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I have no idea what I am romantically


White Knight

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White Knight

Hello,

 

I am someone who has recognized that I am asexual for some time now. It doesn't bother me in the least, but recently I've started to feel... lonely, like I could never find a meaningful relationship. 

 

As I did research, I discovered more about this orientation, including romantic feelings towards others. I wasn't aware that it was separate from being asexual or sexual in general. And I know it's a spectrum, but if I want to try to find a relationship with someone that is successful I thought I should at least figure out what my romantic feelings are.

 

And I'm struggling. 

 

I've had 'crushes' before, but very rarely. In fact, in my 22 years, I have had a grand total of three crushes (one in elementary, one in middle school, and one in university). I know I am attracted to men in a sensual sense (I like how they look). But whenever I meet someone, I never think "Man, I could have a romantic relationship with them". I think, "Man, we are going to be great friends!". From my latest crush, all I knew was that I want to hang out with him, play games, laugh with him. It felt good. It felt safe. 

 

I've tried dating apps in the past, but the few guys I met up with I thought were nice, but there was no romantic feelings at all, that I'm sure of. 

 

In fact, I'm not even sure what it feels like to be romantically interested in someone, I think. I'm not sure. I can't tell. I don't know what it means to be romantically interested in someone, and it's kind of scaring me. I don't want sex, but I don't want to be alone either. I want a partnership that lasts a long time, possibly till death do us part. And right now, I'm fearing that I'm aromantic. 

 

Once again, no problem with being asexual, but I'm am miserable at the motion of being aromantic. I know that people can find relationships being aromantic, but I feel like it's more... difficult? I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner loves me romantically and I cannot return the same feelings. I feel that it would feel unfair to them. 

 

I know you don't know me and my above experiences sheds very little light, but is there any thoughts on this? Maybe I'm demiromantic (is that a thing?). Maybe I'm just picky. I'm not sure. Is there any advice on how to approach this?

 

(BTW, if I posted this in the wrong spot, I apologize)

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Demiromantic is definitely a thing. Basically any prefix that's for sexuality can be used for romantic orientations too. 

 

For awhile when I was figuring myself out I thought I might be aromantic. And I dreaded that because I really wanted that connection with someone. I got a crush on a guy (a friend that was in my class) and I realized that yes, I would really like to be in a relationship with you. (He had a girlfriend though). So I tried to figure out why, after so long, I finally had feelings. I found demiromantic. It was really hard to tell if I was aromantic or not because of that. Perhaps in the interim you could go with grey romantic? It's on the aromantic spectrum (and I think demiromantic is too??) and then after awhile you could narrow it down if you'd like?

Sorry to say I don't think there's any active things you can do to figure this out. Mine just kinda happened. (Also smaller crushes on some of my female friends helped me realize that demi worked best.) 

Good luck though!

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1 hour ago, White Knight said:

Hello,

 

I am someone who has recognized that I am asexual for some time now. It doesn't bother me in the least, but recently I've started to feel... lonely, like I could never find a meaningful relationship. 

 

As I did research, I discovered more about this orientation, including romantic feelings towards others. I wasn't aware that it was separate from being asexual or sexual in general. And I know it's a spectrum, but if I want to try to find a relationship with someone that is successful I thought I should at least figure out what my romantic feelings are.

 

And I'm struggling. 

 

I've had 'crushes' before, but very rarely. In fact, in my 22 years, I have had a grand total of three crushes (one in elementary, one in middle school, and one in university). I know I am attracted to men in a sensual sense (I like how they look). But whenever I meet someone, I never think "Man, I could have a romantic relationship with them". I think, "Man, we are going to be great friends!". From my latest crush, all I knew was that I want to hang out with him, play games, laugh with him. It felt good. It felt safe. 

 

I've tried dating apps in the past, but the few guys I met up with I thought were nice, but there was no romantic feelings at all, that I'm sure of. 

 

In fact, I'm not even sure what it feels like to be romantically interested in someone, I think. I'm not sure. I can't tell. I don't know what it means to be romantically interested in someone, and it's kind of scary me. I don't want sex, but I don't want to be alone either. I want a partnership that lasts a long time, possibly till death do us part. And right now, I'm fearing that I'm aromantic. 

 

Once again, no problem with being asexual, but I'm am miserable at the motion of being aromantic. I know that people can find relationships being aromantic, but I feel like it's more... difficult? I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner loves me romantically and I cannot return the same feelings. I feel that it would feel unfair to them. 

 

I know you don't know me and my above experiences sheds very little light, but is there any thoughts on this? Maybe I'm demiromantic (is that a thing?). Maybe I'm just picky. I'm not sure. Is there any advice on how to approach this?

 

(BTW, if I posted this in the wrong spot, I apologize)

 

You sound a lot like me. I'm a romantic asexual btw. I am capable of falling in love with people, I am capable of developing emotional feelings toward people, but I don't feel sexual attraction toward anyone. I think you might be a romantic asexual too.

 

P/S: The fact that you are able to develop crushes on 3 people means you aren't an aromantic. 
 

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White Knight
13 minutes ago, SnowLady said:

P/S: The fact that you are able to develop crushes on 3 people means you aren't an aromantic. 
 

The thing is though, I'm not sure what it even means to be romantic. Like, at all. Does it mean I want to cuddle or kiss? Because I didn't want to cuddle or kiss my crushes. I just wanted to be with them. I liked their company. I wanted to make them laugh and feel good emotionally. Is that romantic? 

 

But I also like my friend's company and I for sure don't have a crush on her. So, how can I tell when it's platonic or romantic?

BTW, your response has given me hope. I really, really don't want to be aromantic. 

1 hour ago, ReyGraves said:

Demiromantic is definitely a thing. Basically any prefix that's for sexuality can be used for romantic orientations too. 

 

For awhile when I was figuring myself out I thought I might be aromantic. And I dreaded that because I really wanted that connection with someone. I got a crush on a guy (a friend that was in my class) and I realized that yes, I would really like to be in a relationship with you. (He had a girlfriend though). So I tried to figure out why, after so long, I finally had feelings. I found demiromantic. It was really hard to tell if I was aromantic or not because of that. Perhaps in the interim you could go with grey romantic? It's on the aromantic spectrum (and I think demiromantic is too??) and then after awhile you could narrow it down if you'd like?

Sorry to say I don't think there's any active things you can do to figure this out. Mine just kinda happened. (Also smaller crushes on some of my female friends helped me realize that demi worked best.) 

Good luck though!

Thank you for your advice and knowledge! Hopefully, I can work things out. 

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Here's a list of common indices of romantic attraction from a journal article on the topic:
 

"1. the loved person takes on "special meaning." As one of Tennov's informants phrased it, "My whole world had been transformed. It had a new center, and that center was Marilyn" (Tennov 1979:18). This phenomenon is coupled with the inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time;
2. intrusive thinking about the loved person;
3. crystallization, or the tendency to focus on the loved person's positive qualities and overlook or falsely appraise his/her negative traits;
4. labile psychophysiological responses to the loved person, including exhilaration, euphoria, buoyance, spiritual feelings, feelings of fusion with the loved person, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, shyness, awkwardness, trembling, pallor, flushing, stammering, aching of the "heart," inappropriate laughing, gazing, prolonged eye contact, butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, weak knees, dilated pupils, dizziness, a pounding heart, accelerated breathing, uncertainty, anxiety, panic, and/or fear in the presence of the loved person;
5. a longing for emotional reciprocity coupled with the desire to achieve emotional union with the loved person;
6. emotional dependency on the relationship with the loved person, including feelings of hope, apprehension, possessiveness, preoccupation with the beloved, hypersensitivity to cues given by the beloved, inability to concentrate on matters unrelated to the beloved, jealousy, emotional vulnerability, fear of rejection by the beloved, fantasies about the loved person, separation anxiety, and swings in mood associated with the fluctuating state of the relationship, as well as feelings of despair, lack of optimism, listlessness, brooding, and loss of hope during a temporary setback in the relationship or after rejection by the loved person;
7. a powerful sense of empathy toward the loved person, including a feeling of responsibility for the beloved and a willingness to sacrifice for the loved person;
8. a reordering of daily priorities to be available to the loved person coupled with the impulse to make a certain impression on the loved person, including changing one's clothing, mannerisms, habits, or values;
9. an intensification of passionate feelings caused by adversity in the relationship;
10. a sexual desire for the target of infatuation coupled with the desire for sexual exclusivity;
11. the precedence of the craving for emotional union over the desire for sexual union with the beloved;
12. the feeling that one's romantic passion is involuntary and uncontrollable."

See: Helen E. Fisher, Lust, Attraction, and Attachment in Mammalian Reproduction, Human Nature, March 1998, Volume 9, Issue 1, pages 23–52.

 
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AVEN #1 fan

Well, sounds gray-romantic for me. Idk if demiromantic,  amicusromantic, etc. But since you said you had crushes I assume you're romantic, hetero-gray-romantic.

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59 minutes ago, White Knight said:

The thing is though, I'm not sure what it even means to be romantic. Like, at all. Does it mean I want to cuddle or kiss? Because I didn't want to cuddle or kiss my crushes. I just wanted to be with them. I liked their company. I wanted to make them laugh and feel good emotionally. Is that romantic? 

 

But I also like my friend's company and I for sure don't have a crush on her. So, how can I tell when it's platonic or romantic?

BTW, your response has given me hope. I really, really don't want to be aromantic. 

I recommend checking out quoiromantic, which means that the difference between platonic and romantic attraction is difficult/impossible to distinguish or does not make sense for you. This term is often considered to be greyromantic (as an umbrella term).

You might also consider using greyromantic. While this might mean that you experience romantic attraction weakly, rarely or only in certain circumstances, it can also encompass the confusion that you mentioned.

I'd be happy to clarify or answer any more questions about this.

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It took me hell of a long time to figure out my romantic oriention when I had been trying to think more about it. To the point for about a year, I stopped identifying with any romantic orientation whatsoever and just take my time figuring it out. That's helpful for some people, they choose not to identify with anything and just simply do what feels natural to them. That's always an option.

 

Though there's also nothing wrong with identifying with someone. It definitely helps regarding any community and helps some people better understand themselves.

 

Personally, how I finally came to terms with my romantic orientation is really just sitting back and relax and try not to stress so much over it; I'll figure it out in time. And I have. I think what had helped me the most was talking to some people and surfing the web, it occurred to me exactly what romance is. I've asked this question before because the definitions aren't always helpful. How one can describe romanticism excluding action that is percieved as "traditionally" romantic and any feelings that is also perfectly valid for a platonic relationship. It's also difficult since many people also see their significant other as their best friend as well. To me, I considered what exactly did it mean to me what romanticism is, because I am most certainly not the most "romantic" person in the traditional sense. However, there were some things that I considered romantic, even if other people may not think so. And these things are things that I consider more intimate and more intense feelings than any other friend.

 

I think trying to pin down exactly what romanticism is is pretty much the same thing as asking "what is love?" (baby don't hurt me [beat you to it :P ]). Love itself and showing love is different for everyone, so it can be difficult to describe it more specifically that works universally.

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6 hours ago, White Knight said:

The thing is though, I'm not sure what it even means to be romantic. Like, at all. Does it mean I want to cuddle or kiss? Because I didn't want to cuddle or kiss my crushes. I just wanted to be with them. I liked their company. I wanted to make them laugh and feel good emotionally. Is that romantic? 

 

But I also like my friend's company and I for sure don't have a crush on her. So, how can I tell when it's platonic or romantic?

BTW, your response has given me hope. I really, really don't want to be aromantic. 

Thank you for your advice and knowledge! Hopefully, I can work things out. 

 

Yup that's how it's like for me as a romantic. Whenever I have a crush on someone, I don't want to kiss or hug them. I just find myself thinking about them a lot, I find myself missing them when they aren't around, I just want to be around them all the time, and I just want to talk to them all the time. My feelings for them are all on an emotional level.

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Someone Else
17 hours ago, White Knight said:

 

 

Once again, no problem with being asexual, but I'm am miserable at the motion of being aromantic. I know that people can find relationships being aromantic, but I feel like it's more... difficult? I don't want to be in a relationship where my partner loves me romantically and I cannot return the same feelings. I feel that it would feel unfair to them. 

 

 

I'm... well, sort of in love with the notion of being in love.  But I've never had that "madly in love" thing, and I can deal with no wanting sex, but finding out that I might never go crazily fall wildly in love makes me sad.  I've known people who thought it was the best thing in the universe.  
A lot of aromantic people are absolutely happy with being aromantic, and aren't looking for anything more than friends.
Hugs and kisses are often referred to as "romantic" by asexuals but I think they can exist without romantic feelings, just like sex sometimes exists without romantic feelings for some people.  So with that, I determined that even if I am not romantic, I can still appreciate some things that are not normally associated with platonic friends. It's complicated, and there are different types of aromantic people I think. 

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Demiromantic is definitely a thing. Right now I'm in that "aro "stage of it cause I've found no one to emotionally bond with.

 

Romance is something you can't rush because of all the elements involved in finding and courting a partner. Don't sweat the labels for now. Take your time to figure out. Even if you are aromantic just know it's possible to still be happy.

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On 07/07/2017 at 0:46 AM, Pramana said:

Here's a list of common indices of romantic attraction from a journal article on the topic:

Do you happen to know of any similar list for sexual attraction?

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18 minutes ago, aceidk said:

Do you happen to know of any similar list for sexual attraction?

I don't off hand but will look into it.

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On 7/6/2017 at 4:46 PM, Pramana said:

Here's a list of common indices of romantic attraction from a journal article on the topic:

 

Thanks for this.  This is great!  I've been slowly trying to accumulate a list of "romantic attributes" so that I can wrap my mind around the concept and blog about it.  It seems to me you can sum up most of the phenomenon into the word "idealization."  

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White Knight

Wow, thanks guys! lots of good advice! I think I got a clue about what's going on. :)

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