What does aromanticism feel like?

[Drummydrumsdrums]

Hey there everyone

So, I've been writing about asexuality and aromanticism on a German writers' site for a while (cause I thought this was the best way for me to reach as many people as possible).

I myself am both asexual and aromantic but I've come across a problem. I have explained what this means as well as covering some other terms, stereotypes etc. But I somehow struggle conveying the feeling of being aromantic in words other than explaining that I've never experienced something like a crush (only a couple of squishes). For me, it just clicked at some point. I knew I was aro at the snap of a finger.

How would you explain aromanticism to romantic people (they already know that it means a lack of romantic attraction)?

Thanks a lot!

Drummy

[Lana Overland]

For me it's like trying to feel something that I can't feel and then when I step back and act platonically feels better.

[Scottthespy]

"Ok, so you know how you feel about all the people you AREN'T attracted to? That's how it feels."

 

I don't see how just "I don't feel romantic love" doesn't get the point across. Surely the people you're talking to aren't romantically in love with every person they know. They know how 'I like you but not that way' feels, and how 'I don't know you well enough to have much of an opinion' feels, and even 'I know you well enough to dislike you' feels. Its like that for us too, we just never get those romantic tingles or whatever they are for anyone.

[Flygunn]

2 hours ago, Scottthespy said:

"Ok, so you know how you feel about all the people you AREN'T attracted to? That's how it feels."

 

I don't see how just "I don't feel romantic love" doesn't get the point across. Surely the people you're talking to aren't romantically in love with every person they know. They know how 'I like you but not that way' feels, and how 'I don't know you well enough to have much of an opinion feels, and even 'I know you well enough to dislike you' feels. Its like that for us too, we just never get those romantic tingles or whatever they are for anyone.

The thing I am more confused about is that those people can experience both romantic and non-romantic attraction, so theoretically they should understand more than those who don't experience the romantic side.  Yet they ask aromantics what the experience is like!

[Snao Cone]

It feels comfortable when I wake up in the morning in a half-asleep haze and have nobody in bed beside me.

It feels relieving when I see dramatic plots of heartbreak in TV or movies and I know I won't go through that.

It feels awkward when I meet someone at a party and they are taking special interest in me and I know why.

 

Aromanticism isn't a feeling in and of itself. Since it's a lack of a feeling, you can only sense it when the difference between what you feel and what you've been told you should feel is evident.

[Scottthespy]

5 hours ago, Flygunn said:

The thing I am more confused about is that those people can experience both romantic and non-romantic attraction, so theoretically they should understand more than those who don't experience the romantic side.  Yet they ask aromantics what the experience is like!

My point exactly. Its just like THEIR experience...only withOUT the parts where you wanna go on dates, and WITH a whole bunch more of people trying to set you up on unwanted dates.

[Drummydrumsdrums]

5 hours ago, Snao Çoñé said:

Aromanticism isn't a feeling in and of itself

And this is exactly why I don't know how to explain it. I mean, even aromantics - despite of not feeling it - know what being in love is supposed to feel like because of books, movies and songs. To me, that's kinda like asking what it feels like to not be an animal. Or what it's like being black-haired.

I guess to them, romantic love is simply so vital that never experiencing it ever is beyond anything they can imagine. That might be why they think it feels somewhat different from what they know. But hopefully clarifiying that they actually know this non-existent feeling will help them understand a little better.

[Bezzy-Loo]

It's not getting the sorts of feelings any of those fancy love songs describe. It is, instead, feeling like everyone important to you is a friend or a chosen/"adopted" sibling. You love them, you truly do, just not that way.

[litanies]

I answered this on Quora in detail.  Not sure if it can be seen without a login.  Here's the question on Quora and here's my answer.

[cooliocool]

It's when you don't experience romantic attraction. You never like/desire anyone in a romantic way. You feel that friendship is more preferable than a romantic relationship. 

[Guest]

It feels like happiness and contentment at the thought of being single for the rest of my life.

[Homer]

It feels like walking against a wall when someone tries to explain the difference between friendship and romance.

[Drummydrumsdrums]

On ‎22‎.‎05‎.‎2017 at 6:42 AM, litanies said:

I answered this on Quora in detail.  Not sure if it can be seen without a login.  Here's the question on Quora and here's my answer.

Yes, I could read it. I especially liked the part about colours - that's a nice way to put it and it might actually be a great way to explain it to my readers! Thanks  

[littlebilby]

On 17/05/2017 at 8:15 AM, Lana Overland said:

For me it's like trying to feel something that I can't feel and then when I step back and act platonically feels better.

This has rocked me to the core... I never thought I may be aromantic but this has put my feelings into words so well it’s like you read my mind

[apatrickwsu]

As a sexual aromantic who is romance repulsed it is easy enough to describe the way I feel about things but people tend to read extra things in and assume some kind of pick-up-artist thing which is so not me. Then I drop the 35 year old virgin bombshell and most people don't seem to know what to think of me after that.

[helana12_03]

What it feels like for me is that I just don't want to be in a relationship. I can be really close friends with people and spend hours with them every day without wanting to form a romantic relationship with them. I like not being in a relationship. Romantic relationships feel unnatural to me. They kind of make me feel as if I'm losing myself in the process. I don't like feeling like I'm tied down either.

[amat96]

I'm most definitely aromantic so know exactly what it feels like. 

 

I would never want to have a candle-lit dinner or anything like that, I can't stand romantic poems and pretty much anything romantic in a film results in a sigh or a meh unless it's very subtle or not the main focus. I also like having a bed to myself.

 

My brain responds to most things to do with romance with "I can't be bothered", "that's so annoying" and/or just wants to reject it all together. 

[bleepbloopp]

On 5/17/2017 at 4:00 AM, Flygunn said:

The thing I am more confused about is that those people can experience both romantic and non-romantic attraction, so theoretically they should understand more than those who don't experience the romantic side.  Yet they ask aromantics what the experience is like!

It's not as easy as that, though. I'm asexual but romantic and I can't conceive of never having a romantic feeling about someone. It's not that I don't know what not having a romantic feeling towards a single person feels like, it's like I want to know what it feels like to *never* have it. It's different to having it happen sometimes.

 

I also don't want candlelit dinners or any of the romantic stuff too, but that's "romance" I don't like, I still have feelings towards certain people.

 

So can someone help explain it further?

[Tunes]

Yeah, you can't describe something that doesn't exist. Since aromanticism is the lack of something and not the presence of anything, you can't really describe it any other way.

 

But another misconception that you should mention is how society tends to feel that romantic love is always stronger/deeper than platonic love, like it's somehow a step up from platonic love (usually this misconception, I think, comes from the fact that people often become friends, then progress their relationship to a romantic state, so they view it as being always a step above friendship, when that's not really how it works). So instead of describing what aromantics don't feel, maybe you can try explaining how deep platonic relationships (and squishes) differ from deep romantic relationships (and crushes). Of course, while this might get you a step closer by giving you something to describe, since you can't find distinct actions that will always be viewed romantically vs interactions that are intimate but always viewed platonically, you are still very limited in how you can describe this because you can't use actions. 

 

So I guess I don't really have an answer for you, but there's some food for thought, and good luck!

[kiaroskuro]

On 5/16/2017 at 11:20 PM, Drummydrumsdrums said:

So, I've been writing about asexuality and aromanticism on a German writers' site for a while (cause I thought this was the best way for me to reach as many people as possible).

Which site was that, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I'm afraid I can't answer your question, I still have a hard time figuring out if I'm demi-, lith- or WTFromantic, or something else entirely.

[Tunes]

11 hours ago, bleepbloopp said:

So can someone help explain it further?

It's not as though there are no actions that an individual considers strictly romantic. So the best way I can think of to describe it is this: think of something that you would only ever want to do with a romantic partner. Now imagine loving someone more than anyone in the world - enjoying your time with them, valuing their opinions, just loving them in general. Maybe a family member (if your family isn't shit). But you don't want to do any of those things that you imagined doing with a romantic partner. You still love them, but platonically - your drive to do things that you wouldn't do with other friends/family members (provided you were that close with them) is as strong as your drive to have sex with them. Just like you can love someone just as deeply as a sexual loves someone, even though you don't want to have sex with them, likewise aromantics can love someone just as much as a romantic can love someone, even if they don't want to do anything that is nonplatonic with them. 

 

I don't know if this applies to all aromantics, but my QP partner says that she can't tell the difference between any "types" of love. There are different degrees of love, but not different types. Love is love. She also says that since I will always be there to care about and support her (and she for me) for the rest of her life, and her brother will also be there to care about and support her (and her for him) for the rest of her life, how come I can be a "life partner" and her brother can't? If her brother is one of the most important people to her and I am one of the most important people to her, then why aren't we both her "significant other"s? She loves me just as much as I love her, but without the romantic drive, there is nothing to set me apart from other people that she feels deeply about. And she has no need nor desire to have a romantic relationship, whereas I do. Needs are different. The way you express your love is different. The things you want out of a relationship are different. But the base feeling - love itself - is the same. It's all about the form that the relationship takes. 

 

And the fact that different people view things differently is part of how we can compromise to make the relationship work, too. For example, I love cuddling. I would feel uncomfortable being that close to someone who was "just a friend", no matter how much I cared for them - I don't cuddle with platonic interests. For me, when me and my partner cuddle, it feels very romantic. But for her, it's like being in a dogpile with friends. She feels warm and comfortable and cared about, but does not associate it with romantic feelings in any way. That's how it is with everything. If she is expected to do something that she does not interpret as platonic (like kissing, for example), she gets really uncomfortable. As part of our compromises (and because she wants me to be happy), she will kiss me from time to time, because she knows that I understand that as more meaningful than a hug, but she visibly cringes each time. She swears it doesn't really bother her that much - it's just an automatic reaction. Still, I think that shows that she's at least a little uncomfortable with it.