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How do you approach sex?

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Neshama
54 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That seems rather... analytical.

Better safe than sorry. I would much rather have all the facts laid out and on the table before emotions and human impulses get involved, but maybe that's just me.

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Traveler40

So, I believe a key to life is being open minded enough to allow for wonderful surprises.  Some of the best experiences are found where you may never expect them.  

 

At the outset, my lover mentioned a few things that he enjoyed sexually that I had never heard of.  I had to fight the urge to turn off and away while playing it cool.  I quietly tried hard to keep an open mind.  Eventually we made it there and MIND BLOWING eroticism followed.  Sure, a lot played a hand in that eventual build up, but the key for me was finding the strength to keep an open mind.  At this point, there’s not much I wouldn’t try at least once.  Lists would have left me high and dry. It’s just not as simple as that.

 

Note: I cannot speak to emotionless couplings and therefore the need for safety factors assumed with absolute clarity.  As well, repulsions or bad experiences are special circumstances this doesn’t speak to.

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Telecaster68

A categorised list seems to remove a lot of fun and spontaneity from sex to me. Rationality and clear headedness aren't a big part of sex.

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Neshama
21 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

A categorised list seems to remove a lot of fun and spontaneity from sex to me. Rationality and clear headedness aren't a big part of sex.

The kinda stuff I'm used to really requires clear cut lines and through safe words, bc otherwise it might be legally considered rape or assault. Also, if someone isn't into scarring, blood play, sutures, needle play, tattooing, branding, etc. it's nice to know in advance 

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Telecaster68
Just now, Neshama said:

The kinda stuff I'm used to really requires clear cut lines and through safe words, bc otherwise it might be legally considered rape or assault

Fair enough. I can see how laying out clear boundaries beforehand would actually give you a clear 'space'in which you could be actually more spontaneous.

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ryn2

Yeah, that’s why I said it was more of a kink mindset and less of an analytical-approach-to-vanilla mindset.

 

Clear understanding of all boundaries is an important part of “safe, sane, consensual”... which is itself an important part of most kink play.

 

There’s a general sense (the veracity of which may be debatable) that vanilla, heterosexual sex is safe/sane/consensual by default and thus never needed the preplanning kink requires.

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Nowhere Girl

Why should this kind of approach only be for people who are into kinky sex? It's better to make clear what one could do and what feels completely out of the question. A categorisation could be helpful - even just for the person considering it. For me such lists (and they are only theory for me because I'm not in a relationship and don't know if I ever will) have a self-exploratory aspect, even when I realise that the list of sexual-ish things I could perhaps try is extremely short.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why should this kind of approach only be for people who are into kinky sex?

It’s not.  It just doesn’t seem to appeal to a lot of people who are not into kink (kink in general, as not all kink and especially not all BDSM is sex-related).

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why should this kind of approach only be for people who are into kinky sex? 

For the same reason most people don't start a friendship with a written list of things they'll do or not do in that friendship.

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ryn2

You’re up late, Tele!  Or up early...

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Neshama
 
 
 
On 4/19/2019 at 6:32 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

A categorisation could be helpful - even just for the person considering it. For me, such lists (and they are only theory for me because I'm not in a relationship and don't know if I ever will) have a self-exploratory aspect, even when I realise that the list of sexual-ish things I could perhaps try is extremely short.

The lists don't require being in a relationship to make one. You could make one now if you want, although if you never end up wanting to or getting the opportunity for sex, the list might go unused.

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Nowhere Girl

@Neshama - for some reason I can't click quote or mark your post, I really don't know why... So without quoting.

 

Sure, I agree. By mentioning relationship I just meant that I don't accept casual sex, so even if I wasn't sex-averse, it would be out of the question for me. But I agree that one can make such a list even if a relationship only remains a prospect. However... while I never have formally written it down, in a way I already have done such a list - through a lot of consideration about what kind of activities could be comfortable enough for me. Hence my conclusion is that such a list would be extremely short. I definitely wouldn't enter a relationship without telling the prospective partner that:

  • I'm effectively asexual;
  • I have never had sex;
  • I never feel a desire to have sex;
  • nudity and the idea of personally having sex are very uncomfortable and frightening to me, so if a partner decided "I can wait for you to become comfortable with it", she would be deceiving herself.

So, because of the above, the logical solution for me is a sex-free relationship. Still, I could perhaps agree to try a tiny bit of compromise, to see if there are sexual-ish activities I could be comfortable with (kissing breasts - with me as the giving partner only? clothes-on rubbing and humping?). But I realise how deep is my discomfort with nudity, how I just couldn't stand being naked in another person's presence, and, because of this, I already know that my boundaries are so close that no partnered sex whatsoever is probably the best choice.

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ryn2

I think those are important things to discuss with a potential partner regardless, as an assumption of comfort with casual nudity on one partner’s part could be a big issue when the other partner feels very differently about it.

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Serran
On 4/17/2019 at 7:07 PM, ryn2 said:

More like kink-community-style.

Yeah. Lists like that are huge in kink. 

 

And it doesnt remove spontaneous sex. If I have a list of 100 things and I told you I like 20, will try 10, wont do 50 and the other 30 are maybes ... well. You can try the maybes, likes or will try ones. And I have no idea what it will be. Thats a lot of things we could do. 

 

My partner and I did a list like that. It doesnt mean you cant do things you said no to. Doesnt mean you only do your likes. It just means your partner knows what is OK to do and not do and what needs some talking. Like... if I tie my spouse up, blindfold and gag her.. she cant really talk about what she likes. There is safe word/signals, but I need to know what would be OK to do because you dont want to ever hit the safe word line if you can avoid it. It is a spot that means something went wrong. You want to keep it in consensual and comfortable and fun territory with knowing what you are allowed first. 

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