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Asexuality and Marriage


Nora Noo

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Hello everyone. New here and looking for advice. I think my husband might be asexual. We love each other deeply, together ten years, married seven. We share a home and family. But our love life has always been an issue because he has very little, if any, interest in sex at all whilst I have a high sex drive. Things have finally come to a head this week and he has finally opened up to me about how he feels and experiences sex and attraction, hence why I now suspect that he may be asexual. We still have a lot to discuss and figure out and I really don't know where we go from here. I don't see divorce as an option at all because of everything else we share, including the love we have for one another. But we can't carry on as we have been, neither of us happy with our sex life. Just looking for advice. If anyone here who has found a way to maintain a marriage after discovering one spouse is asexual could share their experiences/advice with me I would be very grateful. Thank you.  

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SamwiseLovesLife
3 minutes ago, Nora Noo said:

I don't see divorce as an option at all because of everything else we share, including the love we have for one another. But we can't carry on as we have been, neither of us happy with our sex life. Just looking for advice. If anyone here who has found a way to maintain a marriage after discovering one spouse is asexual could share their experiences/advice with me I would be very grateful

This is a tough situation, though I think it's lovely that you're hoping to stay with him.

The only situation I could suggest (though definately not for everyone) would be to discuss the possibility of an open relationship, solely in terms of sex. You don't want him to continue to force sex when it's not what he wants to do (I assume), but you can't repress your own sexual desires and needs. It may not be the right solution but I can tell you truthfully I know non-Asexual people with specific sexual needs who find this to be an incredibly effective way of meeting these needs while maintaining a strong, healthy relationship with one another.

I hope you find a way to solve the issue x

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Thank you SamwiseLovesLife for your reply; it's much appreciated. Before this situation arose, my husband and I happened to be discussing open marriages and polyamory. He mentioned reading about a situation where the wife had sexual relationships outside of the marriage with her husbands permission and he had said that he would be happy for me to do that as long as I stayed married to him and everything else in our relationship remained the same. I was surprised by his open-mindedness on the matter but it's also one of the reasons I started to suspect something wasn't quite right. Either way, it's not ideal as when we married I had planned to be with only him for the rest of my life but I'm very open-minded and would try it in order to save our marriage. I most certainly do not want him to do anything with me that he didn't want to do, but the idea of a life without sex, as shallow as it may seem, is just not a life I can imagine for myself. Thanks again :-) 

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SamwiseLovesLife
34 minutes ago, Nora Noo said:

I most certainly do not want him to do anything with me that he didn't want to do, but the idea of a life without sex, as shallow as it may seem, is just not a life I can imagine for myself.

I don't think that's shallow at all. As an Asexual (and I'm sure my peers would agree) I don't understand how I could live a life with sex, so it makes perfect sense that for a sexual person it would be the opposite

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Hmmm, I'd be careful.... While it definitely can work sometimes, I don't think open relationships can really be used as a band-aid to fix sexual incompatibility - especially when one or both of the partners is generally monogamous - it just makes things worse in cases like that. I've seen people here who say they still feel rejected by their partner even though they've opened up the relationship, and described that they felt worse about getting great sex with someone else but not the person they really want it from... which I think is a really difficult compromise. Of course, it's also difficult to know that the person you are having sex with with doesn't want it really (and for some people it kills the intimacy altogether), but putting up with something is the nature of compromise... its just evaluating how long term that compromise can last.

 

Anyway, I say this because I'm in a mixed relationship myself (I'm ace and my partner is bi) and I brought opening things up as a possible solution some time ago. My partner said after some consideration that they don't think they could do it because sex for them is more than just bumping slimy bits - it's something emotional and they don't really desire it with anyone else, even if they could have it, because that's not how sexual attraction and intimacy works for them. So we're working something else out instead. They definitely identify as monogamous though, so it's of course not the same for everyone.

 

In the end.. I'd really evaluate how you feel about it and whether you can separate having sex from the emotional/romantic intimacy of having it, and if you can't, whether you can share that intimacy with people other than your husband without it diminishing (I think this is the difference between mono/poly people..? correct me if i'm wrong..)

 

Anyway, good luck with things! Take care of yourself! Feel free to message me if you want any support! 

 

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Thank you so much for your thoughtful response Gaogao. I don't think we will ever know the answer to some of the considerations you have presented without giving it a try. We aren't at that point yet though. We are only at the very beginning of what will be a very long road, but sadly it seems the options are a sex-less marriage, an open-marriage or having my partner have sex with me knowing he has no sexual desire for me. Divorce doesn't feel like an option because we are deeply in love, have children together and a lot invested in our marriage (emotionally, financially, etc). There is no way of getting what I truly want which is for my husband to want me as much as I want him in that way. Of course, as you say, marriage requires compromise, but there are some things where there is no middle ground on which to meet and this is one of a few major areas where our wants are different and I fear it will be me, once again, making the sacrifice. Started cryptic rambling now. Just so many thoughts in my head! 

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4 hours ago, Nora Noo said:

 it seems the options are a sex-less marriage, an open-marriage or having my partner have sex with me knowing he has no sexual desire for me. 

Unfortunately, you are right that it boils down to these options (outside of divorce), and you are also right that none of them are truly what you want... and it's really hard to know and accept... Hang in there - I wish you luck on your journey, and I hope you can find something that will work for you! It's okay to experiment and try things out, but make sure to continue talking to your husband and keeping your communication channels open!

 

It's interesting that you say you fear you will be making the sacrifice though, because I have felt that way myself as the asexual partner - not realising how difficult ALL these options are for both me and my partner somewhat equally, especially while not understanding at all how sexuality works for each of us and how we relate to sex. I don't know what other compromises you've had to make in your relationship, and if indeed your husband expects you to take the whole burden on, that might be unfair.. (this should ALL work both ways) but take your time to accept that - whatever the option you choose - both of you will be making very difficult sacrifices, whether it's to do with guilt or not getting what you need, neither of you ever really will be 100% satisfied in this department - it's whether you can be happy elsewhere and in spite of this that really matters :( I've felt at a loss in the past for not being able to desire my partner the way she desires me, and wondering if I really love her if I don't desire her that way, even though I want so much to make her happy and that it breaks my heart that I can't. I've also thought about how selfish I must be to still want to be with her. 

 

I know it's really hard, though. I hope you don't come to resent your partner too much about it. Try to take it one day at at time. Try to remember what you like about him that isn't to do with these issues. I don't know if it's relevant or if this is too abstract, but I saw one of the other threads that many people here feel like "a fur salesman in the sun" or something like that... and I feel as though in that situation, as the ace partner... if I had the power to control the weather and make it snow, I absolutely would.. but I can't, because I'm just a human being. Perhaps your husband also feels the same way? 

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On 22/6/2017 at 2:49 PM, Nora Noo said:

Thank you SamwiseLovesLife for your reply; it's much appreciated. Before this situation arose, my husband and I happened to be discussing open marriages and polyamory. He mentioned reading about a situation where the wife had sexual relationships outside of the marriage with her husbands permission and he had said that he would be happy for me to do that as long as I stayed married to him and everything else in our relationship remained the same. I was surprised by his open-mindedness on the matter but it's also one of the reasons I started to suspect something wasn't quite right. Either way, it's not ideal as when we married I had planned to be with only him for the rest of my life but I'm very open-minded and would try it in order to save our marriage. I most certainly do not want him to do anything with me that he didn't want to do, but the idea of a life without sex, as shallow as it may seem, is just not a life I can imagine for myself. Thanks again :-) 

Hi @Nora Noo 

i just replied to another of your questions on another thread, so sorry if I confuse those two or repeat myself, though it still feels good to tell your story over and over again. (Good for me, anyway) 

I am in a simular situation. I have just not discussed the possibility of an open relationshio, since I, as you do, want monogamy. But if I cant have monogamy and sex, then i will be open to try a lot, before giving up. I am not willing to give up on sex. Well, i cant and it would leave me miserable. 

My fear is, that the arrangement to have sex with someone else, will not leave the relationship as it is. I could fall in love with this other person or I could end up wanting sex with both/all of them and still be miserable about not having it with the love of my life.

 

Great, to go dancing with people who enjoys your music and dancemoves and wants to dance with you. Who smiles and moves closer to you, when you enter the club. Who waves you over and says,'come here, sweety. Sit close to me!' 

...and then it could make my wife seem even colder, when everything is perfect otherwise, and her reaction is to turn the music down.

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@gaogao I find your experience really helpful to read about. I do think my husband is having a hard time with this, especially seeing me so upset. But I can't help but think he is probably a bit relieved because now we have confronted the issue I have said to him that we should try leaving the ball in his court for a few months and see how we get on. I worry that he will never initiate and so we will go without completely or that he might want to once or twice in that time frame and in between those times I will be feeling unfulfilled and in constant anticipation that maybe today he will want me which can only lead to hurt and disappointment when he inevitably doesn't. I'm a thinker - always in my head - really doesn't help. I can get quite anxious about things if I'm not careful. (Ironically, sex helps me to relax! Sometimes life feels like someone is playing a trick on me!)

 

Anyway, I've taken the pressure off of him and in the long run I think he will be happier having control of our love life but for me it is another sacrifice. He was unhappy where we lived before so we moved and although it was the right decision, I'm happy in our new home, it was hard leaving my entire family far behind and having to deal with their upset over the matter. It was very difficult for me to hurt them in this way and my mother particularly has felt that I chose him over her. I wanted another baby but he refused - not the end of the world, we have two fantastic children, but heartbreaking nonetheless and another sacrifice on my part. He is also the sole breadwinner and whilst he views us as equal (says the work I do caring for the children and our home is just as valuable) I can't help but feel that as the earner he has more power in our marriage and perhaps that's in part what it comes down to - the amount of power I feel he has over my life (although he would never use it negatively or force me to do anything I didn't want to). I can not force him to desire me sexually, or enjoy living somewhere he doesn't or have a baby just to make me happy. And I know that what he wants most is to make me happy, so it's devastating for him too that he is unable to in some very important ways. I think I will always want more out of life in general than he does, but for now I want him more than anything else. Sex my have to be the next sacrifice in order to share my life with this man who is undoubtedly a wonderful husband and father and whom I love deeply. Still doesn't make it easy though, you know?  

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  • 1 year later...

If you have an update on the outcome in this situation I’d very much like to hear it. I’m in a very similar situation with my husband and have been on this road for 6 months now. It’s starting to lean towards we’re separating and getting a divorce but we haven’t finalized it because neither of us know best how to handle it. He’s asexual and only came out to me this year after 18 years of being together (married 12 of those).  He very much doesn’t want sex and I very much do. I don’t want to force him into anything but for me, sex solidifies our bond and helps me feel closer to him. We have been trying scheduling sex and having weekly relationship check in’s to discuss how we’re doing but nothing has been a clear winner. Open relationship is out of the question for me but I’m fairly certain he’d be open to it even though he doesn’t want sex from the relationship. 

 

Any my ideas from anyone on similar situations?

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Whichever route you get to it, the only way these kind of situations can work that I've seen (having been on AVEN a while, and other dead bedroom type forums) is if your partner is sex-neutral and able to have sex without desiring you; and you're able to accept sex without being desired, but because it's offered out of love. Both of these things have to be sustainable long term.

 

Otherwise it's celibacy, finding sex elsewhere, or splitting up. 

 

I've split up from my wife.

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This is an old topic ( @LadyInRed07 I recommend you start a new topic for yourself!), but I think @Telecaster68 summarized it aptly. Four options (although I guess 1 & 3 can overlap, in theory), and many opinions on their relative merits.

I wish there were more collective knowledge on the paths mixed ace/allo couples end up following, and outcomes. I guess one could perform some thematic analysis research analyzing AVEN threads in this subforum. Frustratingly (for understanding outcomes & success), people often disappear and we never find out what happened.

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1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

I wish there were more collective knowledge on the paths mixed ace/allo couples end up following, and outcomes. I guess one could perform some thematic analysis research analyzing AVEN threads in this subforum. Frustratingly (for understanding outcomes & success), people often disappear and we never find out what happened.

Yes, and I have to guess a good percentage of the mixed couples where it’s clearly working well (and perhaps even clearly intolerable) never make it to AVEN at all.

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On 6/22/2017 at 1:53 PM, Nora Noo said:

If anyone here who has found a way to maintain a marriage after discovering one spouse is asexual could share their experiences/advice with me I would be very grateful.

More important than maintaining a marriage is maintaining happiness. @Telecaster68here "maintained" a marriage with an asexual wife for 20 years. It only made him bitter and frustrated and his wife left him anyway, just as he was gearing up to end it. I know him briefly, but still lost count of the number of times I told him to "exit the marriage already". As have others here. And when it finally ended, he has no real explanation for why he wasted so many years of his life being unhappy. He thought his wife needed him and he didn't want to let her down. Turns out she didn't. And she walked out before him, even though they weren't having sex.

 

Others manage better. @Traveler40seems to be in something of a QPR and experimenting with polyamory, reviving sexual relationship in the marriage, etc.

 

@Marlow1has stories of a fascinating journey back into a sexual relationship that is thought provoking in the sheer detail that goes into how he sees things. But it is also about how he describes his partner and her commitment to making things work.

 

There are many stories here. Of deciding to stay working or not working. Of deciding to leave... The better stories are those that meet the needs of those telling them (and there are more needs from a loved one than sex) rather than either staying or leaving.

 

I'm relatively new to figuring this out and my ace is also not averse, but we've had volatile swings from him offering sex several times a week to not at all. Me wanting to have some sort of a sexual relationship with him, to not feeling attracted to him at all. I suppose it will be a while before things settle - IF they settle.

 

One common theme I've seen though is that there are good times and bad times even in relationships that seem to work out. As long as the grand total is something that pleases you, "maintaining" the marriage makes sense. If it is making you bitter, it is better to end the bitter phase of your life and move forward with optimism.

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  • 2 months later...
Alone with someone

Unfortunately I cannot tell you what you can try. What I can offer is some things to avoid. Putting the sexuality of your relationship solely in your spouse’s hands. I have done that. “You initiate when you’re ready. I’ll wait for you to be comfortable.” I said that nine years ago after the birth of our second child. She never has. It will make you resent your partner with time because it seems like they don’t care, when in reality it probably never even occurs to them to try. The way bricks might want you to eat them, but you don’t actually think of building materials as food. (Sorry I like analogies) Don’t look towards drugs to solve the problem. Here I mean pharmaceuticals, not narcotics. Viagra or anti anxiety medications will not give either of you the relief you need. I even tried switching to an antidepressant that has “sexual side effects” meaning it drastically reduced my libido. It just made it more frustrating. For the record alcohol on my part never solved any feelings of abandonment or rejection so I would imagine it and narcotics are out too. Don’t hit extremes. Don’t punish your body with diets, over exercise, or cosmetics, but don’t let yourself go into a decline and feel that if your love has no need of you physically then why try to look good at all. Don’t think an open relationship will fix everything. A lot of us don’t want f^<k, we want to experience a loving physical intimacy. Meaningless sex won’t scratch your itch at that point. Truly meaningful sex with a new partner may cause more damage to your relationship with your spouse. Finally, don’t blame either of you. He wasn’t comfortable explaining because he thought he’d lose you and you pushed through it all because you don’t wan to lose him. We all feel angry about our situation. I’m not going to try to pretend that there are times I don’t feel deceived into this relationship, but they pass. Blame leads to anger and anger leads to suffering as Yoda says.

I hope you find some answers. If you do, pass them on. We could all use a hand.

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My wife has had an aversion to sex since our last kid was born nine years ago. Early on in that process (when she was still telling me that things might still get better) she told me it would be fine if I had sex with other women. 

 

I’ve had exactly one opportunity to take her up on that. Met someone on a business trip - she had to all but club me over the head before I figured out that she wanted me to follow her up to her room - and had an AMAZING time. She is drop dead gorgeous, so I’ll never understand why she picked me up. She and I are still good friends and we text all the time. 

 

In hindsight, though, the experience caused me to truly understand how much my wife hates sex. It was like, “Oh yeah, this is what it’s like to have sex with someone who’s into you.” As a result, my wife and I stopped having sex completely after that and I’ve been celibate for two solid years now. 

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SCPDX, I’m sorry for your pain and can relate to what you say. I decided earlier this year to have sex with someone who was very attracted to me as well, and the experience was amazing too!!!!   My perspectives have changed after that experience too, I now realize with absolute certainty that sex with someone who has no sexual desire for me is a complete turnoff!  (Some people here do find sexual relationships with their asexual partner possible.  I am often intrigued and frequently almost jealous, because I know this will never be me.) What to do?   In one of your other posts you commented about your how your wife stopped wanting sex after having babies.... makes sense to me, as my husband was very much the same, 20 years ago.   Sex  went away completely after slowing down abruptly and being performed without enthusiasm or energy over a year or two after conception of our last son. Confused the hell out of me for many years and devastated my sense of peace and self esteem.   I suppose this makes sense now, don’t you think, because sex had a purpose before?  It’s a painful realization for sure, but fits with my  understanding that he otherwise has no use in his life for sex.  It is comforting for me to know he has no personal aversion to me, but still leaves an empty, deeply disturbed feeling within me.  I’ve contemplated separation recently, because a real and close and emotionally fulfilling relationship has developed with my sex partner.... I hesitate, because I don’t want to devastate my husbands perfect bubble of a world. He has what he considers a romantic relationship with me and he sees me as his partner in life.  I am his closest friend.   I hope you find an answer to your dilemma.  Perhaps your solution will enlighten me on what to do with my own.

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5 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I hesitate, because I don’t want to devastate my husbands perfect bubble of a world. He has what he considers a romantic relationship with me and he sees me as his partner in life.  I am his closest friend.

If you are heading in this direction, popping the bubble later is NOT better than popping it sooner.

 

Later just undermines whatever goodwill and friendship you’ve built, because it means your partner finding out that all this time things have seemed fine was a sham.

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Two benefits to “earlier”:  1) if your mind isn’t 100% made up, there’s still the opportunity to work on compromise/improvement.  Once you’ve let yourself become resigned to something for a long time, resentment and indifference/distance set in.  2) if your mind is made up, your partner gets to start adjusting to the change now.  Finding out years from now that you hit this point years ago but said nothing isn’t going to inspire anything positive.

 

It’s going to suck at the time when you break the news regardless... but finding out there has been years of “I know this isn’t going to work but I just can’t end it!” (or whatever) only makes it worse.

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I may be a bit odd in this, but I don't see a problem with having a longterm semi-/platonic partner - for life - and also having a sexual relationship where it is most rewarding. I don't think a single person can meet all of anyone's needs. And an overall compatibility has a value of its own. Sure, you'll care about your sexual partner in a special way and your platonic partner in a special way, but they aren't the same thing that can displace each other.

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52 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I may be a bit odd in this, but I don't see a problem with having a longterm semi-/platonic partner - for life - and also having a sexual relationship where it is most rewarding. I don't think a single person can meet all of anyone's needs. And an overall compatibility has a value of its own. Sure, you'll care about your sexual partner in a special way and your platonic partner in a special way, but they aren't the same thing that can displace each other.

I don’t think that’s odd, just poly.

 

If either partner in a relationship is monogamous/monoamorous and not poly-flexible, the new relationship will effectively displace the old one.

 

Also, if you let it go too long, the resulting resentment and other hard feelings undermine whatever platonic relationship might otherwise have been salvaged.

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9 hours ago, SusannaC said:

SCPDX, I’m sorry for your pain and can relate to what you say. I decided earlier this year to have sex with someone who was very attracted to me as well, and the experience was amazing too!!!!   My perspectives have changed after that experience too, I now realize with absolute certainty that sex with someone who has no sexual desire for me is a complete turnoff!  (Some people here do find sexual relationships with their asexual partner possible.  I am often intrigued and frequently almost jealous, because I know this will never be me.) What to do?   In one of your other posts you commented about your how your wife stopped wanting sex after having babies.... makes sense to me, as my husband was very much the same, 20 years ago.   Sex  went away completely after slowing down abruptly and being performed without enthusiasm or energy over a year or two after conception of our last son. Confused the hell out of me for many years and devastated my sense of peace and self esteem.   I suppose this makes sense now, don’t you think, because sex had a purpose before?  It’s a painful realization for sure, but fits with my  understanding that he otherwise has no use in his life for sex.  It is comforting for me to know he has no personal aversion to me, but still leaves an empty, deeply disturbed feeling within me.  I’ve contemplated separation recently, because a real and close and emotionally fulfilling relationship has developed with my sex partner.... I hesitate, because I don’t want to devastate my husbands perfect bubble of a world. He has what he considers a romantic relationship with me and he sees me as his partner in life.  I am his closest friend.   I hope you find an answer to your dilemma.  Perhaps your solution will enlighten me on what to do with my own.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this dilemma. For what it’s worth, I can certainly relate to much of what you’ve said.  My very understanding and caring ace wife has been extremely accepting of my seeking out another partner, but I don’t think any of us (including my partner) expected how serious that relationship would become. It’s difficult to process for sure. I hope you find a way forward.

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Thank you!  What started out as the simple need to experience sex once again turned into something much more...not what I expected when it first began.  I feel much sadness when I think about what will never be with my spouse.  I also cannot for a second regret my new relationship, because it has given me joy, and a sense of fulfillment & peace,  for the first time in many many years!

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On 11/19/2018 at 7:27 PM, SusannaC said:

I hesitate, because I don’t want to devastate my husbands perfect bubble of a world.

As I said earlier, being polyamorous, I don't really see the need for ending things with one partner to be with another. That said, if things are indeed over with one partner, there is no particular virtue in pretending they are not either.

 

If it is already broken, perhaps the real distinction is between telling him it is broken and leaving him to be blindsided by it at any time in the future. If you are certain you do not wish to be with your husband, it may be kinder to give him the gift of honesty rather than him having to live through an increasing disinterest on your part... it also may be more freeing for you and your sexual partner if you can live according to what you feel.

 

I suppose it depends on how you feel about your husband. You clearly are no longer interested in sex with him. Are you interested in sharing life with him? Or are you ready to put him behind you and move on? I understand what you are saying. My ace literally has me as the first and only person to make an effort and succeed in understanding the complicated tangle of his intimate mind. I am the only person he believes understands and accepts him. If we broke up, he would be devastated. Utterly destroyed emotionally and he wouldn't even be able to talk to anyone about his pain easily. BUT, I am with him because I want to be with him. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't want to, only to not hurt him. That way lies more problems in the long run than are solved with the evasion.

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56 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

BUT, I am with him because I want to be with him. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't want to, only to not hurt him. That way lies more problems in the long run than are solved with the evasion.

100% agreed.  Whatever pain or devastation being told might cause, adding “I’ve felt this way for years but didn’t want to hurt you” to it only magnifies it.

 

It also ultimately feels selfish (like “I didn’t want to live with the guilt of having hurt you”) rather than considerate, regardless of how it may have been meant.

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3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

I suppose it depends on how you feel about your husband. You clearly are no longer interested in sex with him. Are you interested in sharing life with him? Or are you ready to put him behind you and move on? I understand what you are saying. My ace literally has me as the first and only person to make an effort and succeed in understanding the complicated tangle of his intimate mind. I am the only person he believes understands and accepts him. If we broke up, he would be devastated. Utterly destroyed emotionally and he wouldn't even be able to talk to anyone about his pain easily. BUT, I am with him because I want to be with him. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't want to, only to not hurt him. That way lies more problems in the long run than are solved with the evasion.

My life is marked by a conflict now, largely of my own creation.  I am not interested in sex with my husband- that ended years ago when it became apparent he wanted nothing to do with me in that dept.  We do have an otherwise stable life, careers, and our sons are older and well.  My oldest is 23, lives at home (still- though he has a serious gf), is Bipolar (but stable on meds) and has come so so far with more independence and emotional growth.  I have been his source of encouragement and support and stability over the years.  Like his father, he avoids change, in general.  My husband is a stable and dedicated provider, and he has no vices, and is even tempered. He is however very quirky, rigid, some degree of aspergers I suspect- and has always despised change.  My departure from the relationship would devastate him, and my son- and wreak havoc on the stability they have....   These are painful truths that hold me where I am.  On the other hand- losing my lover will be catastrophically painful... I have never had this sort of joy and passion with someone, certainly  never expected to find it now in life.  He will and does want more From me.... he’s already indicated such, and most likely will search elsewhere when this arrangement becomes restrictive for him.      I am where I want to be now- because I don’t want to cause my husband and son horrible pain due to my selfish needs, when my life in almost all other ways is blessed

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Just now, SusannaC said:

    I am where I want to be now- because I don’t want to cause my husband and son horrible pain due to my selfish needs, when my life in almost all other ways is blessed

I am actually NOT where I want to be now- I WANT to be with my lover.  I only wish my spouse could come to terms with it, and my son, and we could be friends..... I don’t think this would be possible.  You see, I do love my husband, and would do almost anything for him, and my children.  Except apparently, deny my own sexuality- and the leanings of my heart- anymore

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6 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

I am actually NOT where I want to be now- I WANT to be with my lover.  I only wish my spouse could come to terms with it, and my son, and we could be friends..... I don’t think this would be possible.  You see, I do love my husband, and would do almost anything for him, and my children.  Except apparently, deny my own sexuality- and the leanings of my heart- anymore

The thing is... this means his perfect bubble, which may have existed at some point, is no longer there.  Instead he is going along merrily under the assumption things are stable and sustainable and fine when in reality that’s all untrue.

 

When the day comes and you just can’t do it anymore, he won’t simply have to face your departure; he’ll also have to deal with knowing he could have faced it years ago... and long since restructured his life in line with his new reality.

 

All that false happiness and lost time isn’t going to make staying friends once the dust settles more likely.

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10 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

... this means his perfect bubble, which may have existed at some point, is no longer there

Just like @SusannaC did you mean, before that?

 

I'm not blaming one or the other, but please let's not insist that asexuals are always, entirely, and exclusively the victims.

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