Jump to content

Trans Musings & Rantings


Recommended Posts

nerdperson777

There's a DnD game I've been playing in person and we finally got our online games set up.  We can now invite people who weren't able to play before.  So we got our agender ex-coworker who has been in Europe for grad school.  My character is agender already so they pronouns should be used.  The DM is our religious cishet manager who doesn't really understand queer topics very well.  He simply just says the townspeople are not well versed at these kinds of things, because he isn't, but we are allowed to be non-binary characters.  He was thinking of a title to call my character because they're neither a sir or ma'am.  He remembered that in another co-worker's culture that there is such thing as a ma'amsir so that's what my character became.  Then we started our online game early Saturday morning, as we had to accommodate for the agender person being 9 hours ahead.  So their character is a Kenku, which is apparently a bird person.  They want to be called by it pronouns.  I joked, "as if I wasn't confusing enough."  So now our party is our 6 foot male fighter leader, his goblin minion, his RL step brother is a rogue, me a bard, and a bird person.  Since the rogue and bird are our new characters, they just kind of came in together.  Apparently we are all neutral alignment.  The bird is chaotic neutral and the rogue is lawful neutral so they said that they were an odd pair of travelers, so now we have at least one of all lawful, neutral, and chaotic.  I think this will be interesting, with the extra they and it pronouns, even if the DM is still compulsively calling us guys collectively and using the wrong pronouns on our characters.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

One of the players in my last campaign (warforged cleric) accidentally misgendered one of the other people at the table (dwarf fighter) a few times, in character. 

(He was pretty embarrassed about it.)

I casually mentioned that

a) it's hard to tell genders with dwarves, since they all have beards,

and

b) warforged aren't good at reading gender cues.

That seemed to smooth it over a bit with everyone involved.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
8 hours ago, Karst said:

One of the players in my last campaign (warforged cleric) accidentally misgendered one of the other people at the table (dwarf fighter) a few times, in character. 

(He was pretty embarrassed about it.)

I casually mentioned that

a) it's hard to tell genders with dwarves, since they all have beards,

and

b) warforged aren't good at reading gender cues.

That seemed to smooth it over a bit with everyone involved.

In my first queer game, our autistic lesbian had an interesting character.  She was a Warforged character, said to be aromantic, but in true autistic fashion, if anyone (explicitly) asked her out, she'd probably say yes.  In the beginning, I had wondered if our adventure was a dating sim for her character because of all the girls that showed attraction to her.  We were at a wizard school so there's plenty of people.  I think she had even flirted with a headmaster or someone who wasn't a student.  But later our poly pansexual girl decided to get with a bunch of our classmates so it became her dating sim instead.  One of the guys she flirted with, I thought it was just to get some answers out of him.  Later she asked me, "why would I fake that?"  So I guess I had an ace moment, not knowing if she was being sarcastic or not.  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Interference

just had a dream where i tried a binder on [a black with zippered front one] and it felt...nice? i definitely looked happier in the mirror.

 

now i want a binder.... it's hella hard to ship here tho ;;

Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a dream where I was participating in a workshop, and wore the wrong gendered costume. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
5 hours ago, Interference said:

just had a dream where i tried a binder on [a black with zippered front one] and it felt...nice? i definitely looked happier in the mirror.

 

now i want a binder.... it's hella hard to ship here tho ;;

The option is to try sewing one.  Just me but, I don't think it should be that hard to sew.  If you got the thread and maybe a machine, the hardest part would just be getting the right fabric.  I had to do a little hand sewing when my roommate was hogging my machine.  I have got to say that I have mad respect for those who actually hand sew.  I still sew despite not being very dexterous so I probably take twice or several times as long to get my seam through.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Interference
3 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

The option is to try sewing one.  Just me but, I don't think it should be that hard to sew.  If you got the thread and maybe a machine, the hardest part would just be getting the right fabric.  I had to do a little hand sewing when my roommate was hogging my machine.  I have got to say that I have mad respect for those who actually hand sew.  I still sew despite not being very dexterous so I probably take twice or several times as long to get my seam through.

i.... honestly don't know how to sew things. >> my mom have a very basic skill on that, and i find my lefthandedness a bit weird to follow (most) sewing guides to. i want to learn it in this semester break though, if only to mend clothes. i have a long, long way to go until i can sew a binder for myself confidently. (and maybe one big decluttering session. my room is a mess.) 

 

i did my research earlier and i found people that will handle the shipping and tax (the part i'm struggling most with) that handled worse (read: nsfw) things than a binder and generally gets great reviews, so i might employ them when i have the money to, and when conversion works in my place's favor than the us'. i can say it's for cosplay or theatre, and they'll hopefully bite it.

 

also, a bit of good news: might get my hair cut again to the shorter length i want instead of this shoulder ish bob cut. yay? yay. still can't dye it (i want to go from black to platinum blonde), but i'll settle with this for now. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Today, I realized that I have been binding for about 5 years. I was supposed to get top surgery this year, but COVID-19 screwed up some plans. I'm hoping I can still get it sometime this year. I did want to lose some weight so that I could get better results, even if the surgeon I talked to on my consultation said that he could still perform the surgery on my body as is. I used to be really good on keeping track of my weight and going down, but honestly, after all the craziness this year, I haven't been doing as good of a job. I'm thinking maybe an actual date would help motivate me more. And if not, I just want to get it over with. I'm tired of binding and I hate going outside without my binder, even if it's just for a second, I don't want anyone to see me without my binder. And I hate when my mom makes me go out for whatever and it's just tiring to put my binder back on for a few minutes, especially after a long day. If I were to already get top surgery, I wouldn't have to stress about little stuff like that and...

 

It's same thing all over again back when I wasn't able to start T yet and getting jealous of those who were on HRT. I'm happy for them, of course, but I wished that was me too. And now it's that way with top surgery as I'm seeing my friends on FB and their top surgery or milestones and I just want to be there too in my transition. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
DuranDuranfan

@SkyWorld do you live in the States? 
 

I know in my province here in Canada we’ve moved into Phase 2 of the slow return to normal process. So I’m able to get my in person consult with the surgeon for my reduction surgery.

Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
16 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

Today, I realized that I have been binding for about 5 years. I was supposed to get top surgery this year, but COVID-19 screwed up some plans. I'm hoping I can still get it sometime this year. I did want to lose some weight so that I could get better results, even if the surgeon I talked to on my consultation said that he could still perform the surgery on my body as is. I used to be really good on keeping track of my weight and going down, but honestly, after all the craziness this year, I haven't been doing as good of a job. I'm thinking maybe an actual date would help motivate me more. And if not, I just want to get it over with. I'm tired of binding and I hate going outside without my binder, even if it's just for a second, I don't want anyone to see me without my binder. And I hate when my mom makes me go out for whatever and it's just tiring to put my binder back on for a few minutes, especially after a long day. If I were to already get top surgery, I wouldn't have to stress about little stuff like that and...

 

It's same thing all over again back when I wasn't able to start T yet and getting jealous of those who were on HRT. I'm happy for them, of course, but I wished that was me too. And now it's that way with top surgery as I'm seeing my friends on FB and their top surgery or milestones and I just want to be there too in my transition. 

Usually the BMI requirements are BS anyway.  But I don't recall you being that big as a person, if I remembered the correct user to the correct picture, or maybe you didn't post a picture at all and I remembered totally the wrong person.  I can't imagine getting surgery now and everyone getting their dates cancelled.  When I first got a date, I ended up cancelling because of insurance change, but I know that's different from being stopped by a pandemic.  I ended up having surgery 9 months later.  But I get that motivation is down at a time like this.  I feel awful when it comes to productivity.  I also spend all my working hours in my bed because my desk is covered in stuff.  I stayed awake pretty well for maybe the first three weeks.  Binding really is tiring.  To me it felt more like a bandage solution.  It's only temporary because those things still exist.  But I would have to say that it's worth waiting for.  It's amazing that my dysphoria just evaporated into thin air just like that.  I didn't think that dysphoria would be gone as quick as a snap of the fingers.  I keep forgetting that I no longer have a shield in front of me to take hits for me. 😅 I was moving the toaster oven last night to clean and there wasn't anything between my chest, my shirt and the toaster.  It was a little uncomfortable knowing that I had no "armor" anymore.  I guess I'm going to need to get pecs if I want any armor at all.

 

That's always a hard feeling, feeling jealous of people that have what we don't.  Like I said I know that one teen, his parents accepted him wholeheartedly.  He got to start T at 13.  He needed E blockers because of the what appeared to be C cups that he had already at age 12.  I kept thinking, why does he get to have everything?  But this was comparing to myself, who had parents who gave nothing.  I always wondered why I worked way harder than everyone else, but my reward was usually nothing or even something that didn't help me.  I remember his parents said that he had to sleep early for school like 8pm, meanwhile my mom said that I didn't go to bed until I finished homework, which could've been 10 or 11.  He probably did work something out with his parents in that they had a deal that they both contributed to that I don't know about.  Deals in my family were usually I do what my parents want and I got in trouble if I didn't do them.  I never got anything in return.  My parents still don't accept me.  They just ignore the fact that I'm trans.  So yes, there's jealousy and envy, but for sure he didn't deserve dysphoria.  None of us do.  It's just kind of the luck of the draw of whether we get supportive friends and family.  I had to wait until I graduated college and find a job to afford hormones.  I never asked if he planned on phalloplasty or any bottom surgery, but I feel like an adult like me asking a teen about genitals could be a little off.  But considering that he was fine until puberty started, he may not care for it.  I already asked about his top surgery incision type but I guess it was weird because we weren't really close.  As far as I know, he probably "finished transitioning" by 15, when he had top surgery.  Now it's just waiting for his T effects to come in because I don't think he looks that masculinized.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Usually the BMI requirements are BS anyway.  But I don't recall you being that big as a person, if I remembered the correct user to the correct picture, or maybe you didn't post a picture at all and I remembered totally the wrong person.  I can't imagine getting surgery now and everyone getting their dates cancelled.

I'm overweight. He recommended that I lose about 30 lbs. I was doing so well before the pandemic because I was going to the gym regularly and I'd watch hockey there so I can go more consistently. I'm hoping that by having a deadline, it can motivate me more. And so I called earlier today to see if I could set a date. I was originally going to have an earlier date, but things have been pushed back. My date is in 3 months and I'm hoping I could lose about 10 lbs per month before the procedure. Even if I don't reach my goal, I'd still be happy to get better results than I would if my body is how it is now. Also, my therapist helped me with getting started on my name change process (it's about time).

 

6 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

My parents still don't accept me.  They just ignore the fact that I'm trans.  So yes, there's jealousy and envy, but for sure he didn't deserve dysphoria.  None of us do.  It's just kind of the luck of the draw of whether we get supportive friends and family. 

I used to be genuinely worried that my mom would kick me out and my grandma threatened to disown me if I didn't change the name to what she wanted. Though, luckily my mom didn't and my relationship with her has improved. I haven't really told my grandma what exactly I'm changing my name to, she already knows my new name and she refuses to call me by it... but I gave her the okay to call me a shortened nickname of the closest masculine version of my birth name, which I do plan on having that as my middle name. I am privileged in the fact that using my mom's insurance helps me with my testosterone and would likely help with my top surgery coverage. Hopefully it'll cover a decent amount and I could afford the rest, or I might start a gofundme on social media (I'd want that to be a last resort though).

 

I'm really sorry to hear that about your family. Hopefully they'll come around someday, but if they don't, I hope you'll have some support IRL and come to a point where you're comfortable in your transition and not have to worry as much about it anymore.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
15 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

I'm overweight. He recommended that I lose about 30 lbs. I was doing so well before the pandemic because I was going to the gym regularly and I'd watch hockey there so I can go more consistently. I'm hoping that by having a deadline, it can motivate me more. And so I called earlier today to see if I could set a date. I was originally going to have an earlier date, but things have been pushed back. My date is in 3 months and I'm hoping I could lose about 10 lbs per month before the procedure. Even if I don't reach my goal, I'd still be happy to get better results than I would if my body is how it is now. Also, my therapist helped me with getting started on my name change process (it's about time).

 

I used to be genuinely worried that my mom would kick me out and my grandma threatened to disown me if I didn't change the name to what she wanted. Though, luckily my mom didn't and my relationship with her has improved. I haven't really told my grandma what exactly I'm changing my name to, she already knows my new name and she refuses to call me by it... but I gave her the okay to call me a shortened nickname of the closest masculine version of my birth name, which I do plan on having that as my middle name. I am privileged in the fact that using my mom's insurance helps me with my testosterone and would likely help with my top surgery coverage. Hopefully it'll cover a decent amount and I could afford the rest, or I might start a gofundme on social media (I'd want that to be a last resort though).

 

I'm really sorry to hear that about your family. Hopefully they'll come around someday, but if they don't, I hope you'll have some support IRL and come to a point where you're comfortable in your transition and not have to worry as much about it anymore.

Then I probably remembered the wrong face to you.  And I hear you on the gym thing.  I was doing practically 6 days of intense activity a week and now it's like maybe 2-3 moderate/light days?  It was one or none for the first month or so.  I probably returned to how much muscle I had pre-T, as my PBF has reverted.  I just weigh about 10 pounds over my pre-T weight right now, which isn't a lot.  I'm constantly complaining about how horrible my technique looks now.  Being raised by a perfectionist means that I'm going to constantly nitpick that I'm not getting better.  Regression is the worst thing to do.  And I'm taking a test that revolves around my technique!

 

I thought of the possibility of getting kicked out too because my anxiety was telling me that I wasn't exactly how my parents wanted could never yield good results.  I would later think, my parents don't change, so they wouldn't kick me out regardless of what I did.  I would even say I could commit a serious crime and they'd probably just sit me down for a talk, as long as I didn't commit murder or something.  My cousin also told me that my parents are all bark no bite.  So they would never actually follow through with kicking me out because they find it worse to have to explain to friends and family why they kicked me out.  Usually they would have to fabricate a lie too to keep their reputation.  So that's more effort than just letting me stay.

 

But you never really know how someone will think until you get to it.  In my gaming group, I thought this redneck guy from Texas who loves guns would be all transphobic about me and this other girl.  He said his wife is bisexual.  Some other guy from Idaho seemed very cishet.  I think he's more on the side of "you do you", but he did make one transphobic joke at both of us probably because it was something he heard previously.  I think he meant it as a general poking fun insult, but just happened to be a transphobic one rather than something else, like say, someone's short and short jokes were happening.  The teenager I said, his family is deeply religious.  I kind of wondered whether all his family's love would just evaporate due to transphobia.  But obviously it didn't.  I think his faith might even be as strong as ever because he has one of those "He > I" stickers on his laptop.  There's another friend online that I hadn't talked to in years.  She was religious also.  The previous week she reached out to me and said everything is fine.  I feel good right now that two people from my past have accepted me in the past month.

My birth nickname is neutral, which is fine.  But I feel weird using it now because I don't get called it on a regular basis anymore.

 

I'll probably tell my parents that my friend from kindergarten and I reconnected.  I doubt that would change their phobia though.  But maybe it'd get them to see that they're being transphobic bigots for not accepting my identity in any form.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two days ago, my supervisor told me my final evaluation because my internship ends next week.

It was a nice conversation. She tried to encourage me to take up my own future and not be controlled by my father.

Everything was so encouraging until she said "Become a capable [....]".

In my mind, I was like 'let's replace that word with person, A capable person, let's ignore that she just said that word.' 😅

I can't blame her, she doesn't know my gender identity.

However, every time I remember it, I get gender disphoric because it's been a while since someone gendered me.

and of all words, it's the one I dislike the most but it's also the one I hear the least (thankfully).

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just, random dysphoria days. The days when you are just a slight dysphoric mess and you don’t wanna leave the house but you kinda have to and you just know you don’t pass so you stress over it and... yeah. Those days suck. Today was one of those days. It couldn’t have been yesterday, when I didn’t have to leave the house, no, it had to be today. 
 

...I can’t wait to be able to start transitioning and coming out and stuff.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Interference

my binder arrived! but i can't wear them because isolation. 

 

maybe once i get better, i can wear it. so hyped >>

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
Grey-Ace Ventura

It's the weirdest thing being trans. When I look in the mirror, I see a guy even though I'm pre-T and don't pass, but whenever I go somewhere and get misgendered, I'm still somewhat surprised.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

My sister showed me a new feature on Snapchat today, in which you can distort your face inte looking like the other gender or younger etc.

 

My sister looked exactly like me when she made the app show her like a man.

However, I looked like a doll with too much make-up when the app was supposed to make me look like a woman. What kind of norms are behind that?

I do wish I could look more like my sister.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

It's the weirdest thing being trans. When I look in the mirror, I see a guy even though I'm pre-T and don't pass, but whenever I go somewhere and get misgendered, I'm still somewhat surprised.

I don’t know how, I’ve been on T for a couple years and for some reason, I still don’t pass sometimes. I used to, and it’s making me paranoid like, is it my hair? My hips? My voice? I literally have a beard now (even though it is covered by a mask). It makes me feel super uncomfortable.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

I don’t know how, I’ve been on T for a couple years and for some reason, I still don’t pass sometimes. I used to, and it’s making me paranoid like, is it my hair? My hips? My voice? I literally have a beard now (even though it is covered by a mask). It makes me feel super uncomfortable.

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about it too much.  Even cisgender people get misgendered once in a while.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
15 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

I don’t know how, I’ve been on T for a couple years and for some reason, I still don’t pass sometimes. I used to, and it’s making me paranoid like, is it my hair? My hips? My voice? I literally have a beard now (even though it is covered by a mask). It makes me feel super uncomfortable.

I feel like it's a lot of genetics.  I once was talking to someone online who said that they were on a good about of T and they still weren't passing even after 2 years.  I was surprised that T wasn't giving enough effects.  They even said that their voice didn't drop all too much, which I thought would be just about definite.  With masks, it's hard to accentuate our masculine features when most of it is under one.  I do have some facial hair on my upper lip and chin but they're not noticeable enough to make that much of a difference.  My face has become more angled but I still think it's not in the distinctly masculine range.  This is more minor so that it doesn't really affect me.  I never found face shape, eye shape, nose shape, etc. to be that gendered to me so I don't feel euphoric out of having masculine features.  I think as long as my hair is short, I shouldn't get misgendered.  That's what caused me to pass more than half the time in the first place.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@nerdperson777 It seems to be a hit or a miss. Though, I've only recently grown out my beard because I figured "why not" because of quarantine. And... I think it looks good on me. I've been thinking about getting a new hairstyle to go along with it. I had an undercut and grew the top to see if I could sport a man bun. I think so, but I want to try something new. Besides, I feel like it has gotten too long for me whenever I wash my hair. I'm thinking about getting a cut like this so my curls can still be defined and not too short (not too sure if I want the bottom part that shaved):

 
 
0
 Advanced issue found
 
 
Spoiler

12362216_471713786367705_410171419_n.jpg

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Interference

well, it's been a few days, i'm improving slowly, and for some reason my parents sent me my binder alongside some snacks.

 

it felt... nice. like, i don't get the massive wave of euphoria that makes me wanna cry, it just felt like 'huh, that looks good'. it's probably a bit too large though, as i can feel the lower end of the compression garment dangling beyond my chest. i have a big chest too [and body in general compared to my height], so it's not fully flat, but it's flat enough that my bf is impressed with it.

 

Before binding (wearing a nice flowy dress because tropics) :

Spoiler

Front:

20200615_195022.jpg

 

Side:

20200615_195053.jpg

 

After (same dress, a few minutes and a lunch catering later):

Spoiler

Front:

20200615_195125.jpg

 

Side:

20200615_195158.jpg

 

I posted a [semi] revealed face here, if you're interested.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Grey-Ace Ventura

I was reading a story that started with two guys as kids, and it just made me really sad about my childhood. I should be looking to the future, but I'm just sad that I never got to grow up as a boy and have experiences like the guys in that story, which is stupid because I did the things the other boys did when I was younger, but it's just not the same as having grown up as one.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
23 hours ago, SkyWorld said:

@nerdperson777 It seems to be a hit or a miss. Though, I've only recently grown out my beard because I figured "why not" because of quarantine. And... I think it looks good on me. I've been thinking about getting a new hairstyle to go along with it. I had an undercut and grew the top to see if I could sport a man bun. I think so, but I want to try something new. Besides, I feel like it has gotten too long for me whenever I wash my hair. I'm thinking about getting a cut like this so my curls can still be defined and not too short (not too sure if I want the bottom part that shaved):

Spoiler
 
 
0
 Advanced issue found
 
 
  Reveal hidden contents

12362216_471713786367705_410171419_n.jpg

 

I feel like I like the idea of long hair, but not actually having long hair.  My DnD characters lately have been non-binary people with semi-long hair because I like the androgyny of it.  I had tried growing my hair out right before realizing my gender because so many cis female friends over the years had suggested that I grow out my hair.  Hair touching my shoulders felt really weird.  That was the longest it ever got.  I'm not really one who cares about hair a lot so I just need something short and simple.  I just used clippers on myself last night because I was suffocating in my hair due to my heat tolerance being very low now.  My sides are smooth and stimmy but I can't really tell the top of my head, especially the back so it probably looks horrible.  It already felt weird before cut because whenever I washed my hair, water was dripping down my back a lot when I got out of the shower.  It wasn't even actual long and all that water was annoying me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I just now read an article about a doctor who said that around 5% of us feels neither or both as male and/or female.

He said we should step down from the idea of everyone being male or female. If we put impose this idea on children, it will bring a lot of young people into trouble.  

Unfortunately I can't read the whole article 'cause I'm not subscribed to this news paper. However, I like what he said in the summary.

I agree with his statement. From experience, this idea has brought me quite a lot of trouble.

However and again, I also read people's comments. (I shouldn't have done that). They weren't nice and surprisingly they all seem to be old men.

Honestly, I got irritated. I don't get their problem. They think people invent new gender identities so they can act like special snowflakes.

Even if there was someone who sounded like he wouldn't mind it, he'll never accept it as normal.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Interference

it seems like i have two transition goals: 

1. keep my chub, but add on muscle on top of it - swole wrestler ish style

2. lose chub and all and become a lithe androgynous person

 

and it sucks. a lot.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

sigh. intro'd to a large group (on zoom) as "she" by someone that has been fully aware (and respectful, positive?) of the gender identity and transition.

 

10 months on T and I'm like… fine, OK, guess I'm still a female. Maybe I'll just be a female with a beard or whatever. Feels like I don't have dysphoria about it… just not giving an F anymore, idk.

Go with whatever perception of me works for you, I don't feel like getting people to switch language around if they're not feeling it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
nerdperson777
On 6/17/2020 at 6:01 PM, Interference said:

it seems like i have two transition goals: 

1. keep my chub, but add on muscle on top of it - swole wrestler ish style

2. lose chub and all and become a lithe androgynous person

 

and it sucks. a lot.

Makes me think of my legs.  I have a "male" and "female" leg.  My left leg has become stronger than my right because I injured my right leg.  On T, my then both "female" legs were just curvy legs that got bulkier.  That's muscle on top of chub.  Then I had surgery on my right leg and it withered down to almost no muscle.  I built that leg back up from scratch on T so that it's mostly muscle.  The reason for my "male" and "female" legs is because my right leg is straighter from testosterone while my left leg is curvier from estrogen.  I constantly asked my surgeon and his medical assistants if my legs would balance out, and they said yes.  But now I'm thinking, probably not, because it's based on the assumption that a patient's dominant hormone hasn't changed.  I guess that's how I'm living up my non-binary life.

 

22 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

not giving an F anymore, idk.

I imagined that as throwing out the female F, not wanting it anymore.

 

 

Earlier, my coach was asking me why I always go to her for advice.  I could easily ask the owner of the studio, the manager, our trustworthy teen coach, and this one other senior coach.  I was trying to think why.  I could only think, she knows my history, my thought process, she understands me.  I don't tend to understand myself sometimes because we used to be close friends, until something happened and she kept her distance from me for a while, even if I was still around.  Then she started talking to me again for real.  I was having good feelings about her again, but I knew to keep my distance in order to not get hurt again.  I still have a soft spot for her, even though I know logically I know it's a bad idea.  But anyway, we had a history together, even if it's platonic.  I wasn't about to say in a group chat with our teen and one other guy that it's because she's trans.  There's an intersectionality in our identities of being trans and being abused by our family, and some other stuff that I never thought I'd have so much in common with someone.  The teen knows I'm trans but not the other guy. 

I stepped away for a moment to do the dishes and I thought about it.  It's actually way simpler than I thought.  I always preferred being in the presence of girls over guys growing up.  I mostly had female friends, only maybe one or two guy friends.  I guess I'm still kind of wary of guys, despite people thinking I'm a guy.  It's easier for me to talk to a girl than a guy.  When I took my driving test the first time, it was some old guy testing me.  On top of the humidity, the fact that I was tired after waiting 90 minutes, the proctor being a guy, I was nervous.  I felt more comfortable the second time when my proctor was a woman, but also I tend to do things better the second time when I've had the first experience already.  All four of those people she said I could talk to were (cis) guys.  Even if we aren't exactly friends anymore, she's probably the closest girl to me right now.  My actual friends outside of the school, we actually haven't been talking regularly, maybe every couple days or weeks.  I guess I talk to my roommate but we're not that close.  So basically the girl I talk to the most isn't even really a friend.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...