Musing

[Appleblossom]

It's a while since I posted on here, but my computer remembered my log in, so yay for technology. :-)

 

Anyway, a little background, I'm approaching 62 yrs old, (God, that sounds so old when written down,  my brain had yet to catch up) when I was a teenager, in the early 1970's I was completely ignorant about different sexualities. I believed I was incapable of loving in the way other people seemed to be, as I had no feelings about sex at all. But, I knew I did want children.

 

My first boyfriend, when I was 17 started to move towards a physical relationship, so I held back and he moved on. A few of months later I met my husband to be, he was willing to wait till we were married, as he had been brought up as a strict catholic, so as he put no pressure on for anything physical, it gave me time to grow to love him as a person, and after we married to accept the physical side of things, if I was to have the children I really wanted. 

 

This year we will be married for 43 years. We have 2 children, and 3 grandchildren, he has accepted over the years that I'm not as into the physical side of our relationship as he is, I did try once or twice to explain asexuality, but I don't think he quite gets it.  And I usually "perform" for him once every couple of weeks for him to keep him happy/make him believe I'm interested.

 

Anyway, at the moment I'm in my comfort zone, but feeling guilty. Hubby developed shingles while we were away on holiday, and he's waking up in pain/discomfort each night, so I've used that as an excuse to sleep in the spare room, so he "doesn't have to worry about disturbing me". 

 

Since realising my asexuality I have wondered if a wisdom handed down to me from my mother, that she was told by her grandmother indicated that it could be something experienced in the past. And that was to "marry a man who loves you more than you love him". 

 

I have posted about our story previously, and been criticised for "using" my hubby to get the family I desired but, believe me, it's not like that. Yes he's given me the children I wanted, but it's been a two way thing, he has issues that lead him to think he'd never marry or have a family. He just doesn't know that our physical side is an act on my part. And that I'm actually enjoying my time in the spare room.

[teatree]

People stay in a relationship for so many reasons, having kids just being one of them. I was not able to get pregnant, so we adopted. And although I didn't know the term asexual back then, I knew there were "problems" in our marriage from early on. I just figured things might eventually get better...and I really wanted a child. Adopting on my own would have been financially impossible. I didn't consciously think that at the time, but I also knew I didn't feel comfortable about getting a divorce (that came 15 years later). Your marriage is between you two! 

[teatree]

But as an aside, having to engage in sex every few weeks would have sent me running for the hills!  Luckily his drive wasn't all that much and he drank sometimes to excess, so I could often escape dealing with it....

[TheLastOfSheila]

Quote

I have posted about our story previously, and been criticised for "using" my hubby to get the family I desired but, believe me, it's not like that. Yes he's given me the children I wanted, but it's been a two way thing, he has issues that lead him to think he'd never marry or have a family. He just doesn't know that our physical side is an act on my part. And that I'm actually enjoying my time in the spare room.

Seriously?  You posted your story on here and was criticized for being open and honest?  Well those so-called critics were being unbelievably rude and judgemental.  I also suspect they may have been somewhat younger than us ( I am 61).  Yes, children were your priority (was for me too), but clearly you cared about the man or you wouldn't have married him.  So sorry you were criticized that way, and glad you still want to post here.