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Hello all, I am iff and the new moderator for For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

So about me, I am 32 and my main interests are books, music and cycling. I've been a member of aven for a number of years so with my love of books and music, I am a good listener and reader so I hope nothing in this forum would surprise me as books give a great experience of human relationships.

 

One quirky thing about me is my love of stuffed toys as emphasised by the lion in my avatar (until I actually change my avatar and forget to update this post ;) )

 

Any questions or problems that you may have, please do not hesitate to pm me :) i'll be happy to help

 

 

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  • 2 years later...

i am still the moderator here

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10 minutes ago, iff said:

i am still the moderator here

Nice. First time to explore topic on-line. Been living with a while so just curious to read comments ...how diff ppl deal with whatever they deal with in diff ways   Anyway. Thanks. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello to anyone listening?

Just curious if this thread is still alive, I have been referred here twice already.....but, last moderator post was dated 2017......?

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17 hours ago, Uncle D said:

Hello to anyone listening?

Just curious if this thread is still alive, I have been referred here twice already.....but, last moderator post was dated 2017......?

I am still the moderator here

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  • 1 year later...
12 minutes ago, Rocket88 said:

Hi y"all mike here. I would like to know how I find the sign up website

I must say getting signed up is difficult. My quote is my motto, Live to fight another day. I am a 65 years  old . I am retired now. 

My profession was Finish carpentry. I held a state contractors license for 20 years. I am a veteran of the U.S. Navy Seabees. I am a grandfather of two young ones and have one daughter. I am married to an Italian woman and have been for 33 years. I am asexual and I believe I have been most of my life. I acted as if i was interested for 40 + years but I was only trying to be normal and had some of the worst moments of my life because I I really was never attracted to anyone .I would like to share with others, since I am 

new to this website, any contact is greatly appreciated.

Best regards, Mike.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  • 2 months later...
On 4/11/2021 at 5:02 AM, Rocket88 said:

I must say getting signed up is difficult. My quote is my motto, Live to fight another day. I am a 65 years  old . I am retired now. 

My profession was Finish carpentry. I held a state contractors license for 20 years. I am a veteran of the U.S. Navy Seabees. I am a grandfather of two young ones and have one daughter. I am married to an Italian woman and have been for 33 years. I am asexual and I believe I have been most of my life. I acted as if i was interested for 40 + years but I was only trying to be normal and had some of the worst moments of my life because I I really was never attracted to anyone .I would like to share with others, since I am 

new to this website, any contact is greatly appreciated.

Best regards, Mike.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can you elaborate when you say the 'worst moments of your life'? I'm scared that my sexuality is creating those moments for my wife and I would like to avoid that at all costs, but at the same time as a sexual person it is really difficult what is fine for an asexual, and what will create the worst moments of her life.

Thanks for sharing!

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  • 4 months later...

Hi rocket 88. Can you share a bit more about your relationship with your wife. I mean you've had kids, so some sex must have gone on. How do you interact physically with your wife? Do you cuddle, kiss flirt etc? How has she made you feel comfortable with who you are? In other words how do you show love for each other? The reason I ask is that I'm in a mixed relationship,have been for 27 years, no kids, no kisses, very little physical closeness ... Indeed the more frustrated I get the more my husband shies away..long story. But would really appreciate to hear yours.

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@Dumb,   Welcome.   You choice of user name is..well…. Curious.  Anyway, I’m not sure Rocket 88 is around these parts anymore. 
i have been married for very long time to asexual man. We had kids(2) but sex was always tepid.    I just didn’t realize in the early years.  To answer your question- there is no cuddling, kissing or other forms of physical closeness.   Hasn’t been for too long to remember.  When I was agitated and feeling rejected and angry about the lack of intimacy, our relationship was overall much worse.  
When sex was completely off the table I think he started to relax and feel less annoyed with me.   This was not an easy process for me.  
I guess the only way I can demonstrate love is via caretaking: cooking cleaning, keeping life at home organized and predictable, and listening( he loves to talk).  I’m sure love expressions differ from person to person, but these are ours.  
I hope this somewhat answers your question 

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intheshadowoferos

Hi @Dumb I will echo @SusannaC and add that for me (married almost 30 yrs, and just recently figured out my husband is Asexual. We stopped being physically intimate more than 13 yrs ago. My husband is not very talkative. I take his willingness and delight in the things we do together, read, wine tasting, board games, travel, etc., as indicators that love is still alive. He isn’t trying to be anything, he is what he is, and accepting That, and by not trying to change him…however isolating it may be… is the very least I can do to to show I love him. And I do, very much… my needs are not met, and I’m still trying to figure that out. I have not finished talking about it, I have a lot of healing to do. 
now that I have found asexual… both it’s definition, and this supportive venue, I can focus on getting us back into a therapist to help with our communication so that the next 30yrs are respectful, caring, and peaceful. For me that’s my ultimate goal.

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@intheshadowoferos, isolation is a good way to describe my relationship, especially before AVEN.  I was very lonely and embarrassed to discuss this glaring lack in our relationship. It was intensely stressful over the years.  Finding a way to remain married to an otherwise great man has been the challenge for sexual me.  Sexual intimacy & physical touch are part of my love language and I am no longer ashamed to knowledge these facts about myself. 
I don’t have the answer on the correct way to handle your situation.  Each person has their own unique situation , relationship, personality & needs.    

 

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Great responses. I guess we're all still sticking around because our spouses are really great. When you've got lots of distractions and mutual interests it's all hunky dory. But, and there is always a but, when we're faced with a world of self fulfillment, self entitlement, etc. I feel we've drawn the short straw.

Let's face it, it's hard.

And yes, I too do a lot of caregiving, which, when I think about it seriously, just doesn't tick all the boxes.

So here's my response to the name. I feel dumb because I was very ignorant about asexuality and only stumbled upon it after a very,very long time. It seems to me that many people in the health and mental profession have never heard about it either.

How silly and stupid of me.

If only I had known, maybe nothing or everything would have been different. Who knows?

My questions are, had you known about asexuality back then would you be in the relationship your in now? Had your partner known, and had society accepted this, would your partner have gone his/her own way?

I have quite a few homosexual friends who would not ever dream of having a heterosexual partner. However, in the past, I guess this was the norm.  So are we where we are because there's not enough info on asexuality? 

I know and am aware I can't change my partner. Aven, thank God, has opened my eyes wide open on this but what is his challenge?

The gap, I fear, is in understanding what it means to be sexual for an asexual. And I have come to the conclusion that it's not understood at all. So, of course I accept who he is, but am I accepted, really?

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I'd like to add a post script. If your partner had said to you I don't want to use articles in my speech, the assertion would have been quite clear. Okay I'll give it a try. But then you realize it doesn't really work out for you. So why give up on using articles? It's just hard work. But what if your partner was using normal speech and then one day gave up on articles. You'd think something was up. You'd try some remedies, you'd try and understand. He'd encourage you by saying they'll be back and you'd wait. In the meantime, communication gets harder. Expectations run high. You wait. But nothing. Articles are out of the question. You just have to comunicate without them. No big deal. Some languages can do without. So why not learn the same language? Can this be done with asexuals - alsexual partnership?

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@Dumb, welcome!

4 hours ago, Dumb said:

we're all still sticking around because our spouses are really great.

This applies to me as well.  Doesn't make it easy, but reading and occasionally sharing on Aven certainly helps.     

 

We each get different levels of partnership from our spouses, but the pattern seems to be they don't fully understand what our needs are.  And at least in the case of my wife, I feel she wants to.  In my opinion,  the difference between physical need and emotional need is the issue ... and seems difficult for some to comprehend that the same act provides both.

 

Anyway,  hope you stay around and share your thoughts.   

 

Oh, took 28+ years to figure it out here, so I don't think your ID is accurate at all...or I am too...lol!

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intheshadowoferos
6 hours ago, SusannaC said:

@intheshadowoferos, isolation is a good way to describe my relationship, especially before AVEN.  I was very lonely and embarrassed to discuss this glaring lack in our relationship. It was intensely stressful over the years.  Finding a way to remain married to an otherwise great man has been the challenge for sexual me.  Sexual intimacy & physical touch are part of my love language and I am no longer ashamed to knowledge these facts about myself. 
I don’t have the answer on the correct way to handle your situation.  Each person has their own unique situation , relationship, personality & needs.    

 

It is also a big part of my love language. I’ve put a lot of effort into finding a reason our sexual relationship went away. There have been countless all -night -teary conversations, blame, finger pointing, accusations, medical appointments to find issues with hormones, group counseling sessions, individual therapy sessions, sit downs with clergy, contracts meant to improve communication, retreats…. You name it… and I’ve thrown it at our relationship. All this did little, and we found we were just spinning our wheels.

like you, I’m married to the kindest, most interesting person, and we make a great team. 
although I will say, he is not a big conversationalist. But that’s not a deal breaker for me. And, neither is it a deal breaker to be married to an asexual. We have a beautiful family, and I would never trade that.

 

it sounds like you and I have a fair bit in common. 
Pm me if you wish.

-ITSOE

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intheshadowoferos
4 hours ago, Dumb said:

My questions are, had you known about asexuality back then would you be in the relationship your in now? Had your partner known, and had society accepted this, would your partner have gone his/her own way?

I have quite a few homosexual friends who would not ever dream of having a heterosexual partner. However, in the past, I guess this was the norm.  So are we where we are because there's not enough info on asexuality? 

I know and am aware I can't change my partner. Aven, thank God, has opened my eyes wide open on this but what is his challenge?

The gap, I fear, is in understanding what it means to be sexual for an asexual. And I have come to the conclusion that it's not understood at all. So, of course I accept who he is, but am I accepted, really?

1. I feel like I would be better equipped to accept it rather than spend the years I did blaming a dozen different things and even so much as considering plastic surgery to fix my resting bitch face… but I don’t know if it would have been a deal,breaker to know that sex had an expiration date….

2. I think we are. But I’ll give it more thought.

3. I don’t understand the question. “What is his challenge”. If you’re asking if my partner also has been given a short straw, then a resounding YES, because why should anyone have to put up with the turmoil and general unhappiness that we have. The stress and depression have been at times… debilitating.

4. I don’t feel accepted, but that’s because I am in this relationship, maybe a will once we have been going to therapy around this. But generally in the world my sexuality isn’t something I wear on my sleeve either. I assume the assumption is that we have a healthy sexual relationship…. If anyone even has ever considered us that way. 
I think our situation would make a lot of people uneasy, and without Asexuality being widely understood, fingers would be pointed, and a couple of men I know might want to ‘take care of my needs’.

back to the point, I don’t doubt that given thorough discussion and therapy conversations, that my husband will accept me for the sexual being I am. But, and this is the caveat, like backing off from me wanting to have sex with him….. he will not be stepping up to have sex with me. So the consolation will always be one sided…. And is still a raw spot.

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intheshadowoferos
20 hours ago, Dumb said:

I'd like to add a post script. If your partner had said to you I don't want to use articles in my speech, the assertion would have been quite clear. Okay I'll give it a try. But then you realize it doesn't really work out for you. So why give up on using articles? It's just hard work. But what if your partner was using normal speech and then one day gave up on articles. You'd think something was up. You'd try some remedies, you'd try and understand. He'd encourage you by saying they'll be back and you'd wait. In the meantime, communication gets harder. Expectations run high. You wait. But nothing. Articles are out of the question. You just have to comunicate without them. No big deal. Some languages can do without. So why not learn the same language? Can this be done with asexuals - alsexual partnership?

I didn’t catch it, but is this an analogy? Or are we really talking about articles in speech? The car, An Apple, A ladder.

sorry if I’m missing the obvious.

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1 hour ago, intheshadowoferos said:

I didn’t catch it, but is this an analogy? Or are we really talking about articles in speech? The car, An Apple, A ladder.

sorry if I’m missing the obvious.

Yes it is an analogy and yes it is,  the a, an. Apparently some languages do without. I was trying to move away from sex as it has stacks of connotations so I used speech instead. In the meantime I read lots of other posts and the idea I'm getting, just an idea, is that for alsexuals who've been married with an asexual for a very long time one simply doesn't want to throw away the baby with the bathwater. So what I'm trying to find out here is how to enhance emotional connection so that there is some return on the investment we've made? 

I've listened a lot to Esther Perrel's podcasts ( nothing to do with asexuals) and well .. they're interesting. She says that with couples therapy you have to fix the sex first and then all else falls into place. But hey what do we do?

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Sorry to ramble, but the other very important point is that if asexuality were better known there would be a lot less tension. I.e. mixed couples would enter into marriage with open eyes. 

At the moment, reading the posts, I get the idea that we were all in the dark. We found out later and by then we had invested too much, the attachment with our partners had become strong, albeit the frustration.

The 4 choices, stay - fight, go - flee, get a lover or opt for a sex toy  somehow seem like an over simplification. I.e if you're staying how do you suppress anger or frustration ( emotionally not sexually). If you go what happens to your investment/ sanity?

Would love to hear about alsexual s experience with leaving their partners, not because they've found someone else, but because they have simply had enough. Also interested to know how others cope with the opposite.

Probably a repeat question. Sorry.

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intheshadowoferos

@Dumb I’m new to this transition too. 
On  tossing the baby in the bath and enhancing emotional connection:

 for me it will be building back that connection without sex. Meaning, I’ve spent the better part of a marriage so focused on what I lacked, that I feel like I’ve neglected reinforcing what we do have. I do believe emotional connection is more than sex, and can be just as rich without it. I think of couples where one person has suffered an injury or disease and this feels no less as traumatic or altering. We chose each other not only because of the sex, but we saw our paths forward as somewhat parallel, and we wanted to share that path. 
Last month when I first heard of Asexuality, and found AVEN, I was also reading up on the subject. I’ve since given those books to my husband. We had been in the process of finding a therapist anyway, so this part of the journey has actually helped me to find LGBTQIA allies in that profession. Our emotional connection has suffered over the years because of trust issues around intimacy and that connection, but with that off the table I think we can commit to sharing deeper on an intellectual and emotional level.
Sorry, I ramble too.

I agree, those 4 obvious choices feel over simplified to me too. It’s not that easy for me. While yes, there might be a new vibrator in my future, silicone and lube are not going to make me happy much beyond the  half-life of endorphins and oxytocin.

what I would like to see is for my husband and I to become closer friends, further develop our common interests, laugh more, support each other’s personal interests, share more of our personalities. 
I don’t suppress anger and frustration very well or in healthy ways, and they mostly just show up as me being pissed and sad most of the time. Although I will say We aren’t demonstrative with these feelings by nature.

 He doesn’t want to rehash this on a weekly or monthly basis. We go several months at a time between discussions. These discussions usually last several hours if not all not, and they are exhausting, emotionally and physically. 
I will also say that I am not angry at him any longer. This isn’t something he is doing to me, or to us. This is his orientation, I have no control over that, and I don’t feel resentful or wronged because of this.

 

I am learning a new way to be in this relationship, like when I found out I couldn’t eat dairy or wheat longer…. I had to learn to go without some things, but found new things that I enjoy. I miss pastries, and cheeses; substitutions are not good as a rule, so I choose to go without. But it also means that I don’t go places or events for the food, I go for the conversation, the experience. It also means that since I have food allergies I don’t have to eat crappy catered meals or box lunches… I always bring my own.

 

I’m alright redefining our unique brand of love and relationship.

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28 minutes ago, intheshadowoferos said:

@Dumb I’m new to this transition too. 
On  tossing the baby in the bath and enhancing emotional connection:

 for me it will be building back that connection without sex. Meaning, I’ve spent the better part of a marriage so focused on what I lacked, that I feel like I’ve neglected reinforcing what we do have. I do believe emotional connection is more than sex, and can be just as rich without it. I think of couples where one person has suffered an injury or disease and this feels no less as traumatic or altering. We chose each other not only because of the sex, but we saw our paths forward as somewhat parallel, and we wanted to share that path. 
Last month when I first heard of Asexuality, and found AVEN, I was also reading up on the subject. I’ve since given those books to my husband. We had been in the process of finding a therapist anyway, so this part of the journey has actually helped me to find LGBTQIA allies in that profession. Our emotional connection has suffered over the years because of trust issues around intimacy and that connection, but with that off the table I think we can commit to sharing deeper on an intellectual and emotional level.
Sorry, I ramble too.

I agree, those 4 obvious choices feel over simplified to me too. It’s not that easy for me. While yes, there might be a new vibrator in my future, silicone and lube are not going to make me happy much beyond the  half-life of endorphins and oxytocin.

what I would like to see is for my husband and I to become closer friends, further develop our common interests, laugh more, support each other’s personal interests, share more of our personalities. 
I don’t suppress anger and frustration very well or in healthy ways, and they mostly just show up as me being pissed and sad most of the time. Although I will say We aren’t demonstrative with these feelings by nature.

 He doesn’t want to rehash this on a weekly or monthly basis. We go several months at a time between discussions. These discussions usually last several hours if not all not, and they are exhausting, emotionally and physically. 
I will also say that I am not angry at him any longer. This isn’t something he is doing to me, or to us. This is his orientation, I have no control over that, and I don’t feel resentful or wronged because of this.

 

I am learning a new way to be in this relationship, like when I found out I couldn’t eat dairy or wheat longer…. I had to learn to go without some things, but found new things that I enjoy. I miss pastries, and cheeses; substitutions are not good as a rule, so I choose to go without. But it also means that I don’t go places or events for the food, I go for the conversation, the experience. It also means that since I have food allergies I don’t have to eat crappy catered meals or box lunches… I always bring my own.

 

I’m alright redefining our unique brand of love and relationship.

Wow. Very, very helpful. A lot of food for thought here. I'll get back if it sparks any new thoughts.

On the whole though it seems to me like you're headed in a good direction. I hope you find that emotional eroticism, curiosity, aliveness, closeness. That's what I'm looking for too. 

 

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  • 2 years later...
On 5/15/2017 at 6:25 AM, iff said:

Hello all, I am iff and the new moderator for For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

So about me, I am 32 and my main interests are books, music and cycling. I've been a member of aven for a number of years so with my love of books and music, I am a good listener and reader so I hope nothing in this forum would surprise me as books give a great experience of human relationships.

 

One quirky thing about me is my love of stuffed toys as emphasised by the lion in my avatar (until I actually change my avatar and forget to update this post ;) )

 

Any questions or problems that you may have, please do not hesitate to pm me :) i'll be happy to help

 

 

Welcome. That’s it. Just welcome and I hope your job is completely uneventful. 

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