Being an older virgin

[will123]

4 minutes ago, Tempesta said:

Just turned 35 and my most sexual experience is having tried a french kiss. Yuck. I'll happily die a virgin, no problem.

 

But what's weird is that I can't see myself mentioning it out loud, for fear of people looking at me like I'm a freak or something. I don't mind my virginity, but I would mind how people might judge me for it, or how they would make a big deal out of it. Is that weird?

I don't think it's weird at all. Speaking for myself, I've only told two people that I was a virgin. One was a girl I knew almost twenty years ago and only slightly experienced (told me she'd had intercourse four times). Later in our friendship she asked me if I could see the two of us having sex. I said no. That was the last time we saw each other. I had several ideas in my head why I felt that way, but still it bothered me why I turned down the possibility of intercourse. This was about four or five years before I found out about asexuality.

 

The second person is a long time school mate of mine.

 

We're nudists, so I'm very comfortable discussing things of a personal nature with him

 

When I decided last year to come out to a few people, I knew he'd be one of them. After telling him that I was asexual, with some degree of aesthetic attraction, he wasn't quite sure. I said, "Dave, I'm 55, still a virgin and can count the number of girls I've been out with on one hand. I'm pretty sure I've never had any desire for sex".  I even recounted the question from twenty years ago. After that he understood where I was coming from.

 

If I come out to anyone else, my virginity MAY or may not come up in the conversation.

[Willgracefan]

1 hour ago, Tempesta said:

Just turned 35 and my most sexual experience is having tried a french kiss. Yuck. I'll happily die a virgin, no problem.

 

But what's weird is that I can't see myself mentioning it out loud, for fear of people looking at me like I'm a freak or something. I don't mind my virginity, but I would mind how people might judge me for it, or how they would make a big deal out of it. Is that weird?

I’m two years older than you but other than that we’re exactly the same! I’ve only kissed and it was just so wet  and slimy. All of my close friends know I’m a virgin but we never ever talk about it. THey certainly don’t know for sure that I’m ace. These are my dearests friends for almost twenty years and while I’ve come close to telling them, I’ve always chickens out. 

So, no. Of course it isn’t weird to worry about what people think of you. It’s human nature, as long as you’re happy! 

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

On 27-1-2018 at 10:24 PM, Tempesta said:

Just turned 35 and my most sexual experience is having tried a french kiss. Yuck. I'll happily die a virgin, no problem.

 

But what's weird is that I can't see myself mentioning it out loud, for fear of people looking at me like I'm a freak or something. I don't mind my virginity, but I would mind how people might judge me for it, or how they would make a big deal out of it. Is that weird?

No, I don't think that's weird. I pretty much feel the same way about it. I never really mention it to anyone (anymore) nowadays. It has never really been a big deal to me, but it has been a big deal to people who I have told in the past. Lord knows why, because I don't care if someone is a virgin or not... We're all people, eh? I have never managed to figure out why it is such a big deal to some people.

[Raire]

36 years old - I've had a handful of opportunities to lose my virginity, but I've never taken things that far. 

In terms of dating I've had a few evenings with two different people that wanted to be more than friends. 

One or two drunken kisses (me being the sober one). 

And that's the lot. And I'm fine with that. 

[will123]

@Raire

You're not alone, there are others here like myself, that have had 'friends' but never felt the need for sex even though it may have been staring it in our faces. 

[heapinfrimp]

Every year on my birthday I make in my twitter heap the same lame "joke" about "in X more years I will owe Steve Carell royalties."  Although I never tell anybody that it is my birthday so they probably have no clue what I am talking about.  But they usually do not so I do not dwell on it.  I am uncertain what will happen once I reach the age of forty years.  I am more worried about what things I want to do that I will not yet have done.

[Carly_]

I'm a 39 year old virgin and I'm very curious about sex because I don't know if I'm asexual or demisexual. A very spiritual type of sex doesn't sound bad to me, but out of curiosity as to what sex is like I looked at Tumblr porn and I am averse to that.

[Tyger Songbird]

Well, I am 27 years-old, and I'm a virgin. The most I have actually ever done is kiss someone, and that's it. I've never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I only kissed a friend of mine, one time. It wasn't a french kiss, as I could never want someone's tongue in my mouth. After I kissed an old friend of mine, I felt like a nervousness to it, and when I was done, I felt an erection (which I tend to get when I'm anxious or neurotic). It felt so strange and embarrassing to have that happen, especially since I didn't want that to happen. My 'reactions' just sort of spontaneously happen, I guess.

 

There is a sense of curiosity as to what it would be like to actually have sex and all that. I do sometimes wonder what it is really like. After all, it seems like you hear about it all the time. That being said, I really don't care to ever do it. If I never felt any sort of pressure to do it, and nobody would ever say "Just try it once and give it a shot!", then I would be absolutely content with things. I don't want to try it out, and I hope to never do so.

 

The only thing I want to do is to be more open about being asexual in real life. Honestly, I'm getting more and more tired of being in the closet or having to pretend I'm straight just to fit into a heteronormative society that doesn't allow for people like me to ever breathe easy. I hate the idea that I have to fit in and hide who I truly am so that I can somehow integrate into this world. I want to be me, and that me is asexual. I'm not faking, and I'm not going to just stay in the asexuality closet anymore. I want to be true, and I'm sorry for those people who get upset and feel I'm missing out by not putting out.  However, I'm not sorry. I wish people would just accept it honestly and leave me be. I'm asexual, and I like being that way. Deal with it.

[Raire]

1 hour ago, Carly_ said:

I'm a 39 year old virgin and I'm very curious about sex because I don't know if I'm asexual or demisexual. A very spiritual type of sex doesn't sound bad to me, but out of curiosity as to what sex is like I looked at Tumblr porn and I am averse to that.

Welcome to the forums @Carly_  

 

'Porn' as a construct is not something you want to read too much into if you really want to know what sex is (unless you're just interested in the mechanics of things). If it's being filmed then 99% of the time the 'actors' will be playing up to the camera. Obviously in these cases there wouldn't be much real emotion, and certainly no spirituality. However, such musing are irrelevant to this topic so I'll be quiet! 

 

As for you @tygersongbird, good on you! I don't shout about being ace, but I certainly wouldn't want to be in the closet about it given half the chance. 

[Carly_]

41 minutes ago, Raire said:

'Porn' as a construct is not something you want to read too much into if you really want to know what sex is (unless you're just interested in the mechanics of things). If it's being filmed then 99% of the time the 'actors' will be playing up to the camera. Obviously in these cases there wouldn't be much real emotion, and certainly no spirituality.

I watched the amateur stuff without knowing if it's what sex is really like, but at any rate I don't like it. 

[Willgracefan]

3 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

 I hate the idea that I have to fit in and hide who I truly am so that I can somehow integrate into this world. I want to be me, and that me is asexual. I'm not faking, and I'm not going to just stay in the asexuality closet anymore. I want to be true, and I'm sorry for those people who get upset and feel I'm missing out by not putting out.  However, I'm not sorry. I wish people would just accept it honestly and leave me be. I'm asexual, and I like being that way. Deal with it.

When I accepted who I was I was SO happy that my life finally made sense and I wanted to share it with my best friends. I hesitated because I didn’t want them to think I was just saying I was Ace to hide behind how I couldn’t get a boyfriend. I also knew that coming out as ace doesn’t change, I’m not going to start dating a different sex,as if I came out as gay, like literally nothing was changing so why did my friends need to know. 

I spoke to my best friend who is a lesbian and she said that even if nothing will change, within your friendship, there will now be an underlying understanding that may only further booster friendships...  so yes! Your statements of fierceness a our being open, meant so much to me. Be you and I’ll be me! 

 

[Tyger Songbird]

1 hour ago, Willgracefan said:

When I accepted who I was I was SO happy that my life finally made sense and I wanted to share it with my best friends. I hesitated because I didn’t want them to think I was just saying I was Ace to hide behind how I couldn’t get a boyfriend. I also knew that coming out as ace doesn’t change, I’m not going to start dating a different sex,as if I came out as gay, like literally nothing was changing so why did my friends need to know. 

I spoke to my best friend who is a lesbian and she said that even if nothing will change, within your friendship, there will now be an underlying understanding that may only further booster friendships...  so yes! Your statements of fierceness a our being open, meant so much to me. Be you and I’ll be me! 

 

Muchas gracias, sir. We need to be more fierce to the world at large, I think we need to be more visible so that people can no longer say to us all that "everyone needs sex to be normal". The day where it is accepted that "not everyone needs sex" will be a great day, honestly.

[Entmoot]

On 2/11/2018 at 7:10 PM, Willgracefan said:

When I accepted who I was I was SO happy that my life finally made sense and I wanted to share it with my best friends. I hesitated because I didn’t want them to think I was just saying I was Ace to hide behind how I couldn’t get a boyfriend. I also knew that coming out as ace doesn’t change, I’m not going to start dating a different sex,as if I came out as gay, like literally nothing was changing so why did my friends need to know. 

I spoke to my best friend who is a lesbian and she said that even if nothing will change, within your friendship, there will now be an underlying understanding that may only further booster friendships...  so yes! Your statements of fierceness a our being open, meant so much to me. Be you and I’ll be me! 

 

This perfectly describes how I'm feeling right now, having just recently joined this site and started really digging into this whole "self-acceptance" thing. While I feel like my being a virgin and uninterested in sex has probably been an unspoken truth to my close friends, I honestly have no idea what they really think is going on. And now that I feel this shift in myself, which is mainly a very positive thing for my self-esteem, I feel the urge to share it with them like I would share any other good news. But still, I hesitate. I suppose I worry that some of them will be dubious and try to convince me (or secretly believe) that I'm just being avoidant, cowardly, or immature. But even in cases where they accept me--which will probably be the majority, at least to my face--I feel embarrassed to share something so intimate, even though it's a lack of something. So while I kind of hate the idea of "coming out" or that I'm even in an asexual closet, I guess I must be if I'm actively withholding information that's important to my life. And reading posts like this makes me think it will ultimately be a positive thing to be more open.

 

To answer the original question: In my early 20s (I'm 28 now) it definitely bothered me that I was a virgin, but it was purely because of what that--in my mind--meant about me and how there must be something wrong with me. I felt no curiosity about the act itself, and whenever I seriously tried to imagine "getting it over with," the only circumstance I could even imagine was being extremely high on some mind-altering drug like ecstasy (which I've never done but somehow got it in my head that it would make me more open to sex). Now I'm more comfortable with the idea of dying a virgin, but I'm bothered by the idea of never finding a partner with whom I could answer once and for all whether I could ever be sexually attracted to someone. I no longer see the point in losing my virginity just to lose it; it's more about achieving emotional intimacy, where that is the end goal, and if physical intimacy comes with it (and magically erases my aversion to sex), then so be it.

[Palovana]

I'm almost 30. Not sure if I'm technically "a virgin" or not because of sexual abuse, or if I even agree with the concept. I guess if we're talking about PIV heterosexual intercourse, then yes, I am, and I see no reason I should want to change that. I like myself this way. Something I've found is becoming difficult though over the last few years though is that people do no believe me if I say I've never had sex. People already acted surprised when I was 19-20, but now people just don't even believe me. This is especially difficult with doctors, who look completely scandalized when I say I've never been sexually active, and ask me a million times (and wasting my fucking time and money because they've projected their expectations onto me) "are you sure???" No, idk, maybe I was sleep walking one night and fornicated with banana. Seriously, it pisses me off that it's expected that everyone fucks by a certain age, and that if you don't you must either be sick or lying. I really don't think about being a virgin, though.

[korik]

On ‎2‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 6:07 PM, tygersongbird said:

Muchas gracias, sir. We need to be more fierce to the world at large, I think we need to be more visible so that people can no longer say to us all that "everyone needs sex to be normal". The day where it is accepted that "not everyone needs sex" will be a great day, honestly.

A couple of co-workers were talking to each other and while I was not actively involved in the conversation, I was standing with them in the group. The one said, "everyone has sex."  (like, "everyone poops.") So I joined in and said, "I don't!" - I did not use the words "I'm asexual" but I made it very clear that I had NO interest in any of that. Even including that I "never have, and never will."

And she accepted my answer without judgement.

 

My hope is that it is simply a matter of education. And someday it will be common knowledge that we exist.

[Tyger Songbird]

1 minute ago, korik said:

A couple of co-workers were talking to each other and while I was not actively involved in the conversation, I was standing with them in the group. The one said, "everyone has sex."  (like, "everyone poops.") So I joined in and said, "I don't!" - I did not use the words "I'm asexual" but I made it very clear that I had NO interest in any of that. Even including that I "never have, and never will."

And she accepted my answer without judgement.

 

My hope is that it is simply a matter of education. And someday it will be common knowledge that we exist.

You go, you go! W2G! I wish I had more courage to come out and openly admit we're asexuals in the community at large. I'm still learning how to open up and tell people how I'm still a virgin. I tend to be afraid to do that. Maybe make a baby step and move past the first mark in that.

[korik]

Just now, tygersongbird said:

You go, you go! W2G! I wish I had more courage to come out and openly admit we're asexuals in the community at large. I'm still learning how to open up and tell people how I'm still a virgin. I tend to be afraid to do that. Maybe make a baby step and move past the first mark in that.

I feel very comfortable in my work place. I guess I'm lucky. Virtually HALF of my entire work place are in the LGBT alphabet. And most are very excepting of it. 

[Tyger Songbird]

Just now, korik said:

I feel very comfortable in my work place. I guess I'm lucky. Virtually HALF of my entire work place are in the LGBT alphabet. And most are very excepting of it. 

I wish I could say the same for mine. Unfortunately, most of the people I know are hardcore sex hounds who hunger for sex. My workplace would not be welcome to a guy like me. Welcome to ostracism if that happened, and rumors fly fast here.

[will123]

9 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

I wish I could say the same for mine. Unfortunately, most of the people I know are hardcore sex hounds who hunger for sex. My workplace would not be welcome to a guy like me. Welcome to ostracism if that happened, and rumors fly fast here.

My workplace would be closer to this than @korik workplace. Sex was discussed but I don't recall if I was pointedly asked (maybe my memory is selective?) about it.

[Marty1962]

Sex is highly overated, I remember thinking is that it? You are not missing a thing.

[Skycaptain]

I'm astonished at some folks behaviour. At no point in any employment have work colleagues asked any questions about my sexuality, do I have a girlfriend /boyfriend etc, I can only assume that I must radiate asexulity so much that they've never queried this. However I am openly asexual since January 2014 when asexulity was introduced to me. 

[korik]

On ‎4‎/‎7‎/‎2018 at 10:26 PM, tygersongbird said:

I wish I could say the same for mine. Unfortunately, most of the people I know are hardcore sex hounds who hunger for sex. My workplace would not be welcome to a guy like me. Welcome to ostracism if that happened, and rumors fly fast here.

I remember a conversation between 2 [different] people. one a self-proclaimed "boy crazy" woman who admits to having a lot of sex. and a woman in her late 20s who said she was still a virgin. the sex-obsessed woman said 'no shame in that.' 

I think my work place is filled with a lot of great people. (even if some are sex-crazed.) I appreciate that people are (mostly) non-judgmental. 

[will123]

@korik Until my nudist friend settled down and moved in with a woman I'm sure 'woman crazy' would've been an accurate description of him. Being a virgin, asexual male, it was the last thing I wanted to hear about.

[Guest]

I'm 38 and never been kissed. Why would you want someone else rooting in your mouth with their tongue? Not cool. But I come from a community that would certainly think I was weird if they knew so I don't even mention it. It is hard to deal with people who are frank about sex they make me nervous because I expect them to ask me about my conquests. I sure do have a weak bladder around them though!😁 It doesn't bother me in the least really. I have had a few experiences to "do it" but was so oblivious. One girl took me to her bed room, sat me on the bed, and started playing mood music. I remember she asked a question in passing about how emotional a part of the music was and I made  a 10 minute speech on the Hammond B3 organ. 😂😂😂😂 Oh man, it was probably painful and embarrassing for her but I didn't even realize what had happened until about a month after she quit seeing me. What a time it was.😂

[will123]

2 minutes ago, ABryonJ.maybe said:

I have had a few experiences to "do it" but was so oblivious. One girl took me to her bed room, sat me on the bed, and started playing mood music. I remember she asked a question in passing about how emotional a part of the music was and made like a 10 minute speech on the Hammond B3 organ. 😂😂😂😂 Oh man, it was probably painful and embarrassing for her but I didn't even realize what had happened until about a month after she quit seeing me. What a time it was.😂

Talk about awkward 

 

 

 

[Guest]

@will123 For her certainly. I don't think she held it against me, we still talk occasionally. So water under the bridge!

[will123]

 Not sure if I've posted about my failed kiss with a female friend at the end of my 1998 visit to see her in Alberta. But I'll talk about the sequel in '99. I’m not sure what got me thinking about these two trips, but it could be that this May will be the 20^thanniversary of the first trip.

 

We had such a good time together that week in '98, we decided that rather than stick around in the Alberta and British Columbia areas, we’d take a road trip the south end of the Alaskan ‘panhandle’. Well I arrived by air and we went for a bite because of the time difference. For some reason during dinner she mentioned that it had been quite awhile since she’d had sex. I have no idea why she would’ve said that as we NEVER, EVER talked about sex. I blurted out, “Well I’m still a virgin, so we could solve two problems…” “I don’t think that’ll happen” was her answer. I haven’t thought of that in a very long time.

 

I have no idea why she would've said it since the pair of us had never been remotely intimate. For a split second I thought I might've gotten laid. This was about six years before I found out about asexuality and thought I was straight, just not doing a very good job of it.

 

[Lynne82]

I have never been on a date, never held hands, never kissed, and never done anything else either. I do feel shame. I’m still grappling with the idea that it’s maybe not that I’m completely broken, defective, etc. The media makes fun of the idea of the idea of never having been kissed or being a ____ year old virgin. I don’t know. I don’t like being touched in general, but will hug people I know well, like family members. I think if I find a partner I could probably become comfortable with hugging or an arm around the shoulder. 

 

I have sensory integration issues as well, and kissing has a layer of risk for me because I have severe food allergies. I don’t care if I never experience sex, I have never had the slightest interest, and I totally agree that the idea of another person’s tongue in my mouth is repulsive. 

 

But I can relate to the thoughts of “getting it over with” just to feel normal. It has never come to that because I don’t believe that anyone would ever be attracted to me. I am shy, self-conscious, lacking self-confidence, overweight and out of shape. So the boys were never lining up to ask me out, so to speak, even when I was young and athletic. Attending an all-girls high school made it easy to avoid the issue altogether.

 

Some part of me wonders if I am truly asexual or just lack any feelings due to severe/chronic depression. Add in anxiety and I tend to just avoid people in general if I can. I don’t know what it feels like to not be depressed so I do have some curiosity what that might be like. I think I’m probably asexual though. Even back when I was in grade 7, when the other girls were starting to talk about boys and crushes, it one day occurred to me that maybe I should like someone too. So I chose one of the boys in my class and decided that I should have a crush on him. It was very deliberate, because I thought I should have those feelings rather than actually having any real feelings. The funny part is that I was too shy/embarrassed to talk about it with the other girls, so I basically convinced myself to have a crush on him for two years, wrote all about him in my journal, blushed whenever he looked in my direction, etc., without ever telling anyone else. I did like him a lot, but I had no desire to kiss him.

[will123]

3 minutes ago, Lynne82 said:

I have never been on a date, never held hands, never kissed, and never done anything else either. I do feel shame. I’m still grappling with the idea that it’s maybe not that I’m completely broken, defective, etc. The media makes fun of the idea of the idea of never having been kissed or being a ____ year old virgin. I don’t know.

As Canadians we've been subjected to that 'wonderful' song by The Tragically Hip. I know it's about an escaped convict, but to me it had an other meaning which I didn't enjoy. As soon as it comes on, I change the station. Then again I've never been a Hip fan to start with.

[will123]

I'll preface this post by saying that I'm not a very religious person nor were my parents. I don't have a lot in the way of philosophical thoughts either.

 

Tonight I was exchanging messages with a younger AVENite who said they would like to have sex once in their life just to see what it felt like. 

 

I in return said when I was younger and thought I was straight wanted to lose my virginity because that's what everbody is 'supposed' to do. 

 

After identifying as an asexual way back when, the idea of having sex (and the loss of my virginity) more or less left my consciousness. 

 

Only recently has the thought of keeping my virginity entered my thoughts. If and it is a VERY small if, I was confronted with the possibility of sex, I don't I feel I could engage in it because of being a virgin.

 

I have to hold my virginity to my heart because it is a part of what makes me who I am. I don't think I'm better because I am a virgin or would be worse if I wasn't. It's more of a 'I wouldn't be whole without it' thought.

 

It's definitely not like "I'm saving it for someone" which is what you hear younger people in various media say. I have this feeling that I couldn't bear to part with it.

 

This probably doesn't make sense but the 'conversation' tonight really brought those feelings to the forefront. I know virginity is just some state of mind or abstract concept that doesn't exist. Have any of you had thoughts on a similar vein or want to comment on my thoughts (like I've gone off my rocker)?