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dieffenbachia

Super inexperienced and need help

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dieffenbachia

Sorry if this is long, I have a lot to get off my chest and I really need some guidance/advice from more experienced people because I've never dealt with this kind of thing before.

First of all, I'd just like to say I am SO GRATEFUL for this forum existing. Despite having a lot of LGBTQA friends (mostly spending my time around bi women but having a couple of ace friends as well) It's really helped me to understand a lot about asexuality before that I didn't really know about. I think I just accepted people's asexuality without actually trying to fully understand it, as a sexual person myself. But now this is actually affecting me because my girlfriend(?)(I've recently learnt about queerplatonic relationships and we seem to fit better into this than girlfriends tbh) is asexual and aromantic. She told me about her thinking that she might be ace a while back, but only recently she said that she thinks she might be aromantic too, after a long text session about me describing to her the types of things I want in a relationship and that at the moment I don't really feel satisfied on any fronts). Also warning this post might get a bit TMI for people who don't want to read about intimate stuff.

I'll quickly describe us:
Her: Very closed off and private type of person, currently in a family situation where not talking about things keeps her safe (she has a very domineering, narcissistic father and an emotionally distant mother), bottles up her feelings a lot, doesn't really know how to initiate conversations about relationships, and doesn't generally show affection. We've recently discovered that not only is she asexual, but she is also aromantic. She likes hugs and holding hands, doesn't really enjoy kissing/making out (she's pretty neutral about it so I don't push for it), and doesn't like being touched without warning (sometimes I mess up and accidentally touch her like leaning my head on her shoulder or touching her hair when she doesn't want to be touched and I stop immediately and feel terrible after). I know she has many personal issues she needs to face, but she has told me she will feel better about dealing with her problems and fully opening herself up emotionally once she's moved away from home, but that for now she needs to stay closed off so she can deal with her family life. Despite this she's funny and interesting and has good views and opinions, she's cute and hard working, and I care about her so, so much.

 

Me: Very open person with emotions, sexual, show affection a lot. I'm a very passionate person and love to give to others and feel all my emotions very deeply, and talk about my problems and emotions a lot if I need to get things off my chest. I like kissing and holding hands and cuddling and all that jazz, and like being touched in return. Basically I want emotional and sexual intimacy, I want to be desired and to give that intimacy back- give emotionally and sexually to a partner. I want to feel cherished and loved and I'm also pretty kinky, so want to try a lot of different things to do with that as well. 

 

Our relationship actually started more on a sexual note, where we made out in my bed and did a lot of sexual touching but there was no actual sex/orgams, despite my girlfriend seeming interested in it at the time. For a couple of weeks after that she did a lot of teasing about sexual stuff with me but because we're both so busy we didn't get around to it. Then there was a really long period where I thought she still wanted to do stuff with me but she was just too busy/distracted despite us going on dates and stuff) and it was... really painful for me. She's the type of person that's not open about her feelings and is emotionally distant (she once told me that she feels complete neutrality toward life most of the time unless there are people with her that she can enjoy herself with). I thought something was wrong with me and that I was too pushy and annoying and she was just too busy, but it turned out once I finally got her to talk about it that what happened in my bed was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing that she hadn't felt since that night, and that she thinks she's asexual. 

 

That was ok for me, and we discussed sex stuff and she said that maybe she could go down on me, but I asked her if she actually wanted to do it or if she just said it to please me, and she said she feels completely neutral toward her giving me oral. I didn't want to have her do something that she doesn't truly want to be doing, so I asked her if it would be ok if maybe I looked for other girls to do sexual stuff with and still be her girlfriend. She said she was fine with an open relationship so I've tried using Her (a lesbian dating app) but... I haven't gotten anywhere despite talking with other girls occasionally because I'm an extremely busy person and often don't have the time to meet with people other than close friends and my girlfriend. 

 

It's been about 2 weeks since she told me she also thinks she's aromantic and we haven't talked about it further- she came over the other day but we mostly worked on uni things together and I didn't want to touch the subject with her again until we're face to face again after the semester is over and we're both less stressed. Being with her makes me so happy, but dealing with this has been a very taxing experience for me. I've felt immense frustration and have felt unwanted and not needed and overwhelmed and inexperienced, and a really deep, painful emotional need to be with someone in an intimate way. I've cried a lot about it as well and I feel.... like I'm hungry all the time for something deeper and much more sexually and emotionally satisfying, as often things only get out in the open because I push for us to talk about things. I told her all of this because I think honesty is important, and told her that it's not her fault and that she shouldn't change for anyone, that it's ok for her to be asexual and it would be terrible and wrong of me to force her into anything. I truly don't blame my girlfriend for any of this, because I know that it's something she can't help, and that it's a normal thing to be asexual just like it's normal to be sexual. Despite all this she has said that she still wants to be in a relationship with me. When I asked her what she wants from me she said an emotional connection, but clearly our ideas and needs about emotional connections are very different. I care about her so much and want to stay connected to her like she does with me.

 

My problems are that while I never imagined myself to be poly, it doesn't repel me in any way and I'm definitely willing to try it. The only thing is that even though I'm 22 I've never had any sexual experiences with another person other than that one time with my girlfriend, and if there was anyone on this planet I'd want to experience my first time with, it would be her. But I know I can't have this and it's really painful for me to think about. I trust her so much, and even thought theoretically I KNOW I can't have this, it doesn't stop it from hurting me. I'm worried about trying things with people I don't know completely and fully, and I don't even know if I have the time and ability to get what I need from multiple people. In the end I'm a bit of an introvert, and having multiple partners sounds exciting but also exhausting. I don't have the experience to casually just meet someone for sex. And because while I do want to try no strings attached sex, I want to have intimate, loving sex with someone I trust and care deeply about first. Because I'm into BDSM I've even thought about going to see a dominatrix, but because I'm a complete god damn virgin I think the experience would be too overwhelming for me to start off with, with no other sexual experiences before that to prepare me for something that intense. 

 

I don't know how to go about telling this to people, either. How do I tell someone that I'm looking for... an additional romantic relationship? In theory basically I need a second girlfriend to fill the emotional and physical needs that I'm not getting at the moment (and also I want to give these things back as well which I can't do for my girlfriend). I'm just... I know what I want but I have no idea how to get there or who to get these things from or.. how to go about meeting people or if I even have the time to be someone who is poly. I never imagined I'd be in this type of situation, but I still want to support my girlfriend and what to make her happy any way I can.

 

Please let me know if any of you have any general advice or just talk about your experiences if you made/make it work with someone who is asexual by finding an additional partner?

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Moonman

I believe that relationships require mutuality. If this current girlfriend isn't catering to your desires and is unwilling to make compromises and sacrifices for your happiness then I'm not sure your relationship is going to stand the test of time. There are asexuals on this forum that have sex with their partner just to cater to their partner's needs. I am positive that the experience is usually uncomfortable for them but if that's what is needed to keep the relationship strong then that's the way the cookie crumbles.

 

I unfortunately have no experience in this area but I believe the part about you finding a second partner to please you sexually isn't a solution, it's another problem.

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Icebearpanda

Whoa, whoa, whoa @dieffenbachia slow your roll here. It sounds like you have a lot going on both in your regular life and your relationship. A question you may want to ask yourself is: If nothing changed tomorrow, could I be happy in this relationship? Really sit with that and think about it. You can't change everything at once, so start with the foundation you have- your relationship with your girlfriend- and get honest  with yourself about how things are and what you need.

As for being poly- Don't do it unless you have REALLY thought about it, talked about it and figured stuff out . Opening up a relationship is hard enough when the relationship is stable and the people in it are relatively emotionally stable and have time and energy to devote to having others in their lives. It sounds from your post that you are not there right now. Don't involve other people without having your ducks in more of an order first. Do some research, talk more to your girlfriend about this and figure stuff out ahead of time. The people you would bring into your life deserve a person that can give them time and attention and it can go very sour in drama-ville very quickly if you're not approaching it thoughtfully. People are not commodities that you can gain from without putting some effort in first- the fact that you want someone to fill your needs means you have to be willing to fill some of theirs too. Do you really have the time and energy to cultivate a second emotionally intensive relationship and maintain your life with your girlfriend and your other life responsibilities? I'm not attempting to be a downer- but you need to think about these things before you take any further steps toward being poly or involving others.  

 As for BDSM- again, approach this thoughtfully. The fact that you're conflating a possible experience with a dominatrix with a sexual experience (whether penetrative or otherwise) or thinking you need to have had sexual experience to be ready for that step, is concerning. If you were my friend, I'd suggest doing some more research or asking around if you know someone who can put you in touch with a dom who may be able to answer some of your concerns about what a possible experience would be like. 

Good luck with whatever you choose to do  

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