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Asexuality and Marriage


Nora Noo

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21 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Just like @SusannaC did you mean, before that?

 

I'm not blaming one or the other, but please let's not insist that asexuals are always, entirely, and exclusively the victims.

Huh?

 

@SusannaC mentioned upthread that she didn’t want to burst her partner’s perfect bubble by leaving to be with her lover.  I said (it sounds from what she has gone on to say) that his perfect bubble is only an illusion now and that - if my understanding of what she’s saying is correct - waiting to pop it will only make things worse for everyone (which doesn’t seem to be what she’s trying to accomplish).

 

How does that paint anyone as a victim or blame anyone for anything?

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1 hour ago, SusannaC said:

My departure from the relationship would devastate him, and my son- and wreak havoc on the stability they have....   These are painful truths that hold me where I am.  On the other hand- losing my lover will be catastrophically painful... I have never had this sort of joy and passion with someone, certainly  never expected to find it now in life.  He will and does want more From me.... he’s already indicated such, and most likely will search elsewhere when this arrangement becomes restrictive for him.

It is quite a quandry.

 

My grand sexual + love relationship set a pretty high benchmark, so to say (sexual, emotional, perfect sync in daily life, lifestyle that inspiring books could be written about...), and it is in the past. I almost feel grateful now to have reduced risk of being that much swept off my feet. It would be very hard to choose to let go of my ace.

 

At this point, if I had a lover who wanted monogamy and the sex was fantastic as well as the emotional connect..... it could completely uproot my life.... and cause another mismatched relationship between his preference of monogamy and my staunch polyamorous beliefs. Even contemplating such a scenario is enough to give me an anxiety attack. lol

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I interpreted your comment to mean she's letting him delude himself so in fact all wasn't well in his world, and this is her deception.

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3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I interpreted your comment to mean she's letting him delude himself so in fact all wasn't well in his world, and this is her deception.

She expressed concern that ending the relationship would wreck him and damage her chances for a sustained friendship.  I said if the relationship is effectively already ended, letting things drag on will just make both of those outcomes more likely.

 

I’m not blaming her for sustaining the illusion that things are okay; just noting that by so doing she is likely causing more of what she hopes to minimize.

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The simple version:

S. - I want to be with my lover but don’t want to hurt my partner.

A. (who is poly) can you find a way to openly be with both, the former romantically and the latter platonically?

Me (not poly) - if you are ultimately going to choose to leave, it will hurt your partner less in the long run if you do it sooner instead of later.

 

No blame.

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2 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I am actually NOT where I want to be now- I WANT to be with my lover.  I only wish my spouse could come to terms with it, and my son, and we could be friends..... I don’t think this would be possible.  You see, I do love my husband, and would do almost anything for him, and my children.  Except apparently, deny my own sexuality- and the leanings of my heart- anymore

Give yourself time. Also, I’m sensing a degree of guilt on your part. I understand and can relate to that. But you too are allowed to be happy. I know all too well how easily we can dismiss our own needs as selfish, but the reality of the matter is that they are often integral to our contentment and wellbeing. Don’t short change yourself.

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6 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I have never had this sort of joy and passion with someone, certainly  never expected to find it now in life.  He will and does want more From me.... he’s already indicated such, and most likely will search elsewhere when this arrangement becomes restrictive for him.      I am where I want to be now- because I don’t want to cause my husband and son horrible pain due to my selfish needs, when my life in almost all other ways is blessed

What you write beyond the quote above is all so relatable to me - it’s tough, but there are no regrets so far. 

 

The bit above has played in my mind though: Is the newer relationship worth the destruction of a family, even given older children?  When all is weighed and measured, is it worth it?  Your guess is as good as mine and one I avoid contemplating these days.  It’s an impossible situation so I find short term focus infinitely easier to digest.

 

I haven’t given an update in awhile as it’s complicated, but sometimes life has a way of refocusing you in ways you least expect. It may be hard now, but honestly, it can get even harder with parameter changes.

 

edit: I’ve been interrupted so many times, I lost my train of thought - what bothered me about the passage quoted was the sense of ultimatum.  Maybe your lover is meant to be a point in time...maybe he’s the highlighter that redefines your life.  Whatever he is, you must dictate your own path.  

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What @Traveler40said. The part where I said "enough to give me an anxiety attack" is related to this. I would dread a relationship that sways me so much that I give up things to treasure to keep it from going. Somehow it doesn't compute as love. And yet, if it was compelling enough that I felt I must do it... I would be worried that it was one of those hormonal things people do and upend their lives. I have done those in the past and thoroughly fear that side of me that can lose touch with very precious things when something dazzling comes along.

 

That is the gratitude I felt - that that old relationship set such a benchmark AND I ENDED IT, that it has given me a sense of perspective of sorts and I haven't felt tempted by "grand loves" after that and now see relationships as something I build and sustain that die if I stop sustaining them. It was among the reasons I stopped committing to monogamy. And if someone wanted me to be monogamous or else, even if he was the only lover in my life, I'd still not take it. I am as I am, my circumstances are as they are. If that is not a perfect fit, I'm not going to go around amputating important things from my life to meet someone else's demands.

 

I am an attractive person. If I (or my circumstances) are not good for this person, they will suit someone else.

 

There is such clarity on this, that all through our upheaval, my ace has never worried a single time about me dating someone else. He KNOWS that the only way I'll dump him is if we can't make it work.

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TheSexualHusband
On ‎6‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 10:30 AM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

This is a tough situation, though I think it's lovely that you're hoping to stay with him.

The only situation I could suggest (though definately not for everyone) would be to discuss the possibility of an open relationship, solely in terms of sex.

I suspect it is easier for men to have sex with random strangers than it is for woman. Not for all, but ceartainly most woman I asked about this admitted that an emotional attachment is a key ingredient to a good sexual experience. Besides the very real risk of finding love and affection for her new partner which may well defeat the purpose of the discussion, it is an incredibly difficult thing for a person to go to his or her spouse and declare that there is a desire for a hall pass. Especially if the partner, as it seems in Nora's case, not 100% certain about the asexual status of her partner. It certainly is a difficult discussion for me to have with my suspiciously asexual wife.  

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20 minutes ago, TheSexualHusband said:

it is an incredibly difficult thing for a person to go to his or her spouse and declare that there is a desire for a hall pass. Especially if the partner, as it seems in Nora's case, not 100% certain about the asexual status of her partner. 

I disagree having been there. It’s certainly not pleasant, but if you’re communicating regularly, the subject doesn’t just drop out of the sky. At least in my case it happened organically in time, but we had great communication surrounding our issues at that time.  Perhaps the level of communication needs consideration and improvement.

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