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1 hour ago, nerdperson777 said:

My sister tried to tell me I wasn't agender because I used logic which is CLEARLY a male only trait

talk about sexist. is she saying that she cant use logic because she's female? wow, way to generalize. and i'm good at math, doing the 2nd highest math level in 10th grade because its fun and easy to me. my gender has nothing to do with it, theres nothing wrong with having skills just because its not "feminine" or "masculine".

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4 minutes ago, Neutral nerd said:

talk about sexist. is she saying that she cant use logic because she's female? wow, way to generalize.

She literally has told me that she can be a Feminist and support Trump and everything he says.  She .... can't do like any logic or empathy at all.  Simple leaps of both are somehow beyond her.  I don't even know how she can function the way she is.

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1 hour ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Me neither but a lot of that conversation was how I was good at math therefore couldn't not be a male. My family is into the conservative end BIGLY ( see what I did there?) and they believe in a lot of over the top gender role BS.  I stopped drawing and didn't draw as well as I know I can now because I set an upper limit on my ability because I thought I was a man and men don't draw.  We're talking perverse gender roles.

 

Then they hate on BDSM for being abusive and manipulative.  First it's neither of those things and Second I chose that role, I chose to be a pet.  They only do these things because an ancient document told them to.  My sister and Mother balk under their husbands because they don't want that role but when someone puts themselves under that role--consensually--it's counter to scripture.  I don't understand how my family uses any rationle at all.  Or that polyamory is clearly wrong then cite how David being into many women destroyed Israel like ... no David betrayed his polycule and cheated on all his friggin partners and abused his power as king.  The Bible explicitly tells you DAVID AND SOLOMON were the problem NOT polyamory but they just pull these "factoids" out of their asses to justify being discriminatory.  It drives me insane that they call this rational and/or call themselves compassionate at all.  There is no logic in any of their thought processing.  My friend calls it mental gymnastics.  It's f**ked up is what it is

My dad is the absolute master of mental gymnastics.  He thinks he's so wise just because he's older and we should all listen to him.  At the same time, when he explains something, it's our fault if we don't understand him.  I compare it to saying a test is easy because he made the test, and thus knows all the answers.  There is this one old logic where he came to the conclusion that parents own their kids' bodies and that was the reason he needed unconditional loyalty.  I also have a screenshot on my phone where my dad sent mom and me a message with his talk-to-text.  We had no idea what he meant.  Then he blamed the phone for not recognizing his voice, gave us an 'answer key' for the confusing words, and then said we "should use our imagination sometime".

 

12 minutes ago, Neutral nerd said:

talk about sexist. is she saying that she cant use logic because she's female? wow, way to generalize. and i'm good at math, doing the 2nd highest math level in 10th grade because its fun and easy to me. my gender has nothing to do with it, theres nothing wrong with having skills just because its not "feminine" or "masculine".

Wait, that isn't my quote.

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Anthracite_Impreza

If men can only use logic and women can only use emotions, does that mean NBs are unicorns? o:

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3 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

If men can only use logic and women can only use emotions, does that mean NBs are unicorns? o:

Yes, if mental gymnastics logic holds, absolutely. Y'all are unicorns. Which means I'm a part time unicorn, part time emotional being. 

 

If you do actual logic, I'm always an emotional wreck and a full time unicorn tho. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
7 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Yes, if mental gymnastics logic holds, absolutely. Y'all are unicorns. Which means I'm a part time unicorn, part time emotional being. 

 

If you do actual logic, I'm always an emotional wreck and a full time unicorn tho. 

Just so everyone knows I'm not one of those horses with a horn, I'm a proper unicorn. A scruffy, misshapen one.

Oftheunicorn.jpg

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53 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Just so everyone knows I'm not one of those horses with a horn, I'm a proper unicorn. 

 

I mean same.

 

400?cb=20180211215043

 

That's Kirin, an Elder Dragon from Monster Hunter

 

or alternatively, Ixion from Final Fantasy

 

640?cb=20131027190945

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

400?cb=20180211215043

 

That's Kirin, an Elder Dragon from Monster Hunter

You are majestic.

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1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

You are majestic.

and instant kill transphobes in one shot if they aren't paying attention ^_^.

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 minutes ago, Taylor Lilith said:

and instant kill transphobes in one shot if they aren't paying attention ^_^.

There's a reason the Scottish unicorn is chained up ;) (And if you never noticed:)

Coat-of-arms-great-britain-16198045-404-

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On 9/12/2018 at 11:55 PM, Emery. said:

Ideally? Yes. Definitely. I’m sure you can reach this state some day :)

 

 

  Hide contents

 

 


I’m still more into cotton underwear. :P I mean, one thing is pee, another is just vaginal fluid. I’d say it’s because you’re young that you don’t have this discharge, but in reality everyone has their own timeline and I was completely mature physically at a relatively young age, for example. I haven’t had any puberty going on since 15. 
 

 

 

 

I’m sorry about the family issues you have to deal with. :( I regret that I didn’t do all the gender stuff younger but being older has the advantage of not caring so much about other people’s opinions. 

Spoiler

Major, MAJOR TMI

Well, I'm 25, so I have to deal with that particular kind of grossness all the time. Sometimes I yearn for the days of yore when I DIDN'T have to wear a liner pretty much every day. But because my prosthetic is an STP, surprisingly, even that stuff will just go right through it, hence the liner. I'm not worried about urine, I don't actually really use my STP for...P, all that much. Plus, I'm pretty diligent about keeping it nice and clean when I do.

Really, the only time I will not even CONSIDER wearing it is during shark week. 🦈


I've thought about this too, wishing I knew about this stuff way, WAY earlier in my life. But then I realized, "Um, wait a minute, self. You were being bullied, dealing with the stress of balancing the extracurriculars you were passionate about along with your schoolwork, a closeted asexual dealing with the weirdness of people crushing on you coupled with the shame and guilt of not reciprocating and not knowing why, trying to figure out what you wanted to do with your life so you knew what college to go to and not knowing that as the clock was counting down to graduation, and the deepseated fear of failing and having to repeat your senior year of high school because you had yet to finish your senior project because of your self-destructive tendency to procrastinate. 

Didn't realize you wanted your teenage angst with a side of genderfuckery. Cause that would have made your already, angsty, awkward, confusing, and sometimes painful high school experience SO much better. 

It's kicking your ass so much as an adult, but yeah. Your fragile, massively insecure, socially phobic teenage ass could have TOTALLY handled it. No prob." 🤣

So yeah, I'm actually glad I realized later rather than sooner. I have more space and freedom as an adult to explore such concepts without being burdened by the problems and stresses that arise from the murkiness and scariness of developing physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally. 

Plus, I have my own money to purchase...whatever I feel I need to purchase. Two cheers for financial autonomy. Woot. woot. 😅

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@Pixley Yeah, definitely. I kind of wish I knew when I was younger, but I probably couldn't have handled the gender stuff then.

 

I did sweep it under the rug then, it's not like it wasn't there, it's just not something I acknowledged.

 

Plus I got enough shit just being perceived gay as it was.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I did sort of realise at a young age but I'm glad I didn't try to come out then; I wasn't confident enough to stand up against the transphobia I heard and received.

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@Pixley, I was convinced I was older than you are but I’m actually younger (22) 😮Hmmm well maybe I’m just more advanced in puberty... gender stuff... and the such. Yeah, I wasn’t as confident in high school either. Maybe it also wasn’t exactly clear to me what the details of the gender situation are. I knew I was different but it wouldn’t cross my mind that I’m going to go down the trans route so far. 

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14 minutes ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

@Pixley Yeah, definitely. I kind of wish I knew when I was younger, but I probably couldn't have handled the gender stuff then.

 

I did sweep it under the rug then, it's not like it wasn't there, it's just not something I acknowledged.

 

Plus I got enough shit just being perceived gay as it was.

Oh, so you got that too? Cause my brothers and my parents were just SO SURE I WAS A LESBIAN. Despite, never EVER expressing, in any shape or form, even a subtle hint of attraction to the female shape...or form. 😆

I actually asked my Dad just a little while back why he thought I was gay (after bringing up, what I thought was a hilarious memory, I'll include it in a spoiler so I can keep my train of thought going here). 
 

Spoiler

It was back in my teenage years, back when I was a closeted asexual and my parents were still married and we were all living in the same house together. 

I was sitting on the couch, watching TV one night, when my parents came in from the backyard after a relaxing soak in our hot tub. My Dad was just a teensy bit wine drunk (which was a fantastic sight to behold because I had never seen my Dad even slightly drunk before. Mom yes, Dad no). 

Anyways, he spots me sitting on the couch, and just felt the need to seize this opportunity to have a heart to heart with his second-born, apparently. He turns to me and says, "[Original Name] if you're gay, thatz totally ookay." *vague hand gestures that might have been his attempt to give me a thumbs up*

Well, he actually slurred it. But he got the message across...and confused the bejeezus out of me, as my Mom guided him out of the room, embarrassed. She couldn't apologize to me enough, saying "I'm so sorry, he's a little drunk." And telling him that he needs to stop because he's embarrassing me, he's drunk, and he needs to go to bed. 

As she whisking him off, he just turns around and informs her, "Well, we have three kids. According to statistics, at least ONE of themz gotta be gay."

And I just sat in silence, absorbing what just happened, before uttering, "So...why does he think it's me? Would he have said that if either one of my brothers was here instead of me?" 🤣

He gets absolutely embarrassed anytime I bring up this story, even though I always say it's a funny memory to me, and is no way a means to bash or criticize him. That l look back on it with only fondness.

But he still feels the need to defend himself whenever I do, usually saying something like, "Well, it's true. I just wanted her to know I supported her, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that." My Dad has literally ZERO chill when it comes to this story apparently. 

Ah. The follies of youth. Or the follies of...drunken, adults with good intentions but poor execution. 😆


My family knows I'm asexual now and supports it, but I still got curious and just had to ask.

His answer?

"Because you weren't attracted to any of your older brother's friends." *he says sheepishly, looking away in shame, as he should* 😆

WHAT. Literally. WHAT. THAT'S IT?! THAT'S WHY YOU THOUGHT I WAS GAY.

*deep sigh*

Okay, there is so much to unpack there, like:

"Um, how do you know that? Can you read my mind? Cause if you can, PLEASE STOP. THAT'S WEIRD. Plus, you might not like what you see."
"And if I did, that doesn't necessarily make me straight either. Could have been bi, demi, pan, whatever in addition to being attracted to guys."
"Plus, have you MET THEM? I'd think you'd be PROUD of me for not being attracted to that. Your kid's got standards, self-respect and the like."
"And on that note, do you think pubescent teenage girls lose all brain function around boys? That we'll just be attracted to anything even appearing remotely male? That we're not capable of having such standards. Cause that's incredibly sexist as well as gross."
"And maybe at the time, at least before I discovered I was asexual, I was more interested about dating boys my own age, if I was going to date, because I thought that if an older guy is attracted to his friend's younger sister, he is SUPER. FLIPPING. GROSS. AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED. CAUSE YUCK. WHY."

But I ended up just saying:

"Um, have you met them? Not being attracted to [pseudonym's] friends doesn't mean I'm not straight. It means I have standards." They laughed, so I think I smoothed things over pretty well.

Another time (since my parents are divorced) I asked my Mom why she thought I was a lesbian, and her answer was:

"Cause you just...didn't...seem straight."

...

I just stared at her, dumbfounded. My reasoning skills just kind of...NOPED out of that situation, I suppose.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. WHAT THE SHIT. I've wracked my brain over this and have yet to find a cohesive answer. But whatever, I guess I can't blame her.

I mean, I dressed and acted like a tomboy, hung out with dudes instead of dated them, while NOT drooling over boy bands and openly pledging to marry every hot, male celebrity I ever came across in the media from the fucking rooftops through a megaphone.

It was a honest mistake to make, really. 🤣

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12 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

400?cb=20180211215043

 

That's Kirin, an Elder Dragon from Monster Hunter

and when its enraged and you try to hit (on) it anywhere except the head, it deflects every attack.

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I evidentally have an unpopular opinion if I had realized my interest in all those sex change documentaries, all the conversations between boys in locker rooms joking about losing their penises and how that destroyed their worth and being confused, and what I was doing in showers is indicative that you are a young trans woman was because I was a baby trans, I absolutely would have taken it. I regret not being provided with that education. 

 

I've always been different from my family. I've always been a rebel and I've always been proud of it. If I was given the opportunity, I absolutely would have taken it. 

 

I often -> JOKE <- that the trans agenda should change from corrupting today's youth to inventing time travel to go back and corrupt ourselves. 

 

I emphasize joke because expressing what I just said paired with, "If the cis don't stop, I'm going to turn all of their children trans." a lot of people flipped out over and it almost got me banned so I left instead. You can't turn people trans but you can't force a trans kid to be cis but conservatives think I turn their kids trans. Its a play on the faulty conservative mindset that I turn kids trans. It's called satire. It's a JOKE.  I feel I was clear enough there. 

 

except I just explained the joke so it can't be funny so it isn't a joke anymore?  Is that how that works?

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8 hours ago, Pixley said:
  Hide contents

Major, MAJOR TMI

Well, I'm 25, so I have to deal with that particular kind of grossness all the time. Sometimes I yearn for the days of yore when I DIDN'T have to wear a liner pretty much every day. But because my prosthetic is an STP, surprisingly, even that stuff will just go right through it, hence the liner. I'm not worried about urine, I don't actually really use my STP for...P, all that much. Plus, I'm pretty diligent about keeping it nice and clean when I do.

Really, the only time I will not even CONSIDER wearing it is during shark week. 🦈


I've thought about this too, wishing I knew about this stuff way, WAY earlier in my life. But then I realized, "Um, wait a minute, self. You were being bullied, dealing with the stress of balancing the extracurriculars you were passionate about along with your schoolwork, a closeted asexual dealing with the weirdness of people crushing on you coupled with the shame and guilt of not reciprocating and not knowing why, trying to figure out what you wanted to do with your life so you knew what college to go to and not knowing that as the clock was counting down to graduation, and the deepseated fear of failing and having to repeat your senior year of high school because you had yet to finish your senior project because of your self-destructive tendency to procrastinate. 

Didn't realize you wanted your teenage angst with a side of genderfuckery. Cause that would have made your already, angsty, awkward, confusing, and sometimes painful high school experience SO much better. 

It's kicking your ass so much as an adult, but yeah. Your fragile, massively insecure, socially phobic teenage ass could have TOTALLY handled it. No prob." 🤣

So yeah, I'm actually glad I realized later rather than sooner. I have more space and freedom as an adult to explore such concepts without being burdened by the problems and stresses that arise from the murkiness and scariness of developing physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally. 

Plus, I have my own money to purchase...whatever I feel I need to purchase. Two cheers for financial autonomy. Woot. woot. 😅

Now that I think of it, I guess it was convenient that I was on T and had no more shark weeks when I got my STPs.  But also, I think T was what gave me interest in them in the first place.  I was never even imagining using one before then.

 

There's always that voice inside my head that I should've known earlier, but I'm not sure if that was even possible.  I had always been influenced by my parents and without friends, I didn't have anyone to tell me that their ways of thinking were wrong.  All my extracurriculars were academic, because my mom had no reason for me to do anything physical.  I applied to schools with pure academic achievements.  In retrospect, I would say that the bullying came from my parents, but back then I was told that bullies were only found at school.  I was really clueless in knowing anything else besides studying.  I don't have a problem with not being attracted to anyone but I did question at one point if I was gay just because I had no interest in guys and my friends were practically all girls, except for a few exceptions.  My mom did straight out ask me once if I was gay, and she would be totally okay with it.  With the way I grew up, I just straight up denied it.  My parents never really gave me much freedom for self-expression other than my androgynous clothing.  It took me going to college to actually be able to express myself so I doubt it would've been possible for me to know back then.  Once I even said that I felt like I was 5-6 years old, finally learning things for the first time, about this new world.  Within the next year and a half, there was self-discovery.

 

In addition to being totally academically based, my mom was always ready to cover up my mistakes, which is quite spoil-y.  Even if I didn't do it, make it look like I did.  My Chinese homework at some point became her work that I copied because as the class representative, she needed her reputation.  It would look bad on her if the representative's kid, didn't do homework.  In my senior year, the night before my first semester final was due in class, I decided not to do it because I was too lazy and I procrastinated.  Night before, and I didn't even start on it.  I probably didn't care because no one in the class took the teacher seriously.  He acted more like a friend to us than a teacher.  The next morning, my mom shows me a poster board that shows that she did my final for me.  I presented it to my teacher, who said it was exactly what he was looking for, and gave me a 100%.  All I did was do a presentation on it and making the poster wasn't even my own effort.  As long as I looked successful, that's all my mom cared about, because it affects her reputation.  So I needed to be as "normal" as possible.

 

Ha, not cis, not straight, not even neurotypical.  That would fall through eventually.  I was shamed and guilted so much for not being normal.  Now I know that it's not my fault.  Being someone you're not can only bring internal turmoil if not regulated.  If I came out earlier, I'm sure my parents wouldn't believe me.  I was also financially dependent on them for a few more years, especially with college, so I wouldn't have been able to get a haircut that fit me or do any other things.  Clothes would've not changed much other than a few more from the boys' section.  But since I was able to graduate college and find a job after a few years of dependency, I had the option to do more transition.  I got my haircut two years before when I was at school.  I was able to afford hormones.  I could buy STPs.  I'm still currently figuring out top surgery, which I can now afford after a year, but it can take a huge chunk out of my bank account right now.

 

No matter how much I can beat myself up now about not knowing the problem with living in my family, I couldn't do much about it.  I was my parents' mental slave.  Knowing before may have even pushed me off the edge and idk if I'd survive today.  I would always know the basics for success but now I'd just be more lax about it.  I give myself permission to be imperfect.  All the "I have to be a straight A female student for a great university" eventually crumbled.  I feel like any amount of self-expression would've let me discover myself.  "I have to be" this only made it worse.  It changed the course of my career even.  I can't be someone I'm not.

 

6 hours ago, Pixley said:

Oh, so you got that too? Cause my brothers and my parents were just SO SURE I WAS A LESBIAN. Despite, never EVER expressing, in any shape or form, even a subtle hint of attraction to the female shape...or form. 😆

I actually asked my Dad just a little while back why he thought I was gay (after bringing up, what I thought was a hilarious memory, I'll include it in a spoiler so I can keep my train of thought going here). 
 

  Hide contents

It was back in my teenage years, back when I was a closeted asexual and my parents were still married and we were all living in the same house together. 

I was sitting on the couch, watching TV one night, when my parents came in from the backyard after a relaxing soak in our hot tub. My Dad was just a teensy bit wine drunk (which was a fantastic sight to behold because I had never seen my Dad even slightly drunk before. Mom yes, Dad no). 

Anyways, he spots me sitting on the couch, and just felt the need to seize this opportunity to have a heart to heart with his second-born, apparently. He turns to me and says, "[Original Name] if you're gay, thatz totally ookay." *vague hand gestures that might have been his attempt to give me a thumbs up*

Well, he actually slurred it. But he got the message across...and confused the bejeezus out of me, as my Mom guided him out of the room, embarrassed. She couldn't apologize to me enough, saying "I'm so sorry, he's a little drunk." And telling him that he needs to stop because he's embarrassing me, he's drunk, and he needs to go to bed. 

As she whisking him off, he just turns around and informs her, "Well, we have three kids. According to statistics, at least ONE of themz gotta be gay."

And I just sat in silence, absorbing what just happened, before uttering, "So...why does he think it's me? Would he have said that if either one of my brothers was here instead of me?" 🤣

He gets absolutely embarrassed anytime I bring up this story, even though I always say it's a funny memory to me, and is no way a means to bash or criticize him. That l look back on it with only fondness.

But he still feels the need to defend himself whenever I do, usually saying something like, "Well, it's true. I just wanted her to know I supported her, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that." My Dad has literally ZERO chill when it comes to this story apparently. 

Ah. The follies of youth. Or the follies of...drunken, adults with good intentions but poor execution. 😆


My family knows I'm asexual now and supports it, but I still got curious and just had to ask.

His answer?

"Because you weren't attracted to any of your older brother's friends." *he says sheepishly, looking away in shame, as he should* 😆

WHAT. Literally. WHAT. THAT'S IT?! THAT'S WHY YOU THOUGHT I WAS GAY.

*deep sigh*

Okay, there is so much to unpack there, like:

"Um, how do you know that? Can you read my mind? Cause if you can, PLEASE STOP. THAT'S WEIRD. Plus, you might not like what you see."
"And if I did, that doesn't necessarily make me straight either. Could have been bi, demi, pan, whatever in addition to being attracted to guys."
"Plus, have you MET THEM? I'd think you'd be PROUD of me for not being attracted to that. Your kid's got standards, self-respect and the like."
"And on that note, do you think pubescent teenage girls lose all brain function around boys? That we'll just be attracted to anything even appearing remotely male? That we're not capable of having such standards. Cause that's incredibly sexist as well as gross."
"And maybe at the time, at least before I discovered I was asexual, I was more interested about dating boys my own age, if I was going to date, because I thought that if an older guy is attracted to his friend's younger sister, he is SUPER. FLIPPING. GROSS. AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED. CAUSE YUCK. WHY."

But I ended up just saying:

"Um, have you met them? Not being attracted to [pseudonym's] friends doesn't mean I'm not straight. It means I have standards." They laughed, so I think I smoothed things over pretty well.

Another time (since my parents are divorced) I asked my Mom why she thought I was a lesbian, and her answer was:

"Cause you just...didn't...seem straight."

...

I just stared at her, dumbfounded. My reasoning skills just kind of...NOPED out of that situation, I suppose.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. WHAT THE SHIT. I've wracked my brain over this and have yet to find a cohesive answer. But whatever, I guess I can't blame her.

I mean, I dressed and acted like a tomboy, hung out with dudes instead of dated them, while NOT drooling over boy bands and openly pledging to marry every hot, male celebrity I ever came across in the media from the fucking rooftops through a megaphone.

It was a honest mistake to make, really. 🤣

I don't get how there's a 1 in 3 statistic for a gay child.  That's a big fraction.  I'm sure I told my mom about being asexual, which she probably just supports me not having sex, since she would never do it again.  We are kind of shaming dad for watching porn very obviously in his room.  But if we think about it, he's not going to get any from mom.  I don't even love my parents in a familial way.  We're just all...cold.

 

Haha, high five for tomboy who can hang with dudes without dating them.

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@Taylor Lilith I had a similar musing once. I imagined what it would be like if I could time travel, and after transitioning (and presumably passing), go back in time and introduce myself to my past self letting my past self know we are the same person.

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2 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

@Taylor Lilith I had a similar musing once. I imagined what it would be like if I could time travel, and after transitioning (and presumably passing), go back in time and introduce myself to my past self letting my past self know we are the same person.

There was a Cards Against Humanity type game I played and that was the question.  I wouldn't know how to convince my old self to see things from my point of view.

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I wonder what I'd say to my past self... Things were so insane back then, I was too busy just trying to survive. 😳

 

When I finally came out to my folks about two years ago, my mother claimed that she just "knew". Knew what, I'm actually not sure. Did she mean the asexuality, or the whole gender thing? Never did get a clear answer from her. It's funny how when stuff is actually happening, she doesn't seem to notice a damn thing. Yet, when she looks back at something, she claims that she "knew" about it. Whatever... 🙄

 

I guess it was kinda obvious. My lack of crushes on anyone, my lack of interest in talking about sex and dating matters, my interesting choice of reading material, the fact that I never quite "fit in" with my gender. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to connect those dots! :D 

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5 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

@Taylor Lilith I had a similar musing once. I imagined what it would be like if I could time travel, and after transitioning (and presumably passing), go back in time and introduce myself to my past self letting my past self know we are the same person.

Kinda same.  Except I have a strong desire to go back in time, crawl into bed with myself and shush myself while I was crying due to dysphoria t the onset of puberty.  I've had a lot of those kind's of fantasies.  I often have them when I am helping lil' baby trans find themselves. 

 

I often have the nagging thought in the back of my mind while helping these children,

 

"Where was Taylor when I needed her?  Why was there no Taylor for me? "

 

And I feel ashamed of myself for the thought =/.  These kids come to me for help, I've had PM after PM after IM on another forum because somehow the word was spread that mommy Taylor will help, and what do I do?  Think of myself.  I felt so selfish thinking of myself while these children were struggling.

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13 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I had always been influenced by my parents and without friends, I didn't have anyone to tell me that their ways of thinking were wrong.

Yup. Reason why I thought there was only three orientations (gay, bi, straight) and two genders (male/female, or trans male/trans female).

 

But to be fair to them, that’s all they knew about gender and sexuality at the time because it’s not widely taught or acknowledged now as much as it should be, let alone back then. 

 

And because I wasn’t cursing my birth, screaming at the world my desire to lop off body parts (thank you very much, movies/tv and your oversimplified, kind of low key offensive, singular trans narratives), and didn’t really debate internally with being a girl because it seemed accurate (hint, logic not intuition was informing my gender) than obviously I was.

 

I was more worried about finding social acceptance and what my life was going to be after high school.

 

13 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

I don't get how there's a 1 in 3 statistic for a gay child.  That's a big fraction.

Trust me, that went through my head too. “Why me tho?” was just the first reaction. I definitely thought to myself, “Um, no. I mean, I see you’re trying to use statistical probability here, and that seems reasonable. But, uh, no. There’s like, LOTS of three-child families where all three children are heterosexual.” 

 

He was also wine drunk, so I’m pretty much giving him a pass on that one. But if he’s sober and says something akin to that, I’ll call him on it.

 

Don’t worry. 😆

 

13 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Haha, high five for tomboy who can hang with dudes without dating them.

Thanks. They all like, weirdly quasi-feared me. Like I was all talk, with the jokey threats and whatnot, but they kind of seemed to feared me to a degree.

 

My brothers didn’t fall for that though. Like EVER. That’s why I liked having my bro squad at school.

 

Of course, then I got super insecure and paranoid of appearing even slightly feminine in some way. Not because they were bad or anything, it was all me worrying that being girly was lame and uninteresting and not only would they find reason to exclude me from things because “I wouldn’t understand”, they also just wouldn’t want to hang out anymore because that’s what I implicitly learned at home.

 

I remember one time, I was having lunch with them at school like always when a friend of mine I don’t get to see very often reveals she actually has a class with me. I did a happy, screaming jump hug with her (which surprised even me, because I’m not the screaming jump hug type for SO many reasons. It was pretty much involuntary, a knee-jerk reaction if you will). 

 

When we stopped, I realized what I just did and got this pit in my stomach because that had to be the girliest and therefore MOST embarrassing thing I had ever done or could ever do in front of my guy friends. 

 

It must have freaked them out too, because when I turned to look at them, their eyes were wide as dinner plates, like I had just been abducted by aliens and replaced with a girlier clone. That or they were wondering if they all just had a collective stroke, or if they all really saw what the others had seen. But all of this happened so fast, I just remember immediately staring DAGGERS at them when the hug ended.

 

They just kind of immediately did these vague shrugs and expressions, almost like they were flinching, like in a “We didn’t see anything” or “We didn’t say anything and we’re not going to because you seem like you might genuinely kick our asses if we do” kind of way. 

 

They probably knew that as much as we joked around about stuff and gave each other a hard time, this was a “please leave this alone” moment and that making fun of it would have been crossing an unspoken line. It was definitely them witnessing an “oh my god, that was super weird, and she’s probably mortified over it” moment. And I stand by that since they never brought it up or teased me for it for the rest of the time I hung out with them, despite the fact for as much shit I gave them sometimes, this could have been their ace in the hole. The one thing they had on me, that they could bring up that would straight up humiliate me into shutting up. I bet it was actually more this, more about empathy, than an actual fear that I might kick their ass that they never brought it up.

 

In fact, I’m fairly sure they knew that my “tough tomboy/den mother” persona was just that and were just indulging it for my sake because it was harmless, we were all friends, and it was clear that I took a lot of pride in it (despite the fact I was proud of it for all the wrong reasons, but hindsight’s 20/20).  

 

It was a good group. Good eggs all around. Loved hanging with those dorks. 😊

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9 hours ago, Ms. Carolynne said:

@Taylor Lilith I had a similar musing once. I imagined what it would be like if I could time travel, and after transitioning (and presumably passing), go back in time and introduce myself to my past self letting my past self know we are the same person.

I had this same idea but for a short story. 

 

My lazy ass never finished it, but I thought a story about a young woman encountering an older guy at a light rail station one night, and engaging in small talk together as they wait for the train to arrive, only for him to reveal that the older guy is actually her from the future after she notices they seem to share the same scar/birthmark/tattoo, would be interesting to write.

 

The rest of the story would be her denying it at first, then them talking things out while they reminisce, him pointing out “signs” she’s been ignoring or just never realizing were there, encouraging her to open up, her asking about what their life is like now, etc. with the story ending on an cautiously optimistic note with him suddenly vanishing upon her finally accepting that she is actually transmasculine and admitting that despite being afraid of the journey ahead of him, it’s a journey he needs to pursue. 

 

I really wish there was a less cheesy way to put that, but there you go. 😆

 

But this story was also “obvious personal experience is obvious” as well as just inspiration striking. It was around the time I was experimenting with cis male expression this past spring at school, and I was waiting for light rail to arrive, and I seem to understand and analyze situations better when I’m not directly experiencing them (like through tv/movies/books). 

 

It was part creative jones, part lifelong escapist coping mechanism.

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4 hours ago, Taylor Lilith said:

Kinda same.  Except I have a strong desire to go back in time, crawl into bed with myself and shush myself while I was crying due to dysphoria t the onset of puberty.  I've had a lot of those kind's of fantasies.  I often have them when I am helping lil' baby trans find themselves. 

 

I often have the nagging thought in the back of my mind while helping these children,

 

"Where was Taylor when I needed her?  Why was there no Taylor for me? "

 

And I feel ashamed of myself for the thought =/.  These kids come to me for help, I've had PM after PM after IM on another forum because somehow the word was spread that mommy Taylor will help, and what do I do?  Think of myself.  I felt so selfish thinking of myself while these children were struggling.

Don’t though, because it’s not selfish.

 

That’s why growing up, I was determined to stick up for people that seemed like they were getting pushed around because I always wanted someone to do that for me.

 

Same with anyone I come across on here, or anywhere else hating on themselves for not being “normal”, for actually just being asexual because I wish someone had done that for me. To educate me, to support me, to reassure me that I am not broken, immature, or selfish/superficial for not reciprocating feelings or not wanting things everyone else seemed to want.

 

And same with anyone struggling to understand their gender because they’re also struggling with emotional baggage that’s preventing them from seeing things more clearly because maybe if I had someone to talk to about these things, I might have been able to prevent a lot of the hangups that prevent me from seeing things clearly. Plus talking stuff out with someone who gets it, makes it so much easier to analyze your situation because it’s not swirling around in your brain and snowballing. Like how things can seem bigger in your head, but once you hear them out loud, the answer seems much more obvious.

 

You’re doing good things because of this longing, but yeah I get it. It’s okay to be down because you desperately wish you had the support you’re trying to provide, or the access to the kind of role models you’re trying to be to the people who need it.

 

It’s not something we can never correct, or ever make right, so it’s totally understandable for it to eat at us sometimes. All we can do is try to make sure no one has to go without like we did, not if we can help it. 😊

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Being trans is both, yet easy, and hard.

 

It's easy because you can be 100% yourself now, not having to hide.

 

It's hard because, having to go through sooo many things to be gendered correctly on first sight. 😐 I'm definitely still not there. And I was I just born right... Sigh. I fear the pain of surgery(ies) to come. And to resocialize... 

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Anthracite_Impreza

I wasn't sure whether this would fit better in T&S or here but since it was caused by gender issues... CW for phobias, medical shit, gratuitous f-bombs and because I'm self-conscious about it.

Spoiler

 

So last night I had a dream I deliberately sabotaged my own top surgery because I didn't want any needles. As you mostly know I started the gender ball rolling in RL a few weeks ago and they've asked for a blood sample before I do anything else and I'm too fucking scared. I've had two blood tests in my life, one to test why I was feeling shit all the time, the other because I was literally going to die of a blood clot if I didn't. I thought, "Hah, I'm a BAMF now, I can have as many as needed now I've been through all this shit".

 

Wrong. The stress of the last time has made it even worse. I've been shaking all day and almost threw up this morning; I had to tell myself it's not going to happen just to make it stop. My friends support me and will go with me, but none of them have phobias this bad so they don't get why I can't just book the appointment and get it over with. I couldn't stand on my own for two hours after the first time. My whole life I've got "aftershocks", where I'll have panic attacks hours, days, even weeks later, from even the little jabs we had at school. I'm shaking just writing this, it's fucking awful. And don't even get me started on canulas; I've had one once and the only reason I didn't die of shock was because I'd otherwise die of a bilateral pulmonary embolism. They're the worst, because they stay there. I can see it and I can feel it and panic about it getting stuck or snagged or breaking.

 

All this shit comes with surgery; it won't just be this once, it'll be many times, over several years. I want chest surgery but I'm so fucking mortified I don't think I can keep pushing myself. I never want to go near one again, especially for something that's not strictly life-threatening. I don't know why I even thought I could, I got carried away in the moment I suppose. It sounds so pathetic but it literally takes over. I try to ring the doctor, "Don't you dare touch that phone". I try to go in person, "You are not opening that car door". I try to ask my friends to do it for me, "Oops, ability to communicate has been switched off". I'm literally losing the ability to hold my arms up to type this because my adrenaline levels have been so high all day. My arm, the spot where I had the jab that I suspect caused the phobia in the first place is actually hurting; it does that if I think about these things or anyone gets too close and it's entirely psychological. It's sheer, fucking madness and I don't know what to do ("You can forget it all, you have a binder now. No need to go near those things ever again", "Ok, ok, I won't. Just stop now, please. Forget I ever said anything").

 

And before anyone says therapy, you can't just be stabbed until you get over your fear. They are legitimately dangerous things and there's no way you can actually interact with them in the same way you can a dog, or a spider, in exposure therapy. Telling myself they're for a good cause doesn't help either. Phobias completely bypass the logic centre straight to the "Shit, immediate danger!" centre.

 

I feel sick, faint and shaky now. I may not be able to reply to anyone on this immediately.

 

 

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Spoilered bc it's a bit long

Spoiler
 

@Anthracite_Impreza there's other kinds of therapy besides exposure, maybe just talking to someone who knows what to advise would help you decide how to go about this? And maybe try focusing on breathing if you're too stressed right now. I've definitely had plenty of experience with the voice of doubt and find that to be very helpful in the moment. And needles... o gog, I have no idea. I'm terrified of them but that doesn't impact me expect for when they're used on me. Although my (very limited) experience with surgery only had the IV put in after I was half unconscious. 

When first questioning the idea of surgery, other people seeing me to perform the surgery was also a fear. I was able to compare that irrational fear vs staying as I am, and for me I don't think too much about the specifics after deciding. 

I don't know how much this will help, but either way I hope you can figure out what you want and discuss it with someone who understands. Good luck, here's  🍀 and 🎂 

 

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6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

It sounds so pathetic

No it doesn't. It really doesn't. I've lived almost all my life a prisoner of the number 5. Imprisoned to the point of absurdity. I've thrown out perfectly good food because it was more than 5 items or didn't eat any of them because there weren't 5 of these. 

 

TW/TMI OCD alert

Spoiler

I'm still on this earth because the number of the mounded pills in my hand wasn't a multiple of 5. There have been times where I would do anything to stop the counting. Including cutting off body parts. I'm a trans woman. I have 5 parts hanging off of me. It was hard to not go through with it. 

 

Then you get into conversations with other people that have numerical compulsions that go like,

 

me: You say you like 3 and you like 7?  You in a good place to explain why you feel that way. 

3 person: gives almost the exact reasoning I give for 5

7 person: gives almost the exact reason the person gave for 3

me: I see where y'all are going but you are clearly wrong. It's actually 5. 

 

The only reason you think it's pathetic is because someone told you it was. It isn't pathetic. You're brain just works differently. People I've met with anxiety disorders are usually the best at handling stress because they deal with it so often. 

 

@Pixley thank you. What you described is how I usually view it. I am however the kind of person who feels before she thinks rather than thinks before she feels. It's something I have to work around. 

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