Trans Musings & Rantings

[Guest]

20 hours ago, ColeHW said:

(Hugs)

Thank you. 😟

 

And sadly, this isn't over yet. This is a neighbor's kid, so I run into her from time to time. I'm gonna have to have a little talk with her the next time I see her... 

[no-longer-in-use]

My step-grandparents seem to be accepting of my gender, but they continually misgendered me today... I know these things take time, but it's frustrating when people forget that I didn't just change my name for the heck of it---I'm actually not a girl.

[anisotrophic]

On 5/31/2019 at 10:26 PM, anisotrophic said:

Probably what actually happens is they're super nice, and don't give me resistance, and I'll feel silly

I did feel silly - it went fine! They use an informed consent process.

I did feel pressured to play up a story of dysphoria a bit -- I don't have much, or I expect I would've transitioned sooner in life. Not a lot of exaggeration though. Emphasized that I'd always felt nonconformist, increasingly uncomfortable with my birth gender, imagining a different face for myself in the mirror. No issues on the hair.

So in a couple of weeks, if my physical tests are good, I'm pretty sure I'll be getting the prescription!

I think I'll start with low dose and see how it goes -- but I know this mainly makes it all slower. I wonder if I'll get impatient. Seeing the discussion about voice changes, I'm hoping for that to change... everything to change. Well, I can always ask to increase it.

[anisotrophic]

PS to add: I'm 90% excited 10% anxious. I posted my anxiety in the sexual partners forum. I liked what @Serran and @AceMissBehaving said about the confidence they've seen transition give people... and I'm reassured, I can sense that's likely to happen, I'm looking forward to it.

 

And many thanks to everyone here, @nerdperson777, @Morgan123, @Mezzo Forte and others -- I'm sorry I took until now to come back to this, but everything you wrote at the time was also reassuring, I really appreciate it.

[Guest]

I have a question. 

 

Is it really that much of a confidence boost to transition? I guess that it depends on the person, but I was just wondering. Confidence in one's body seems to elude a lot of people, regardless of their gender identity. 

 

As someone who is non-binary but has decided to not transition, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do now. Even though hormones and surgery were not for me, I'm wondering what the next step is... 

[Jinkx]

4 minutes ago, Just Dani said:

I have a question. 

 

Is it really that much of a confidence boost to transition? I guess that it depends on the person, but I was just wondering. Confidence in one's body seems to elude a lot of people, regardless of their gender identity. 

 

As someone who is non-binary but has decided to not transition, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do now. Even though hormones and surgery were not for me, I'm wondering what the next step is... 

That's something I've sort of been wondering myself. Like, even if I get a hysto and top surgery, I don't feel like it will drastically improve my body image/confidence...? I definitely feel they are a necessity for me, but I'm not expecting to... not hate myself and my body after I get them? I suspect therapy is a better route to deal with self-esteem issues, though I know for me I've felt this way for so long that I'm almost attached to my lack of self-esteem and confidence.

[Karst]

As for the hair thing, mine is so thick that it was physically difficult to wash when it was long.  It's much easier to keep clean now that it's short.

I do my own haircuts, which is definitely not for everyone.  It took a few iterations to get right, but I love the feeling of control over my own appearance.

[ColeHW34]

6 minutes ago, Just Dani said:

I have a question. 

 

Is it really that much of a confidence boost to transition? I guess that it depends on the person, but I was just wondering. Confidence in one's body seems to elude a lot of people, regardless of their gender identity. 

 

As someone who is non-binary but has decided to not transition, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do now. Even though hormones and surgery were not for me, I'm wondering what the next step is... 

Well technically from my view if you want for something that you need for a very long time and anxiety builds and builds and once the day comes all that stress or most of it comes off.

As for appearance wise just look at the obvious and use change blindness to your advantage.

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, Jinkx said:

That's something I've sort of been wondering myself. Like, even if I get a hysto and top surgery, I don't feel like it will drastically improve my body image/confidence...? I definitely feel they are a necessity for me, but I'm not expecting to... not hate myself and my body after I get them? I suspect therapy is a better route to deal with self-esteem issues, though I know for me I've felt this way for so long that I'm almost attached to my lack of self-esteem and confidence.

I was wondering about that as well. I mentioned before on AVEN about going for hormones and scheduling my first surgery for earlier this year, but deciding in the end to not start hormone therapy nor go through surgery. Part of the reason why I changed my mind was the doubt as to whether or not the surgery would help improve the confidence I have in my body (or the lack there of...) I realize that some people DO get that confidence boost, though. 

 

Not to knock therapy, for it has helped me in a lot ways, but the one area I noticed a lack of improvement for me was the confidence in my own body (I spent four years as an outpatient at the local eating disorder clinic, by the way, so I know what it's like to get therapy that's focused on body issues). 

 

To this day, I still struggle with body image. Maybe you have a good point there, @Jinkx. I'm so used to feeling insecure about my body. Maybe I've become somehow attached to that... 

 

12 minutes ago, ColeHW said:

Well technically from my view if you want for something that you need for a very long time and anxiety builds and builds and once the day comes all that stress or most of it comes off.

As for appearance wise just look at the obvious and use change blindness to your advantage.

"Change blindness"? 🤔

[ColeHW34]

3 minutes ago, Just Dani said:

"Change blindness"? 🤔

Change blindness is when people can't detect minor to moderate changes easily.

It's great for pranking people too.

[Guest]

58 minutes ago, ColeHW said:

Change blindness is when people can't detect minor to moderate changes easily.

It's great for pranking people too.

I see. But how do I use it to my advantage exactly? 

[ColeHW34]

16 minutes ago, Just Dani said:

I see. But how do I use it to my advantage exactly? 

By making subtle changes like not keeping nails as long, cut hair a little bit more like maybe 1 1/2 of an inch to 3 inches each time you visit the haircut place, less or more tight clothes, or use more and more neutral colors, etc.

 

Not too obvious to most unless your dealing with Sherlock holmes esque intuitive people like me.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, ColeHW said:

By making subtle changes like not keeping nails as long, cut hair a little bit more like maybe 1 1/2 of an inch to 3 inches each time you visit the haircut place, less or more tight clothes, or use more and more neutral colors, etc.

 

Not too obvious to most unless your dealing with Sherlock holmes esque intuitive people like me.

Ah, I get it. 

 

Too bad I'm not all that subtle, though. When it comes to changes, I kind of go a bit drastic. Long hair to short hair. Short, plain nails to purple, sparkly manicure. And some of my wardrobe choices have caused the odd stir or two. 😛

[Jinkx]

1 hour ago, Just Dani said:

Too bad I'm not all that subtle, though. When it comes to changes, I kind of go a bit drastic. Long hair to short hair. Short, plain nails to purple, sparkly manicure. And some of my wardrobe choices have caused the odd stir or two. 😛

Meeeee. 😂

 

My wardrobe rarely changes, though. 

[nerdperson777]

On 7/17/2019 at 4:31 PM, Just Dani said:

I have a question. 

 

Is it really that much of a confidence boost to transition? I guess that it depends on the person, but I was just wondering. Confidence in one's body seems to elude a lot of people, regardless of their gender identity. 

 

As someone who is non-binary but has decided to not transition, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do now. Even though hormones and surgery were not for me, I'm wondering what the next step is... 

Well, there are many different ways to transition.  The biggest ones are medical and social.  I can never consistently remember what the other ones are.  But also transition can in general be a way to reinvent yourself, experiment and see what stuff you like.  As I've heard from others, do things that give you euphoria, not just those that decrease or get rid of dysphoria.

 

For me personally, I'm more masculine leaning so my transition does feel binary.  Given a binary, I'd choose male any day.  I like most male aesthetics, including short hair, ties, suits (although I never had one), thicker material on clothes, etc.  I think I'm taking a regular or half dose of hormones.  Then I do want top surgery.  The only reason I want bottom is so I don't get subjected to violating pap smears anymore, nothing about actually hating my internal stuff.  But emotionally, hormones have made me way better than I've ever been.  I was that shy girl who couldn't do anything on her own, needed parents' help and approval for everything.  I was totally dependent on them, and even if they say they wanted me to be independent, the way they interacted me showed that they needed me to be dependent for them to have power.  I was afraid of everything.  I still am, but at least I'm more comfortable in my own body.  I'm way more confident and happier now.

 

On 7/17/2019 at 4:38 PM, Jinkx said:

That's something I've sort of been wondering myself. Like, even if I get a hysto and top surgery, I don't feel like it will drastically improve my body image/confidence...? I definitely feel they are a necessity for me, but I'm not expecting to... not hate myself and my body after I get them? I suspect therapy is a better route to deal with self-esteem issues, though I know for me I've felt this way for so long that I'm almost attached to my lack of self-esteem and confidence.

That could be a possible outcome, but I'm thinking about feelings possibly changing in the process.  From what I heard, hysto won't feel much different.  But for top, I'm expecting that I would feel insecure that my chest is finally socially acceptable.  I don't think I would just flip a switch and BOOM CONFIDENCE.  I'm not even sure that I'll ever be shirtless after surgery.  Also, my belly comes out farther than my chest right now, so I'm just going to look like I have a beer belly.  My chest probably matches my belly right now in terms of how "natural" it looks.  I just look like I have moobs that fit the belly.  I've heard in a group that someone felt worse after surgery because now their belly was in plain view.

 

I can totally feel the attachment to lack of self-esteem and confidence.  I'm used to facts, things that don't change.  I know I've had depression for a few years.  Well, I was told a few years ago.  When do I know that I don't have it anymore?  I'm happier than I used to be, but now I have the stress of being low income in one of the places in America with the highest cost of living.  This certainly can't be related to gender since I'm male-presenting at work.  I'm sure my wage isn't lower because of gender inequality since I'm not seen as female.  I also only get a raise every year or so at random times.  But anyway, I grew up with a lack of confidence.  I was the smallest and youngest in just about every class.  All my parents really did was yell at me, probably mostly overdone so I was too traumatized to fight back.  If I ever have real confidence, it's all logically calculated.  I must have like 90% confidence in my ability.  Not being confident is in my personality.  How can I just let it go?  Depression tells me that I can't tell the difference between lazy and tired anymore.

[Guest]

@nerdperson777 I think it's awesome that you're more confident and happier now. 🙂

 

Things that give me euphoria, huh? I'm gonna have to think about that one... I just keep thinking about how unhappy I am in the body that I'm in and ways that I can lessen the dysphoria. I don't regret not taking the hormones or going for the surgery, but I need to make peace with the decision that I've made. Apparently that's a lot easier said than done... 😑

[Karst]

The problem, for me, with the whole "confidence boost from transitioning" thing is that I need to get my courage up to do it properly.  I need the initial stage of the rocket before I can use the rest of it.

I'm much more scared of social rejection than I am of physical harm.  For me, fear can honestly be worse than pain.

[Janus the Fox]

The confidence boost is more... comfortability in and during a transition for me.  I only am able to partially transition, there’s no medical transition option due to various medical conditions.  But, just the small changes like hair length, growing nails, shaving/bathing using fem products, letting the fem self behave naturally, excercise and adopt a diet similar to that for fems in my culture and cross dressing when able, even if it’s mostly in private.  Even when not actively female out and about, some do call me she or love on occasion, I don’t correct that because that’s accurate to my open self-attitude to pronouns.

[Ms. Carolynne]

I ran out of razors so I have to put up with stubble until I get some more. One odd thing I've noticed is I'm treated a bit differently when I have stubble, I get sired and the tone people talk to me with seems to be a bit different, they come across as dry. This is mostly with strangers, since I work fast food and it's my interactions with the customers. I guess it makes me look more mature, but I'm uncomfortable with it and it throws me off. People seem to be a little more gender neutral towards me when I'm clean shaven, but when I have visible facial hair it seems I get treated in a more gendered way and I don't like it.

[Destan]

(Please tag me instead)

I went shopping with my mother and sister. 😕

This usually means I can't go to my desired department, but today my sister kept her busy while letting me go there.

My parents aren't so keen about me going to the boys section, but they let the trousers& shorts slide because they fit perfectly so that's okay..

I saw some formal shirts but I didn't buy them so I took pictures. After paying for shorts, I went down downstairs to my sister and mother.

 

*note: women clothes are always at the ground floor and the men& kids section at the 1st floor

I showed the pictures to my mother and she asked if they were from upstairs. I tried to avoid answering that but in the end, I said yes.

She got mad and said I can't get my clothes there anymore. I don't listen to that anyways.

It's not like she can stop me, the clothes I wore today were from that exact section.  However, it still hurts when she says that. 😕

 

Shopping for me isn't really that fun, I always get sad looking at the men section. It's upsetting that I don't fit in adult sizes, I turn 20 y/o in two months and I still have to wear clothes for teenagers instead. (No wonder people think I'm 14)

[nerdperson777]

@Destan Yeah, trying to buy men's shirts and my neck size isn't even on the list.  How do people even have 20 inch necks?  I can wear S from the men's section now.  I don't remember if I was XS before.  If you have a Uniqlo nearby, you may be able to get some shirts in small enough sizes.  I remember seeing a meme comparing how we look at age 20 and cis guys.  The us at age 20 was a teen with soft features and the cis one was so much angles and muscles.  I do look like I go to high school even if I've graduated college for a few years already.  For the place I teach at, classes tend to be grouped by Monday/Wednesday and Tuesday/Thursday at least for weekdays.  I teach the Mondays and a buff high school kid does Wednesday.  One day he asked me to cover for his shift so he could attend his graduation.  I told one class that and one kid thought he was in college and I was in high school.

[Destan]

@nerdperson777 There's one in a big city that's 45 minutes drive from where I live. I don't go there often.

They usually have the extact same clothes I already had seen and they don't vary much with it either, but the quality is great. I like the store though, but yeah, it's far away and the prices aren't really cheap for a not-working student. 😅

[ElasticPlanet]

On 7/20/2019 at 6:51 PM, Ardoise said:

The problem, for me, with the whole "confidence boost from transitioning" thing is that I need to get my courage up to do it properly.  I need the initial stage of the rocket before I can use the rest of it.

This makes a lot of theoretical sense to me, but my experience was different. Not knowing what my endpoint would be made the initial stages easier, because I could slowly and cautiously look for a nonbinary presentation and build up my confidence as I went, doing more and more femme things. Never having to worry about jumping right across the binary to the far side.

 

12 hours ago, Destan said:

women clothes are always at the ground floor and the men& kids section at the 1st floor

That seems to be the thing in my part of the world too. But I feel differently about it. To me it's like, the most boring stuff is shoved away right at the back, as far from the front doors as it can go, because who'd be interested anyway if they weren't forced to wear this stuff just for personal safety? But that's just me. Anyway, I really hope you do find ways to spend more time there and get the clothes you need, to be yourself!

[Bloc]

2 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

This makes a lot of theoretical sense to me, but my experience was different. Not knowing what my endpoint would be made the initial stages easier, because I could slowly and cautiously look for a nonbinary presentation and build up my confidence as I went, doing more and more femme things. Never having to worry about jumping right across the binary to the far side.

This. I am still not sure where it will lead me or if I want to take hormones someday. Is it okay to say that I started transitioning about a year ago when I  bought and wore femme clothes for the first time in public. I haven't changed name and only tried different pronouns in queer spaces.

[Destan]

10 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

 Anyway, I really hope you do find ways to spend more time there and get the clothes you need, to be yourself!

Thanks, I actually found some clothes I need but I still have a long way to go to change my whole closet.

[no-longer-in-use]

My grandma doesn't even make an effort with my pronouns. She uses my preferred name, but no matter how many times I correct her on pronouns and gendered words, there's never a response, and she continues to use she/her for me and call me a girl, madam, granddaughter, etc. It's very frustrating, and my dad and stepmom don't advocate for me or correct her at all. They mess up a lot too, but at least they make an effort.

 

I wish I could just not spend time with people who repeatedly misgender me, but due to familial obligation I'm forced to just grin and bear the constant mistakes.

[nerdperson777]

Just now, Coddiwomple said:

My grandma doesn't even make an effort with my pronouns. She uses my preferred name, but no matter how many times I correct her on pronouns and gendered words, there's never a response, and she continues to use she/her for me and call me a girl, madam, granddaughter, etc. It's very frustrating, and my dad and stepmom don't advocate for me or correct her at all. They mess up a lot too, but at least they make an effort.

 

I wish I could just not spend time with people who repeatedly misgender me, but due to familial obligation I'm forced to just grin and bear the constant mistakes.

I know waiting is hard, but I am probably 10 years older and I'm deciding not to go to family gatherings anymore, at least on my dad's side.  Even if they don't know I'm trans, and autistic, I get subject to traditional roles and misogyny, plus ableism.  I don't care if it's a family obligation anymore.  I'm not obliged to do anything if I don't get any respect.  I'm already of lower status because I'm AFAB, and my AMAB cousins can get away with things.  I also don't need to be told that my career is going nowhere and I should find a full time job that has all the benefits.  Unlike all of them, I don't have that much energy to be able to do that.  I'm already burning out right now and I'm working less hours than I used to.  Putting me through more work isn't going to make me better.  I'm barely surviving as it is.  Hope you can last.

[Light02]

3 minutes ago, Coddiwomple said:

My grandma doesn't even make an effort with my pronouns. She uses my preferred name, but no matter how many times I correct her on pronouns and gendered words, there's never a response, and she continues to use she/her for me and call me a girl, madam, granddaughter, etc. It's very frustrating, and my dad and stepmom don't advocate for me or correct her at all. They mess up a lot too, but at least they make an effort.

 

I wish I could just not spend time with people who repeatedly misgender me, but due to familial obligation I'm forced to just grin and bear the constant mistakes.

Omg, I kind of have the same problem right now! My mom is forcing me to go see my grandmother tomorrow but I don't want to because literally every time that she sees me she insults my appearance and specifically my short haircut, last time I even wore a dress as to placate her but she just said I "look like a man with boobs" 😰.  I'm not out to her so she's not misgendering me on purpose but she keeps telling me how terrible I look, how I should be more feminine and "more ladylike". It honestly bothers me so much, I don't want to hear that shit. But my mom said that since she always sends me money for my birthday I have an obligation to see her. Either that or I shouldn't take the money. I don't really know what to do in this case. So yeah, I understand how you feel, shit sucks 🙃.

[no-longer-in-use]

10 minutes ago, nerdperson777 said:

I know waiting is hard, but I am probably 10 years older and I'm deciding not to go to family gatherings anymore, at least on my dad's side.  Even if they don't know I'm trans, and autistic, I get subject to traditional roles and misogyny, plus ableism.  I don't care if it's a family obligation anymore.  I'm not obliged to do anything if I don't get any respect.  I'm already of lower status because I'm AFAB, and my AMAB cousins can get away with things.  I also don't need to be told that my career is going nowhere and I should find a full time job that has all the benefits.  Unlike all of them, I don't have that much energy to be able to do that.  I'm already burning out right now and I'm working less hours than I used to.  Putting me through more work isn't going to make me better.  I'm barely surviving as it is.  Hope you can last.

Yeah... I don't have many old, unaccepting relatives left at this point anyway, so by the time I'm old enough to choose whether or not to visit them, they might be dead anyway. Your strategy of avoiding judgy family sounds like a good idea. Hang in there! ❤️

 

3 minutes ago, Light02 said:

Omg, I kind of have the same problem right now! My mom is forcing me to go see my grandmother tomorrow but I don't want to because literally every time that she sees me she insults my appearance and specifically my short haircut, last time I even wore a dress as to placate her but she just said I "look like a man with boobs" 😰.  I'm not out to her so she's not misgendering me on purpose but she keeps telling me how terrible I look, how I should be more feminine and "more ladylike". It honestly bothers me so much, I don't want to hear that shit. But my mom said that since she always sends me money for my birthday I have an obligation to see her. Either that or I shouldn't take the money. I don't really know what to do in this case. So yeah, I understand how you feel, shit sucks 🙃.

That's horrible, you shouldn't have to listen to that. I hope both of our grandmothers come around... it can be difficult to change elderly people's ingrained ways of thinking.

[DarkStormyKnight]

Feeling the fam struggle, it's harddd......

I've tried to explain trans things to my parents a couple times but they just don't seem to get it and I honestly just feel drained afterwards.

 

Hopefully they'll all come around! It isn't on us to make everyone cool they eventually just got to do it themselves.