Are people romantically/sexually uninterested in you ?

[TulipPiece]

it's pushy, it's aggressive, and you have to very clearly tell them no and to leave. not coming over here anyore

[SifuHotman]

I can get behind this 100%. I'm 25, and have only had on person who was ever interested in me, and that was 2 years ago. I spent all of my school years wondering why no one ever felt that way about me, even a little, and basically figured it must have been something wrong with me. Put that together with depression, and I accepted this reasoning without a second thought. I convinced myself that I didn't want any attention anyway, because I wouldn't want someone to have to be with someone like me.

 

Fast foward a few years, and I got a little better and thought "Hey, maybe I could do this whole relationship thing." I tried, and then realized that not only was no on interested in me, but I wasn't interested in anyone else either. I realized that I had no desire for a romantic or sexual relationship, and finally landed on ace/aro to figure shit out. It wouldn't surprise me if other people can sense it. Sure seems like it to me. That or I'm just so hideous and boring that literally no one has ever looked my way. 

[Flowertheflower]

I have no idea actually.

Usually if someone says someone likes me it's a joke or a prank, I'm used to that.

There could be people who actually like me but I'm not going to waste my time guessing who.

[InariYana]

They are often quite interested and misinterpret my general friendliness and smiley-ness as flirting all the time. I also get a fair share of PUA nonsense fans  or people who somehow feel entitled to touching me even though we're practically strangers (not sexually, but still... c'mon). There must be something vulnerable about me as I often attract total d**ks... I'm on autism spectrum, so maybe that's it. Somehow I'm sending signals attracting the wrong kind of people... 

 

Sometimes I really don't feel like going out at all because of this kind of experiences. A few of my friends keep an eye on me and they saved me from weird situations many times... I usually recognize a situation as weird/awkward/pushy pretty late... they can see it straight away! That must be my autistic side not de-coding things fast enough. Ehhh.   

[quasarshift]

I never know if someone is interested until they straight up tell me and it surprises the hell out of me every time. I always think of myself as not sexy but apparently I have some degree of sexiness.

[A_Osmyde]

I've only ever had one person express any interest--and it was a hypersexual gay guy in high school who was absolutely not subtle in what he wanted. So far as I know, like a lot of you I've just got body language that kills interest. That or I'm just oblivious and nobody has just straight up told me they're interested. Could be either, but likely the former due to my lone-wolf personality and general apathy towards anything social.

 

...or it could just be because I'm a guy. I still don't think that girls making their interest known first is very common.

 

Really doesn't make things easier for a romantic who's so socially inept the only way I could have a relationship is if the other person initiates it 

[Wolfjackle]

Ugh, I wish. I've had three friends develop serious crushes on me over the years. Two I didn't really care about and distanced myself from fairly easily with minimal guilt/hassle, but the third was a coworker and I kinda really like him. Platonically, of course, but I could totally see us building an awesome friendship. But apparently he was making public new years resolutions on facebook that he was going to ask me out? That was awful. For both of us, really.

 

I also know I'm super oblivious when guys/gals hit on me. I was having lunch with a friend a few years ago and she told me the waiter was hitting on me to the point of deliberately ignoring her and I had no idea. I also once had a cashier literally say to me "you're cute" and I didn't realize what she meant for like five minutes. Oops. Sorry, I wasn't trying to ignore you nor did I have an issue with your gender, I'm just that clueless.

[KylenKantari]

Yes, definitely. In 30 years I have had exactly 3 people show any interest in me. I think I give off some kind of signal that I'm not interested because no one ever looks at me that way. When I was in high school, my friends always used to say that I was scary, even though I wasn't trying to be. I guess the resting b***h face works in my favor. Of course its possible that I'm just oblivious to the signals. 

 

I've had a number of people think I'm flirting with them though, when I'm just having a friendly conversation. I hate how any type of friendly interaction between two people, everyone seems to interoperate as flirting. It doesn't happen all the time, but it happened often enough that for a while I started to wear a fake wedding ring so people would see I'm not looking for a partner. Recently I started wearing an ace ring. Not so much out of pride, but so anyone who knows what it means will know what I mean. That I'm not interested, I'm not looking, stop flirting with me, and no, I'm not flirting with you. 

[kaysir]

I like to think no one is attracted to me, but I also like to complain about it, haha. I'm a goofy person, always making jokes, or I'm standoffish, and I imagine that's why people don't often express interest in me. The standoffish trait or reserve is what I think makes that so-called aura. If you don't flirt or go at people with a social energy, and if you seem naive or even dense, people are less likely to think you'd want a relationship.

 

Addition: I'm also gender nonconforming and people feel all kinds of ways about that.

[mistfallen]

Most of the guys I know/ am friends with treat me like a guy. I don't exactly know why? I look feminine most of the time but apparently I give off a very masculine vibe. Although it could be an "ace vibe," but I've never thought about it that way before. I have a few friends who are definitely players & have tried to hit on every single girl they talk to but not me and it's just been that way my whole life, lol. 

[Perilous Poozer]

People have said I seem scary/intimidating before they got to know me, and I cultivate an epic bitchy resting face. Basically I look like a Victorian governess. These are good things! I’ve been propositioned a fair few times though. I’m not cute enough for grabby dudebros at the pub, and this too is good 

I’m terrible at picking up flirting cues though, and that amuses the hell out my friends. I genuinely don’t notice unless some effectively says “Hey, let’s bone”. Perhaps other aces here are in the same boat and are in fact getting hit on and not realising?

[Kuri]

I think that I'm not getting such attention from other people - although it's happened that someone had to point out another person's interest to me - so I'm probably just oblivious to it. Sadly I this can't gauge if and, if so, how much attention I do get. 

 

However, I have noticed that people assume me to be experienced? Making references to french kissing and expecting me to know what's going on, telling me randomly about relationship problems and looking for help (altho I have never been in a relationship before), and simply frowning when I tell them that no, I don't pick people up. I don't take anyone home with me. I've not had sex of any kind. They're very confused then. And I'm even more confused. 

 

I dress to not attract attention, I don't like dresses or skirts and I don't "act ladylike". I don't even talk about sexuality unless someone else starts it and is persistent. Still people assume that I've got lots of romantic and sexual experience. 

 

I don't know why. 

 

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

I wish they were uninterested! Thankfully it's only been like a handful of guys who have shown interest in me that way. However, my life would be so much easier if I didn't have to deal with these things at all. I might have to deal with it again soon, because I get the feeling there's this guy who is trying to flirt with me. Bleh.

 

 

[Topi]

People aren't usually interested in me. There were only three occasions where I may have had a feeling that people wanted something from me. One was very straightforward and actually asked me over and over if I wanted to have a physical relationship with him, be friends with benefits. I hated it and always tried to cut him down playfully, because he was a childhood friend that considered like a younger brother. In the amount of time, he talked with me, I felt suffocated in our conversations, like he was trying to control my life. Thank god, he got a girlfriend and left me alone.

 

The other person was a person I had a very strong interest in. He was super sweet with me, but somehow, when he tried to touch me, like putting his arms around my shoulders or showing some kind of affection that wasn't totally platonic, I felt aversion. My brain would start to freak out and alarms sounded. I had to run away from him. I believe I hurt him, but I just couldn't stand the level of intimacy I felt irradiating from him.

 

Maybe one more guy had interest, but I didn't give him the time to even talk with me. I always ignored him. He started to call me anti-social and that I didn't deserve to have friends. He actually tried to steal all my friends. 

 

Besides this there weren't any more signs of possible interest.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

Yes. Thank God!

[J. van Deijck]

just today someone told me that I'm so attractive. the problem us that I wouldn't be interested in them even if they were the last living person on Earth.

[seajams]

I'm a singer-songwriter and reasonably good looking so I do occasionally get a bit of eyelash-fluttering after a gig. Never really know how to respond.

 

If music be the food of love... I obviously have a gluten allergy or something 😄

[Crazy Cat Lady]

On 7/3/2017 at 0:17 AM, Skyl said:

Do you think there are such things as "uninterested aura" or "lack of sexual aura" ? What about your life experiences ?

I always lacked explicit interest from others, but that could also be attributed to my overall unapproachable personality. 

When I did receive attention, however, it was mostly from women (I am female myself), so maybe there is some quality to me that doesn't feel "straight".

Coming late to the conversation! I have wondered something similar. It seems like some people are dating people all the time and others of us never date anyone. Not just me, but always the same friends/people who don't date, never seem to date.

 

Have to admit, I've never understood the women who are always catcalled. That is, I'm sure it's terrible for them, but I don't think it's ever.happened.to.me.even.once. Not that I can remember, anyway. Either I am just not an attractive person... or something? I don't know.

[Crazy Cat Lady]

On 7/3/2017 at 7:48 AM, Leolith said:

I still haven't figured out if people are generally not interested in me or if I'm incredibly bad at picking up signs of interest.

Or, maybe that's it for me. I just don't "see" it. Or, I want to see it and think, maybe, but don't really and feel like I'm just making it up because I want it to be. I certainly am clueless when it comes to flirting. I don't know how, nor would I probably recognize it if anyone tried with me!

[Epicene]

I'm 21; have had about 3 people express attraction to me in my whole life. I thought I must just be f**k ugly. But the idea of an aura? I like that - it makes me feel less hopeless. I can't do anything about my genetics, but I can change my (socially inept?) vibe.

 

I seem to appeal to girls more than boys. I think I must give off some sort of "gay vibe" too. Hm.

[StarkRomanoff]

I'd think people are generally uninterested in me except a small handful. People don't go out of their way to start a conversation with me and I keep my friend circle small. I can count on one hand the amount of people that expressed or hinted at wanting to be romantically involved with me (only one, sexually involved) and yet all but one (guess which) were dudes. These guys didn't get the hint of how gay I am and misinterpreted my acquaintance/friendship as a stepping stone to something more. 

 

While I don't believe there's an "aura" per se, the culmination of how you dress, speak, hold yourself, and act communicates something to others. But it's up to others' interpretation as to what that is. Like, I intentionally try to look like a stereotypical lesbian as much as possible to project my gayness so I wouldn't have to start a conversation with a girl. This gets misinterpreted by guys and ignored by girls. 

 

Even though I want a romantic relationship, I've found that people just aren't interested in me in that way. I've been told "You don't know that. They just haven't said anything."  So, I've presented myself in the most fun-loving, kind, helpful, and loyal manner (basically, the better parts of me) I possible could. Still only the one girl has expressed interested in me and that didn't work out...man, sometimes it's hard being an introverted asexual lesbian.

[Crazy Cat Lady]

2 hours ago, Epicene said:

I thought I must just be f**k ugly. But the idea of an aura? I like that - it makes me feel less hopeless.

Me, too. Sometimes... Not so much today, but sometimes.

[Lucas Monteiro]

There has been a lot of people that showed interest in me, but I never really cared. A lot of other times, people just say that I am attractive, but I really don't know what to say after that or what to proceed to do. And I don't believe in this aura thing, you attract people with different variables, saying that exists this aura is just an excuse. Anyway, anyone can attract people, theres so different people in this world, being just who you are, it is already attracting people, believe in me. You just sometimes don't know, or like me, don't care  

[Delyn]

There has only been one person interested in me, and she was...extraordinarily unstable to the point of I nearly had to get a restraining order. 

 

Yesterday my older male friend (I'm barely a minor and he's 19) said, "Delyn, if you weren't 17 and my friend, you'd totally be my type." so I dunno if that counts...

[everywhere and nowhere]

I wouldn't say it's an "aura". For me it's rather about cues which may indicate that a person is not interested, about asexuality becoming visible in someone's gender expression and clothing... For example it seems that quite a lot of asexual women explicitly dislike "looking sexy".

Well, frankly - I'm not an attractive woman. I'm overweight, I suffer from visible allergy. But I also somewhat amplify my lack of sex appeal through things on which I have influence: I try to develop my muscles, I stopped shaving my legs, I don't use any makeup, I don't hide signs of aging in any way, currently I have short hair to look more androgynous, and when I had long hair - it was never well-groomed, I completely didn't care if it wasn't for example unsymmetrical or uneven.

It has its downsides - first of all, it puts such an asexy woman in a very "assailable" position. Even when I wouldn't like to be attractive and most definitely would never want to be sexual, I have been attacked in ways which emphasized this aspect - the kind of "you say you don't want sex because you can't get laid anyway!".

I'm glad that people are sexually uninterested in me, less glad about the romantic side. I'm not aro, yet I can't trust a person too soon - probably I have to be friends with someone to really fall in love - so someone being romantically interested in me could be hard for such a person...

However, it's not that there have been NO people sexually interested in me. Yes, I quite rarely get the kind of unwanted attention that lot of women complain about, but there have been a few cases of someone trying to "pick me up". Once, at a lesbian party, I tried dancing a childish dance with another woman, she read it as an invitation to much more and started grabbing me by the boobs. (Her friend later apologized for her and said that she was drunk and also frustrated because she had a husband and children...) And one guy, less than a friend - I'd just never trust him fully - but more than just an acquaintance repeatedly tried to persuade me to have sex with him. While I consider straight sex much more disgusting than lesbian sex and I'm just not attracted to a masculine type of personality, I'm sure I would have also refused if the person proposing was a woman. Even if I didn't feel averse to personally having sex, I just don't accept sex without a close emotional bond (it doesn't necessarily have to be love - I can accept "friends with benefits", but not casual sex) and would never agree to do it even if, hypothetically, there were no other obstacles. But it's always very "hypothetic" to me precisely because of my sex aversion which makes trying to imagine myself having sex extremely uncomfortable and just "something I don't want".

 

(On the margin - because it's not related to the topic here, but to the idea of "the unassailable asexual" - sex aversion also makes an asexual "assailable". Some people who don't want to accept asexuality also tend to think that the only real asexuals are those who are completely indifferent to sex and that those who have some level of an active aversion instead Have A Problem and should attempt to "cure" it...)

[borkfork]

"Hey, what's your name?"

"Fuck off, neckbeard."

"Cool. My name is Dwayne."

 

[Sally]

They were definitely interested, and I had no idea what to do about it, since I didn't  understand it.  As a result, I ended up in a marriage and two children.  Then years later I ended up in a long-term relationship.  The latter was pleasant, and still is.  

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

[Sibemarie]

I am quite unactractive myself (according to beauty standarts), so i am unactractive by default. I am aware that sadly, good looks can help people to succeed in jobs and society, and some jobs such like day recepcionists or air hostesses are mainly for pretty people. Here in Portugal it is a lot like that. Even in jobs on call centers and stuff like that (underpaid) you can suffer of prejudice on job/getting job. It is purelly, however, a problem of their culture/economic issues/lack of decent jobs in this country.

I have felt some discrimination of being ugly. Would not like to be very pretty, but i know there could be advantages of having a pleasent face. On the other hand in my case i am glad somehow that i am not pretty in a way, because it keeps people away. Also, most of my friends are guys and i want to keep them like that. Being pretty could create some unwanted feelings on people that i want to be only friend with.

I naturally dress mostly genderless/male, so it improves my lack of actractiveness. My body is mostly of a small frame (even when i gain weight i start noticing a little bigger breast and back, which for me is so gross, eww ). In my oppinion i am really ugly on my face, which leads to some discrimination. But it is still good, because i am able to make friends with males without having the dangers of unwanted atraction and tension...not ruining the good mood of the group, and that makes me glad. It is awesome to mantain some very good sort of "genderless" relationships.

I dress long shirts, lumberjack shirts, i like some cool alternative, rock styles. Mostly genderless/male styles. My former colleagues (females ) i met abroad, where often telling me i should try a dress, use small waist shirts, "feminine" clevages, "not be ashamed of my body" but obviously thats not the point. I am not ashamed, neither proud, nothing. My body is simply the vehicle of my consciousness and being. Like a car, where my mind is the passager and driver. Nothing more. The idea of making feminine shapes on me stand out is exactly want i dont want. That is basically visually telling males that a person is ready for love and sex, which i am definetelly NOT. If being pretty aesthetically (face features) can be somehow ok, having or dressing up to have an "atractive body" is gross for me, thats basically what i despise about anything to do with me. In the past i had very few people interested in me, and it feels wrong, i dont want it. I want to keep them as far as possible. 

 

[TheNerdyOne]

I didn't experience any interest from guys until I started attending college. Not to self deprecate myself, but I don't consider myself that attractive, so it's probably my positive, enthusiastic personality that draws anyone in. I haven't gotten a whole lot of interest, but unfortunately the few guys that have been interested in me are usually bitter/cynical...and one of them was most certainly an asshole. I've just perfected the art of giving off "no" vibes since then.

I swear one of these days I'll attract someone with the qualities I'm looking for! XD