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How not to answer a newbie


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In this thread, we will be asking questions that newbies commonly ask, about asexuality, the forums, or anything. You must answer the previous question in an incorrect or silly way, then post a new question for the next poster.

 

Example: if the last question was, "What is asexuality?", you could respond to that with, "Asexuality is when you can only reproduce by budding."

 

I'll start: How do I get an avatar?

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LoyalandTrue

You must master all 4 elements before you can become an avatar.

 

So what is platonic attraction?

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Platonic attraction is when you want to join someone's platoon.

 

What is the TOS?

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God of the Forest

TOS is Telling Ostrich's Secrets: It's a rule book on how to properly out Ostriches about not being able to fly

 

Halp! My partner is sexual! What to do?

 

(Edited cuz TheAP beat me to it! :P )

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Prufrock, but like, worse

Tell them that chromosomes are a lie made up by snowflakes. It's really all in the midichlorians. Sex is just the physical extension of gender, not its own entity. Gender is itself the manifestation of Mr. Rogers from another dimension where everything is gelatin. Intercourse is the will of Moloch, and thus morally indefensible. Keep repeating your points and insulting them until they agree.

 

Can I be asexual if I masturbate?

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ItWasNiceKnowingYou

 there's no term for asexuals who are masters of debating. For more details, see HoBo & PPS. Common understanding is not included.  Results may vary

 

Can you tell me if Im asexual?

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AshenPhoenix

Unfortunately we can't tell you because only you can know if you reproduce by budding

 

Can you become asexual?

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AshenPhoenix

You don't. You invite your friends in. It's rude to leave them outside.

 

I think my partner is asexual. What do?

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LoyalandTrue

Give them plenty of water and sunshine

 

But what if I'm not really asexual, just haven't found the right person yet?

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Guest Invisible Pumpkin

You have to keep losing people in the woods, but you can do it too in any other place you like, just be creative. 

 

What is sexual attraction? 

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God of the Forest

 Sexual Attraction is a new theme park in which only sexual people are allowed in. Like, seriously, you even have to audition with a sex tape to get in..its lame.

 

How do I know if I'm trans?

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Prufrock, but like, worse

Oh, you like sex? Name three of their albums.

 

How do I convince my family that I'm ace?

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You're not alone! There are three more aces in the deck.

 

Halp! Which label is the right one for me?

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LoyalandTrue

Try this one *puts label on forehead- Only 45 calories!*

 

Where can I meet other asexuals irl?

(edited for ninja))

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dragon_nerd

A petri dish with a bacteria culture growing in it

 

What is romantic attraction?

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LoyalandTrue

It's a lot like that sexual attraction we were talking about, but it's only for romantics. You have to provide reciepts to show that you've attended at least fourteen rom-coms, and you MUST have seen all the classic romances. After all, the attraction is only for true romantics.

 

Can I still be asexual if I like to kiss?

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dragon_nerd

No, I don't really like that band. 

 

Can I still be asexual if I like reading romance novels?

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Personally I love novels that center around the character Ro Mance 

 

What if I am just a late bloomer?(pun intentional)

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It could be that you may not be getting enough sun. Consider moving your potted plants around or pruning surrounding foliage. Some fertilizer might help too.

 

Help! I have a crush, what do I do?

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Bury the crushed bodies in the garden of your neighbour at night, make sure to plant some flowers on top of them so no one is suspicous.

 

What is SAM and how do I know the difference between those types of attraction?

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chair jockey

SAM is short for Self-Arming Missile. It's an obsolete technology because we have drone missiles now.

 

My girlfriend wants sex, should I break up with her?

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Yes. Her obsession with wanting Several Electric Xylophones will eventually eclipse her affection for you.

 

What do I need to do to be eligible for elections?

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Prufrock, but like, worse

You need to have been a member for 35 years and have been born online.

 

Why does AVEN, of all websites, not have a "friend" feature?

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Because asexuals are robots and don't need friends.

 

What is a QPR?

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Prufrock, but like, worse

Quad Parrot Remonstrandum. It's any situation where four birds are disappointed in you.

 

So, are you all like Sheldon except you refuse to convert in the end?

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chair jockey

No, I'm already Catholic.

 

I love to kiss and cuddle but the thought of sex turns me off. What do I do?

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Get a stuffed toy and make out with it.

 

What do you call someone who's not asexual?

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