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How not to answer a newbie


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Grey-Ace Ventura

Because it's a well-known fact that all adults like sex. Hence, the people to whom you refer are justified because aces are children who want to play doctor on other children. Funsies.

 

Can I ever stop being asexual?

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Katarina Gertje

Of course you can! Just flip your sexual attraction switch on, silly!

 

What does the phrase 'sex sells' mean?

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Vicky Angel

It means in order to be a member of this website, you must nail a sign that says sex= bad to a fence

 

How do I find friends from this community in the real world?

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Just track everyone's IP address.

 

How do asexuals find dating partners?

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Vicky Angel

Shhh it's a secret!  

 

How do I change my signature? 

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Skycaptain

In the autumn of your life 

 

My walls are covered with pin-ups, can I still be asexual 

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Phantasmal Fingers

Let me put it this way -- if you jerk off whilst reading Enid Blyton you can be whoever you want to be! 

 

Are asexuals simply innocent children who have never grown up? 

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Vicky Angel

No we are obviously the munchkins that didn't get invited to join the lollipop guild

 

How do you tag someone?

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50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple

with a complete disregard for their feelings

 

how many asexuals does it take to solve the mystery of the house of the baskervilles?

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Phantasmal Fingers

As many hounds as it takes to cross Grimpen Mire. 

 

What exactly does the initiation ceremony you need to undergo in order to join AVEN involve doing? 

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50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple

you must pray to our lord, David Jay. if he shines his light upon you, you are allowed in.

 

what is sexual attraction and how is different from staring at peoples bodies

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Phantasmal Fingers

It isn't. Whenever anyone stares at you it means they want to f*ck you. It's bad manners not to let them, or to show any dislike or reluctance. 

 

Could my pet rabbit be asexual? How could I tell? 

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Katarina Gertje

If it multiplies without a mate, the rabbit's asexual.

 

Are there any aro/ace protagonists?

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They all are, but some are more closeted than others.

 

How long should I wait to tell someone I'm dating that I'm not interested in sex?

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Honestly, I'm surprised you're dating at all. By doing so you are endangering the secrecy of our entire organization. Rethink your life choices and come back later. 

 

What are "ranks" for?

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Skycaptain

You go up a rank for every definition debate you've started with an innocent question 

 

I accidentally bought a gross of condoms. What can I do with them 

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50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple

go to a child's birthday party and lecture them about asexuality and give them the condoms as balloons, if they cry it means they are enjoying it.

 

why do people choose to be asexual, is it something to do with seaweed?

 

 

Edited by 50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple
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No, and how dare you suggest such a thing? We don't talk about seaweed anymore... not after the incident. 

 

Do I have to be good at math to be ace?

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50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple

Yes it's where the term ace comes from, we ace all maths questions. Also since allosexuals just keep jumping, humping and dumping each other, us asexuals have more time for the purpose and destiny of life. MATHS

 

why is cake so important in the ace community

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Cake is important to everyone, aces just have more of an appreciation for it than allos for whatever reason.

 

How do I prevent people staring at me when asexual reproduction is brought up in science class?

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KuraTheChibiSleepingBeauty

Tell everyone that you're secretly a plant. 

 

Is there a secret to all the ace cake?

 

 

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It doesn't actually exist. BUT SHHHHHHHHHHH

 

How do I vote in AVEN elections?

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KuraTheChibiSleepingBeauty

If you want x member, you pick up a white rock and throw it in a bucket. If you want y member, you pick up a black rock and throw it in a bucket. if you want z member, throw all the buckets out the window.

 

Is it true that asexuals are as elusive as Hobbits?

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I mean we all do live in hobbit holes so...

 

Why was asexual shortened to "ace" (an actual word) and aromantic not shortened to "arrow" (also an actual word) instead of "aro"? 

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

It's actually 'aero', like the chocolate, and alludes to aromantics' secret ability to fly.

 

Why do aphobes exist?

 

 

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Aphobes actually don't exist. You're delusional and feeling entitled. 

 

How can I find more asexuals near me?

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Type it into Delivery Dudes or something. Just make sure you do it soon because right now, most delivery services provide free delivery.

 

Is kissing sexual?

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50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple

no, the kissing wants to have sex with you, the kissing is just a bit shy on bringing it up

 

can my sexuality change?

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Vicky Angel

Yes and you better not watch it change.  That would make you a peeping Tom. 

 

What does cake have to do with anything?

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