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Anthracite_Impreza

@Neutral nerd @Taylor Lilith Thank you both for your replies; I'm sorry for the shit you're both going through too. I need to get in contact with the clinic and let them know I'm not stalling because I've changed my mind, just that I have this issue. While a lot of people are and have been supportive, there's always this air of "aww, poor baby" or "everyone else manages it without this fuss" about it. It's really not funny, I wish people would realise that.

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6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

@Neutral nerd @Taylor Lilith Thank you both for your replies; I'm sorry for the shit you're both going through too. I need to get in contact with the clinic and let them know I'm not stalling because I've changed my mind, just that I have this issue. While a lot of people are and have been supportive, there's always this air of "aww, poor baby" or "everyone else manages it without this fuss" about it. It's really not funny, I wish people would realise that.

You're welcome ^_^.  But yeah, I've seen bunches and bunches of tests of "How OCD are you?" of which I often have problems with where I sometimes snap and comment talking about washing your hands for exactly 20 seconds under boiling hot water, counting the number of times you counted to 5 perfectly, throwing away food and going hungry because one of the purple goldfish's face's was facing left, or throwing away cookies even if all the M&Ms were the same color because one "m" was facing up.  I've literally gone hungry because of OCD even tho every fiber of my being was screaming for nutrition, I couldn't, it wasn't right or the general ;thought that I was going straight to hell for not making my bed absolutlely perfect.  When I bring this stuff up it gets laugh reacts, when I bring this up in person people will either laugh to try and break how f**ked that sounds or just laugh because what I just described was ridiculously, over-the-top absurd to most people and they find it hysterical.  I've even had people mess things up of mine and laugh as I struggled to fix it and not have a panic attack in public because it's funny? 

 

What it boils down to is, I won't do that to another person.  It's wrong.  I won't insult you because you struggle with something that most people don't struggle with.  It's not funny and you can't fix it by laughing at people and telling they are wrong for being stressed or you know what I'm often told ... I just need to stop taking my medications and all my exposure therapy and go for a run every morning.  How can I not understand that big pharma is just trying to keep me controlled and tell me lies to keep me addicted to their system?  All you gotta do is run ... ( <- that'd be sarcasm ).

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I sometimes feel self conscious about my circle of friends, but not in an embarrassed kind of way.  I love my friends and I wouldn't replace them, that isn't the issue.


It's just that... most of my friends are almost exclusively female.  In hindsight, that doesn't bother me, but it was palpable how accustomed I am to being with women when I went out tonight with a few male acquaintances for dinner and drinks.  Two were cis, one was trans (the distinction is important).  I found it hard to relate to them, or talk about stuff with them, except the trans guy.  I expected to like the trans guy because... well... I can relate to him and it was easier to talk with him for that reason, but I couldn't say the same for the cis guys.  They were nice, but I felt unsure of how to interact or engage with them without being awkward.  I wasn't sure if my overall discomfort was due to past situations with men, or my lack of experience talking to men in general.  Being raised female put me at a disadvantage, and I didn't have a lot of male friends growing up either.  The ones I did have, I either treated badly due to my own bullshit at the time, or they left me high and dry.  So... you can imagine how on edge I feel, even when I know I'm not in danger.

 

I do have an attraction to guys, so I also feel guarded towards them, too.  If I'm interested in a woman, or someone female bodied at least, I am familiar with what to expect and can judge accordingly, because I lived as one.  If anything, I'm slower to become attracted to a girl because of how comfortable I am with them, versus I know immediately if I find a boy attractive.  With cis guys, it's a guessing game, and past experience tells me to be careful.  It's ingrained into my head to be cautious around them, as though they're a fucking bomb.  It's unnerving.  Because I know who I am and it's frustrating to feel disconnected to something that I identify with.  

 

I know plenty of cis guys regardless of sexuality have female friends, too, but I can't help but feel like my lack of experience with guys in general, despite being a trans guy, makes this whole scenario terrifying.  How could I ever navigate the world when it's cruel to men who are in touch with their feminine side?  How do I learn the language of talking and interacting with guys, while remaining true to myself?

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@vmdraco

I'm the same way, but I'm pretty sure it's because i used to have only cis guy friends and they all ended up leaving me because I ended up being "unfuckable"

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@vmdraco I was reading a post by a trans woman the other day about being envious of how feminine cis girls are feminine and someone replied something to the effect of,

 

"It's incredibly common for women to look at other women and be envious. Right now you're acting like a woman. This isn't about being trans. It's about being a woman."

 

And it really helped.  I'll offer you similar encouragement,

 

Not being man enough to be around other men is an incredibly common male fear. Perhaps part of this is about being raised female but you're acting just like the guy you are--trying to fit in with other men and being nervous about your masculinity. 

 

Every. single. guy. on this earth feels like you from time to time. I've been in locker rooms. I've been on the other end of the phone for guys.  Been in men's studies and while I never could understand how they felt, every single one of them expressed what you just expressed. 

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1 hour ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Perhaps part of this is about being raised female but you're acting just like the guy you are--trying to fit in with other men and being nervous about your masculinity. 

Definitely.  Where I teach martial arts, there is this teenage trans guy.  Even before he came out, I felt like he radiated so much confidence that I didn't have.  His family let him express him however he felt.  When I first met him, he had the short hair with the back length tail.  I had to ask other people if he was a guy even though his black belt said otherwise.  I thought that when he was figuring himself out and coming out, he could lose the support of his family because they were quite religious.  His parents asked our trans woman coach for advice, since she is basically the older generation of the community and has probably known about this stuff longer than the rest of us.  Next thing I know, he's gotten full support.  Although I have no idea what happens at his home, I have never heard anyone in his family stumble with his name or pronouns whenever I've seen him.  His sister said that [deadname] was a boy during class when he was questioning.  Even when he was confused, his family was there.  In comparison to me, my parents always made me self-doubt myself.  "Are you sure?"  "I need to know just in case someone asks."  It mattered more that my parents had their reputation and that it doesn't change. 

 

I think he started his transition almost right away.  He must've been like 12 when he came out.  He said that he was on estrogen blockers for a year or two before starting testosterone, which was still earlier than me, and I had to get it on my own.  His father is a doctor so he had access to all the resources he needed.  I took a look at him again earlier and I think he did have top surgery.  I can see his nipples through his shirt and he must've built up his chest.  I'm guessing that he had periaereolar since it didn't look like nipple grafts to me.  The owner of the place has a "Coach of the Month" thing to give us more incentive to be better I guess.  That guy is the current coach of the month.  He shows so much confidence, while teaching or taking class, that I doubt anyone would know he's trans from the way he acts.  He might even act a bit ignorant at times but no one doubts that he's a guy.  Then there's me.  Of course I'm not binary but the lack of support shows in the way I act.  I don't have that confidence when I teach.  I just hope I'm teaching the stuff correctly.  I hope my student understands my explanation.  I'm so nervous teaching, especially with the kids, who he can control so well.  I feel like lately the other coaches have somehow managed to call me the wrong name or pronouns after a long flawless streak.  I then have to wonder if I'm losing my confidence or what am I doing wrong?  Am I acting less masculine so that people are able to figure me out?  The other day the coach I was assisting accidentally said she and he just coughed really long and awkwardly afterwards.  And a coach is supposed to be confident.  I haven't achieved that.  At least when we played soccer hockey and I made a goal with the penalty shot when another coach said that I totally got it and I was like, I totally don't.  Somehow I managed to aim it just right, like a putt into a hole in golf, not too fast, but really accurate.

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15 hours ago, Roidgy said:

@vmdraco

I'm the same way, but I'm pretty sure it's because i used to have only cis guy friends and they all ended up leaving me because I ended up being "unfuckable"

lol MOOD, story of my life too my guy

 

12 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

@vmdraco I was reading a post by a trans woman the other day about being envious of how feminine cis girls are feminine and someone replied something to the effect of,

 

"It's incredibly common for women to look at other women and be envious. Right now you're acting like a woman. This isn't about being trans. It's about being a woman."

 

And it really helped.  I'll offer you similar encouragement,

 

Not being man enough to be around other men is an incredibly common male fear. Perhaps part of this is about being raised female but you're acting just like the guy you are--trying to fit in with other men and being nervous about your masculinity. 

 

Every. single. guy. on this earth feels like you from time to time. I've been in locker rooms. I've been on the other end of the phone for guys.  Been in men's studies and while I never could understand how they felt, every single one of them expressed what you just expressed. 

This made my day.  Thank you for validating my thoughts.  That makes a lot of sense :)

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13 minutes ago, vmdraco said:

This made my day.  Thank you for validating my thoughts.  That makes a lot of sense :)

You are welcome.  I think often times we get so caught up on being trans that we forget to think that maybe we are actually having problems associated with being male/female/other,

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@vmdraco I'm absolutely the same way. Except for me it's probably worse 'cause I have a borderline phobia of (cis) men. It's because of trauma stuff but still, I'm terrified of talking to or even being around men for longer periods of time. 95% of my friends are girls and I have a few enby friends. When I was a child I tried being friends with boys but they're so... mean and rude. I can't deal with the way men insult each other as a joke and as a sign of friendship, I break down when people make fun of me (again, because of trauma stuff). That's why I'm a 1000000% more comfortable around women and I'm a huge fan of theirs. 😂 They're way nicer. I also relate to the way they think a lot more but maybe that's an enby/me thing.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I actually tend to get on better with boys/men more than girls/women, though considering my past there could be some lingering trauma there? I don't know, in my experience girls have been the nasty ones, boys have been more fun (even if more dirty with it), which suits me down to the ground. I don't mind a bit of piss taking, I can give and take it, I can keep up with innuendos and I'm quite good at re-focussing college and immature boys back on task (plenty of experience). I used to hate getting paired with girls 'because I was one too'; that's such a lazy and stereotype-ridden method.

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The-world-is-quiet-here

Does anyone have like..... unintentional transdar? Like gaydar but for trans people? I swear one of my friends is cis (and straight) at this point. Almost all of my friends are online, and most of them use they pronouns. It's not that I want to be friends with people because they're trans, but I think once you have things in common with them, it's a lot easier to relate, especially if they're not cis. 

 

It's also funny cause I forget being trans and having so many LGBTQ friends isn't "normal" (in general. I've heard that LGBTQ people tend to flock together...). I recently became friends with this guy, and we were talking at this coffee shop about how he's starting T soon, and wearing binders and whatnot. And it was so cool, but it was also weird to think that a lot of people... don't experience life like that, I guess, let alone gender stuff. 

 

I meant to make this short, but it turned kinda rambly haha. 

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13 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

Does anyone have like..... unintentional transdar? Like gaydar but for trans people? I swear one of my friends is cis (and straight) at this point. Almost all of my friends are online, and most of them use they pronouns. It's not that I want to be friends with people because they're trans, but I think once you have things in common with them, it's a lot easier to relate, especially if they're not cis. 

 

It's also funny cause I forget being trans and having so many LGBTQ friends isn't "normal" (in general. I've heard that LGBTQ people tend to flock together...). I recently became friends with this guy, and we were talking at this coffee shop about how he's starting T soon, and wearing binders and whatnot. And it was so cool, but it was also weird to think that a lot of people... don't experience life like that, I guess, let alone gender stuff. 

 

I meant to make this short, but it turned kinda rambly haha. 

Kinda, but I've only met a friend of a friend who is trans once. I do agree with LGBTQ people tend to flock together. I met my friends before I knew they aren't straight or they later discovered they aren't.

 

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I've this debate inside my head sometimes about whether or not to come out to people at school. The thing is I'm kinda sick of hearing my schoolmates using a certain pronouns I hate to refer to me and I'm in this chat-group that assumes there's only one gender so someone would say hey [gender] to refer to everyone. I'm trying to bear it with and at times I just want to confess it's not what it seems so they'll stop. But then again, I don't know if they're against trans people or not or the type of people who'll go in denial. I know I don't have to come out to everyone, but still it's hard. 😕

What would you do? Continue be silent or come out?

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22 hours ago, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

Does anyone have like..... unintentional transdar? Like gaydar but for trans people? I swear one of my friends is cis (and straight) at this point. Almost all of my friends are online, and most of them use they pronouns. It's not that I want to be friends with people because they're trans, but I think once you have things in common with them, it's a lot easier to relate, especially if they're not cis. 

 

It's also funny cause I forget being trans and having so many LGBTQ friends isn't "normal" (in general. I've heard that LGBTQ people tend to flock together...). I recently became friends with this guy, and we were talking at this coffee shop about how he's starting T soon, and wearing binders and whatnot. And it was so cool, but it was also weird to think that a lot of people... don't experience life like that, I guess, let alone gender stuff. 

 

I meant to make this short, but it turned kinda rambly haha. 

It's called a transceiver, I believe.  I love making not straight jokes all the time.  Usually my friends aren't cis.  The other day at the martial arts studio, we have a closet just for coaches and the woman who helped me socially transition was asked if she needed anything from the closet.  She said "I've been out of the closet."  I said that I didn't spend enough time in there.  When we hung out a lot before, we were just constantly validating each other's genders.  Like I would be great in a suit and she should get a bra kind of comments.

 

9 hours ago, Destan said:

Kinda, but I've only met a friend of a friend who is trans once. I do agree with LGBTQ people tend to flock together. I met my friends before I knew they aren't straight or they later discovered they aren't.

 

-                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    -

I've this debate inside my head sometimes about whether or not to come out to people at school. The thing is I'm kinda sick of hearing my schoolmates using a certain pronouns I hate to refer to me and I'm in this chat-group that assumes there's only one gender so someone would say hey [gender] to refer to everyone. I'm trying to bear it with and at times I just want to confess it's not what it seems so they'll stop. But then again, I don't know if they're against trans people or not or the type of people who'll go in denial. I know I don't have to come out to everyone, but still it's hard. 😕

What would you do? Continue be silent or come out?

That woman I mentioned has been called by another person an LGBT magnet.  She's the one who found out me and that teenage boy.  She has a straight trans guy friend.

 

In the start of a DnD game, the girl who was late said "hey gays".  I pointed out that only half of us were potentially gay.  The pansexual girl said that if we're talking about homosexual specifically, the first girl was the only one.  It was just us three and the pan girl's mostly cishet boyfriend.  She said she meant it as a gender neutral way for guys but that obviously backfired.

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On 9/25/2018 at 2:41 AM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I actually tend to get on better with boys/men more than girls/women, though considering my past there could be some lingering trauma there? I don't know, in my experience girls have been the nasty ones, boys have been more fun (even if more dirty with it), which suits me down to the ground. I don't mind a bit of piss taking, I can give and take it, I can keep up with innuendos and I'm quite good at re-focussing college and immature boys back on task (plenty of experience). I used to hate getting paired with girls 'because I was one too'; that's such a lazy and stereotype-ridden method.

Despite some deep-seated androphobia (in the sense of actual fear, of an actual phobia, not hatred) I do tend to gel better with the boy crowd. Growing up with brothers, and being naturally tomboyish, boys are familiar to me. I’m also used to the stupid, crude jokes, and feel like getting razzed is their way of including and accepting you, albeit in their own, strange way.

 

I have nothing against girls, I’ll hang out with them. I have a sense of femininity, but I only recently got in touch with it, and even so, it doesn’t feel attached to “girl” to me. Just as masculinity doesn’t feel tied to “boy”, they’re just generally, intuitive feelings for me that I fluctuate between. But I’ve always felt out of place hanging out amongst them, and more recently I don’t like being assumed I’m “one of the girls” when hanging out with them (unless it’s just in a silly, ironic, sense).

 

And yeah, I hate gendered BS like that. That’s just stupid. But then again, having had social anxiety since the 1st grade, any group project, especially ones where weren’t assigned partners, are torture for me. I’d just be grateful I didn’t have to get up and “search” for someone to work with. *cringe* 😫

 

But the assumption/reasoning behind it would still irk me, for sure. Like, when something heavy needs to be lifted, and you hear someone say something along the lines of “Can we get some boys on this?” 

 

Yeah. Cue eye roll. 🙄

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On 9/23/2018 at 10:58 PM, Light02 said:

@vmdraco I'm absolutely the same way. Except for me it's probably worse 'cause I have a borderline phobia of (cis) men. It's because of trauma stuff but still, I'm terrified of talking to or even being around men for longer periods of time. 95% of my friends are girls and I have a few enby friends. When I was a child I tried being friends with boys but they're so... mean and rude. I can't deal with the way men insult each other as a joke and as a sign of friendship, I break down when people make fun of me (again, because of trauma stuff). That's why I'm a 1000000% more comfortable around women and I'm a huge fan of theirs. 😂 They're way nicer. I also relate to the way they think a lot more but maybe that's an enby/me thing.

Truth. I’m a bit androphobic as well, but mine surrounds more around the fear of physical confrontation.

 

Crude jokes or comments can definitely make me uncomfortable sometimes, but I can usually take it. Not afraid to call them out on it either.

 

But my brothers used to roughhouse with me a lot, and it was always painful and one-sided, with the intent to hurt and ostracize me. I remember joking, whenever I had to play dodgeball in PE, that it was really just about how good you are at flinching, which I was. *sigh*

 

But ironically, I am more at home with the male crowd. Stupid, sometimes hurtful comments might be a crude way of accepting me which is affirming, but I can’t deny that I’m on edge when I’m around them. 

 

But lately, I admit, I’d be cool with hanging with the girls because I don’t really have a history with them. Just have to be in the right “gender mood” so to speak.

 

Male? Yeah, I’m definitely pretty femme in that state. Hanging with the “boys” would feel like “testosterone poisoning”. Just acknowledge that although I’m being feminine, I’m not being a “girl”.

 

Tomboy? NOPE. Need my dudes. Hanging with the “girls” would feel like “estrogen poisoning”. Would feel too much like that’s what I’m “supposed to do”. 

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I hung out with girls most of the time actually.  I think I liked being the masculine one in the feminine group.  Mom kind of made me afraid of guys because they're stronger and can perform assault.  I have an inferiority complex that tells me that everyone else is better than me anyway so I'm afraid of everyone.  I never fit in with buff manly men since I'm far from any of those things.  Feminine guys I would get along with.  My high school guy friend was feminine enough that I could kind of tease him and he'd take it, just like how people would blame me for their problems at home.  After high school he came out as bi but mostly into men so it all made sense.  When he was a senior and I was a junior, he said he actually thought of asking me to prom since we hung out together so much but then decided against it because he knew we would more enjoy playing games together.  Maybe my aro ace vibes were showing even then.

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Anthracite_Impreza
On 9/26/2018 at 4:02 AM, The-world-is-quiet-here said:

Does anyone have like..... unintentional transdar? Like gaydar but for trans people? I swear one of my friends is cis (and straight) at this point. Almost all of my friends are online, and most of them use they pronouns. It's not that I want to be friends with people because they're trans, but I think once you have things in common with them, it's a lot easier to relate, especially if they're not cis. 

 

It's also funny cause I forget being trans and having so many LGBTQ friends isn't "normal" (in general. I've heard that LGBTQ people tend to flock together...). I recently became friends with this guy, and we were talking at this coffee shop about how he's starting T soon, and wearing binders and whatnot. And it was so cool, but it was also weird to think that a lot of people... don't experience life like that, I guess, let alone gender stuff. 

 

I meant to make this short, but it turned kinda rambly haha. 

This has been my life.

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Feeling bitter and down with a migraine today so here we go;

 

I went out of my way to move countries so I didn't have to get "The Exam" aka post-op, post-hormonal non-medical professional checking his list on me REALLY being transitioned "enough" to change my name legally (yes, this is europe), found out I'm able to change my title and name, but not my gender until a similar examination. Well done, system for tricking me into thinking I stood a chance. 

Not being able to go on HRT due to cancer history, not being "allowed" to get top surgery without HRT. Don't know if that's forever or not, no chance finding out. 
The heckin waiting list I was refused to go on for months, now it grew twice as long. Thanks, system! 

Trying to date regardless, but getting ghosted by everyone, gay guys don't want me bc of the body I don't even want, lesbians don't  want me bc I'm transitioning, straight guys don't want me bc I'm transitioning. And when one of those great people manage to get past my appearance they do a 180 because I'm asexual... Or turn out to be abusive and try to get what they want anyway. 

Honourable mentions: 
Trying to get into weightlifting as the noodly person I am. 
"No actually, it's Mr" on every appointment for anything I make. 
"No, really, a mens haircut appointment" with that girly voice I get when talking on the phone. 
Not finding the courage to come out to your new classmates, but instead getting wasted and running into the mens bathroom, waiting FOR THE ONE STALL just to throw up. 
Not wanting to come out to new people after overhearing a condescending conversation about one person ever asking for they/them pronouns. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

@Nøel That all sounds incredibly shit. Hopefully things will improve soon, politically, and we will stop having to "prove" our genders to every Tom, Dick and Harry we meet.

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I used to feel intense depression because the misery of living in a female body. My school has talks sometimes about mental health and stuff to promote awareness (although it never mentioned the problems faced by nonconformers 😕 ) and I'm really not looking forward to that. Knowing that surgery is an option helped me tremendously with the worst of the depression, but it is rather miserable being forced to sit and listen to people talking about how messed up life could/can get. 

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4 hours ago, Nøel said:

Feeling bitter and down with a migraine today so here we go;

 

I went out of my way to move countries so I didn't have to get "The Exam" aka post-op, post-hormonal non-medical professional checking his list on me REALLY being transitioned "enough" to change my name legally (yes, this is europe), found out I'm able to change my title and name, but not my gender until a similar examination. Well done, system for tricking me into thinking I stood a chance. 

Not being able to go on HRT due to cancer history, not being "allowed" to get top surgery without HRT. Don't know if that's forever or not, no chance finding out. 
The heckin waiting list I was refused to go on for months, now it grew twice as long. Thanks, system! 

Trying to date regardless, but getting ghosted by everyone, gay guys don't want me bc of the body I don't even want, lesbians don't  want me bc I'm transitioning, straight guys don't want me bc I'm transitioning. And when one of those great people manage to get past my appearance they do a 180 because I'm asexual... Or turn out to be abusive and try to get what they want anyway. 

Honourable mentions: 
Trying to get into weightlifting as the noodly person I am. 
"No actually, it's Mr" on every appointment for anything I make. 
"No, really, a mens haircut appointment" with that girly voice I get when talking on the phone. 
Not finding the courage to come out to your new classmates, but instead getting wasted and running into the mens bathroom, waiting FOR THE ONE STALL just to throw up. 
Not wanting to come out to new people after overhearing a condescending conversation about one person ever asking for they/them pronouns. 

First of all, if I may: *hug*

 

I'm sorry about what you're going through. :(  To go through all of that, only to have to wait even longer to get what you need. And to be ghosted by someone? I've never understood dating much myself. It sounds so hard, especially if you're in a special situation. Am there myself, starting to do some transitioning while also being ace. I don't know how people manage to date on top of that, but I commend them for doing it. I truly hope that you find someone nice and understanding who will treat you well. 🙂

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I just kind of need to vent...

 

Can I go longer than 24 hours without dysphoria? I'll have a day here and there, but it's at least in the background most of the time.

 

The other day I wasn't, and it was nice. Then yesterday things went back downhill.

 

Today's another bad day for it. I just feel painfully aware of my male body, and so uncomfortable. 

 

I really wish I could do something, but I don't know where to start, or how to pull it off in my current environment.

 

I really feel I can't continue on as I am now though. However I don't think I'd have a lot of support, and I feel nobody would accept me if I were to come out of the closet and transition.

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 hour ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

I just kind of need to vent...

 

Can I go longer than 24 hours without dysphoria? I'll have a day here and there, but it's at least in the background most of the time.

 

The other day I wasn't, and it was nice. Then yesterday things went back downhill.

 

Today's another bad day for it. I just feel painfully aware of my male body, and so uncomfortable. 

 

I really wish I could do something, but I don't know where to start, or how to pull it off in my current environment.

 

I really feel I can't continue on as I am now though. However I don't think I'd have a lot of support, and I feel nobody would accept me if I were to come out of the closet and transition.

Have you got any distractions? I use fiction, cars and trains; they give me a little while where I forget about my body and focus on someone else.

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I've been struggling with figuring out what the next step is for me. The name change has been done. Am seeing my doctor tomorrow. Not specifically about this, but about my anxiety. Which is actually tied to my body and gender, so in the end this will be brought up. Didn't feel like going into much detail with the doctor at the walk-in clinic yesterday. Holy crap, I've never seen a doctor with such poor bedside manner, yeesh... 😬

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Honestly I feel discouraged by my desire to want a mullet-like faux hawk.  Apparently it's a common hairstyle for butch lesbians, but I like... really want it.  Like idk, I just want that boyish look, you feel me???  But if it doesn't make me pass that well, then idk. 

 

I mean, come to think of it, I don't pass much in general anyway, so is there really a point to worrying?  Fuck it, faux hawk ftw

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 hours ago, vmdraco said:

Fuck it, faux hawk ftw

I had to read that three times.

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@vmdraco I feel ya. Hey, if want it that badly, then I say go for it! :D 

 

I, too, don't pass very well. It's like my body doesn't know that the hell it's supposed to be, and here I am left to deal with that. But I don't know what the hell I'm doing!! I've been pondering a new haircut, as mine is getting kinda long and driving me bonkers...

 

I don't wanna have the hair of a Stepford wife! NOOOO!!!! 😱😱😱 Why the hell does it do that?! Stop it! Bad hair! Bad! 

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Taylor Lilith

I've never really understood the whole gender questioning thing of "I always get along better with [ insert gendered group here ]".  It's something someone says when  they are questioning that I usually just ignore.  I've yet to see relevance to the situation when people are questioning and I have helped many many people find their genders.  Why does the gender you hang out with have to match the gender you are?  Fun fact, unless you are absorgender, your gender has nothing to do with the gender of the people you are around.  You may be able to understand women better if you are a woman but being a woman around men ..... will never make you a man.  Take it from a woman who was put in situations with men for her entire life.  Trying to socialize someone as a gender by putting them together .... never works. 

 

I don't really care what gender I am around.  I'm usually around men tho because kitchen work is usually a male field. It is really dirty language, however, given that I am involved in the kink community and that I spend my days off in breast forms, gaffs and dresses, I am much more capable of making the guys blush than them doing the same to me.  Cis gals say they could make me blush.  They have tried.  They have all failed.  I am good with dirty jokes and I am totally down to be .... tied down ;-).

 

Mixed company, all male company, all female company, all nonbinary company .... doesn't bother me in the slightest. 

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Taylor Lilith
18 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

I just kind of need to vent...

 

Can I go longer than 24 hours without dysphoria? I'll have a day here and there, but it's at least in the background most of the time.

 

The other day I wasn't, and it was nice. Then yesterday things went back downhill.

 

Today's another bad day for it. I just feel painfully aware of my male body, and so uncomfortable. 

 

I really wish I could do something, but I don't know where to start, or how to pull it off in my current environment.

 

I really feel I can't continue on as I am now though. However I don't think I'd have a lot of support, and I feel nobody would accept me if I were to come out of the closet and transition.

I feel the same.  Every morning when I wake up I'm reminded of what I was born with except it is getting to a bad time of year where my dysphoria skyrockets.  I couldn't sleep so i wrote some exposition on the subject.  This is Trans musings and rantings, right?  Have some trans musings and rantings.  The title is, "That Time of the Year"

 

Spoiler

It’s approaching that Time of the Year when people start talking about being thankful. The time of the year people start talking about family and togetherness and the love they’re specific rendition of the spaghetti monster in the sky chose to bestow upon mankind.

And I feel bad because I cannot reciprocate the thankfulness and love. All i feel is bitterness and resentment that hits a resounding crescendo on December 24th and that anger remains at triple forte until life finally hits the the double bar where my anger stops and life resets on January 2nd.

Why can’t I feel happy? Why do I look at a person ringing a bell asking for alms with unveiled contempt? A person I have never met.

 

What happened to the happiness I had before?

 

The questions are better answered with more questions.

 

How many people have I met with nowhere to go because their families disowned them? How many people-just like me-freeze to death because God’s own Salvation Army flung them into the freezing night because they were queer? How many times have I seen the trans suicide hotline shared? How many times did I see websites and phone numbers for someone to act like a surrogate parent because people’s parents cannot show their children common human decency unless the child grows up exactly as the parents had planned before the child was even born? How often did I see love and thankfulness be twisted into hatred and reasons to justify throwing people into the night to freeze and starve?

 

How many times did people say, “Happy Thanksgiving!” when I had no happiness or “Merry Christmas!’ when I was not merry and there was no Christ? How many people did I meet in mental hospitals who tried to kill themselves because they could not match the happiness required of them in the happiest time of the year?

 

How can I find happiness in this much pain?

 

I want to be happy. I want to be Merry, however, It’s that time of the year where I wake up crying every day wishing I hadn’t been born with a penis or worse yet wishing I hadn’t been born at all. What’s the point when love is being used to preach hate?

 

But as it Stands I can’t. I celebrate Thanksgiving the day before everyone else because there were times I couldn’t celebrate it with my friends and family because I tried to kill myself and spent it in the mental hospital with my broken compatriots instead,

 

I cannot be thankful in a time when love is used to hate.

 

Taylor Liilth 9/30/18

 

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