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globetrotter85

Being an older virgin

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will123

@Techie I mentioned this elsewhere before:

 

Spoiler

I don't think I could handle the thought of the one girl (that asked me about having sex) taking me inside of her. Too far inside my personal space.

 

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Guest
On 12/27/2019 at 6:19 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

Do you know where the material can be found? Because I'm deeply, intensely against all non-consensual sex and I also understand "non-consensual" broadly (for example, "consenting" because one thinks the partner might leave them is not real consent!!).

Just look up Hannah Hayes Interview and you'll see what I'm talking about. 

 

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Acing It
On 12/28/2019 at 6:49 AM, Homer said:

My face is the best contraception out there :D besides that, I have got next to none fine motor skills, so sex would be awful for everyone involved. (This would only be cancelled out by myself being a quick shooter, lol. Yes it was awful, but at least it wasn't awful for long :D )

I can see getting the shakes as something that could be helpful, though.😂

Spoiler

👇

 

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Catpaws
On ‎12‎/‎28‎/‎2019 at 10:51 AM, Techie said:

I may have embellished a bit to the point of seeming rigid but for me the big stumbling block is what I believe to be the lack of instinct. There seems to be an innate behavior in most people that basically causes a lot to happen automatically (our reptilian brain function IIRC). Since I have never experience that automatic behavior, I can only surmise it is missing. Basically forces me to do consciously what should happen without thinking.

 

Back in the early 1970's I was diagnosed with ADHD and I was on ADHD meds for many years for it but only when I had school (not on weekends or during the summer). I have found that I tend to by hypersensitive to touch and I suspect the ADHD component is a contributing factor. Anything that adds to my already stimulated mind such as touch, loud noises, strong smells, etc. just exacerbates the situation. The funny thing is the issue with sound and smells only started bothering me in the last few years. I have been coming around the to uneasy prospect that the coping mechanisms I have had all these years to deal with it are beginning to break down with age. I think the mental "firewall" has been getting hit for so long that pieces of it are starting to crumble and things that did not bother me 5 or me years ago are starting to now.

 

Add me into this camp as well. Every time the situation has almost come up, I start spinning my mental wheels trying to figure out what the right way of it all is. I start trying to figure out a standard operating procedure, which then ramps up performance anxiety and perfectionism. I've concluded that since I have no actual desire for it, why bother since I'm fairly sure it's going to be more of an anxiety-laden chore than anything enjoyable.

 

I've also experienced my sensitivities getting worse as I get older. A couple of years ago, I wasn't bothered by the sound of high heels on a hard surface, now it's like nails on a blackboard to me. Given the increasing difficulty of processing things I didn't have as much trouble with a few years ago, that's one more reason why I see no need to even consider trying sex.

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Gnomeish

When I think of sex I think of smashing a taco bell hardshell taco on top of a sausage pizza and smiling with a mildly manic fixed smile and the this always makes me laugh because sex would be just as absurd.

 

As a teen though I would see females as ugly as me (yes mean thought) and wonder how they had boyfriends, was it just makeup and dresses because no way would I do that, and then I realized it was probably because they liked or were willing to do sex stuff and gave off an 'I would possibly enjoy sex stuff' vibe. Maybe? 

 

I am only constantly pissed off at how difficult it is to rent somewhere for a single person income. Fuck, I just want to be a low income anxiety ridden 32 year old virgin who can have my two cats and still rent somewhere by MYSELF for 350 a month!!! Avg here is about $600,for a 2br with no pets because it is a college town. Like, just let me live by myself forever without having to work to death for it society!!!!!! I would die from excess human interaction at 40hrs a week and all I know is retail.

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Candy322

@will123

 

It is a blessing that you've came to this conclusion just wish I didn't fall under pressure *singed in Freddie Murcury voice* . I have found ways to heal from the disaster that happened takes time but I know better now...

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Charlii
On 1/2/2020 at 4:45 AM, Gnomeish said:

When I think of sex I think of smashing a taco bell hardshell taco on top of a sausage pizza and smiling with a mildly manic fixed smile and the this always makes me laugh because sex would be just as absurd.

 

As a teen though I would see females as ugly as me (yes mean thought) and wonder how they had boyfriends, was it just makeup and dresses because no way would I do that, and then I realized it was probably because they liked or were willing to do sex stuff and gave off an 'I would possibly enjoy sex stuff' vibe. Maybe? 

 

I am only constantly pissed off at how difficult it is to rent somewhere for a single person income. Fuck, I just want to be a low income anxiety ridden 32 year old virgin who can have my two cats and still rent somewhere by MYSELF for 350 a month!!! Avg here is about $600,for a 2br with no pets because it is a college town. Like, just let me live by myself forever without having to work to death for it society!!!!!! I would die from excess human interaction at 40hrs a week and all I know is retail.

Oh, this is me too! I'm stressing over buying a home as a single person on a low income as I only work 32 hours a week. It's going to take forever to save. But as someone with social anxiety the thought of working 5 days or even more a week is terrifying. Out of all my friends I'm the only single person, most of them live with their partners. It is so much easier when you have someone else! 

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IvoryBill
On 1/1/2020 at 11:45 PM, Gnomeish said:

I am only constantly pissed off at how difficult it is to rent somewhere for a single person income. Fuck, I just want to be a low income anxiety ridden 32 year old virgin who can have my two cats and still rent somewhere by MYSELF for 350 a month!!! Avg here is about $600,for a 2br with no pets because it is a college town. Like, just let me live by myself forever without having to work to death for it society!!!!!! I would die from excess human interaction at 40hrs a week and all I know is retail.

You are exactly as I was at 32. Only my rent at the time was about $900 for a 2 bdrm. In 2004, the managers raised the rent to $1200, justifying it by calling it the "market average." When my retail job suddenly went into upheaval, I was working 60 hours a week even during the off-season, realized the panic attacks were simply too much and I had to stop working there. I miserably moved back home with my parents and paid them with nominal rent and lots of housework and babysitting of nieces & nephews.

 

It took nearly a decade to find a full-time job in a field I relate to (age 41) and eventually buy a small house (at age 44). At that point I thought things would get financially easier, but it's been the opposite. I fall behind more and more each month. I live by myself and my panic attacks can't even allow for the thought of taking in a roommate.  Since I'll never be able to afford getting the basement finished like all the amatonormative--ugh! couples and families in this neighborhood did, there is essentially only one bedroom. Unlike the rest of the neighbors who clearly have normal attractions and marriages, I have no one to pool my income with. The past year, I've been forced to turn to my mother for financial help every few months. I'm 50 years old and ashamed of it--never in my adult life did I have to resort to asking my parents for money. At my age, I should be helping out THEM.

 

Wish I could tell you it gets easier, but there's no guarantee. The good news is, I still find some way to keep moving through life as wretched-hard as it's been. I didn't think I'd EVER be competent enough to get a better job than retail, and it took 10 years. But it did happen. And for that I am grateful.

Edited by IvoryBill
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Extra Virgin Mary

I'm 31 and I'll probably stay a virgin.  I might try sex one day just to see what the big deal is, but I'm sex averse so it probably won't happen.

 

Being an older virgin used to stress me out.  I kept thinking that as long as I lost my virginity by a certain age it wouldn't be so weird.  Once I admitted to myself that I was ace it took so much weight off of me.

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will123
17 hours ago, Extra Virgin Mary said:

I'm 31 and I'll probably stay a virgin.  I might try sex one day just to see what the big deal is, but I'm sex averse so it probably won't happen.

 

Being an older virgin used to stress me out.  I kept thinking that as long as I lost my virginity by a certain age it wouldn't be so weird.  Once I admitted to myself that I was ace it took so much weight off of me.

X2 on the second paragraph!

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Techie
17 hours ago, Extra Virgin Mary said:

Being an older virgin used to stress me out.  I kept thinking that as long as I lost my virginity by a certain age it wouldn't be so weird.  Once I admitted to myself that I was ace it took so much weight off of me.

I was 51 and still a "Primary Abstainer" (really prefer that medical term over "Virgin") when I discovered AVEN and realized that I met the definition of Heteroromantic Asexual. At that moment, I too felt like a big weight hanging over my head was gone. I did feel a little depressed but I also realized I was simply being what I was. I just did not have a name for it until that moment.

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IvoryBill
21 hours ago, Techie said:

was 51 and still a "Primary Abstainer" (really prefer that medical term over "Virgin")

"Primary abstainer," that's a medical term? I like "primary" something, anyway, but maybe there's a more felicitous word than "abstainer" though...? Growing up in a hard-core Roman catholic household, abstinence applied to foregoing some pleasure, like abstaining from eating chocolate during Lent, and it was to be endured, sometimes with gritted teeth and white knuckles. I must speak for a lot of people on here that eschewing sex isn't worth being on pins and needles about.

 

But it's all much better than "virgin" at least. Virgin has a dozen connotations, all connected with amatonormativity and the patriarchy, all downright insulting and dehumanizing.

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Techie
11 hours ago, IvoryBill said:

"Primary abstainer," that's a medical term?

Yes. It not as common a term as "Secondary Abstainer", which refers to someone who had been sexually active but now practices abstinence, but it is a real term. As I said, I prefer that term to "Virgin" but in certain cases it still makes sense since "Primary Abstainer Mary" would sound funny.

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Nowhere Girl

The one thing I don't like about it is... Well, English is a second language for me, so my English linguistic intuition is surely imperfect, but as far as I know: "celibacy" means not being sexually active for any reason (including asexuality, including chastity wovs, including feeling desire, but just not being able to find an appropriate partner and refusing to satisfy desire and curiousity with just anyone...), while "abstinence" means not being sexually active by choice despite feeling desire.

So an asexual person who just won't try sex (like myself) is also celibate, but not abstinent because they don't have the desire in the first place.

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will123

To describe myself to another person, I would never use the word celibate. Most people know that is a conscious effort on a person's part to not have sex.

 

When I've come out to anyone I tell them that for what ever reason, I'm not attracted to or interested in sex with anyone. It's not a decision on my part. EDIT: "It's out of my hands."

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daveb

To me abstinence and celibacy are both choices. Celibacy is abstaining from sex, and abstaining is choosing to not do something (sex, consuming certain foods or drinks, voting, etc.). Primary abstainer actually sounds like someone choosing not to vote in the primaries. :P :lol: 

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will123
29 minutes ago, daveb said:

To me abstinence and celibacy are both choices. Celibacy is abstaining from sex, and abstaining is choosing to not do something (sex, consuming certain foods or drinks, voting, etc.). 

^ This

I agree 100%

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Extra Virgin Mary
17 hours ago, Techie said:

Yes. It not as common a term as "Secondary Abstainer", which refers to someone who had been sexually active but now practices abstinence, but it is a real term. As I said, I prefer that term to "Virgin" but in certain cases it still makes sense since "Primary Abstainer Mary" would sound funny.

I'm going to need to remember that term.  And "Primary Abstainer Mary," which I love.

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