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Being an older virgin


globetrotter85

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The only thing that bothers me about virginity is the fact that the wrong person finding out could "pursue me" for very obvious reasons ... I always feel like many people(especially cishet guys) chase after such things

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@Nylocke, unfortunately some MCPs see a virgin as a notch on the bedpost :mad:

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/12/2019 at 3:09 PM, Skycaptain said:

@Nylocke, unfortunately some MCPs see a virgin as a notch on the bedpost :mad:

... yea, that's the problem. Literally an example of cishet trash xD

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On 6/12/2019 at 6:09 PM, Skycaptain said:

@Nylocke, unfortunately some MCPs see a virgin as a notch on the bedpost :mad:

 

7 hours ago, Nylocke said:

... yea, that's the problem. Literally an example of cishet trash xD

I looked up MCP but couldn't find an explanation. Can someone explain it to me?

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@will123Male Chauvinist Pig 

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7 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

@will123Male Chauvinist Pig 

Thank you. :(

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Like I said last year, gotta curb the dudes like you curb a dog xD

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  • 2 weeks later...
everywhere and nowhere

I decided to write a longer response. I'm 38 years old, have never been in a relationship (not aromantic though).

I could potentially lose anatomical virginity through autoerotic means. But as for virginity in much more meaningful sense, biographical virginity - I consider it an extremely unlikely thing that this could ever change.

I do feel a little bit of curiousity. But at the same time I'm just extremely uncomfortable with the idea of personally having sex. Pretty much any kind of sex - at least any kind which would require me to at least partially undress and let someone touch me feels so frightening that... really, I'm entirely unable to imagine a single reason which could make me consent to try sex, any single situation in which I could potentially do it. I'm not "uninterested", I'm actively sex-averse.

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griffinej5
On 6/12/2019 at 1:23 PM, Nylocke said:

The only thing that bothers me about virginity is the fact that the wrong person finding out could "pursue me" for very obvious reasons ... I always feel like many people(especially cishet guys) chase after such things

I’m not sure how anyone would just be finding this out unless I were actively putting that info out there. 

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1 hour ago, griffinej5 said:

I’m not sure how anyone would just be finding this out unless I were actively putting that info out there. 

So, you don't have it on a t-shirt?

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Before I identified as asexual, losing my virginity was near the top of my bucket list. In the 'aftermath' of my decision, I stroked it off the list with a heavy duty magic marker. I have no interest or curiousity to have sex of any variety and am quite content. It doesn't bother me in the LEAST that I know I'll die as a virgin! :)

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griffinej5
2 hours ago, Nick2 said:

So, you don't have it on a t-shirt?

Only on one shirt, and you’d have to know what it was to know what it meant. I have plenty of other way more potentially offensive shirts. 

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On 7/7/2019 at 8:19 AM, griffinej5 said:

I’m not sure how anyone would just be finding this out unless I were actively putting that info out there. 

 

I've been told that they can tell by vibes that you give and since I'm not into dirty humor that much and don't know many sexual slang that people can smell virginity on me from 20 miles away. Even my mom says that I give off the "virgin" vibe and tells me that such things are the only thing most guys will chase me for

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2 hours ago, Nylocke said:

 

I've been told that they can tell by vibes that you give and since I'm not into dirty humor that much and don't know many sexual slang that people can smell virginity on me from 20 miles away. Even my mom says that I give off the "virgin" vibe and tells me that such things are the only thing most guys will chase me for

I get most dirty humour but if the conversation veers to personal sexual experiences I get really uncomfortable. Some situations are worse than others. If it's with guy friends it doesn't bother me as much than if there are others in the group that I don't know. Not knowing what they'll say or ask of me makes me wish I was anywhere but 'here'.

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4 hours ago, Nylocke said:

 

I've been told that they can tell by vibes that you give and since I'm not into dirty humor that much and don't know many sexual slang that people can smell virginity on me from 20 miles away. Even my mom says that I give off the "virgin" vibe and tells me that such things are the only thing most guys will chase me for

Ummm... well, I guess that could be. Or maybe after a certain age people just assume that can’t be possible, and I’m fine to let them keep that assumption unless I’m close enough to them to feel I should correct it. E also don’t enjoy socializing in places with a lot of strangers, so I’m not around tons of uncoupled men, or men who I think would get any impression there was a chance. 

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The only persons that know I'm a virgin are those that I've come out to. I've just told them that I'm not sexually attracted to females, or males for that matter and that I've never had sex with another person.

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1 hour ago, vanilla black tea said:

The older I get the more surprized I am by the reactions and distrust people have about virgins, like when you're 16, you've to pretend to be one if you aren't actively batting away the suitors, but by the time you hit 30, you must have already done it. I remember even being shamed for not having a high enough number of boyfriends, and those relationships not lasting for a long enough time. I mean, really? I am asexual and aromantic, and i value those traits -- I'm open to a relationship as I get older, to some extent, if you catch me on a rare day, but it would always be deeper, higher and broader than just the deed or lips smashing against each other.

Same here. I described them to a friend this way, my asexuality is part of me like my height and eye colour. 

 

I would like to have a 'steady' female friend but as the years go by I could care less :( I mean it's hard enough to find a compatible person, but add 'no sex please I'm asexual' to the mix and where does that leave you?

 

Back on topic, I really can't remember exactly when the topic of virginity was last brought up. Maybe the people I associate with have gotten past that as a topic of discussion? 

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33 and never had sexual contact with another person (much less ambiguous than 'virgin')

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On 7/10/2019 at 1:23 PM, will123 said:

I get most dirty humour but if the conversation veers to personal sexual experiences I get really uncomfortable. Some situations are worse than others. If it's with guy friends it doesn't bother me as much than if there are others in the group that I don't know. Not knowing what they'll say or ask of me makes me wish I was anywhere but 'here'.

 

There's many things I don't know because my social interaction rate is quiet low ...

 

On 7/10/2019 at 3:32 PM, griffinej5 said:

Ummm... well, I guess that could be. Or maybe after a certain age people just assume that can’t be possible, and I’m fine to let them keep that assumption unless I’m close enough to them to feel I should correct it. E also don’t enjoy socializing in places with a lot of strangers, so I’m not around tons of uncoupled men, or men who I think would get any impression there was a chance. 

 

Its probably half true anyway though while many people wouldn't assume you're still a virgin at almost 30, I do look pretty young for my age so if I give off virgin vibes that gets them so hot that they can't contain themselves I guess. My mom did also say that a guy will wait upward of 5 to 10 years to have a chance with a virgin so this a thing I have to worry about every time I get attention from cishet men.

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3 hours ago, Nylocke said:

 

There's many things I don't know because my social interaction rate is quiet low ...

 

 

Its probably half true anyway though while many people wouldn't assume you're still a virgin at almost 30, I do look pretty young for my age so if I give off virgin vibes that gets them so hot that they can't contain themselves I guess. My mom did also say that a guy will wait upward of 5 to 10 years to have a chance with a virgin so this a thing I have to worry about every time I get attention from cishet men.

Yeah, this is just a thing I will probably never understand, because my level of non caring is so high. 

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A demon is haunting me because I am a female virgin still at 43. He repeats "I'm an ape" over and over again, hundreds of times a day, and "burn". The invisible man thinks this is a farm.

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On 7/21/2019 at 9:21 AM, griffinej5 said:

Yeah, this is just a thing I will probably never understand, because my level of non caring is so high. 

 

I have somewhat a lvl of non caring but then I think about uterus owners being killed as a result of turning down the cishet men ... x_x

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Glad to see I'm not the only "older virgin" (38 yrs old). I'm somewhat envious of those of you are so confident in your asexuality and maintaining your virginity. It doesn't keep me up at night...but I'm not going to lie that it doesn't sometimes bother me as I get older. Especially because my twin sister recently married. I was recently at a retirement party for a fellow female colleague (decided on a women-only party as this particular colleague broke our department's glass ceiling as we are in a profession that is still very male dominated). The conversation turned to families and marriage and kids and a bit of sex. That certainly was a bit awkward for me...I'm not most junior of the bunch in rank, but am either the same age or a bit younger than everyone. I know that this scenario will only continue for me as a single person with no kids, no partner etc. Mostly I just listen quietly...nod and smile...chuckle when appropriate. It makes for social interactions to be a bit difficult...have to put a energy into interacting...but still enjoy interacting with people...once I can get past that energy boundary...I'm guess this is true for many of you?

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12 minutes ago, tenchinage said:

Glad to see I'm not the only "older virgin" (38 yrs old). I'm somewhat envious of those of you are so confident in your asexuality and maintaining your virginity. It doesn't keep me up at night...but I'm not going to lie that it doesn't sometimes bother me as I get older. Especially because my twin sister recently married. I was recently at a retirement party for a fellow female colleague (decided on a women-only party as this particular colleague broke our department's glass ceiling as we are in a profession that is still very male dominated). The conversation turned to families and marriage and kids and a bit of sex. That certainly was a bit awkward for me...I'm not most junior of the bunch in rank, but am either the same age or a bit younger than everyone. I know that this scenario will only continue for me as a single person with no kids, no partner etc. Mostly I just listen quietly...nod and smile...chuckle when appropriate. It makes for social interactions to be a bit difficult...have to put a energy into interacting...but still enjoy interacting with people...once I can get past that energy boundary...I'm guess this is true for many of you?

For me it hasn't been very hard...

 

Working in a factory environment was difficult for me as sex often was the topic of conversation. I'm glad to see that you haven't let being a virgin affected your enjoyment of life.

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23 hours ago, tenchinage said:

Glad to see I'm not the only "older virgin" (38 yrs old). I'm somewhat envious of those of you are so confident in your asexuality and maintaining your virginity. It doesn't keep me up at night...but I'm not going to lie that it doesn't sometimes bother me as I get older. Especially because my twin sister recently married. I was recently at a retirement party for a fellow female colleague (decided on a women-only party as this particular colleague broke our department's glass ceiling as we are in a profession that is still very male dominated). The conversation turned to families and marriage and kids and a bit of sex. That certainly was a bit awkward for me...I'm not most junior of the bunch in rank, but am either the same age or a bit younger than everyone. I know that this scenario will only continue for me as a single person with no kids, no partner etc. Mostly I just listen quietly...nod and smile...chuckle when appropriate. It makes for social interactions to be a bit difficult...have to put a energy into interacting...but still enjoy interacting with people...once I can get past that energy boundary...I'm guess this is true for many of you?

Talk of boyfriends, sex and birth control is hard for me, with acquaintances. I joined a club then dropped out because I was uncomfortable. But close friends know I am a 43 year old virgin. I use to be heterosexual, and it did bother me then. Now that I am asexual, no longer attracted to anyone and no libido, being a virgin doesn't bother me now. At times though, I want a sexless boyfriend, and the intimacy.

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4 minutes ago, sallimae76 said:

Talk of boyfriends, sex and birth control is hard for me, with acquaintances. I joined a club then dropped out because I was uncomfortable. But close friends know I am a 43 year old virgin. I use to be heterosexual, and it did bother me then. Now that I am asexual, no longer attracted to anyone and no libido, being a virgin doesn't bother me now. At times though, I want a sexless boyfriend, and the intimacy.

Been there done that!

 

I wonder if there is an explanation for how the change in how we identify, can so easily change our view on our 'virginity'. It's like a night and day turnabout.

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On 7/22/2019 at 2:32 PM, Nylocke said:

 

I have somewhat a lvl of non caring but then I think about uterus owners being killed as a result of turning down the cishet men ... x_x

I guess because I’m not dating people to turn down. Nobody is getting mad because nobody is getting denied. Literally the only time I told someone no wasn’t all that serious. We half seriously discussed a marriage so that I could have his health benefits. He asked about sex, I said I’d be perfectly fine with him doing that with anyone but me, he didn’t like the idea, discussion ended. 

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WoodwindWhistler
On 7/1/2017 at 4:13 AM, Megane said:

Imvsure im still a baby to someone but at 26 i think about sex alot though its usually between two imaginary people (who are usually guys).

 

Does it bother me that Ive never had penetrated sex? No cause its not a big deal to me but I like if my boyfriend was more honest about if he wanted it or not. Him being unclear doesnt help and pisses me off

 

Do other people know? Yes! But they dont believe me. "Youre not that Ugly" they say or some dumb shit like that 

 

Does it bother you what they know?

It bothers me they think people can live without sex but not that they know 

 

How would you feel if you die a virgin?

Pretty sure i wouldnt care 

 

Will you give sex a try ?

If the moods hits but ive been thinking about the worst case scenario of getting pregbany than dealing with how the abortion would effect my family. My mother always wanted grandkids she never let me hear the end of it  so that and the fact i dont have my own apt is the only thing keeping me unintrested 

Huh. Same. I've done some reading about women who write gay male fiction . . . there's apparently some beef between them and gay men because the latter feels like they are being objectified, Flanderized, and meme-ified. So yay I get to add that onto my list of  general insecurities . . . 'am I doing this in a respectful way' Of course, technically the two men I write about mainly are bisexual and aromantic spectrum, not gay. And they also don't do what is typically considered 'gay sex.'  But I'm not sure that totally gets me off the hook, you know? :P

I've also never had PIV and I do care inasmuch as I'd like it to stay that way. If my boyfriend made a bigger deal about it we'd have problems. As it is, [TMI warning] he says I'm literally FAR better at giving head than anyone he's ever been with . . . despite having no prior experience. So either I'm lucky or just really motivated to do it well. LOL

Do other people know? No. Of course, I'm not really out as ace except to a few people. I think I can get away with the 'waiting until marriage' line if someone I don't want to get into it with really pursues it. Actually . . . neither I nor my boyfriend are really interested in marriage. Him because he's rarely ever met happy married people, and me because of a hodge-podge of political and aromantic reasons. 

Does it bother you what they know? Considering I don't even like when one of my QPPs brings up an experiment we did . . . of course that may be because of the blunt way they phrase things, but still. Somehow I feel questions about masturbation are way more invasive than questions about partnered sex. But, again, that's probably my insecurities acting up. 

Dying a virgin? Honestly I'd consider it a *bit* of an . . . accomplishment . . . for a female-bodied person in this day and age 

Will you give sex a try? At this present point, definitely not planning on it. But I'm not totally opposed to the idea that one day someone would fit the bill. It'd just take a whole lot of convincing . . . and bonding.

The problem is, I view having children instead of adopting those who need a home as a bad thing, and I also don't believe in abortion . . . so one of those things would have to give in order for me to even consider it and risk pregnancy (no prevention method is fullproof)



 

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1 hour ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

Huh. Same. I've done some reading about women who write gay male fiction . . . there's apparently some beef between them and gay men because the latter feels like they are being objectified, Flanderized, and meme-ified. So yay I get to add that onto my list of  general insecurities . . . 'am I doing this in a respectful way' Of course, technically the two men I write about mainly are bisexual and aromantic spectrum, not gay. And they also don't do what is typically considered 'gay sex.'  But I'm not sure that totally gets me off the hook, you know? :P

I’ve heard of this too. I mean, as long as you steer clear of stereotypes and patronisation, and write characters sympathetically, I can’t see it being a problem. I always thought the main problem was cishet people (usually women) seeing queerness as some kind of quirk or novelty and therefore objectifying queer folk.

 

If you treat your characters like actual people and develop them properly, you can’t really go wrong.

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