the best way to put my inbetween states: It’s either “Me” with a hint of female, or “Me” with a hint of male. 

[nerdperson777]

It is 5 in the morning but I just realized something.  So I had top surgery scheduled a few months back for the upcoming February.  But, I just remembered that my mom is switching insurance at the end of the year because her company got bought out by a bigger one.  I'm going to have to call in the morning how this is going to affect things.  But the good news is that I was looking at the surgeon's website and it says that the new insurance is on the list of those who have decent approval rates.  Then again, so is my current one and that was a total flop.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

2 hours ago, Pixley said:

identifying as genderfluid while AFAB, I kind of feel people just think of me or would see me as “basically a girl” which is lame to say the least. 

 

But then I get paranoid when people see demiboy that they only see BOY and think of me as that all the time, so that’s why I still include genderfluid.

Big same. Also, glad you're back, I missed you!

[Ms. Carolynne]

@Pixley Why is it that every time I think about how I haven't seen you on AVEN in a while, you show up?

 

Do you have AVEN senses?

[no-longer-in-use]

@Pixley Thanks for sharing, and it's nice to see you back. Also, I feel this:

 

4 hours ago, Pixley said:

I like identifying as demiboy, not because I’m one all the time, but because identifying as genderfluid while AFAB, I kind of feel people just think of me or would see me as “basically a girl” which is lame to say the least. 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

I was just thinking how happy I am that that Hottest 100 voting form had an NB option. It seems so petty and pathetic but it's made a big difference to my mental health. People in the queer community can tell me that's valid all they want, but it's easy to still feel broken when the rest of the world is binary. But seeing that my gender is recognised by a big mainstream radio station...I feel real, and human.

[no-longer-in-use]

17 minutes ago, Celyn said:

I was just thinking how happy I am that that Hottest 100 voting form had an NB option. It seems so petty and pathetic but it's made a big difference to my mental health. People in the queer community can tell me that's valid all they want, but it's easy to still feel broken when the rest of the world is binary. But seeing that my gender is recognised by a big mainstream radio station...I feel real, and human.

It's not pathetic. I totally understand where you're coming from, it's great to see more nonbinary awareness out there.

[no-longer-in-use]

This song is a great piece about being nonbinary, and it's by one of my favorite artists too. (There's some cursing in it, so beware.)

[Celyn: The Lutening]

3 minutes ago, Coddiwomple said:

This song is a great piece about being nonbinary, and it's by one of my favorite artists too. (There's some cursing in it, so beware.)

Not my genre musically but the lyrics are great

[nerdperson777]

12 hours ago, Celyn said:

I was just thinking how happy I am that that Hottest 100 voting form had an NB option. It seems so petty and pathetic but it's made a big difference to my mental health. People in the queer community can tell me that's valid all they want, but it's easy to still feel broken when the rest of the world is binary. But seeing that my gender is recognised by a big mainstream radio station...I feel real, and human.

Once I was taking some odd survey for a school research thing.  So there was a link that took the test subject to some charts that described some qualities of school position candidates like education level, position, and major.  What made me feel good that the chart entry for gender actually showed some non-binary candidates.  I may or may not have voted for people mostly because they were non-binary..

[PixleyDust✨]

19 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

@Pixley Why is it that every time I think about how I haven't seen you on AVEN in a while, you show up?

 

Do you have AVEN senses?

I’ll never tell.

 

A magician never reveals his secrets. 🤫✨

[PixleyDust✨]

15 hours ago, Celyn said:

Not my genre musically but the lyrics are great

Agreed, that was DOPE. I’m swooning. ✨🤩😍✨

[Destan]

.

[nerdperson777]

@Destan I know so much about those Asian bowl cuts, since I had one for 19 years!  When I cut my hair, my parents freaked out that I would stand out more and people would ask THEM questions that they weren't prepared to answer.  But really, I look like any ordinary boy now.  I blend in so well.  It's only to them that they know I'm AFAB that I stand out to them.  But really, no one cares.  I look "normal" now.  At some point I decided to just take the clippers in the house and just do it myself.  For the next week or so later, mom will constantly ask me if I cut my hair again, as in a little more the next day.  I have to shout NO that I haven't done anything more.  Then I get unsolicited comments from both parents, so I get double from mom.  They say that my haircut is ugly and unprofessional.  Just because my hair wasn't cut by someone with a license, it doesn't meet their expectations.  There is no pleasing them really.  I get a professional cut, they freak out because the hair is "too short" (for a girl).  When I do it myself, it's too ugly and I should get someone to do it for me who has credentials.  I know the only thing that would satisfy them is to get their bowl cut daughter back.  Then dad only started trying to cut his own hair with clippers after I did it, after they berated me for having hair that had imperfections because it wasn't done professionally.  I stopped caring if the way I cut my hair looked bad.  My parents were going to say something bad about it anyway.

 

My area is very Asian populated so I shouldn't have a problem finding a hairdresser but I don't really care at this point.

[Kimmie.]

I should not have read the comments on that twitter post....god that makes me hate myself even more.

[Tomrith]

10 hours ago, Kimmie. said:

I should not have read the comments on that twitter post....god that makes me hate myself even more.

Please don’t! U are amazing. Rather you should pity them. They are the ones who need to pick on a girl in order to feel better about themselves.

 

You simply don’t define your existence through the the anguish of others

[Kimmie.]

9 minutes ago, Tomrith said:

Please don’t! U are amazing. Rather you should pity them. They are the ones who need to pick on a girl in order to feel better about themselves.

 

You simply don’t define your existence through the the anguish of others

Thank you. It was about a magazine for lesbian and bi women will start to inclued transwomen and then shit hit the fan.