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Being an older virgin

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Nylocke
On 7/25/2019 at 7:45 PM, griffinej5 said:

I guess because I’m not dating people to turn down. Nobody is getting mad because nobody is getting denied. Literally the only time I told someone no wasn’t all that serious. We half seriously discussed a marriage so that I could have his health benefits. He asked about sex, I said I’d be perfectly fine with him doing that with anyone but me, he didn’t like the idea, discussion ended. 

 

I guess he feels like if you're gonna take his medical then you better "pay up" ... He seems to be fairly chill so that's good that it didn't turn into a bad situation

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griffinej5
1 hour ago, Nylocke said:

 

I guess he feels like if you're gonna take his medical then you better "pay up" ... He seems to be fairly chill so that's good that it didn't turn into a bad situation

Oh yeah. He’s totally cool. I’ve actually known him since he was born. In addition to my not wanting sex with anyone, with him it would be even weirder, because we might as well have been related. I was bringing a much higher earning potential to the party, among other things. It’s all good though. He’s married with two kids now. 

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On 7/10/2019 at 10:32 PM, vanilla black tea said:

The older I get the more surprized I am by the reactions and distrust people have about virgins, like when you're 16, you've to pretend to be one if you aren't actively batting away the suitors, but by the time you hit 30, you must have already done it. I remember even being shamed for not having a high enough number of boyfriends, and those relationships not lasting for a long enough time. I mean, really? I am asexual and aromantic, and i value those traits -- I'm open to a relationship as I get older, to some extent, if you catch me on a rare day, but it would always be deeper, higher and broader than just the deed or lips smashing against each other.

Yeh as you get older some of those same "friends" and people fade away from your life especially if they are childhoods friends in my opinion

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On 7/5/2019 at 5:10 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

I decided to write a longer response. I'm 38 years old, have never been in a relationship (not aromantic though).

I could potentially lose anatomical virginity through autoerotic means. But as for virginity in much more meaningful sense, biographical virginity - I consider it an extremely unlikely thing that this could ever change.

I do feel a little bit of curiousity. But at the same time I'm just extremely uncomfortable with the idea of personally having sex. Pretty much any kind of sex - at least any kind which would require me to at least partially undress and let someone touch me feels so frightening that... really, I'm entirely unable to imagine a single reason which could make me consent to try sex, any single situation in which I could potentially do it. I'm not "uninterested", I'm actively sex-averse.

I guess forums like this make people feel at ease and not an alien in everyday society. Ilat least you are honest with yourself and not in denial of who you are at he present time as far as your feelings about intimacy.

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On 4/4/2019 at 12:01 PM, nerdography said:

I’m 35 and female. And I’m going stay a virgin the rest of my life. When I was younger I wanted to lose it, because I wanted to be included. But, the older I got the less I cared about losing it. And I realized I’m repulsed by sex and kissing.

 

I would like to have a companion that wouldn’t mind holding hands and cuddling in the sofa. But, if that never happens I’m okay with that too.

 

I haven’t told anyone in my life that I’m ace, I have a feeling they wouldn’t understand.

Yeh don't feel the need to tell people others have told people that are Ace but not telling people at times can be less stressful cause many people will start asking all sorts of questions and try to dig deeper into your life and business or even try to fix you or push religion etc..

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Nylocke
On 7/29/2019 at 9:25 AM, griffinej5 said:

Oh yeah. He’s totally cool. I’ve actually known him since he was born. In addition to my not wanting sex with anyone, with him it would be even weirder, because we might as well have been related. I was bringing a much higher earning potential to the party, among other things. It’s all good though. He’s married with two kids now. 

 

I guess what you have is like a "friend of the family" type situation which I never knew such things existed in real life ... xD

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Chef Remy

When I was in early twenties. People just thought I was not a virgin. And lost my virginity later than most people. I don’t think it is a big deal being virgin later in life. But also think it is not something most males or females would admit to....I felt out of place at times when people talked about sex and there first time. But it was not uncomfortable, or unusually since I am asexual. Just don’t think it matters or makes you a better or worse person. It is personal choice. Though I think people should be responsible and think about the consequence when they have sex and not treat so casually.

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will123

When the 'how did you lose your viginity?' question has come up in the past I get very nervous. Fortunately I was able to become invisible while tge others discussed it...

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Catpaws

I'd be okay if I never had sex. It doesn't bother me because it hasn't been of interest, and I don't feel any particular need to experiment with it for the sake of experimentation, personally.

 

It's the expectations and assumptions of society surrounding virginity in general that's been more difficult, for me. I felt very bad about myself for not "being normal", for years - as if I'd somehow failed as a person. I'm a little self-conscious about it still, but it's easier now that I finally realized why I'm uninterested in sex.

 

It's not that difficult to not talk about it because there's this automatic general assumption that everyone has had sex by some point in early adulthood, and so I just let people assume. The only person I've ever admitted my virginity to out loud was one health professional, who immediately cracked a joke at my expense (she thought she was being funny, but it would only have been funny if I'd been lying to her face about being a virgin).

 

My friends recently had a round-the-table discussion and comparison about how many people they've slept with, and I felt very awkward sitting there listening and saying absolutely nothing. To their credit nobody made a big deal about it. I'm not sure that anyone even noticed.

 

At this point, I don't think I mind if people know, I just don't look forward to the inevitable discussions and invasive questions. I prefer to just let people go on assuming.

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Nylocke

I don't feel like its an issue other then having a big red target on your back in the event such information becomes known ... You know the cishet dudes all wanna be the first one so there is that issue.

 

Oh wait I already commented this. I guess I should add that I look quite young for someone who just turned 30 so I tend to attract a lot of older men where I am right now. I like it better when no guys paid attention to me honestly xD

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HelloSnakeEyes

I have avoided this question by being a verbal ninja. I have a tendency to subtly guide any talks about sex into things that, while sex related, demonstrate the bad side of sex. For example a guy brought up porn the other day and I managed to talk about how I watched a Vice news video about a female pornstar who had mental development issues. Needless to say most men find the idea of sex with a person who has the mental ability of a ten year old very disturbing. Shut that conversation right down. My virginity wasn't an issue after that. 

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Sithmaster WinterDragon

I'm 30, and still virgin.

I'll never be sexual on any level with anyone.

I avoid people on the bus where I am and keep a very serious looking face that tends to be "frightening " to other people, so I'm avoided and find it very pleasing since I never will get into a romantic relationship or sleep with anyone or marry anyone. 

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LunarTuna

I’m an older Ace, a Turner Syndrome female, and I have never, and I know will never, have any kind of desire for sex. It really doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  It isn’t something that I think about, well, much at all..😋 I’m Bronwyn, so glad I found AVEN. Looking forward to getting to know everyone.

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Skycaptain

@Bronwyn, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

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will123

@Bronwyn Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :)

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Andrea KF

I never really cared about it and it barely bothers me anymore, since I've understood I'm Ace.

 

Nobody knows of that or my orientation and nobody can force me into telling it.

Can't remember any specific occasion when "friends reveal it all". If that has happened to me, I managed to dodge it.

 

Curious about a few things though, which I'm not physically able to do. But I will never meet anyone i desire to try it with anyway

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BeeCow891

27yr old here and honestly I'm ok with being a virgin and more than likely I will always be one. It use to make me feel weird realizing I was probably the only person to not have sex when that area of topics was brought up but now I'm more settled with it. Especially when you realize how messed up some people's lives got because they just had to have it; I vicariously live through a lot between my sister and friend, and I'm ok with not dealing with any of it directly.

 

And let's be real, it doesn't mean anything, there are people that have sex but act like a "virgin" still, and I frankly have a more vivid imagination than my friends and often understand more sexual activities and kinks because I preferred the internet over sex and people (hello, tumblr). 🤣

 

Also when my doctors all ask "sexually active- no, have kids- no, any chance of a kid- no", makes the questionings go by so much faster. 😁

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Earendil

As a soon to be 34 year old virgin, I don't think it's not having sex that bothers me, it's feeling that I'll always be alone. I would at least like to experience what others have, just once. I want to know how it feels to love and be loved, how it feels to be in a relationship, to have someone. So I guess my main problem with being a virgin is that I feel no guy will ever want me

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will123

When I thought I was straight I felt that I had to have sex to say that I had experienced it once. This in stark contrast that I knew I didn't want a girlfriend.

 

Looking back I don't have any regrets about being a virgin now other the 'worry' I put myself thru...

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Candy322

I wish I could have kept mine. I lost it out if pressure it wasn't what I thought it would be, you virgins are lucky. You're not missing anything especially if you're a loving passionate human being because sex doesn't reflect those things and someone can touch you without any passion... Leaves you feeling empty and questioning yourself. So please I urge all of you to save yourselves.

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Candy322
On 12/24/2019 at 11:08 AM, Earendil said:

As a soon to be 34 year old virgin, I don't think it's not having sex that bothers me, it's feeling that I'll always be alone. I would at least like to experience what others have, just once. I want to know how it feels to love and be loved, how it feels to be in a relationship, to have someone. So I guess my main problem with being a virgin is that I feel no guy will ever want me

I cannot tell you how to feel so I won't. Having sex with someone that cares nothing for you is the worst. Wish I could be a virgin again. I would like to experience love as well. No one has never loved me before and sometimes I think it's me...

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Skycaptain

@Candy322, rest assured it isn't just you. There are many on AVEN who have formed long term relationships where attraction does not involve sex. It may not be easy, be prepared to expect the unexpected, but anything can happen. 

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will123
7 hours ago, Candy322 said:

I wish I could have kept mine. I lost it out if pressure it wasn't what I thought it would be, you virgins are lucky. You're not missing anything especially if you're a loving passionate human being because sex doesn't reflect those things and someone can touch you without any passion... Leaves you feeling empty and questioning yourself. So please I urge all of you to save yourselves.

Thank you for the encouraging words. When I've come out as asexual to my friends I've also told them that I'm a virgin. I'm out to seven friends. One questioned me about sleeping with a female friend. I told him that contrary to common thought we hadn't. In fact when I did tell that female friend that I was asexual and still a virgin, she was really cool about it. Her response was that the world is so over-sexualized, some people aren't going to 'fit in'. Nothing for me to worry about as far as she was concerned.

 

My second coming out in 2018, I thought I had really gone overboard and TMI. I was telling a younger friend's ex-girlfriend (I was still friends with her) about my asexuality and being a virgin. Once I started talking, I couldn't stop. We had never really discussed anything concerning relationships and sex and thought I had freaked her out. She was fine and was glad that I had found happiness.

 

Maybe someday, whether or not a person is a virgin will be a non-issue.

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Nowhere Girl
On 9/6/2019 at 3:38 PM, will123 said:

When the 'how did you lose your viginity?' question has come up in the past I get very nervous. Fortunately I was able to become invisible while tge others discussed it...

It depends on the environment - but in an environment of women only I would be comfortable and even happy to say "I never did".

I could be not comfortable with it in an environment in which I would likely be mocked. I fully accept my effective asexuality, would never want to become strictly allosexual or even sex-indifferent, I am proud of having never had sex because it's a non-conformist choice, but I know how incredible hostility do some people exhibit when someone declares their asexuality, sexual inexperience and/or absolute sexual inavailability. And, even worse, if someone happens not to be a textbook asexual who "doesn't get sex" - such as myself: I have a vivid sexual imagination, but there's Just No Way I would do it personally.

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Nowhere Girl
On 11/24/2019 at 3:50 PM, HelloSnakeEyes said:

I have a tendency to subtly guide any talks about sex into things that, while sex related, demonstrate the bad side of sex. For example a guy brought up porn the other day and I managed to talk about how I watched a Vice news video about a female pornstar who had mental development issues. Needless to say most men find the idea of sex with a person who has the mental ability of a ten year old very disturbing.

Do you know where the material can be found? Because I'm deeply, intensely against all non-consensual sex and I also understand "non-consensual" broadly (for example, "consenting" because one thinks the partner might leave them is not real consent!!).

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will123
On 12/26/2019 at 2:51 PM, Candy322 said:

I wish I could have kept mine. I lost it out if pressure it wasn't what I thought it would be, you virgins are lucky. You're not missing anything especially if you're a loving passionate human being because sex doesn't reflect those things and someone can touch you without any passion... Leaves you feeling empty and questioning yourself. So please I urge all of you to save yourselves.

I'll add something else. To me the older I am, the easier it gets to stay a virgin. If I was to have sex with someone else they would have to be either equally inexperienced or very understanding. I just can't see how it could be an enjoyable experience more likely an unmitigated disaster.

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Techie
2 hours ago, will123 said:

If I was to have sex with someone else they would have to be either equally inexperienced or very understanding. I just can't see how it could be an enjoyable experience more likely an unmitigated disaster.

Bingo! I’m 57 and I cannot even fathom how I would approach the problem. Frankly I always looked at me trying to have sex like trying to solve an engineering problem. Lacking any instinct or spontaneity, I would have to plan every minute detail and have a plan of operation. Maybe even a Bill of Materials 🤣

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will123
2 hours ago, Techie said:

Bingo! I’m 57 and I cannot even fathom how I would approach the problem. Frankly I always looked at me trying to have sex like trying to solve an engineering problem. Lacking any instinct or spontaneity, I would have to plan every minute detail and have a plan of operation. Maybe even a Bill of Materials 🤣

I don't think I would be that 'rigid' but it definitely wouldn't be very spontaneous. I'm a tradesman, so I know what you mean.

 

With me I think I couldn't handle the intimate contact. I'm pretty much at my limit with a hug...

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Homer

My face is the best contraception out there :D besides that, I have got next to none fine motor skills, so sex would be awful for everyone involved. (This would only be cancelled out by myself being a quick shooter, lol. Yes it was awful, but at least it wasn't awful for long :D )

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Techie
12 hours ago, will123 said:

I don't think I would be that 'rigid' but it definitely wouldn't be very spontaneous. I'm a tradesman, so I know what you mean.

 

With me I think I couldn't handle the intimate contact. I'm pretty much at my limit with a hug...

I may have embellished a bit to the point of seeming rigid but for me the big stumbling block is what I believe to be the lack of instinct. There seems to be an innate behavior in most people that basically causes a lot to happen automatically (our reptilian brain function IIRC). Since I have never experience that automatic behavior, I can only surmise it is missing. Basically forces me to do consciously what should happen without thinking.

 

You also bring up intimate contact. I am in that camp too. I have a very hard time with physical contact, even hugging. The odd exception over the years had always been interacting with my young nieces and nephews who I could hug and cuddle and not have any issues. Now the youngest of all my siblings children is a 13 year-old niece who I used to hug all the time and hold until she fell asleep. Now it is back to me having a hard time giving her a hug or even just putting an arm around her. She is also very standoffish with me now and getting several elbows in the stomach any time I put my arms around her pretty much has been staying at arm's length these days. I got a lot of that too when I was quite young so even now I tend to have my guard up if I am hugging.

 

Back in the early 1970's I was diagnosed with ADHD and I was on ADHD meds for many years for it but only when I had school (not on weekends or during the summer). I have found that I tend to by hypersensitive to touch and I suspect the ADHD component is a contributing factor. Anything that adds to my already stimulated mind such as touch, loud noises, strong smells, etc. just exacerbates the situation. The funny thing is the issue with sound and smells only started bothering me in the last few years. I have been coming around the to uneasy prospect that the coping mechanisms I have had all these years to deal with it are beginning to break down with age. I think the mental "firewall" has been getting hit for so long that pieces of it are starting to crumble and things that did not bother me 5 or me years ago are starting to now.

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