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Being an older virgin


globetrotter85

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@Techie I mentioned this elsewhere before:

 

Spoiler

I don't think I could handle the thought of the one girl (that asked me about having sex) taking me inside of her. Too far inside my personal space.

 

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On 12/27/2019 at 6:19 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

Do you know where the material can be found? Because I'm deeply, intensely against all non-consensual sex and I also understand "non-consensual" broadly (for example, "consenting" because one thinks the partner might leave them is not real consent!!).

Just look up Hannah Hayes Interview and you'll see what I'm talking about. 

 

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On 12/28/2019 at 6:49 AM, Homer said:

My face is the best contraception out there :D besides that, I have got next to none fine motor skills, so sex would be awful for everyone involved. (This would only be cancelled out by myself being a quick shooter, lol. Yes it was awful, but at least it wasn't awful for long :D )

I can see getting the shakes as something that could be helpful, though.😂

Spoiler

👇

 

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On ‎12‎/‎28‎/‎2019 at 10:51 AM, Techie said:

I may have embellished a bit to the point of seeming rigid but for me the big stumbling block is what I believe to be the lack of instinct. There seems to be an innate behavior in most people that basically causes a lot to happen automatically (our reptilian brain function IIRC). Since I have never experience that automatic behavior, I can only surmise it is missing. Basically forces me to do consciously what should happen without thinking.

 

Back in the early 1970's I was diagnosed with ADHD and I was on ADHD meds for many years for it but only when I had school (not on weekends or during the summer). I have found that I tend to by hypersensitive to touch and I suspect the ADHD component is a contributing factor. Anything that adds to my already stimulated mind such as touch, loud noises, strong smells, etc. just exacerbates the situation. The funny thing is the issue with sound and smells only started bothering me in the last few years. I have been coming around the to uneasy prospect that the coping mechanisms I have had all these years to deal with it are beginning to break down with age. I think the mental "firewall" has been getting hit for so long that pieces of it are starting to crumble and things that did not bother me 5 or me years ago are starting to now.

 

Add me into this camp as well. Every time the situation has almost come up, I start spinning my mental wheels trying to figure out what the right way of it all is. I start trying to figure out a standard operating procedure, which then ramps up performance anxiety and perfectionism. I've concluded that since I have no actual desire for it, why bother since I'm fairly sure it's going to be more of an anxiety-laden chore than anything enjoyable.

 

I've also experienced my sensitivities getting worse as I get older. A couple of years ago, I wasn't bothered by the sound of high heels on a hard surface, now it's like nails on a blackboard to me. Given the increasing difficulty of processing things I didn't have as much trouble with a few years ago, that's one more reason why I see no need to even consider trying sex.

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When I think of sex I think of smashing a taco bell hardshell taco on top of a sausage pizza and smiling with a mildly manic fixed smile and the this always makes me laugh because sex would be just as absurd.

 

As a teen though I would see females as ugly as me (yes mean thought) and wonder how they had boyfriends, was it just makeup and dresses because no way would I do that, and then I realized it was probably because they liked or were willing to do sex stuff and gave off an 'I would possibly enjoy sex stuff' vibe. Maybe? 

 

I am only constantly pissed off at how difficult it is to rent somewhere for a single person income. Fuck, I just want to be a low income anxiety ridden 32 year old virgin who can have my two cats and still rent somewhere by MYSELF for 350 a month!!! Avg here is about $600,for a 2br with no pets because it is a college town. Like, just let me live by myself forever without having to work to death for it society!!!!!! I would die from excess human interaction at 40hrs a week and all I know is retail.

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  • 2 weeks later...

@will123

 

It is a blessing that you've came to this conclusion just wish I didn't fall under pressure *singed in Freddie Murcury voice* . I have found ways to heal from the disaster that happened takes time but I know better now...

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On 1/2/2020 at 4:45 AM, Gnomeish said:

When I think of sex I think of smashing a taco bell hardshell taco on top of a sausage pizza and smiling with a mildly manic fixed smile and the this always makes me laugh because sex would be just as absurd.

 

As a teen though I would see females as ugly as me (yes mean thought) and wonder how they had boyfriends, was it just makeup and dresses because no way would I do that, and then I realized it was probably because they liked or were willing to do sex stuff and gave off an 'I would possibly enjoy sex stuff' vibe. Maybe? 

 

I am only constantly pissed off at how difficult it is to rent somewhere for a single person income. Fuck, I just want to be a low income anxiety ridden 32 year old virgin who can have my two cats and still rent somewhere by MYSELF for 350 a month!!! Avg here is about $600,for a 2br with no pets because it is a college town. Like, just let me live by myself forever without having to work to death for it society!!!!!! I would die from excess human interaction at 40hrs a week and all I know is retail.

Oh, this is me too! I'm stressing over buying a home as a single person on a low income as I only work 32 hours a week. It's going to take forever to save. But as someone with social anxiety the thought of working 5 days or even more a week is terrifying. Out of all my friends I'm the only single person, most of them live with their partners. It is so much easier when you have someone else! 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/1/2020 at 11:45 PM, Gnomeish said:

I am only constantly pissed off at how difficult it is to rent somewhere for a single person income. Fuck, I just want to be a low income anxiety ridden 32 year old virgin who can have my two cats and still rent somewhere by MYSELF for 350 a month!!! Avg here is about $600,for a 2br with no pets because it is a college town. Like, just let me live by myself forever without having to work to death for it society!!!!!! I would die from excess human interaction at 40hrs a week and all I know is retail.

You are exactly as I was at 32. Only my rent at the time was about $900 for a 2 bdrm. In 2004, the managers raised the rent to $1200, justifying it by calling it the "market average." When my retail job suddenly went into upheaval, I was working 60 hours a week even during the off-season, realized the panic attacks were simply too much and I had to stop working there. I miserably moved back home with my parents and paid them with nominal rent and lots of housework and babysitting of nieces & nephews.

 

It took nearly a decade to find a full-time job in a field I relate to (age 41) and eventually buy a small house (at age 44). At that point I thought things would get financially easier, but it's been the opposite. I fall behind more and more each month. I live by myself and my panic attacks can't even allow for the thought of taking in a roommate.  Since I'll never be able to afford getting the basement finished like all the amatonormative--ugh! couples and families in this neighborhood did, there is essentially only one bedroom. Unlike the rest of the neighbors who clearly have normal attractions and marriages, I have no one to pool my income with. The past year, I've been forced to turn to my mother for financial help every few months. I'm 50 years old and ashamed of it--never in my adult life did I have to resort to asking my parents for money. At my age, I should be helping out THEM.

 

Wish I could tell you it gets easier, but there's no guarantee. The good news is, I still find some way to keep moving through life as wretched-hard as it's been. I didn't think I'd EVER be competent enough to get a better job than retail, and it took 10 years. But it did happen. And for that I am grateful.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Extra Virgin Mary

I'm 31 and I'll probably stay a virgin.  I might try sex one day just to see what the big deal is, but I'm sex averse so it probably won't happen.

 

Being an older virgin used to stress me out.  I kept thinking that as long as I lost my virginity by a certain age it wouldn't be so weird.  Once I admitted to myself that I was ace it took so much weight off of me.

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17 hours ago, Extra Virgin Mary said:

I'm 31 and I'll probably stay a virgin.  I might try sex one day just to see what the big deal is, but I'm sex averse so it probably won't happen.

 

Being an older virgin used to stress me out.  I kept thinking that as long as I lost my virginity by a certain age it wouldn't be so weird.  Once I admitted to myself that I was ace it took so much weight off of me.

X2 on the second paragraph!

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17 hours ago, Extra Virgin Mary said:

Being an older virgin used to stress me out.  I kept thinking that as long as I lost my virginity by a certain age it wouldn't be so weird.  Once I admitted to myself that I was ace it took so much weight off of me.

I was 51 and still a "Primary Abstainer" (really prefer that medical term over "Virgin") when I discovered AVEN and realized that I met the definition of Heteroromantic Asexual. At that moment, I too felt like a big weight hanging over my head was gone. I did feel a little depressed but I also realized I was simply being what I was. I just did not have a name for it until that moment.

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21 hours ago, Techie said:

was 51 and still a "Primary Abstainer" (really prefer that medical term over "Virgin")

"Primary abstainer," that's a medical term? I like "primary" something, anyway, but maybe there's a more felicitous word than "abstainer" though...? Growing up in a hard-core Roman catholic household, abstinence applied to foregoing some pleasure, like abstaining from eating chocolate during Lent, and it was to be endured, sometimes with gritted teeth and white knuckles. I must speak for a lot of people on here that eschewing sex isn't worth being on pins and needles about.

 

But it's all much better than "virgin" at least. Virgin has a dozen connotations, all connected with amatonormativity and the patriarchy, all downright insulting and dehumanizing.

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11 hours ago, IvoryBill said:

"Primary abstainer," that's a medical term?

Yes. It not as common a term as "Secondary Abstainer", which refers to someone who had been sexually active but now practices abstinence, but it is a real term. As I said, I prefer that term to "Virgin" but in certain cases it still makes sense since "Primary Abstainer Mary" would sound funny.

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everywhere and nowhere

The one thing I don't like about it is... Well, English is a second language for me, so my English linguistic intuition is surely imperfect, but as far as I know: "celibacy" means not being sexually active for any reason (including asexuality, including chastity wovs, including feeling desire, but just not being able to find an appropriate partner and refusing to satisfy desire and curiousity with just anyone...), while "abstinence" means not being sexually active by choice despite feeling desire.

So an asexual person who just won't try sex (like myself) is also celibate, but not abstinent because they don't have the desire in the first place.

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To describe myself to another person, I would never use the word celibate. Most people know that is a conscious effort on a person's part to not have sex.

 

When I've come out to anyone I tell them that for what ever reason, I'm not attracted to or interested in sex with anyone. It's not a decision on my part. EDIT: "It's out of my hands."

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To me abstinence and celibacy are both choices. Celibacy is abstaining from sex, and abstaining is choosing to not do something (sex, consuming certain foods or drinks, voting, etc.). Primary abstainer actually sounds like someone choosing not to vote in the primaries. :P :lol: 

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29 minutes ago, daveb said:

To me abstinence and celibacy are both choices. Celibacy is abstaining from sex, and abstaining is choosing to not do something (sex, consuming certain foods or drinks, voting, etc.). 

^ This

I agree 100%

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Extra Virgin Mary
17 hours ago, Techie said:

Yes. It not as common a term as "Secondary Abstainer", which refers to someone who had been sexually active but now practices abstinence, but it is a real term. As I said, I prefer that term to "Virgin" but in certain cases it still makes sense since "Primary Abstainer Mary" would sound funny.

I'm going to need to remember that term.  And "Primary Abstainer Mary," which I love.

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  • 1 month later...
On 2/11/2020 at 9:55 AM, daveb said:

To me abstinence and celibacy are both choices. Celibacy is abstaining from sex, and abstaining is choosing to not do something (sex, consuming certain foods or drinks, voting, etc.). Primary abstainer actually sounds like someone choosing not to vote in the primaries. :P :lol: 

Like the voters in Wisconsin this Tues.

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On 4/4/2020 at 3:47 AM, outolintu said:

...Dunno what she would think if she found out her daughter is a soon-to-be 30yo virgin. Thanks to this oversexualized culture I still feel like a child just because I've never had sex.

I understand what you mean, about feeling like a child for being a virgin.

 

I think it's gotten a little easier for me; getting older and embracing "feeling like a child" doesn't seem so bad, anymore. Enjoying my hobbies feels good.

 

@Nick2 

Quote

Like the voters in Wisconsin this Tues.

I can't believe it hasn't been postponed; other states have postponed theirs!

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On 4/4/2020 at 3:47 AM, outolintu said:

I had an awkward moment with my mother just a few days ago: She made a joke about condoms while we were handling disposable gloves due to corona. I didn't have the heart to tell her I've never seen a condom in real life and knew nothing of such stuff. Dunno what she would think if she found out her daughter is a soon-to-be 30yo virgin. Thanks to this oversexualized culture I still feel like a child just because I've never had sex.

When I told a friend that I was asexual (i had to explain it to her), her response was, "Well with the world so oversexed, it not hard to think that there are people that don't fit". She was completely fine with me identifying as such. We've known each other since our late teens. Her next comment was, "I guess I should feel honoured that you feel comfortable enough to tell me". "Well I figured we've spent so much time together and I was probably the only guy that never tried to get into your pants. I felt like I should explain why". "Well that is probably true", she replied. 

 

As can be expected, when I had to head home I gave her a big hug. I was so happy that our chat had gone so well. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years (she lives on Canada's west coast) and she was home to visit her parents. She was on my list of friends that I had decided to come out to.

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Lord Jade Cross
On 4/4/2020 at 3:47 AM, outolintu said:

I had an awkward moment with my mother just a few days ago: She made a joke about condoms while we were handling disposable gloves due to corona. I didn't have the heart to tell her I've never seen a condom in real life and knew nothing of such stuff. Dunno what she would think if she found out her daughter is a soon-to-be 30yo virgin. Thanks to this oversexualized culture I still feel like a child just because I've never had sex.

 

OMG is that avatar the time creatures from Chrono Trigger? :D I love that game so much!

 

I do share the sentiment of this as well. There seems to be a general idea that one is not "mature" if you have not engaged in sex which is such a damaging idea.

 

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

You’d be amazed how intrusive some people can be! I’m 66 & my sister & her husband are obsessed with my lack of sex life. I had a neighbor who apparently decided I was gay because I never had men coming & going from my house but did have women there. I’m ace/heteroromantic & being mislabeled bothered me. Then 1 night, the neighbor came close to raping me. He was drunk enough that I was able to fend him off, but then he wanted an explanation of why I didn’t want sex with him. (Like I just don’t isn’t enough?) I went to my fall back position of religious conviction & he even argued about that! When I went from being polite but firm to hostile, he finally got it & left. But it left me feeling vulnerable. I’ve stopped dating because I can’t handle straight guys expecting sex on the first or second date. I don’t even suggest they think about never. And they ALL have expectations! As I tell my friends at times, there are worse things than being single!

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@bsly54 Oh my! And I thought I had a neighbour from hell.

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14 hours ago, bsly54 said:

You’d be amazed how intrusive some people can be! I’m 66 & my sister & her husband are obsessed with my lack of sex life. I had a neighbor who apparently decided I was gay because I never had men coming & going from my house but did have women there. I’m ace/heteroromantic & being mislabeled bothered me. Then 1 night, the neighbor came close to raping me. He was drunk enough that I was able to fend him off, but then he wanted an explanation of why I didn’t want sex with him. (Like I just don’t isn’t enough?) I went to my fall back position of religious conviction & he even argued about that! When I went from being polite but firm to hostile, he finally got it & left. But it left me feeling vulnerable. I’ve stopped dating because I can’t handle straight guys expecting sex on the first or second date. I don’t even suggest they think about never. And they ALL have expectations! As I tell my friends at times, there are worse things than being single!

 

All cis hetero dudes expect sex. That is just a fact of life unfortunately ... I am in a similiar position where I am having issues with my parents in the house and my boyfriend is pressing me to move in with him even though I'd really prefer to be married because he has more "sexual requirements" then I do and to me "shacking up" = sex.

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To add to my previous post, the only time my singleness was brought up was when the daughter of one of the neighbours (Kelley had grown up and moved out of her parents' house) set me up on a blind date with her sister in law. This was when I still thought I was straight, so it didn't really bother me. Had it been after I identified as asexual, I most definitely been very uncomfortable about it.

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I'm 27. I'm comfortable with not having sex ever. I'm myself, you know. It feels ok. 

 

But the whole situation is a mixture of various elements.

 

I would be nervous to tell some people about it. BUT, at the same time, I'm a part of this forum. My first name and the initial of my surname are parts of my nick. I've decided to write this post. I want to be myself AND would be afraid of being made fun of. :(😶  So,... ;)

 

But would I ever try sex? I don't know what I would feel having sex. I experience some sensations, I enjoy them, but actual sex is a different thing. I suppose I would't decide to try it. :)

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I’m 22 and still virgin. I never had sex, had my first kiss, dated anyone, folded hands with anyone or had a crush on anyone from when I went to school to now. I do think about it sometimes, but it’s actually pretty cool if you think about it. 

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RandomLibraryGhost

The first time I had sex was on my 24th birthday (sounds much cheesier than it was) and up until then I really felt like I needed to get it over with, try all the things before it's too late. Now that I've had a first taste I'm much more meh about the whole thing. I'd still like to try some specific stuff I haven't done yet with my next partner but it feels a lot less urgent after how underwhelming the experiences I had were. If there weren't such a stigma about being a virgin I'd probably still be one.

It's also pretty funny how most of my friends had just assumed that I've had sex before, you should have seen their faces when I admitted that those most recent experiences were my only ones. I used to feel so defensive about my lack of experience but now? It is actually kinda freeing to go "yeah I tried that once, literally realized I was ace shortly afterwards" 😂.

 

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I'm a 26 year old virgin and idk if it's because I'm ace or because I am scared.

 

I don't feel comfortable having sex but i also don't feel comfortable that I haven't had sex.

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