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TroyMaclure

A Question for Asexuals in a Long Term Relationship

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TroyMaclure

I'm a sexual person who finds himself in a sexless marriage with a wife who has lost all interest in sex. She often talks about sex as being so unimportant as to barely merit discussion. I have considered the idea of cheating and even gave myself permission on some level but have never done it. Now I have decided that I would end my marriage before being unfaithful.

My question for the asexual parnters out there is whether you would be hurt if your SO decided to seek sex outside of your relationship? If so, why?

I know my wife would be devastated but I don't know why. She thinks of sex as being a completely disposable part of a loving relationship then why would it matter to her if I was doing her a favor by having sex elsewhere. I am not looking for a justification to cheat, I am just trying to understand how she thinks.

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sonofzeal

What you're suggesting has been brought up before, to mixed reactions. Some, like merkat82, arn't bothered by the idea at all, and see it as preferable to the tension that can otherwise develope. Some are bothered by it, especially because most sexuals tend to develope feelings for their long-term sexual partners. If sex is an important part of a relationship to you, and you start doing it with someone else, the "typical" asexual response seems to be to get jealous, not of the sex, but of the bond you're building with your sex partner.

Asexuals are anything but uniform though. You'll probably get a wide range of opinions to something like this.

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starrysky

It would bother me, but at the same time I couldn't be that surprised. I have had people tell me that if I don't give him sex whatever amount of times per month then I deserve to get cheated on.

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Bluegrey
My question for the asexual parnters out there is whether you would be hurt if your SO decided to seek sex outside of your relationship? If so, why?

If I wasn't told? Definitely. I'm opened up to disease, competition, and loneliness, plus the 'not telling' gets mentally associated with cheating and lying. If it is negotiated? Probably not. I'm fairly relaxed.

I know my wife would be devastated but I don't know why. She thinks of sex as being a completely disposable part of a loving relationship then why would it matter to her if I was doing her a favor by having sex elsewhere. I am not looking for a justification to cheat, I am just trying to understand how she thinks.

The sex possibly is in her mind, but unless you are paying for prostitution there is the element of other forms of affection, kissing, hugging, dinners, nights out. She more than likely sees that as the start to you looking for a relationship with someone else.

The other thing is that time you spend having sex with someone else is time you are not spending with her. Essentially, you're seeking someone else's company over hers. Now while the most disasterous thing for many marriages is being together all the time, if you regularly start looking for company and release specifically when she cannot be involved, it begins to look massively threatening to her.

This is no value judgement on anything, but it might help to understand?

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Aayla

You said she's lost all interest in sex? I don't know if I'm interpreting this correctly, but are you saying that she used to like sex and now doesn't seem interested? IF so, then that could mean that there's something deeper going on with her than just her lack of interest. Just a thought.

On the other hand, if she is indeed asexual, then I think pp has some valid points on why she would feel bad about you seeking out sex elsewhere. I know that personally it doesn't bother me, but I can see how it would affect someone else differently. Not all asexuals think alike, so there's no universal answer. The only way to find out what's going on in her head is to talk to her.

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Aeriel
Some are bothered by it, especially because most sexuals tend to develope feelings for their long-term sexual partners. If sex is an important part of a relationship to you, and you start doing it with someone else, the "typical" asexual response seems to be to get jealous, not of the sex, but of the bond you're building with your sex partner.

I agree with sonofzeal. I would try not to be bothered by it; but I would be concerned that the intimacy of sex would extend to other areas, and that I would not like.

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helana12_03

I would be really hurt, because I believe that if someone really loves me, the physical part would not be the important part of the relationship, the mental part would be and the physical part should only be the expression of me and my partner's feelings and connection and not some basic need which must be satisfied.

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141822

I personally would have no problem with it if they were open about it.

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deladangerous
I have had people tell me that if I don't give him sex whatever amount of times per month then I deserve to get cheated on.

Nobody deserves to be cheated on. That is a horrible thing to say.

If anything, the person who decides to cheat doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with the person they're cheating on. Why cheat when it's so easy just to leave and spare everyone the drama? I say be mature about it-- either stay and work at the relationship (which includes being faithful) or leave the relationship and do whatever if you want.. It's incredibly selfish to try and have the best of both worlds (or whatever) at the expense of someone else's feelings.

That said, if there's an agreement between both people that going elsewhere for sex is alright, then it's not cheating. Some people will allow that, some people won't. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it. Cheating, however, is never alright. That mutual consent makes all the difference.

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Kassil

Honestly, I'd encourage it, but with the caveat that I be informed and hopefully get to meet the other person. Open communication is a wonderful thing between equals, and that's what a relationship should be - between equals, at least for me.

That said, I can see that a lot of people would feel threatened by it, because of the implication of emotional connections that might threaten their place. I don't - I've actually been in a similar situation, and it wounded me badly when my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she decided she'd rather be with the sexual guy who apparently wasn't as open to the notion as I was. On the flip side... That was what set me to examining my own mnd and beliefs until I finally wound up here, far more relaxed and accepting of the world than I used to be, so I guess it rather balances out.

YMMV.

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