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14 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I react the same way when I accidentally pull out my facial hair. In loving memory. :P

:lol: now i know why my cousin sometimes refuses to shave his wee goatee existing from a few hairs and complains when he has to shave them because they’re way too long! Men and facial hair XD

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19 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I react the same way when I accidentally pull out my facial hair. In loving memory. :P

Me when I have to shave my pitiful excuse for facial hair :lol:

 

But it’s starting to grow back faster each time!

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Hamiltrash, my attractions are a mess too. I think I lean towards femininity, but there are quite notable exceptions.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

@Hamiltrash Queer PM me if you want! I experience attraction pretty similarly, i’d say. 

 

There’s this word called neptunic that I identify with somewhat strongly- it means you like females and feminine-aligned people and agender people, but not really men or masc-aligned people. Maybe that fits for you too? But if not, that’s okay too :) 

 

*hugs*

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nerdperson777

I think I know what my STP problem is now. It's overflow. I put it a few inches under me instead of cupping so that I can see the pee fall. So I am peeing correctly, just that I'm peeing too fast? Sometimes I just really have to go! 

 

I managed to not pee all over myself that time and I found out the issue. I guess I should be satisfied. So if i really want to go pee standing outside of my home, I'm going to need one that has a huge collection bin. 

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I'm still so uncomfortable over the conversation I saw on my phone this morning.

 

I was worried that, after this disaster of a summer, that once I left for school shit would go back to square one when I come over for Thanksgiving and my parents will call me female pronouns again.  

 

Sure enough I go on my phone this morning and saw a conversation between my mom and dad about something they couldn't find in my room.  Referred to me as she/her and talked about what to do with it once I got back, even my mom who has been using he/him.  It didn't ruin my whole day but it sure as hell was disappointing and yet not surprising.

 

I didn't say anything or reply, I was just fucking done in general, and exasperated.  I've had the best two weeks in a long time.  In a relationship that matters; producing good artwork; feeling like life makes sense for once and once again I have to deal with this horseshit.  I feel like a broken record, that I have to reiterate over and over and OVER again that I'm not a fucking girl when it's been a damn year and this shit ain't brand new.  I don't want to go back home.  I don't want to be there.  I miss my little sister and my cats and that's the only thing I'm looking forward to.  I'd much rather be with my partner and friends at school.  I hate how I have to be patient.   

 

*sigh*

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You know. I think my sexual orientation confusion has come to an end. Unfortunately, I’m mostly into women. I mean, for me it’s fortunate, because I just dislike dating men. But it’s unfortunate for my reproductive prospects. I fancy a man sometimes. This is what got me thinking I’m straight. But in general, no, I’m not into them. Women are a lot more charming and better dating material and for sex too. Maybe having a family with a woman isn’t such a bad idea? I just have scarcity of male relatives... that is a problem. Let me repeat myself: I’m shocked. Only now am I beginning to accuratwly describe what my sexyal orientation exactly is. That I like women, but some men too. But if I do like a man this way, then it’s not like I’m not into him physically. I like handsome guys for sure. But those handsone ones, lol, and with androgynous personalities. It was a problem for me... bi? I’m not evenly split and not just occasionally into women. Lesbian? I get turned on by some men for sure, and crush on them, this is so not lesbian. 

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nerdperson777
On 11/16/2017 at 3:41 PM, vmdraco said:

I'm still so uncomfortable over the conversation I saw on my phone this morning.

 

I was worried that, after this disaster of a summer, that once I left for school shit would go back to square one when I come over for Thanksgiving and my parents will call me female pronouns again.  

 

Sure enough I go on my phone this morning and saw a conversation between my mom and dad about something they couldn't find in my room.  Referred to me as she/her and talked about what to do with it once I got back, even my mom who has been using he/him.  It didn't ruin my whole day but it sure as hell was disappointing and yet not surprising.

 

I didn't say anything or reply, I was just fucking done in general, and exasperated.  I've had the best two weeks in a long time.  In a relationship that matters; producing good artwork; feeling like life makes sense for once and once again I have to deal with this horseshit.  I feel like a broken record, that I have to reiterate over and over and OVER again that I'm not a fucking girl when it's been a damn year and this shit ain't brand new.  I don't want to go back home.  I don't want to be there.  I miss my little sister and my cats and that's the only thing I'm looking forward to.  I'd much rather be with my partner and friends at school.  I hate how I have to be patient.   

 

*sigh*

I'm kind of prepared for this on my birthday.  Last year was one of my worst birthdays since while I went out to a nice dinner, my parents were celebrating the birthday of a daughter, singing the birthday song for the birthday girl.  Mom was still wanting to keep the family the same, with no one else but immediate family and a cousin knowing.  My gender is just a family secret.  I'm forced to hear my relatives call me my birthname and she.  I missed the last couple family events so they haven't heard my voice drop.  I feel like the time they find out may be soon, because I can't hide my voice forever.

 

Also, I went to a neutral bathroom in Target the other day.  I seem to have forgotten about them.  I've been presenting as a binary male practically since I graduated 11 months ago, so I have been using male restrooms.  I have always preferred neutral bathrooms.  Seeing one seems like nostalgia, since I haven't been able to express my non-binary-ness outside for some time.  I will change my gender to gender X....or should I just have M to make it easier?

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nerdperson777

The trans boy I haven't seen in a while came to visit just now. He said he was gone because of surgery. I thought it was code for top surgery, since we discussed that last. I asked what procedure he got before he left and he said it was just for a lump in his lung. I've failed too much today. 

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spoiler because more annoying self doubt and gets tmi/nsfw

Spoiler

What if this is just a fantasy to cope with low self esteem, anxiety and/or a bad experience? What if it's just my usual obsession with escapism? What if I'm just some dumb yaoi fangirl (I don't even watch/read yaoi, I just meant "what if I just fetishize gay men because I wish I was one and/or having sex as a guy is more appealing to me than as a girl")? What if it's actually a weird fetish? What if I'm thinking this because I have a pathetic obsession with the idea of having sex as a guy and my weird obsession with sex and love in general? Maybe it's because I'm young, maybe it's because I want to be  like everyone else, maybe it's because I love imagining myself a guy more than being girl, or maybe this obsession is because I feel like I need a body part that I don't have and am desperate for...I don't know.

 

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Yesterday. Karate. I trained in pair with a 12 years old girl. We talked a bit. At some point, she said she always wanted a brother. My dude :lol: 

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@Dan99, I'm sorry, but your what ifs sound quite made up, since they have no grounds. Plus, love and sex aren't a wierd obsession, just like food isn't a wierd obsession. Those are not obsessions, this is you being made of flesh and blood. As for strange sexual fantasies... I'm not sure where I read it, but everyone has them. Maybe it was in a magazine for teens. People fantasise about rape, bdsm, kink, sex in public places, in strange positions, make up strange erotic stories... Try to google how much the average person thinks about sex and you'll be surprised. 

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nerdperson777
2 hours ago, Emery. said:

Yesterday. Karate. I trained in pair with a 12 years old girl. We talked a bit. At some point, she said she always wanted a brother. My dude :lol: 

One day my class' conditioning exercise was sitting on our knees and basically play fighting.  If one person gets knocked to the floor, the other wins a point.  I don't have any siblings to play fight, so in that time, I lost 8-0 to a 12 year old boy.  I'm too soft.  I'm not rowdy at all.  Plus not being able to use my legs makes me pretty useless.

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I have a bit of an odd relationship with my deadname. I'm in university now and before we started I'd decided to introduce myself by my preffered name (which is just the first syllable of my deadname) and I've started doing that so most of my fellow students call me that but my preffered name sounds more like a nickname, so I can't really expect the proffesors to use it and I think that's okay because, as I've said in the past, I don't absolutely hate my deadname. I'm okay with using it in more formal situations. But sometimes things like today happen: our teachers are still learning our names so one of them wanted me to answer a question so he said: "Svetlina (my deadname), right?" and for about 5 seconds I didn't answer because I didn't realize he was talking to me. I eventually noticed just because he was looking at me. 

 

For a couple of years now I've been considering moving to an English-speaking country, probably Canada, so if I do that I think I'll definitely change my name legally and I would even be able to use it at formal settings, like job interviews because nobody would know it's not a normal Bulgarian name :D.

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nerdperson777

I've been learning Bagua, another Chinese martial art, from this old guy who wants to make Bagua as popular as Taiji.  He posts videos of us, his students online to promote his teaching.  He has shown me videos that he posted, two them are of me.  He didn't actually ask for my consent for these and now my face is in there.  I actually find it amusing that he referred to me as they in the description but I think it was just an accident.

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*Looks at last name* I need to learn more about chinese culture XD

 

I kinda can't material arts for the life of me, last time i tried taking judo classes i almost ended up hitting the instructor in his private parts as i said earlier he demanded me to take my glasses off :lol: 

 

 

 

 

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I think this is a diffiucult decision, but I concluded that I don't want to date a man. At least not now. I don't want to feel pressured into heteronormativity. I don't want to feel like I'm expected to assume a certain role in ... ekhem... many aspects. I don't want to feel like a freak. And this is bascially what men make me feel like.

 

edit: Or no, no decision. But I feel like doing this.

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So a female coworker today was doing some embroidery during lunch today... for christmas. She was making this cute angel angel... And I was like.. AAWwwww <3, that's sooo cute. Used to remind me how me and mom used to make things like these when I was young!

 

She looks up at me... first a bit weirdly, then sees me so enthusiastic about it, and lol, she showed me some more pictures of what she had made... 

 

Hahaha, that must've made her day somewhat weird.

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Anybody know good YouTube channels to watch regarding information/experiences with being trans/non-binary?

 

I'm hoping if I see how a bunch of others feel, maybe I can come to a conclusion to what I am.

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This week, both my parents made the same comment 100% independently of each other in one-on-one conversation with me: "you were a beautiful girl, but you're definitely a handsome man now."

 

I feel bad having a compliment dredge up negative emotions, but thankfully, my parents were fairly understanding when I explained my feelings. I don't know if they 100% understand it, but they at least know where I stand. Turned out that my dad and sister have had differing opinions about how to refer to my pre-transition self too, and my sis appreciated that I discussed my stance with her. She was always more on the side of using he/him for my past self, even if "talking about stuff like how I used to braid my brother's hair sometimes sounds a bit odd." :lol:

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nerdperson777
1 hour ago, Lirpaderp said:

Anybody know good YouTube channels to watch regarding information/experiences with being trans/non-binary?

 

I'm hoping if I see how a bunch of others feel, maybe I can come to a conclusion to what I am.

I can only think of Jake, who was FtM and now says is non binary. He's dating Alex, another FtM. 

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nerdperson777

Just came back from a Thanksgiving party at my uncle's.  It's the first time I've seen them since I started T.  Tried to raise my voice still.  It started with one aunt who is the bubbly ignorant kind.  She kept grabbing at me while I'm trying to run away from her.  My first sound was kind of low so she asked about my voice, which I kind of ignored.  The second sound I made was much higher.  I continued to sound gay I suppose.  A family friend said my voice was kind of funny and asked if I was sick.  I just said yeah and left it at that.

 

I think I'm finding that I'm turning into one of my cousins, in terms of appearance and voice.  When I first cut my hair, other relatives said that I looked like a younger version of him.  I guess I did, since we have a similar face and I had the same hair he did when he was maybe 10.  Now with T, I think my voice sounds like his.  So I guess he and I can look alike, while his older brother looks like another one of our cousins.

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Tutor: "so which group would like to see me first? If no one has a preference, how about we go ladies first?" *looks in my direction*

 

Me: *realises the groups have somehow ended up gender segregated and I'm in the "all girls" group....resigns self to the next few weeks of being called "ladies", "women", and "girls"* :/ 

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So I came out the shower the other day, and my mom said to me "you have large breasts for a guy".

She doesn't know I'm trans, and I haven't tried anything to change my breasts.

 

On another occasion, she said I have a high voice for a guy. Is she up to something?

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The-world-is-quiet-here

It seems like my cousin’s grandma keeps wanting to talk to me. It sounds creepy when i put it that way, but it isn’t :) 

I haven’t been very close with her in the past, but I know she really loves me. 

 

Her native language is Spanish, so today I wrote her a short note in Spanish along the lines of, “hey, I would like to keep in touch, here is my phone number.” 

 

She started reading the note I wrote her and I felt like she was going to cry. She told me, “I love you! God bless you!” Then she called me “mi linda niña” (my pretty girl, I think?) and said she would write to me. 

 

The funny thing was, it didn’t feel like misgendering to me. It felt a little off, but it was more like “oh, I haven’t ever talked to her about my gender/sexuality stuff.” 

I’m not sure why it didn’t feel like misgendering. Maybe because I was expecting for it to feel a lot worse, or because I’ve been really anxious lately so it was just like another drop in the bucket. 

But it was nice. 

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999papercranes
Just now, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

The funny thing was, it didn’t feel like misgendering to me. It felt a little off, but it was more like “oh, I haven’t ever talked to her about my gender/sexuality stuff.” 

I’m not sure why it didn’t feel like misgendering. Maybe because I was expecting for it to feel a lot worse, or because I’ve been really anxious lately so it was just like another drop in the bucket. 

But it was nice. 

I've experienced this too before. Ironically with my Spanish teacher. She's very nice and kind and pretty. She once said to me "¡Tú eres chica muy artística!" (You are a very artistic girl) but whenever she calls me "chica" I don't feel dysphoria... probably because it's meant in such a kind way and I know that if I were to come out to my teachers, she would be the one to accept me wholeheartedly. Maybe some day she'll call me "chico" instead... a boy can hope.

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nerdperson777

I was in the shower and I noticed something weird again.  I've mentioned previously that I had a single long nipple hair.  It once disappeared and reappeared like magic.  It didn't fall off and grow back, although I accidentally ripped it out twice.  It was an inch long, longer than anything I had pre-T.  Today?  It's now a centimeter.  I guess somehow over half of it broke off.  I don't understand what's with this thing.  But now at least I have a half inch one on the other side.

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I need some help/advice... So a few days ago I managed to twist my body in a way it apparently was not meant to be twisted and I ended up hurting my ribs or muscles on one side.

It doesn't hurt a lot, not enough for me to take pills for the pain, but it does hurt enough to be annoying. Not all the time, sometimes I can't feel it at all but sometimes when I move or breath deeply it hurts and I think it's been getting worse instead of better.

 

So my question is how do I know what I hurt or how bad it is? Has anyone had anything like this happen and could I still wear my binder or do I need to wear my sportsbro for a while?

I wore my binder a couple days ago and it honestly felt less bad than now that I'm wearing the sportsbro so idk.

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I. Am. So. Tired. Damn those tests. My brain is hurting. Literally.

 

I feel dysphoric on the top of that, but I have no idea what to do about it. Now I'm pretty sure this dysphoria comes from right within me, but I don't know what it really is. I don't have the time or energy now to try to find it a outlet. So I'm just miserable. Last week. I wanted to go somewhere all dressed up in a suit. Have a girlfriend. Now? I'm just dead. But I realised that this is not the environment, this is coming from within me. It's one of those things that don't have a name. 

 

I sometimes wonder. I like guys. But I wish I didn't. I really do. It's so complicated. I wish I didn't have to do it, I wish I didn't like the male body. I always regret. It's like... I want to have a girlfriend, it doesn't come from any real attraction. I'm attracted to people who I don't want to date if that makes any sense. 

 

I want to have fun so much. I can't right now. 

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