Trans Musings & Rantings

[nerdperson777]

1 hour ago, :)(: said:

when people mistake me for a boy or if was to be mistaken as a boy it would makes me happy in a way ? I defiantly would not like to become a boy but I feel like it will fit my personality better.

 

i kinda feel like it’s just the fact that I really wish I was looked at like my male friends. 

 

Like even now teaches are like I need some strong GUYS to help me do XYZ. And if a girl jumps up and does it people want to clap and stuff? Ins not seen as normal just to want to help out you are a hero for doing so.

 

Ah sorry I relayed it doesn’t really relate to what you are saying but this is what I thought about. .

Don't worry.  I had those thoughts before I knew about being trans.  Being called a boy made me kind of happy, but I never admitted it to my mom.  When hanging out with male dominated groups, although it's nice to get out of the physical effort things, I did not like the sexist aspects that looked down upon girls.  My dad does this especially.  Once he said a neighbor's son was working as an ice cream scooper for a few years and finally quit, so the place is looking for a replacement.  I joked that I wouldn't have the arm strength to do it.  Dad took it seriously and said "oh, no you can't do it.  Girls don't have the strength to do it."  This was in the last couple years when I didn't identify as a girl so I took it as him not respecting my gender.  When I told my female cousin this, she said, "are you kidding me?  The girls at the gym I go to are stronger than him."  Trying to join guy groups growing up made me detest the male privilege when they say things like you can't do [something] because you're a girl.  What does that have to do with anything?  You're going to use gender as a way to block me from doing something?

 

I actually had an experience where the high school music teacher wanted some strong guys to help her.  The day after a concert, everyone's stuff is still at the stage, which is on the other side of the school.  Percussion instruments, like timpani, are heavy, so she asked specifically the guys in the class to help.  But the way she gives vibes to the class, she makes us all lazy and we could seriously just sit in the classroom for the whole class without doing anything.  When hardly anyone went to go help, some girl stood up on the podium and said, "everyone with balls, go!"  My guy friend was really indecisive as to whether he should go.  He wanted to be lazy, but he didn't want people to think he didn't have balls.  Eventually he went, so I just sat there bored.

[:)(:]

Oh one more thing. Although I am cis I am 100% I want a flat chest cuz I just hate it and it’s not lik I’m going to use them for anything productive 😝(haha punnn) . It’s bothersome and even when I wear a swimsuit I have to put on bras. I also hate just feeling them like wen running or jumping. It’s nit something that makes me feel violently ill but it’s unsettling and upsetting.

 

Anyway. I just have questions on what top removal surgery was like ? And you are asleep right ?(If I was awake I would strangle the doctor who tried to touch me. )

 

What is it like after?

 

This might be stupid but do you have phantom breast like they aren’t their but u feel them.

 

Is there ways to get around the cost? I know it will be worth it but it is like 15,000.

 

 

Just answer what u few like plz 

[Emery.]

Quote

The Shadows of the Hero Archetype

The Grandstander Bully. The young man under the influence of the Grandstander Bully demands respect from others and will unleash his wrath both physically and verbally if he doesn’t get it.  He has let the Hero’s sense of invulnerability mushroom into an arrogant and inflated sense of self. Thus the boy under the Bully shadow takes unnecessary and foolish risks, and his hubris oftentimes leads to his own destruction.

This shadow very often follows a boy into manhood. Do you know a grown man who suffers from intense road rage or blows up at the waitress who gets his order wrong? That’s the boyhood bully shadow at work. The man who is still haunted by this shadow believes he is superior to all others, and when his inflated sense of self is threatened–ie., when the world does not cater to his needs–he loses his temper and lashes out.

But underneath the Grandstander Bully’s posturing and false bravado lies an insecure coward, and he must fight to keep this fact hidden from everyone else. This insecurity makes the Grandstander Bully sensitive to any insinuation that he isn’t man enough, and so he lacks the confidence to incorporate any “feminine” energy into his life. This is the man who who scoffs at meditation or introspection as “sissy” stuff.

The Coward. The passive polar shadow of the Hero archetype is the Coward. Lacking the Hero’s courage, the boy under this shadow avoids confrontation; whether the conflict is physical or 

mental or moral, the Coward cannot stand up for himself. He is a conformist–a boy who always goes along with the crowd and does what others tell him to do. Even when fighting back is the right decision, he will walk away and rationalize his choice as the “manlier” thing to do.

But the boy possessed by the Coward cannot even convince himself of his own excuses, and he despises himself for his cowardice. He knows he is a doormat, and as people continue to walk over him, he gets angrier and angrier until he reaches a breaking point and lashes out in full Grandstander Bully fashion.  It would have been far better for this boy to handle conflict in a healthier way.

^^awful types. Know-it-alls who know next to nothing, because they don’t utilise their brains. 

[999papercranes]

Has anyone else dealt with increased internalized transphobia when they try to accept themselves as trans?

It's so strange and unsettling because obviously I see other trans people as completely normal and cool, but when it comes to me, there's a little voice in my head that whispers terrible things whenever I try to really accept that I'm trans. 

(TW- internalized transphobia)

I think I'm a freak whenever I experiment with putting a sock in my pants and I think that "who the fuck would ever let you try to be a boy" and that I'm just a deluded sad weirdo who needs a reality check and I just want to be a special snowflake and this is all in my head and I should just accept that I'm a miserable girl and get over it. It's unnatural to take hormones because I'll never "be a real boy" and I should just let this go before I try to transition and then regret it

[Was here]

2 minutes ago, 999papercranes said:

Has anyone else dealt with increased internalized transphobia when they try to accept themselves as trans?

It's so strange and unsettling because obviously I see other trans people as completely normal and cool, but when it comes to me, there's a little voice in my head that whispers terrible things whenever I try to really accept that I'm trans. 

(TW- internalized transphobia)

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I think I'm a freak whenever I experiment with putting a sock in my pants and I think that "who the fuck would ever let you try to be a boy" and that I'm just a deluded sad weirdo who needs a reality check and I just want to be a special snowflake and this is all in my head and I should just accept that I'm a miserable girl and get over it. It's unnatural to take hormones because I'll never "be a real boy" and I should just let this go before I try to transition and then regret it

 

I get that a lot too. Remember, it's ok to feel how you feel. I also hope I'm just making things up, but at the same times, I can;t deny how I feel.

[Was here]

I fucking hate when people say,"I support transgender people, but I don't like them disfiguring their bodies because their delusional" who the fuck cares??? Why do people care SO GOD DAMN MUCH what people do with THEIR bodies??? I don't like nose rings or belly button rings, but do I have the right to tell people "you shouldn't get that, because I don't like it"? No, I fucking don't.

 

Whenever I see transphobic things now, I imagine the person saying it as a monkey jumping up and down screaming about something they shouldn't make a big deal out of. I don't know, I guess it makes things hurt less when you realize the person saying something mean is ignorant and that their opinion really doesn't matter.

 

I wonder if transphobia would stop if surgery or whatever futuristic alternative to surgery would be could change sex 100%. So no one could argue anymore that "you still have a male/female body and you can't change that". Everyone knows their body isn't going to be exactly like a cis person's. For a lot of people, it's sad. It's very sad. (some) trans women/transfemminine people hate their flat chest and/or penis (or not). (some) Trans men/transmasculine people hate boobs and/or vaginas (or not). Just because you were born with your body a certain way doesn't mean you like it. 

 

[Lirpaderp]

2 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

Has anyone else dealt with increased internalized transphobia when they try to accept themselves as trans?

It's so strange and unsettling because obviously I see other trans people as completely normal and cool, but when it comes to me, there's a little voice in my head that whispers terrible things whenever I try to really accept that I'm trans. 

(TW- internalized transphobia)

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I think I'm a freak whenever I experiment with putting a sock in my pants and I think that "who the fuck would ever let you try to be a boy" and that I'm just a deluded sad weirdo who needs a reality check and I just want to be a special snowflake and this is all in my head and I should just accept that I'm a miserable girl and get over it. It's unnatural to take hormones because I'll never "be a real boy" and I should just let this go before I try to transition and then regret it

 

Yes! It drives me nuts. I don't see a problem when someone else is trans, but I'm bashing myself for it. I'll think I'm not trans, I'm just an AFAB who feels more like a boy..... Shit... By definition I am but I have a lot of trouble saying it. And even more problems accepting it. I feel the same way about everything you said. This is why I have so much trouble telling people to call me he. My roommates (all females) don't know and I'm in a 'girl' singing group. This is my way of pretending I'm a girl and it's not working at all.

[Zsareph]

3 hours ago, Dan99 said:

I fucking hate when people say,"I support transgender people, but I don't like them disfiguring their bodies because their delusional"

Would love to see those people explain in what way they were actually being "supportive".

 

 

3 hours ago, 999papercranes said:

Has anyone else dealt with increased internalized transphobia when they try to accept themselves as trans?

It's so strange and unsettling because obviously I see other trans people as completely normal and cool, but when it comes to me, there's a little voice in my head that whispers terrible things whenever I try to really accept that I'm trans. 

(TW- internalized transphobia)

 

  Reveal hidden contents

I think I'm a freak whenever I experiment with putting a sock in my pants and I think that "who the fuck would ever let you try to be a boy" and that I'm just a deluded sad weirdo who needs a reality check and I just want to be a special snowflake and this is all in my head and I should just accept that I'm a miserable girl and get over it. It's unnatural to take hormones because I'll never "be a real boy" and I should just let this go before I try to transition and then regret it

 

I'm more in the trying to figure out stage than accepting stage but this is still sadly relatable.

[Mezzo Forte]

9 hours ago, :)(: said:

Oh one more thing. Although I am cis I am 100% I want a flat chest cuz I just hate it and it’s not lik I’m going to use them for anything productive 😝(haha punnn) . It’s bothersome and even when I wear a swimsuit I have to put on bras. I also hate just feeling them like wen running or jumping. It’s nit something that makes me feel violently ill but it’s unsettling and upsetting.

 

Anyway. I just have questions on what top removal surgery was like ? And you are asleep right ?(If I was awake I would strangle the doctor who tried to touch me. )

 

What is it like after?

 

This might be stupid but do you have phantom breast like they aren’t their but u feel them.

 

Is there ways to get around the cost? I know it will be worth it but it is like 15,000.

 

 

Just answer what u few like plz 

I had periareolar top surgery last May, so I can answer some of your questions. Just know that experiences vary based on surgery type, surgeon, and your individual response to surgery. My suggestion is to read/listen to as many experiences as you can find online to gauge how you might feel with the process. There's lots of top surgery update videos online if you want to see people actively living through the recovery.

 

Top surgery uses general anesthesia, so you're out for the entire procedure. I had an especially good anesthesiologist, and she only put me partially out for the procedure, meaning that I didn't need assisted breathing for the procedure (not that you'd notice since you're out regardless) and the post-op throat scratchiness/dry mouth wasn't as bad as it could have.

 

With any surgery, you have a pre-op period where they get IVs and different medical cocktails going for you as you get introduced to the people assisting your surgeon. The surgeon marks up your chest with basically the blueprints for the procedure. With top surgery, I remember the moment I conked out on the operating table, but with my hysterectomy, I don't remember being anywhere near the OR when I passed out. You eventually regain consciousness in a recovery room where the staff observes you until it's safe for them to discharge you. I definitely remember waking up and immediately noticing that all my dysphoria was simply gone. That my chest was finally right.

 

I didn't get any phantom boobage. Heck, my chest finally felt as it should be. As you recover, you end up having to readjust for things like hugs because people can get noticeably closer to your person now, but that's more of a muscle memory thing. With my surgery type, sensation will eventually return to the nipples, but that day hasn't come yet, so there's more unique feelings regarding lack of sensation rather than phantom sensation.

 

My insurance covered some of my top surgery cost. They're trying to pull some BS to minimize how much they're reimbursing, but I still had some coverage. My surgeon was also one of the less expensive ones too, with my surgery costing $6k for everything, including anesthesia and surgical center fees.  That said, to get coverage, you need an insurance policy that covers gender-confirming surgeries and a therapist letter to say that this procedure is a medically-necessary treatment for gender dysphoria. Most surgeons require that same letter too, but if you were planning on using a surgeon who does informed consent, then the letter is still necessary for insurance. I also went to a local surgeon, so I didn't have to add travel costs either.

 

Just a friendly reminder though that this is a major surgery. The recovery can be quite intense, and the lifting restrictions/limited mobility mean that you need someone to take pretty intimate care of you for a good while, especially in the first few weeks. I had a tougher recovery than most people would, in part because I had a severe allergic reaction to my prescribed antibiotics. Post-op depression is quite common for this procedure, so pre-op mental prep and a watchful eye on your mental health are essential. Top surgery was 1000% worthwhile for me, but underestimating the recovery process can be dangerous.

 

[vmdraco]

Me: Uses they/them when I talk about my partner

Everyone: "She", "Her", "Girlfriend"

 

ಠ_ಠ

do y'all not have ears???

[Was here]

2 hours ago, Lirpaderp said:

Yes! It drives me nuts. I don't see a problem when someone else is trans, but I'm bashing myself for it. I'll think I'm not trans, I'm just an AFAB who feels more like a boy..... Shit... By definition I am but I have a lot of trouble saying it. And even more problems accepting it. I feel the same way about everything you said. This is why I have so much trouble telling people to call me he. My roommates (all females) don't know and I'm in a 'girl' singing group. This is my way of pretending I'm a girl and it's not working at all.

I don't even feel like a guy at all. All I know is I want a male body, I don't know how I feel internally. Sometimes I go into doubtful thought like "I'm too feminine" or "I cry a lot and I don't like to fight or anything". it sucks and it's confusing :|

[Emery.]

And I feel like I'm a lesbian after all. It doesn't make sense to call myself a lesbian if I date men, does it? But women are more appealing to me. A large fraction of men has nothing viable to offer to me. I can make decent money on my own, and their personalities are quite underdeveloped, even if their bodies are hot. Not to say some men aren't attractive to me. However. By and large... So I guess this would make me a lesbian if I prefer women? I guess I seem pretty gay to others too. I casually joke about how obviously gay I am, not saying anything about my actual preferences at the same time. 

 

As for seeming gay... So today I dressed quite tough  I made quite an impression, lol. All my male friends felt intimidated  I wore a black rock band tee, ripped jeans, black, black, black, black nail polish, black guyliner, a denim waistcoat/vest and a studded belt. A stud, right?  

 

no, I can't make sense of my sexual orientation. But at least I know I'm not straight, don't I?

[nerdperson777]

18 hours ago, :)(: said:

What is it like after?

This might be stupid but do you have phantom breast like they aren’t their but u feel them.

Is there ways to get around the cost? I know it will be worth it but it is like 15,000.

Just answer what u few like plz 

I looked on topsurgery.net and 15k looks like the really high end of it, if someone would really pay that much for it.  It looks more like 6-8k for the cheapest ones.  I'm not sure how Thailand has the best trans surgeries in the world but those seem to be the most expensive, with airfare costs and all.

I've heard AMAB people talk about a phantom dick.  This one girl told me that she was trying to position herself and then remembered she didn't have one anymore.

Insurance would probably the only way to get a reduced price as Mezzo says.  I don't really want to go through the insurance route and get a letter but I think that could get me a 40% discount.  I'm not feeling as dysphoric as I was a month ago so I guess I'm flipping back and forth again between whether I want surgery.

 

10 hours ago, Dan99 said:

I fucking hate when people say,"I support transgender people, but I don't like them disfiguring their bodies because their delusional" who the fuck cares??? Why do people care SO GOD DAMN MUCH what people do with THEIR bodies??? I don't like nose rings or belly button rings, but do I have the right to tell people "you shouldn't get that, because I don't like it"? No, I fucking don't.

 

Whenever I see transphobic things now, I imagine the person saying it as a monkey jumping up and down screaming about something they shouldn't make a big deal out of. I don't know, I guess it makes things hurt less when you realize the person saying something mean is ignorant and that their opinion really doesn't matter.

 

I wonder if transphobia would stop if surgery or whatever futuristic alternative to surgery would be could change sex 100%. So no one could argue anymore that "you still have a male/female body and you can't change that". Everyone knows their body isn't going to be exactly like a cis person's. For a lot of people, it's sad. It's very sad. (some) trans women/transfemminine people hate their flat chest and/or penis (or not). (some) Trans men/transmasculine people hate boobs and/or vaginas (or not). Just because you were born with your body a certain way doesn't mean you like it. 

 

My mom says that trans people can use the bathroom of their choosing and gay marriage is fine, but I don't seem to fit those.  She actually has to tell me that she's okay with me using male gendered bathrooms.  Okay?  Did I need your permission?

Calling us delusional isn't support.  The body art and piercings are a great example.  It all looks too stand out to me, but I'm not telling people that they shouldn't do what I don't like.

 

I don't think transphobia will stop.  The phobes would just consider it harder for them to see who's trans.  To the "you still have a [ ] body" argument, I would ask, how do you know? if it's a random stranger.  They haven't seen my genitals.  How can they decide for me what my body has without looking at it?

I don't hate my uterus and my chest is tolerable.  There's no real reason that I need any bottom surgery if I have no issues other than blood, which no longer happens.

 

7 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I had periareolar top surgery last May, so I can answer some of your questions. Just know that experiences vary based on surgery type, surgeon, and your individual response to surgery. My suggestion is to read/listen to as many experiences as you can find online to gauge how you might feel with the process. There's lots of top surgery update videos online if you want to see people actively living through the recovery.

 

Top surgery uses general anesthesia, so you're out for the entire procedure. I had an especially good anesthesiologist, and she only put me partially out for the procedure, meaning that I didn't need assisted breathing for the procedure (not that you'd notice since you're out regardless) and the post-op throat scratchiness/dry mouth wasn't as bad as it could have.

 

With any surgery, you have a pre-op period where they get IVs and different medical cocktails going for you as you get introduced to the people assisting your surgeon. The surgeon marks up your chest with basically the blueprints for the procedure. With top surgery, I remember the moment I conked out on the operating table, but with my hysterectomy, I don't remember being anywhere near the OR when I passed out. You eventually regain consciousness in a recovery room where the staff observes you until it's safe for them to discharge you. I definitely remember waking up and immediately noticing that all my dysphoria was simply gone. That my chest was finally right.

 

I didn't get any phantom boobage. Heck, my chest finally felt as it should be. As you recover, you end up having to readjust for things like hugs because people can get noticeably closer to your person now, but that's more of a muscle memory thing. With my surgery type, sensation will eventually return to the nipples, but that day hasn't come yet, so there's more unique feelings regarding lack of sensation rather than phantom sensation.

 

My insurance covered some of my top surgery cost. They're trying to pull some BS to minimize how much they're reimbursing, but I still had some coverage. My surgeon was also one of the less expensive ones too, with my surgery costing $6k for everything, including anesthesia and surgical center fees.  That said, to get coverage, you need an insurance policy that covers gender-confirming surgeries and a therapist letter to say that this procedure is a medically-necessary treatment for gender dysphoria. Most surgeons require that same letter too, but if you were planning on using a surgeon who does informed consent, then the letter is still necessary for insurance. I also went to a local surgeon, so I didn't have to add travel costs either.

 

Just a friendly reminder though that this is a major surgery. The recovery can be quite intense, and the lifting restrictions/limited mobility mean that you need someone to take pretty intimate care of you for a good while, especially in the first few weeks. I had a tougher recovery than most people would, in part because I had a severe allergic reaction to my prescribed antibiotics. Post-op depression is quite common for this procedure, so pre-op mental prep and a watchful eye on your mental health are essential. Top surgery was 1000% worthwhile for me, but underestimating the recovery process can be dangerous.

EDIT: I guess I got distracted with being distracted.  I was supposed to be working and then I'm here instead.

 

I passed out getting my wisdom teeth taken out so I don't think I'll remember top surgery if/whenever I get it.  Apparently I was supposed to wake up on my own and I didn't wake up until my mom shook my shoulder.  I didn't know what I was doing lying on a bench I didn't remember.

 

That's a pretty cheap surgery and you got a good quality one.

 

2 hours ago, Emery. said:

And I feel like I'm a lesbian after all. It doesn't make sense to call myself a lesbian if I date men, does it? But women are more appealing to me. A large fraction of men has nothing viable to offer to me. I can make decent money on my own, and their personalities are quite underdeveloped, even if their bodies are hot. Not to say some men aren't attractive to me. However. By and large... So I guess this would make me a lesbian if I prefer women? I guess I seem pretty gay to others too. I casually joke about how obviously gay I am, not saying anything about my actual preferences at the same time. 

 

As for seeming gay... So today I dressed quite tough  I made quite an impression, lol. All my male friends felt intimidated  I wore a black rock band tee, ripped jeans, black, black, black, black nail polish, black guyliner, a denim waistcoat/vest and a studded belt. A stud, right?  

 

no, I can't make sense of my sexual orientation. But at least I know I'm not straight, don't I?

You can use whatever term you want.  My friend, who is now gone, would always spam "I'm gay" in her status updates.  She is bi/pan, but it's always "I'm gay".  I'm not getting into the definition discourse where pan people (pan by definition) call themselves bi because I don't see an end to that.

 

Perhaps you're some sort of genderfluid with aesthetic and/or sexual attraction to men and then romantic attraction to women?

 

If you don't exclusively like the opposite binary sex to whatever gender you identify with, that would be gay.  It's okay, being straight is overrated.

[Starbogen]

Damn I have a cold and my voice sounds super deep today. I'm pretty into it. Now it sounds just male instead of the usual androgynously leaning towards male.

[:)(:]

27 minutes ago, Starbogen said:

Damn I have a cold and my voice sounds super deep today. I'm pretty into it. Now it sounds just male instead of the usual androgynously leaning towards male.

You should have wrote this in bold.   Btw When I read this in my head, you sounded like Batman!

[Mezzo Forte]

4 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

EDIT: I guess I got distracted with being distracted.  I was supposed to be working and then I'm here instead.

 

I passed out getting my wisdom teeth taken out so I don't think I'll remember top surgery if/whenever I get it.  Apparently I was supposed to wake up on my own and I didn't wake up until my mom shook my shoulder.  I didn't know what I was doing lying on a bench I didn't remember.

 

That's a pretty cheap surgery and you got a good quality one.

AVEN's a fun place for meta distractions I suppose

 

Honestly, I don't think anyone is supposed to remember top surgery. I know people who have opted to be awake for stuff like abdominal hysterectomies, but most surgeons aren't comfortable with that. Who knows if it's even an option for top surgery? Either way, I once tried to watch a YouTube video of Dr. Medalie performing periareolar top surgery, and I honestly closed it out pretty quickly into the video. I think it's better just not knowing.

 

I definitely got lucky having an affordable surgeon nearby. I definitely chose him for his results first and foremost, but the low cost was definitely a perk. I've heard of guys whose procedures were so minor that my surgeon only charged like $3.5k for them, but that was many years ago and I don't think he'll ever charge that low again. Definitely well worth the $6k though.

[nerdperson777]

1 hour ago, Mezzo Forte said:

AVEN's a fun place for meta distractions I suppose

 

Honestly, I don't think anyone is supposed to remember top surgery. I know people who have opted to be awake for stuff like abdominal hysterectomies, but most surgeons aren't comfortable with that. Who knows if it's even an option for top surgery? Either way, I once tried to watch a YouTube video of Dr. Medalie performing periareolar top surgery, and I honestly closed it out pretty quickly into the video. I think it's better just not knowing.

 

I definitely got lucky having an affordable surgeon nearby. I definitely chose him for his results first and foremost, but the low cost was definitely a perk. I've heard of guys whose procedures were so minor that my surgeon only charged like $3.5k for them, but that was many years ago and I don't think he'll ever charge that low again. Definitely well worth the $6k though.

Yeah, I was working, and then I checked my other 40 tabs.  Then I went to another tab or back to working and forgot that I had quoted two more things without saying anything.

 

I only heard of Dr. Medalie from an underage YouTuber.  He might be of age now but was underage when he got the surgery from that doctor.  He and I had the same name before and wrote a poem about it.  I think he just brought a bunch of us with that name together because it's so relatable as an AFAB trans person who had that name.

 

The closest to me would be in SF.  I may need a friend to drive me there, and back.  She seems to go all around the Bay quite often so I think she can handle the SF roads.  Going to Oakland (an hour, maybe two) for a dinner seems a bit much for me, but she did.

 

Recent trans thoughts:  I saw a Y shaped underwear at Costco.  Someone already took one out of the package and left it there so I went to see what the inside looked.  There's a horizontal flap in there so I wonder if it's good for STP.  I wonder what's so special about that.  I kind of want to try it but have to wait for dad to go to Costco again, because I don't have the membership to go by myself.

 

Next thought can be a bit TMI

Not sure if this is gender dysphoria, but I feel like I have a lot of hair, "down there".  I remember not liking it since 9th grade.  We had the swim unit in PE and I was wearing a one piece.  I was noticing a few strands of hair coming out from my swimsuit.  And then there was space between my inner thigh and swimsuit that was concave, so hair could come out of there.  With T, I think it's more, but definitely darker.  It's starting to even have roots grow on the underwear seam line, which would mean they would be visible in briefs.  (I know I wouldn't be in a situation where someone would see my legs like that, but I still don't like it.)  So I'm not sure if this is gender dysphoria or me trying to conform to societal expectations, or something else?

[Emery.]

Hm, if I can be bi/pan and call myself gay, that would solve the problem  

 

8 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

It's okay, being straight is overrated.

Ha ha.  

 

Edit: it's morning here. Have a gay day peeps!  

[Light02]

Right now I live in a room I've rented and my landlady lives in the other room. Yesterday I came back after having spent the previous two days at my best friend's place and my landlady called me "Panteley The Traveler" which is a Bulgarian expression meaning someone who is never home. Panteley is a male name. I just keep realizing, again and again, just how much I like being called by a male name. I still stand by that Sve is my preffered name because it's gender-neutral in my mind but being called by a male name is amazing, too.

[Emery.]

Okay, so I had a series of strange dreams lately. The fist one was that I cut my hair off, then I talked about how long hait makes me feel like Rapunzel or another Disney Princess, and that I don't understand why the Disney model is how many people imagine love. I felt thrown off by being rescued from a tower by a knight, or something like that. This was the explanation why I don't have long hair. Then I was Mello from Death Note (my avatar)? I messed with Matt. If you didn't know, Mello dresses like a total gothic rockman and has a motorbike. Today I had a dream that I was out in the city with my friends, my crush included, and people called me sir. I thought it was strange, because I don't really pass or have a masculine voice in my opinion, but I went with it, and my friends ignored it. I was surprised that my crush didn't mind, he's straight in the end! Then I went shopping with one of my best friends who is non-binary and we shopped for dresses (he's MAAB) and I went to my grandma and some of those people that were in my dream joined, and my mom appeared from somewhere and talked about Madonna being a bisexual and how that's okay (Mello looks like Madonna  ). 

 

Now that I think about it, it makes some sense, especially all three dreams combined. Apart from mirroring my experiences to a degree, it is also a love story or a statement about love 

[nerdperson777]

I've noticed that when packing (or just stuffing my STP in my pants), the middle of my underwear goes really far down.  I'm guessing this is due to estrogen first puberty giving hips to me.

[:)(:]

That’s actually kinda cool that you have such vivid deams.

[Mezzo Forte]

This hysterectomy is really messing with my temperature regulation. >.< I'm getting cold embarrassingly easily, even by local standards, yet I'm still sweating rivers at night. I finally resumed my T shots yesterday, but right now, I'm still getting cold easily and just sweating even more. I sweated so much last night that I had to dry off with a towel when I got out of bed this morning. I'm hoping that as the T kicks in, everything will slowly return to normal.

[Emery.]

5 hours ago, :)(: said:

That’s actually kinda cool that you have such vivid deams.

Um thank you  

 

Man, but this dream series was a bit boring. It also didn't contain anything innovative. Sometimes I have more useful dreams that are nice pieces of insight, but this one? Meh, I wrote stories like this when I was half my current age. Or maybe there is still some meaning hiding from me in all this.

 

Edit: never mind, it all just fell into place. I don't have to worry. The stuff I deleted. 

[Guest]

I loved to play my FFXIV Catgirl character... After knowing I'm trans.. It's painful and don't want to play it much.

 

I hope I can play her again soon... 

[Lirpaderp]

Ever since I got back from break, my friends have been increasingly calling me she. After months of being called only he. And it started right when I got a binder too. What's different? Do I look like a girl when my boobs are hidden?! I'm still wearing the same clothes. I know my voice is too high, but does have that much of an impact? I should just slink back into the closet where I belong? But being even a little out feels good, going back now will destroy me.

[:)(:]

I just remembered something ...A while back I was in Spanish and my two sportsbras and a tank top straps where showing I had a big ish t shirt on over that. So my Spanish teacher ( a female) came up and was like one,two, three. Why do you have so many on?

 

 

Made my top ten list of most awkward moments...

[Iota Tau]

So I'm probably going to switch my pronouns to xe/xem. I think I've been thinking about doing that since I found out "xyr" rhymes with here instead of her.

 

Right now I'm just testing out going back to them, but I like it. I feel like it will probably become permanent.

[:)(:]

41 minutes ago, Lirpaderp said:

Ever since I got back from break, my friends have been increasingly calling me she. After months of being called only he. And it started right when I got a binder too. What's different? Do I look like a girl when my boobs are hidden?! I'm still wearing the same clothes. I know my voice is too high, but does have that much of an impact? I should just slink back into the closet where I belong? But being even a little out feels good, going back now will destroy me.

That really confusing. Possibly ask them maybe it was a misunderstanding ? I don’t know personally I am cis but I don’t show a lot of my personality any anything about me. I like I went to an interview and the peons was like tell me about you. And I failed so hard. AVEN Legt know more me than my firends.

and sometimes just stitting there and being the only one who knows you and not expressing it is like a min hell.

 

Ironic I know but I would hate for some to be an my position as well.. 

I

[Lirpaderp]

@:)(: that's me in most of my classes. I'm called a woman/girl a lot and I try to hide my discomfort. Sometimes I hope I react out loud to it, then I'll out myself but I want to be out so it'll all be good. But instead I sit there in silence.