ChillaKilla

Trans Musings & Rantings

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Pixley
4 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Kinda same.  Except I have a strong desire to go back in time, crawl into bed with myself and shush myself while I was crying due to dysphoria t the onset of puberty.  I've had a lot of those kind's of fantasies.  I often have them when I am helping lil' baby trans find themselves. 

 

I often have the nagging thought in the back of my mind while helping these children,

 

"Where was Taylor when I needed her?  Why was there no Taylor for me? "

 

And I feel ashamed of myself for the thought =/.  These kids come to me for help, I've had PM after PM after IM on another forum because somehow the word was spread that mommy Taylor will help, and what do I do?  Think of myself.  I felt so selfish thinking of myself while these children were struggling.

Don’t though, because it’s not selfish.

 

That’s why growing up, I was determined to stick up for people that seemed like they were getting pushed around because I always wanted someone to do that for me.

 

Same with anyone I come across on here, or anywhere else hating on themselves for not being “normal”, for actually just being asexual because I wish someone had done that for me. To educate me, to support me, to reassure me that I am not broken, immature, or selfish/superficial for not reciprocating feelings or not wanting things everyone else seemed to want.

 

And same with anyone struggling to understand their gender because they’re also struggling with emotional baggage that’s preventing them from seeing things more clearly because maybe if I had someone to talk to about these things, I might have been able to prevent a lot of the hangups that prevent me from seeing things clearly. Plus talking stuff out with someone who gets it, makes it so much easier to analyze your situation because it’s not swirling around in your brain and snowballing. Like how things can seem bigger in your head, but once you hear them out loud, the answer seems much more obvious.

 

You’re doing good things because of this longing, but yeah I get it. It’s okay to be down because you desperately wish you had the support you’re trying to provide, or the access to the kind of role models you’re trying to be to the people who need it.

 

It’s not something we can never correct, or ever make right, so it’s totally understandable for it to eat at us sometimes. All we can do is try to make sure no one has to go without like we did, not if we can help it. 😊

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Phoenix the II

Being trans is both, yet easy, and hard.

 

It's easy because you can be 100% yourself now, not having to hide.

 

It's hard because, having to go through sooo many things to be gendered correctly on first sight. 😐 I'm definitely still not there. And I was I just born right... Sigh. I fear the pain of surgery(ies) to come. And to resocialize... 

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Anthracite_Impreza

I wasn't sure whether this would fit better in T&S or here but since it was caused by gender issues... CW for phobias, medical shit, gratuitous f-bombs and because I'm self-conscious about it.

Spoiler

 

So last night I had a dream I deliberately sabotaged my own top surgery because I didn't want any needles. As you mostly know I started the gender ball rolling in RL a few weeks ago and they've asked for a blood sample before I do anything else and I'm too fucking scared. I've had two blood tests in my life, one to test why I was feeling shit all the time, the other because I was literally going to die of a blood clot if I didn't. I thought, "Hah, I'm a BAMF now, I can have as many as needed now I've been through all this shit".

 

Wrong. The stress of the last time has made it even worse. I've been shaking all day and almost threw up this morning; I had to tell myself it's not going to happen just to make it stop. My friends support me and will go with me, but none of them have phobias this bad so they don't get why I can't just book the appointment and get it over with. I couldn't stand on my own for two hours after the first time. My whole life I've got "aftershocks", where I'll have panic attacks hours, days, even weeks later, from even the little jabs we had at school. I'm shaking just writing this, it's fucking awful. And don't even get me started on canulas; I've had one once and the only reason I didn't die of shock was because I'd otherwise die of a bilateral pulmonary embolism. They're the worst, because they stay there. I can see it and I can feel it and panic about it getting stuck or snagged or breaking.

 

All this shit comes with surgery; it won't just be this once, it'll be many times, over several years. I want chest surgery but I'm so fucking mortified I don't think I can keep pushing myself. I never want to go near one again, especially for something that's not strictly life-threatening. I don't know why I even thought I could, I got carried away in the moment I suppose. It sounds so pathetic but it literally takes over. I try to ring the doctor, "Don't you dare touch that phone". I try to go in person, "You are not opening that car door". I try to ask my friends to do it for me, "Oops, ability to communicate has been switched off". I'm literally losing the ability to hold my arms up to type this because my adrenaline levels have been so high all day. My arm, the spot where I had the jab that I suspect caused the phobia in the first place is actually hurting; it does that if I think about these things or anyone gets too close and it's entirely psychological. It's sheer, fucking madness and I don't know what to do ("You can forget it all, you have a binder now. No need to go near those things ever again", "Ok, ok, I won't. Just stop now, please. Forget I ever said anything").

 

And before anyone says therapy, you can't just be stabbed until you get over your fear. They are legitimately dangerous things and there's no way you can actually interact with them in the same way you can a dog, or a spider, in exposure therapy. Telling myself they're for a good cause doesn't help either. Phobias completely bypass the logic centre straight to the "Shit, immediate danger!" centre.

 

I feel sick, faint and shaky now. I may not be able to reply to anyone on this immediately.

 

 

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Neutral nerd

Spoilered bc it's a bit long

Spoiler
 

@Anthracite_Impreza there's other kinds of therapy besides exposure, maybe just talking to someone who knows what to advise would help you decide how to go about this? And maybe try focusing on breathing if you're too stressed right now. I've definitely had plenty of experience with the voice of doubt and find that to be very helpful in the moment. And needles... o gog, I have no idea. I'm terrified of them but that doesn't impact me expect for when they're used on me. Although my (very limited) experience with surgery only had the IV put in after I was half unconscious. 

When first questioning the idea of surgery, other people seeing me to perform the surgery was also a fear. I was able to compare that irrational fear vs staying as I am, and for me I don't think too much about the specifics after deciding. 

I don't know how much this will help, but either way I hope you can figure out what you want and discuss it with someone who understands. Good luck, here's  🍀 and 🎂 

 

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Taylor Lilith
6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

It sounds so pathetic

No it doesn't. It really doesn't. I've lived almost all my life a prisoner of the number 5. Imprisoned to the point of absurdity. I've thrown out perfectly good food because it was more than 5 items or didn't eat any of them because there weren't 5 of these. 

 

TW/TMI OCD alert

Spoiler

I'm still on this earth because the number of the mounded pills in my hand wasn't a multiple of 5. There have been times where I would do anything to stop the counting. Including cutting off body parts. I'm a trans woman. I have 5 parts hanging off of me. It was hard to not go through with it. 

 

Then you get into conversations with other people that have numerical compulsions that go like,

 

me: You say you like 3 and you like 7?  You in a good place to explain why you feel that way. 

3 person: gives almost the exact reasoning I give for 5

7 person: gives almost the exact reason the person gave for 3

me: I see where y'all are going but you are clearly wrong. It's actually 5. 

 

The only reason you think it's pathetic is because someone told you it was. It isn't pathetic. You're brain just works differently. People I've met with anxiety disorders are usually the best at handling stress because they deal with it so often. 

 

@Pixley thank you. What you described is how I usually view it. I am however the kind of person who feels before she thinks rather than thinks before she feels. It's something I have to work around. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

@Neutral nerd @Taylor Lilith Thank you both for your replies; I'm sorry for the shit you're both going through too. I need to get in contact with the clinic and let them know I'm not stalling because I've changed my mind, just that I have this issue. While a lot of people are and have been supportive, there's always this air of "aww, poor baby" or "everyone else manages it without this fuss" about it. It's really not funny, I wish people would realise that.

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Taylor Lilith
6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

@Neutral nerd @Taylor Lilith Thank you both for your replies; I'm sorry for the shit you're both going through too. I need to get in contact with the clinic and let them know I'm not stalling because I've changed my mind, just that I have this issue. While a lot of people are and have been supportive, there's always this air of "aww, poor baby" or "everyone else manages it without this fuss" about it. It's really not funny, I wish people would realise that.

You're welcome ^_^.  But yeah, I've seen bunches and bunches of tests of "How OCD are you?" of which I often have problems with where I sometimes snap and comment talking about washing your hands for exactly 20 seconds under boiling hot water, counting the number of times you counted to 5 perfectly, throwing away food and going hungry because one of the purple goldfish's face's was facing left, or throwing away cookies even if all the M&Ms were the same color because one "m" was facing up.  I've literally gone hungry because of OCD even tho every fiber of my being was screaming for nutrition, I couldn't, it wasn't right or the general ;thought that I was going straight to hell for not making my bed absolutlely perfect.  When I bring this stuff up it gets laugh reacts, when I bring this up in person people will either laugh to try and break how f**ked that sounds or just laugh because what I just described was ridiculously, over-the-top absurd to most people and they find it hysterical.  I've even had people mess things up of mine and laugh as I struggled to fix it and not have a panic attack in public because it's funny? 

 

What it boils down to is, I won't do that to another person.  It's wrong.  I won't insult you because you struggle with something that most people don't struggle with.  It's not funny and you can't fix it by laughing at people and telling they are wrong for being stressed or you know what I'm often told ... I just need to stop taking my medications and all my exposure therapy and go for a run every morning.  How can I not understand that big pharma is just trying to keep me controlled and tell me lies to keep me addicted to their system?  All you gotta do is run ... ( <- that'd be sarcasm ).

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