Rambling and asking (My experiences with gender dysphoria + some questions about it)

[PinkTea]

At first, bit about myself. I've been identifying as a non-binary for about two years now. I've experienced very, very much gender dysphoria. At first it was more social dysphoria but then it started to be only physical dysphoria. I've found different ways to cope with this but sometimes it feels like nothing helps. I've had very bad days, even episodes where I'm just feeling very anxious or depressed, every day. But I've managed to go through all this. I've always been somehow positive. Even when I'm at my lowest I keep saying myself things such as like "it will get better", "this won't last forever", "have hope". Things can be hard but I'm strong enough to get through this (we all are)!

 

I had this happy episode in my life where I didn't have much dysphoria. I was able to ignore it and live well. It last about 6 months and then, out of nowhere, it came back. And again, I was having a terrible episode of dysphoria. I'm still having it. But I have to admit something, maybe crazy-sounding. I'm glad I'm having this. No, it's not fun. It's everything but fun to deal with it but it's something that I've needed. During this episode, I've learned so much stuff. Everyday I must have been finding new coping mechanisms, since the old ones haven't been working anymore. I've grown mentally and found ways to deal with stuff. I've learned stuff about the whole gender thing. I'd know so much less if didn't have any of this. But I'm still not saying that gender dysphoria is a fun thing. I've had many moments and many days when things have felt really, really awful.

 

Now I'm starting to think about my dysphoria in a different way (and now I'm telling the thing that I most feel dysphoric about = my breasts)

At first, where does it come from? Yes, there may be many things that cause gender dysphoria but now I'm thinking about my situation. It all started when I first discovered about my gender identity. I realized I wasn't a girl but I had a girl's body, I wanted to prove the whole world that I wasn't a girl so I didn't want to look like one. I started to try looking like more gender neutral or androgynous. I tried many clothing styles and haircuts and was finally kind of happy that I was able to express myself like that. But then it I started to think about my body. I realized I still had a girl's body.. girl's boobs.. (I was pretty ok with anything else in my body).

 

I thought that even if I was wearing my more masculine clothes, I would be taken as a girl, because of my not-so-flat chest. Later I started to get rid of that way of thinking. I tried to tell myself that it didn't matter anything if a stranger in a bus would think about my as someone I wasn't. After a lot of fighting in my head, I was finally able to believe that. Especially as a non-binary person I will always be misgendered in someone's head but hey, that doesn't matter, When that person gets home, they will have a lot more stuff to think about rather than you and your gender! This was the main problem/cause of my first dysphoric episode. Then things got better. Then things.. got worse again. After a 6 months long break from dysphoria it came back, but now, different.

 

Now the dysphoria wasn't caused by the fear of being misgendered by strangers. Now it was.. it was.. because of dysphoria. Yes, I wasn't fully sure why was I having it but later on I understood that it was because of disgust. Yes, I was disgusted back then in the first episode but not in the same way (I think). I was so disgusted by my breasts. They just.. were there. I found them useless and I wanted them gone. I hated them and how they made my body feel and look feminine - which is something I do not want. I felt terrible. I had something attacked in my body that I didn't want but wasn't able to take away or anything. I always felt very bad when I tried to walk or run and I just felt them bouncing and stuff.. yuck! I still have those kind of moments, though. Daily.

 

I've now explained about what caused (and still causes) me dysphoria. Now I'm trying to think about it more. Why am I being disgusted by them? Yes, I told that they made my body feminine and that they also felt physically awful but.. why? Why do I think so? I've seen some non-binary people online who don't care about how their body looks because hey. Our bodies aren't the ones that tell our identity. I wish I could think about it like that. I wish I could just go and be my non-binary self without caring how my body looked. I used to wish I didn't have my boobs. Now I just wish that I didn't have this feeling that my boobs bother me. I know that it's okay to think like this about your chest. There's non-binary people who felt bad about their chest so they went to a surgery. But I'm kinda afraid. The thought of having something cut off my body is kinda terrifying in a way but could it be helpful? By that I would remove the thing that causes me terrible feelings. But still.. I know that I'm only 15. I won't able to have any top surgery for years. I shouldn't be thinking about this because it's not current but I still want to think about it. My mind tends to think about a lot of stuff.

 

So yeah. My gender dysphoria is physical dysphoria. It it because of my chest. I'm being disgusted my chest because it does not match my thoughts about wanting to have more gender neutral body. Yes, I can wear that kind of clothing but I also feel like my body needs to present as non-binary too. That's the stuff I'm finally able to understand about my feelings. If I could have been able to just ignore my feelings and not go through all this stuff in my life, I would still be anxious and confused. I'm happy I can finally understand about this but there's still some questions in my mind. Even if I know the reasons for my dysphoria, I still feel that dysphoria.

 

I know what this dysphoria is about this time so I kinda know how to treat it, right? Well, yes and no. I know what I shouldn't do (for example, force myself to anything) but I'm not sure what I really should do. I know that I'm not able to have any surgery but sometimes that is what makes me feel worse. Sometimes what makes it worse is that I have to stand this dysphoria. It gets kind of overwhelming sometimes and I'm kind of afraid. And tired. I know I've said that it's kinda a good thing that I've gone through this stuff. Yes, it can be very teaching (at least for me) but I've been getting tired. Everyday I have to have this same feeling of how my body is not how I want it to look. That is something that I'm not able to change for a long time so I just have to.. live with it? I'm getting tired of having this problem without any fast solution.

 

I know that physical dysphoria may be very hard to ignore. I wish it could be easier for me. I may be able to ignore it sometimes (distracting, doing stuff I enjoy) but it always comes back. I may go to sleep feeling like everything's gonna be alright and that I'm able to ignore it until I can do something. But then I wake up in the morning and this whole anxiety and depression attacks me, I have to find new coping mechanisms and sometimes I don't even find any working ones. I always somehow survive but it can get really tiring. I wish I could just shout at my mind that dwelling about it every day does not work. And now comes the main question of this whole thing.. do I just have to find a way to deal with that everyday or could I maybe.. change my way of thinking?

 

That may sound wrong but let me explain. By ignoring, I do not mean that I ignore having this problem. I'm very aware of this problem and what is it about. My ignoring I mean that I could just grab that thing in my head and put it in a box until I'm adult. Then I could finally take it from there and start thinking about what (maybe physical changes) solves it. It's something that I can't solve now so it's pretty useless that that problem is in my head now.

 

And about changing my way of thinking? I told about other non-binary persons who are ok with their bodies, with their chest. I've been wondering if that could be possible for me too? Could I start thinking like them too? I'm not saying I'd force myself to think so but if there's a way to do it, that is not unhealthy for your mind.. Well, if I want to stop being disgusted, then I don't think it's forcing. Or is it forcing for something in my mind? Some of these persons who I've read about used to hate their chest too but then they just.. got over it? The other one started to think about their boobs as beautiful even if they were feminine but I don't think I would be able to think about them like that, too. Aand the other one? They just slowly started to accept their body as what is it (without force, I mean) and that they are now "less body-identified". I want to have that change of feelings too. I know that I may get one, since they did, but I just want to have it.. now.

 

It also may be possible that the only way to end my dysphoria is going to the surgery but since I'm not able to.. it's getting hard. I don't feel like dealing with this dysphoria every day of my life for the next three years. Could there be anyway to stop that now? Since ignoring it feels too hard I should maybe just change my point of view. Of course it's not something that would happen in a second but if I started to think daily in a certain way, would my disgust towards my chest change? What is that way of thinking? How do I do it? Should I even do it or is it actually just unhealthy or forcing? I mean, I'm trying to stop my dysphoria without surgery. Okay this is starting to get hard and weird and mixed up, sorry. I'm just still a little confused.

 

This came out longer than I thought but I appreciate if you read it. It was maybe more of me rambling but I hope that someone would be able to see and answer my questions. Also since english is not my mother language you must have noticed a lot of spelling mistakes, sorry for that. Also, I’m thinking of having a binder or something but I’m still a bit insecure and.. anxious? about it but let’s see. Right now I’m saving money so I could buy this one sport bra. I heard that it may actually bind pretty good so I’m giving it a try. But even if I bought binder I’d still have my boobs so.. yeah.

 

 

 

 

[JeyAce]

@PinkTea Thank you for sharing your post!  It takes a lot of courage to talk about your true feelings like that.  I can totally relate to your post, I'm just experiencing all this at a much older age.  I am gender questioning right now but I definitely fit in the non-binary somewhere, I'm just not yet sure where.  My main dysphoria is my breasts as well.  I have a 32 I chest, so it is really hard for me.  When I was your age, it was extremely hard for me because my breasts caused me to be sexualized at a young age and, being asexual (which I didn't know was even a thing back then), it was really anxiety producing because I got so much unwanted sexual attention based on the size of my chest.  I wanted them (my breasts) gone and I still consider at least having them reduced.  Because I have a lot of back pain and such there may actually be a medical reason to justify having them reduced.  At the time, I did not identify as non-binary, but I knew something just didn't feel right.  Now, it is really anxiety-provoking because it is so obvious that I am female.  I am starting counseling, but it is just a regular counselor and I want her to recommend a counselor that specializes in gender questioning folks.  I think its important to have someone who is qualified to help you through this.  In the meantime, I can say that minimizer bras really help me.  I go to a specialty shop because of my large chest size and they set me up with some options that reduce my size without binding me.  I have considered binding but I find it really hard to have anything compressing my chest that much.  Specialty shops are quite expensive but if you are not super huge in the chest, you can find minimzer bras for a lot cheaper.  I would recommend getting fitted at a specialty shop at least even if you don't buy anything and then go where its cheaper although you may have trouble finding a proper size outside of a specialty shop if you have a really large chest size, like a DD or larger.  Minimizers, for me anyways, take me down a cup size or two, but they make me feel a little better about my chest size.  Keep in mind that I am older and more likely to tell someone where to go if they sexualize me because of my chest size.  I think the important thing to remember that your identity is not defined by how you look, but by how you feel inside.  I know it sounds trite but I remind myself of this daily and it is still a struggle to accept, but, I need to be me and that's really all I can be.  Good luck to you and know that you are not alone!  Btw you did fantastic at writing this if English is not your first language, it was very well written:)

[PinkTea]

Thank you so much for your reply, @JeyAce! I'll keep in my mind your tips about bras (right now I just have to save money first).

2 hours ago, JeyAce said:

I think the important thing to remember that your identity is not defined by how you look, but by how you feel inside.  I know it sounds trite but I remind myself of this daily and it is still a struggle to accept, but, I need to be me and that's really all I can be. 

l'll try to accept that now too to see if it works to help me feel any better. Thank you!

(Also good to hear that my english wasn't bad <3)

[Albine]

On 6/7/2017 at 1:24 AM, JeyAce said:

@PinkTea Thank you for sharing your post!  It takes a lot of courage to talk about your true feelings like that.  I can totally relate to your post, I'm just experiencing all this at a much older age.  I am gender questioning right now but I definitely fit in the non-binary somewhere, I'm just not yet sure where.  My main dysphoria is my breasts as well.  I have a 32 I chest, so it is really hard for me.  When I was your age, it was extremely hard for me because my breasts caused me to be sexualized at a young age and, being asexual (which I didn't know was even a thing back then), it was really anxiety producing because I got so much unwanted sexual attention based on the size of my chest.  I wanted them (my breasts) gone and I still consider at least having them reduced.  Because I have a lot of back pain and such there may actually be a medical reason to justify having them reduced.  At the time, I did not identify as non-binary, but I knew something just didn't feel right.  Now, it is really anxiety-provoking because it is so obvious that I am female.  I am starting counseling, but it is just a regular counselor and I want her to recommend a counselor that specializes in gender questioning folks.  I think its important to have someone who is qualified to help you through this.  In the meantime, I can say that minimizer bras really help me.  I go to a specialty shop because of my large chest size and they set me up with some options that reduce my size without binding me.  I have considered binding but I find it really hard to have anything compressing my chest that much.  Specialty shops are quite expensive but if you are not super huge in the chest, you can find minimzer bras for a lot cheaper.  I would recommend getting fitted at a specialty shop at least even if you don't buy anything and then go where its cheaper although you may have trouble finding a proper size outside of a specialty shop if you have a really large chest size, like a DD or larger.  Minimizers, for me anyways, take me down a cup size or two, but they make me feel a little better about my chest size.  Keep in mind that I am older and more likely to tell someone where to go if they sexualize me because of my chest size.  I think the important thing to remember that your identity is not defined by how you look, but by how you feel inside.  I know it sounds trite but I remind myself of this daily and it is still a struggle to accept, but, I need to be me and that's really all I can be.  Good luck to you and know that you are not alone!  Btw you did fantastic at writing this if English is not your first language, it was very well written:)

Hi JeyAce  nice posting agree totaling about how you look / present and how you feel inside. also your experience with managing your chest. I am MAAB long story short i ended up having  male breast augmentation done about a year ago. while I am OK presenting male  and over all happy with my results having noticeable breast at times can cause me some anxiety. While mine are nowhere near the size as yours still presenting as a male does magnify some issues. I defiantly agree with you going and being fitted with the right size bra helps a lot. when going to to places that I may not feel too confident  I wear a well fitted sports bra  or minimizer which does reduce me a bit implants don't reduce very much but a little bit as I'm sure you can relate helps 

[Calligraphette_Coe]

On 6/6/2017 at 6:58 AM, PinkTea said:

 

 

 

 

That may sound wrong but let me explain. By ignoring, I do not mean that I ignore having this problem. I'm very aware of this problem and what is it about. My ignoring I mean that I could just grab that thing in my head and put it in a box until I'm adult. Then I could finally take it from there and start thinking about what (maybe physical changes) solves it. It's something that I can't solve now so it's pretty useless that that problem is in my head now.

It's always a good idea to plan for the future because that is where you will spend the rest of your life. But as dear Albert of Einstein told us, that if we have an hour to solve something that will save our lives, the best survivors spend 55 minutes of it thinking of the right questions to ask, the right ciphers that will unlock the code, and the last 5 minutes solving. I think dysphoria is a lot like that. 

 

But not totally-- it's like a feedback loop in your mind that is a devilish hard prison to break out of. You can't bribe the jailor (because he is you) and you dysphoria is you cell mate who really wants to escape _with_ you. So that you end up about where you start, you just don't have bars this time.

 

No, it's more like The Matrix. When you jack in to it, IT tells you who you are.... unless you find a way to get it to do what you want it to. And then there's the Agents- they're not always you, but a lot of the time they are. 

 

So how you escape yourself? Yeah, that's the toughie. 

 

You don't so much ignore as you do reprogram the whole thing by stealing the Architect's notes, getting the Keyman's keys, and outwitting the Frenchman. And it's like learning to be a master musician..... it's Practice, Practice, Practice. You keep adding to your gender notebook, so that every incarnation of your gender is an improvement on the last. Where, even if you make mistakes, you learn, you perfect, you persevere, you change.

 

I know it sounds like a fantasy world, but really, isn't reality often one, too? Once you get to be an Adept, you can confront The Agent in you, push a button on your armband and leave The Agent to eat your digital dust.

 

And really? There is no Matrix? No, it's just called the Internet here. And by coming to this thread on this forum?

 

You're jacking in.