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This happened today:

 

Some guy: Excuse me, miss, are you interested in buying a Bible?

Me: *looks around in confusion wondering who he might be talking to, even though it's just the  two of us*

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11 minutes ago, Rynar said:

If I could choose between being a guy or a girl, then being a guy without the genitals would be awesome.

Yes I agree genitals are weird.

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On 13.12.2017 at 12:15 AM, Dan99 said:

I guess because they believe that people can "choose" to be gay

I also met the opinion that you choose to be gay. In meatspace. I was like... whaaaat? 

 

Hey. Draco. Does anyone seriously call you a doll? That's ... my God... I imagine quite many cis women would be offended as well. That is offensive. 

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I just remembered that a couple of days ago I had a dream where I was running and this guy was chasing me and he yelled out "Sir!" and I was really baffled as to how he managed to confuse me for a man? After that he started yelling "Miss!" and at that point I got really annoyed with him.

 

I can't even escape being misgendered in my dreams.

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One of the drawbacks of having an absurd amount of body hair is that it takes significantly longer to dry off after a shower. :P It's still easier than dealing with my 3.5ft of head hair I once had, but it's still noticeable.

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nerdperson777
On 12/13/2017 at 9:13 AM, Rynar said:

When my parents complain how much I behave and look like a guy, my mom gets so frustrated to the point saying:

IF YOU LIKE BEING A GUY SO MUCH, THEN GO GET A D*K!

 

Sometimes I wonder why I can't just say: FINE, I'M NOT A GIRL ANYWAY!

Though I feel genderless, I wouldn't mind to live the rest of my life as a guy. 

That would be even greater than living how I currently am.

If I could choose between being a guy or a girl, then being a guy without the genitals would be awesome.

 

Sometimes I wonder when she says that, if she's being serious of "fine, get it and become a guy then!" but guessing from the tone of her voice that she's just threatening me. Considering how many times she says she loves having daughters and is proud of that.

Also agree on the guy without genitals thing.  At some point I forgot to put my STP back in my room and left it in the bathroom so my mom saw it.  One day that became the subject of conversation.  I told her that it was easier and her not being able to think from another's point of view, says that she considers sitting down easier.  I didn't elaborate but I considered it easier in that I don't want to expose my butt to the cold during the winter.  The next part of the conversation I mentioned that 3 years ago, dad said that I wasn't a boy until I got a penis.  I told mom that I have one now.  She waived off my dad's words as he's crazy.  I took that to mean that even with the genitals, I'm not a boy?  I'll never be a boy to them no matter what?

 

13 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

One of the drawbacks of having an absurd amount of body hair is that it takes significantly longer to dry off after a shower. :P It's still easier than dealing with my 3.5ft of head hair I once had, but it's still noticeable.

Well, you COULD shave it all off, but my guess is that you want to keep it.  You could just say that's where all your hair went and that's your T trade off.

 

8 hours ago, Rynar said:

I'm too guyish to girls and too girly to guys and because the society still thinks guys and girls can't be friends. It doesn't make it any easier to befriend people.

In elementary school, playing with boys and girls was alright but as soon you entered middle school, it was uncommon. Something happened which made me hate guys, so by the time in high school to present I don't interact with guys out of awkwardness and I just don't know to.

with girls, they're less harder to approach with no misunderstandings

It's a weird non-binary feeling, too masculine to be a girl but too feminine to be a guy.  I think my elementary school was still pretty sexist.  The boys rushed to get a rubber ball during break time and the ones with the ball made the rules of the game, which was usually Pogo or 4 Square.  I often didn't get to play just for being a girl.  I would have to hang out with girls or be on the swings instead.  I still had pretty much all female friends until high school.  My guy friend in high school was really feminine and turned out to be bi, mostly gay.  Most of the female friends I had were not really girly.  Even in college, my friends didn't wear overly female gendered clothing.  The girliest one, the cis one, would be the only one to wear skirts or dresses.  We all wore jeans or exercise clothes with t-shirts.

I grew up anxious so I didn't really befriend guys much.  Mom's words of all guys being predators really messed with me.  I didn't like being 14 or 16 years old when that happened.  14 year olds were the ones who went online, asked to meet a guy and get kidnapped by them.  16, there was always the celebration of the sweet 16.  I didn't realize back then it was dysphoria with being a girl.  I imagined a sweet 16 as some birthday girl in a dress with many stereotypical girly presents.  The other thing with staying away from guys was that starting middle school, people start dating.  I rather not had guy friend than people think we were a couple.  I already had enough problems in elementary schools for having a single guy friend.  Even my best friend teased me even after I said we weren't.  Once in PE, he grabbed my hand and swung me around to give me some speed.  Just because he touched my hand, all the classmates had their own ideas.  Seriously, what is wrong with your friend flinging you forward when running laps?

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35 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

I rather not had guy friend than people think we were a couple.  I already had enough problems in elementary schools for having a single guy friend.  Even my best friend teased me even after I said we weren't.  Once in PE, he grabbed my hand and swung me around to give me some speed.  Just because he touched my hand, all the classmates had their own ideas.  Seriously, what is wrong with your friend flinging you forward when running laps?

I hate this. When you do ordinary stuff and people assume. My best friend was a boy and my stupid stupid female teacher always was Smiling and teasing about us dating. I hate her cuz definitely affected our friendship. I used to love just walking home together am talking about stuff but sometimes what she said would put us off and it would just ruin our day. It made me seem as if I was not good enough to be a friend. I hated being redused to that and being pushed away from a friend.

 

Worse when it was his last day in class she had a Memory rock passed around.I wouldn’t touch it so she couldn’t say anything about us. 

 

Then I got in trouble and that felt loads better than being thought to be someone girlfriend. I think he understood too.

 

Hand holding yes! I wish this was more common with friends you know? Apart from the fact that my hand is hyper sweaty. It’s probaly how I could tell if someone is really my friend, they wouldn’t mind the sweat.

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nerdperson777
52 minutes ago, :)(: said:

I hate this. When you do ordinary stuff and people assume. My best friend was a boy and my stupid stupid female teacher always was Smiling and teasing about us dating. I hate her cuz definitely affected our friendship. I used to love just walking home together am talking about stuff but sometimes what she said would put us off and it would just ruin our day. It made me seem as if I was not good enough to be a friend. I hated being redused to that and being pushed away from a friend.

 

Worse when it was his last day in class she had a Memory rock passed around.I wouldn’t touch it so she couldn’t say anything about us. 

 

Then I got in trouble and that felt loads better than being thought to be someone girlfriend. I think he understood too.

 

Hand holding yes! I wish this was more common with friends you know? Apart from the fact that my hand is hyper sweaty. It’s probaly how I could tell if someone is really my friend, they wouldn’t mind the sweat.

My best friend left to a better school district 20 minutes north in 4th grade.  Then my guy friend moved 20 minutes west in 5th grade, after Halloween.  For a while, I wondered why was it my only two friends had moved away?  I also have sweaty hands.  My hands can always make fart sounds because of that.  Some people actually got curious to how I did it.  I think half of it is having sweaty, or at least clammy, hands.

 

30 minutes ago, Rynar said:

Never heard of Pogo or 4Square...

To be honest, I could only play with the boys because we knew each other for years and they never rejected me. I played hide and seek with them a lot. when I moved away and went to a new elementary school, I couldn't just go to the boys because I didn't knew them well and played safe by staying with the girls. Which was a bad idea, they abandoned me after 2 months. I still only have female friends, they aren't super girly either but just identify as girls. 

 

Firstly, nothing is wrong with that.

Secondly I get you,  the only problem I had in elementary school was the teasing from girls sometimes. 

In my opinion, a good friend should know better than to tease you about that.

Your classmates were being ridiculous, when I had P.E. I had to hold hands with a classmate I barely talked to and no one had their own idea's  because the exercise was holding hands with a teammate while hiting the ball with a hockey stick.

I totally I agree with you

They were games played on a grid of four squares, commonly found painted on the concrete.  I started with 4 Square, which was hit the ball into another square and make it so the next bounce was out of that square.  Then the person in that square would be "out".  (Oh look, a queer joke.)  Usually if the bounce is on the line, redo the round.  When someone is out, people advance squares to fill in the one who's out.  So if the one at the final square is never out, they can keep serving the ball.  Pogo is essentially the same except you have to hit it in your own square before in someone else's square.  It's just some ball game on a four square grid.

 

Yeah, my friends can be cis girls but they don't dress like that.  No sexy clothing.  Just casual clothing.

 

Classmates at the younger age can be so immature about it.  But then again, I still would use cooties as an excuse.  :P

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7 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

My best friend left to a better school district 20 minutes north in 4th grade.  Then my guy friend moved 20 minutes west in 5th grade, after Halloween.  For a while, I wondered why was it my only two friends had moved away?  I also have sweaty hands.  My hands can always make fart sounds because of that.  Some people actually got curious to how I did it.  I think half of it is having sweaty, or at least clammy, hands.

 

They were games played on a grid of four squares, commonly found painted on the concrete.  I started with 4 Square, which was hit the ball into another square and make it so the next bounce was out of that square.  Then the person in that square would be "out".  (Oh look, a queer joke.)  Usually if the bounce is on the line, redo the round.  When someone is out, people advance squares to fill in the one who's out.  So if the one at the final square is never out, they can keep serving the ball.  Pogo is essentially the same except you have to hit it in your own square before in someone else's square.  It's just some ball game on a four square grid.

 

Yeah, my friends can be cis girls but they don't dress like that.  No sexy clothing.  Just casual clothing.

 

Classmates at the younger age can be so immature about it.  But then again, I still would use cooties as an excuse.  :P

Anybody remember when the swings would swing in sync, people said the two on the swings we're married? It was weird.

 

Four square was a lot of fun. At least once I threw the ball down as hard as I could and it came right back up to hit me in the face. I was very well acquainted with the school nurse.

 

Elementary school was weird. I was always jealous of the games the boys got to play. I was teased for wanting to be friends with the boys. I mistook it for crushes, I just wanted to be them. One time I got up the guts to join in regardless of the teasing received from both sides. I'd burst into tears for no reason at all too. Everything set me off so nobody took me seriously. I developed a bit early (9) and was teased constantly about having armpit hair. Someone else in my class was teased about her leg hair. Even now when I see armpit hair I feel like it's wrong/gross. I know it isn't, but it's been ingrained in me. Elementary schoolers are mean and really good at excluding others

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nerdperson777
2 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

Anybody remember when the swings would swing in sync, people said the two on the swings we're married? It was weird.

 

Four square was a lot of fun. At least once I threw the ball down as hard as I could and it came right back up to hit me in the face. I was very well acquainted with the school nurse.

 

Elementary school was weird. I was always jealous of the games the boys got to play. I was teased for wanting to be friends with the boys. I mistook it for crushes, I just wanted to be them. One time I got up the guts to join in regardless of the teasing received from both sides. I'd burst into tears for no reason at all too. Everything set me off so nobody took me seriously. I developed a bit early (9) and was teased constantly about having armpit hair. Someone else in my class was teased about her leg hair. Even now when I see armpit hair I feel like it's wrong/gross. I know it isn't, but it's been ingrained in me. Elementary schoolers are mean and really good at excluding others

I don't remember that one.  But I knew I was less afraid of jumping off the swings back then.  Now I'm just nope, not happening.

 

I would never have called mine crushes since I was romance-repulsed.  I didn't even get fixated with any of the guys at my elementary school.  But in middle school, my mom took my daydreaming stare as me liking the guy who happened to be at the end of my stare.  She kept trying to make me admit that I had a crush on him.  She also thought that I could be gay since I didn't seem into guys.  She really has to choose something...

She's not even afraid either.  She just straight up asked me if I was gay.  I said no, but I was afraid of it since I would rather hang with a girl than a guy.  But none of it was a typical romantic/sexual attraction.  *shrugs*

I didn't develop until 12-13 because lowest metabolism ever.  In 7th grade I was in some 8th percentile.  92% of my AFAB peers had developed more than me.  Now I'm seeing that low metabolism at work since my T stays in my body really long.

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5 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

Elementary schoolers are mean and really good at excluding others

In for square I removed all they boys hanged up on me and got me out every time. The soccer boys were nice.

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5 minutes ago, Rynar said:

I came out to my mom, that was one of the terrible decisions I made this year.

Thanks for hurting my feelings ,mom.

Thanks sis' , who is accepting but didn't back me up for this matter.

My mom doesn't believe genderless so fine I'll come out that I want to be a son instead. She didn't talk badly about trans people so it must be safe but no.

She believes that you should be what you're born as, I'm not allowed to remove stuff and a man is only a man if he has genitals. if he doesn't then he isn't a man so we kept on talking about surgery because of that. even talking pills to stop hormones is also not allowed. 

I understand her reasoning for worrying about my physical health but my mental health is also important. I've been arguing afterwards'' fine no surgery but still I don't want to live like this forever. atleast let me be me if you want be to have a happy life'' but no.

My mom said if she ever finds out that I did something to my body, she'll skin me alive.

Thanks mom for making me choose between: change myself to be happy but have to cut you off from my life or be in closet, lie to you and be miserable for rest of my life.

Do you think giving her some science papers to prove your point? Or a books?

 

I’m really sorry... I hope she can see you for you.

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@Rynar Here, there are tons of people who back you up- if I knew you irl I would definitely back you up. also here this article should help with the "doesn't believe genderless" part, at least. https://everydayfeminism.com/2017/09/gender-is-kinda-like-ice-cream/
I wish I could help more

Tortuga

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I have started to feel like crap again about this again. I hate these feelings so much!

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butterflydreams
55 minutes ago, Kimmie. said:

I have started to feel like crap again about this again. I hate these feelings so much!

*hugs* it will pass

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nerdperson777

@Rynar What part about the Chinese can't you do?  You can't read or write it?  I can just suggest this dictionary app that I have on my phone that lets me use my finger to write a word, but if you can't write, I'm not sure how it can help.  I'm not sure if the Chinese language really has words for LGBT+ vocabulary yet.  I looked up transgender on my app and it's a literal translation of "change sex".

 

But I get how you feel.  It's been almost 3 years and I think my parents still hope it's a phase.  I've changed my name and got some hormones.  What's the chance that it's still a phase?  They don't even call me the right name or gender me correctly.  Occasionally mom just avoids pronouns.

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nerdperson777

@Rynar You needed Chinese articles because your mom is Chinese?  (Either way I can't help with that because I didn't like studying it so much that it takes me 5-10 seconds to read a single character, even after studying for 13+ years.)

 

Sounds like the way my mom went about it.  She lets me have men's clothing, underwear, binders, but I think that's all to imply that she doesn't want me doing any medical changes.  Once I explained different types of top surgery and mom with her cis mind decided that keyhole was ugly, since I said nipples can point down.  Of course, if you put your mind in someone else's body literally, you're never going to know why they would like something you don't.  She doesn't understand why hormones, why surgery.  I originally also thought no surgery, but now I kind of want it now.  I haven't been binding much lately so my chest has been more visible.  I was hoping that my layers hid it but I saw something earlier that made it seem more like boobs, despite me being pretty small also.  I'm that size that is enough to have noticeable boobs but can be pecs.  Estrogen says more outward so that makes me feel not so good about it.

When I was originally coming out, I had a wedding to go to in a couple months.  I had agreed to no ties.  Then later I kind of wanted to wear it.  Mine does complain about me looking like a guy, and don't think she'll stop.  Nothing says I'll be anymore than her daughter.  In fact, hormones made my parents treat me more like a girl.  They're too afraid to lose that.  They'll never be used to this.  They're just waiting for miracles now.  I'm not a daughter and I won't be giving you grandchildren, or passing my genes.  I'm on my way to sterilization with the way I'm killing my ovaries.

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It just sucks to be where I'm at. I hate it that I simultaneously want to transition and not do it, and that constant hesitation, inability to go either way, that eats on my brain. And for FtM you can't go just half way. Either you take T or not. Or this is how it looks for me. 

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The-world-is-quiet-here

Tw dysphoria/chest:

My brain, right before I’m going to sleep: i wish someone would hug my chest!!

me: yeah, okay

My brain: .....and also cut it off

me: ???????

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nerdperson777
9 hours ago, Emery. said:

It just sucks to be where I'm at. I hate it that I simultaneously want to transition and not do it, and that constant hesitation, inability to go either way, that eats on my brain. And for FtM you can't go just half way. Either you take T or not. Or this is how it looks for me. 

I had that too, but I am going halfway.  Don't let peer pressure decide for you.  I might be transitioning with T, but as a non-binary friend has done, I still retain some of the femininity.  I've heard that non-binary people sometimes even become more feminine on T, because a majority of their dysphoria has disappeared.  I'm still taking a dosage, but it's small.  Part of it is because the T isn't leaving my body as quickly as others but I would've been fine with even less masculinization.

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1 minute ago, nerdperson777 said:

I had that too, but I am going halfway.  Don't let peer pressure decide for you.  I might be transitioning with T, but as a non-binary friend has done, I still retain some of the femininity.  I've heard that non-binary people sometimes even become more feminine on T, because a majority of their dysphoria has disappeared.  I'm still taking a dosage, but it's small.  Part of it is because the T isn't leaving my body as quickly as others but I would've been fine with even less masculinization.

As a transfeminine, but still seen as male, person trapped in a female body, This sounds right. I mean, my plan is to get on T so that I can feel comfortable wearing all the feminine tops and skirts I want.

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So this isn't the end of the story. It turns out.

 

But what is next? I have no freaking idea :S 

 

I had a vivid dream again. I was in a town that was like a labirynth and it was old, like, medieval, and it was like 2am so even some lights weren't working. It was creepy, there were some suspicious people... I got there, I think, trying to get to a shop from my flat that in reality I still haven't moved into. It was light when I left the flat. Then I went into a shop or something, then went through a series of different shops/rooms, only to go out through a door that led to a street in the middle of the day full of people and there were taxis and I wanted to take one to get to college.

 

I see how I'm changing all the time, becoming. How things I was so all about a month ago or more become normal and everyday, and how it integrates further and further parts of my soul back. 

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