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Gray-A's


KSpaz

Gray or nay?  

9 members have voted

  1. 1.

    • Nope, never doubt it, I'm entirely Asexual all the time.
      31
    • I doubt my asexuality once in a while, but really, that's just me being toward the darker fringe on the bottom of the gray.
      36
    • Yeah, Gray-A does seem like a good term for what I feel. Kinda confusing sometimes.
      28
    • Well, I identify as sexual, but I have been known to dip into the asexual realm from time to time, so maybe I'm near the whiter-fringe?
      2
    • Nope, never doubt it, I'm entirely sexual all the time.
      1
    • Other - ie, move around a lot, or...well, anything. This is the "other" option anway. Fill in your own blank.
      1


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Alright, so don't know if this term is already around, but if not, I'm coining it now.

Gray-A

Is there really a line at which point you are asexual?

According to our logo there isn't. Just fuzziness.

So, this thread I dedicate to our fuzzy members who may sometimes feel unsure of their asexuality/sexuality.

Share your views, stories, whatever makes you think you'd like to call yourself Gray-A.

I'll start:

In simple terms, I have hetero attractions, can experience physical pleasure, and am indifferent (as opposed to repulsed) to the idea of having sex if it is with someone I care for (though can't imagine it for any situation without utmost trust involved).

I don't get turned on and jump my boyfriend (yes, I have one), but will respond to him in touchy ways and am pleased to do so willingly, because it does feel nice. If we never had sex, I would have no problem. But if we do some day, I probably won't mind, and may enjoy it to a degree. But as of now I don't think I'll ever actively seek it out.

I call myself asexual, because I am, and because I choose my label.

I'm betting there has to be others out here who fit better in the gray part of the triangle better than other areas, too, and I'm curious to hear from you, so fire away!

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I like it! However, I'm way down in the black part. Thanks, but no sex for me, I've had enough already.

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I actually think this describes me pretty well. Not that I question my asexuality, but I'm okay with sex. I just don't feel a need for it that sexual people apparently do. For me it's just... meh. Whatever.

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Second option for me.

Usually I don't doubt it but sometimes I feel like it just doesn't fit, even though it does perfectly. It's not that I become sexually attracted to anyone or anything, I just feel like, "Asexual? Is that me? o.o" I'm just weird like that.

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This sounds like what some people would call either demi-sexuual or semi-sexual, but I like this term better. It paints a better picture of it so to speak. When you think about semisexual or demisexual, it sounds more like a box whereas "Gray-Asexual" shows more of a spectrum and blur-space.

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Yeah, (to Jesh's response) I don't question my asexuality anymore ...now...

But oh boy, back when I first became intimate with my boyfriend it made me so worried.

It was like....what?! oh no! I can't ENJOY any of this, I'm asexual!

Then I was like...hey. Erm. That's ridiculous. I am what I am...

Then I was like....well, crap. Does that mean I'm NOT asexual?

And so on.

But yeah, totally don't get the sexual attraction thing, still. And even though I've enjoyed physical things now, I still don't feel like running off and doing them. So, I'm back, comfortably and assuredly, in calling myself A. Well, Gray-A, to accomodate for the couple steps closer to sexual I think I am compared to others around here. :)

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Just to clarify my earlier post: I'm not adverse to sex, and while that may put me in the grey area on the triangle, I don't think I'm any less asexual than those who are adverse. I'm still not interested. I'm still asexual.

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Aliens would have been cool.

But anyway. I identify with asexuals (why I'm here, right?) But I won't say "I'm asexual" per se... I mean, I might tell people that, but I would rather just say "I don't have an orientation" or say it's my own breed that nobody but me has. It's definitely gray. I feel attraction (other than sexual) to males. I think girls are very physically attractive (but I wouldn't say I'm attracted to them). I have a tendency to fall in love with boys. I don't really have a sex drive, and I don't actively desire sex. I can be totally fine without having sex. In fact I started all my relationships hoping that we wouldn't really have to bring it up. Like KSpaz, I will go with the flow with my boyfriend. I mean, I would not touch someone unless I was as close to them as I am to him, pretty much. I don't care about sex, but I like my SO, and I like being with him and doing things with him. Also, I've made out with girls, just because of this sort of passive nature of mine (close friends only). It's like, I love you guys, if you want to do something I'll try it, see if it's fun. It's mostly like when I really love someone I just desire to be close to them, and I like to be so. *shrugs* I wouldn't consider myself "sexual".

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Yeah, sorry Jesh, if I made it out at all to be like you were farther from asexual than others. I didn't mean to do that if I did.

By a couple steps closer to sexual (for me, not for anyone else), I just mean that I'm more willing physically for things (making out type of things) than a lot of asexuals are.

By Gray-A, as a term for myself, I still consider myself asexual. That is my first definition.

But I just like to keep in mind the gradient, which allows me to still call myself asexual, despite not being adverse to physicality. I jokingly made up the phrase Gray-A to my friends the other day, and it got stuck in my head.

I find it very interesting the diversity AVEN brings as far as those feelings go, and how accepting people are.

The only times I notice people jumping a bit more often than others is when someone mentions enjoying sex.

Now, once again, I've never had sex, so I can't say, but it may be entirely possible for me to enjoy sex. Physically, there are some responses that lots of people feel (orgasm, etc) that (considering there are a lot of AVENites who masturbate) I assume still feel good to asexuals. And caring about a partner makes one feel good when you can make that person happy.

Still, unless I go seeking out sex from my partner after experiencing sex, or like, can suddenly recognize for the first time what it means to find someone "hot", I think asexual still fits. The desire or attraction to get back to that state probably won't be there, judging on the amount of drive/attraction I feel now to go and do things my boyfriend and I already do together, despite any enjoyment I can feel during any of it. So...still asexual. Just not one, I feel, quite as represented (not anyone's fault, but just probably because it's more of a minority among asexuals).

Yep, so Gray-A. My wording clarified once again.

But my experience isn't the only experience I think one can be called Gray-A for, by any means. Don't want to scare people off from taking that term as they will. Heck, it rhymes. Run with it!

Oh, and Jesh, that whole long explanation just now wasn't directed at you...lol, you just happened to have the dedication of the first sentency bit. This is just me going off and explaining again what was a difficult thing to sort through for myself.

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Yeah, sorry Jesh, if I made it out at all to be like you were farther from asexual than others. I didn't mean to do that if I did.

I didn't think you did mean that ;) I was just clarifying how I felt, since I've struggled with it a bit myself. For me it happens to be a cut and dry issue, I understand that for others it's not.

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My issue with this is that, at least according to the poll, you can't be what you consider a gray-a unless you question your asexuality. I'm sure we all did at least a little bit in the beginning, adjusting to the term. But I'm sure there are plenty of people that fit into what you described and still don't question their A-ness.

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mouth brooder

I also applaud the poll. Someone AVEN recently quipped that life is a phase. Yes, and life is a grey area.

Like Aeriel, I pretty much fade to black.

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I question myself fairly frequently. I think it's just one of those things you do.

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My issue with this is that, at least according to the poll, you can't be what you consider a gray-a unless you question your asexuality. I'm sure we all did at least a little bit in the beginning, adjusting to the term. But I'm sure there are plenty of people that fit into what you described and still don't question their A-ness.

I see what you mean.

I didn't intend for the wording of the Gray-A poll option to imply constant questioning, and there probably are people with more confidence that fall in the gray. However, I think that by nature of being "closer" to the sexual part of the triangle, issues with assurance of asexuality probably come up more often, so Gray-A's may on the whole question the asexual term for themselves more than others. Not to say they always do. I don't anymore, but did for a while.

But yeah, I guess if anyone feels that way and doesn't feel that the poll option for Gray-A describes them as they would define Gray-A, they can choose the "other" option, and explain in a post. Sorry for any potential confusion!

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I would describe myself as Gray - A (or Grey - A in British English). I regard it as an alternative description to hyposexual.

I am a Christian and believe in sex only within marriage - which I define as a permanent committed relationship which two adults make privately between themelves in the sight of God, for which a wedding is not necessary or important. Sometimes I have longings for sexual intercourse, but generally I am indifferent to sex, don't mind if I never have it and don't expect that I ever will.

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Sometimes I have longings for sexual intercourse, but generally I am indifferent to sex, don't mind if I never have it and don't expect that I ever will.

You almost sound like me, Philip. Except that I haven't really had longings for it... and that I have had it (though it's been a while). But "indifferent" is pretty much my own attitude. If I never have it again, I would have no complaints or regrets.

I am a Christian and believe in sex only within marriage - which I define as a permanent committed relationship which two adults make privately between themelves in the sight of God, for which a wedding is not necessary or important.

Just a stray comment... I find your attitude towards marriage to be rather refreshing. I know a lot of deeply religious people for whom the ceremony as performed by clergy is of the utmost importance. Even to the point where someone I once worked with believed that a marriage is valid only if performed by a member of the clergy. (Eg, a ceremony conducted by a Justice of the Peace would not be a real marriage.)

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Some further thoughts on the topic...

Where does one draw the line between "asexual" and "extremely hyposexual"? Is there a line? Does there even need to be a line? I am thinking in terms of the gay community accepting bisexuals among their ranks (though apparently this was not always the case)... I know we don't want to be as restrictive as, say, the "Non-Libidoist Society", which has very strict standards for its definition ("You've masturbated at least once in your life? You can't be one of us, go away!").

Considering that someone with an extremely low sex drive and not currently in a relationship* is likely someone who can ignore their sex drive for extended periods of time, isn't that functionally the same as being asexual? It's like, if I'm just a little bit thirsty I can ignore the feeling, until it gets too strong to ignore. Except with me and my own sex drive, it can take several months before it gets strong enough that I can no longer ignore it.

* - Someone with a very low sex drive who is in a relationship may well go along with having sex if their partner is sexual. But even then, the relationship would have to be about more than sex to start with, otherwise it wouldn't exist. At least from the asexual side...

Sorry to meander here, just thinking out loud. Musing, even. :D

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Alright, so don't know if this term is already around, but if not, I'm coining it now.

Gray-A

Is there really a line at which point you are asexual?

According to our logo there isn't. Just fuzziness.

So, this thread I dedicate to our fuzzy members who may sometimes feel unsure of their asexuality/sexuality.

Share your views, stories, whatever makes you think you'd like to call yourself Gray-A.

I'll start:

In simple terms, I have hetero attractions, can experience physical pleasure, and am indifferent (as opposed to repulsed) to the idea of having sex if it is with someone I care for (though can't imagine it for any situation without utmost trust involved).

I don't get turned on and jump my boyfriend (yes, I have one), but will respond to him in touchy ways and am pleased to do so willingly, because it does feel nice. If we never had sex, I would have no problem. But if we do some day, I probably won't mind, and may enjoy it to a degree. But as of now I don't think I'll ever actively seek it out.

I call myself asexual, because I am, and because I choose my label.

I'm betting there has to be others out here who fit better in the gray part of the triangle better than other areas, too, and I'm curious to hear from you, so fire away!

I definately fall into Gray-A.

However, I simply call myself a heterosexual whose more asexual than sexual.

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I'm probably gray-a... I selected the 2nd option.

I have encountered a few men in my life that were somewhat sexually attractive - though the aroused/excited/interested feeling disipated almost immediately and didn't come back.

But also I have a very high romantic drive and a high romantic attraction and a sexual drive that fluxuates between nil and medium. What this means is, if my drives and romantic attractions are all kicking in high gear, my secondary sexual desire can be pretty high. I still don't look at my husband and think "sexually attractive" - though he is very sexually attractive by typical sexual women's standards. We have been discussing it though, and trying to figure out if there's anything either of us can do to turn secondary into primary. It's like I'm so close, but just not there. Which is fine with me and him, we're happy - but it doesn't hurt to experiment. ;)

hawke

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I definitely think I am a gray-asexual. I do not experience sexual attraction to anyone but I do have sexual urges. I am not averse to sexual acts and would probably enjoy sex but, on the other hand, I can live without it and not miss it.

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I said the second one. Not sure f I agree with the description totally, but I do doubt my asexuality sometimes. I think it might be a bit because since I don't know what sexual attraction feels like, I sometimes wonder if I have it and I've just dismissed it as someting else. But then I realise - no. No I have not. I still don't want to screw them, no matter which way you want to turn the picture.

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It seems to me that a scale perpendicular to the Kinsey scale would be relevant here, with 0 being sexual and 6 being no sex drive at all.

I'd have to say I'm a 5 on that - so, near but not at the black end of the Gray-A spectrum.

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It seems to me that a scale perpendicular to the Kinsey scale would be relevant here, with 0 being sexual and 6 being no sex drive at all.

I'd have to say I'm a 5 on that - so, near but not at the black end of the Gray-A spectrum.

Nice idea, Teucer. I like it... except I'd flip the second scale so that 0 = no sex drive and 6 = extreme sex drive. Seems to make more sense to me -- the higher the number, the greater the sex drive.

On that, I'd be somewhere between 0 and 1. (Between 5 and 6 on your scale.)

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I never doubted that I was asexual, although back in the 60's when I became a teen and the whole sex thing was supposed to kick in, there wasn't any terms for what I was. A non-sexual or better stated self-sexual being.

I knew at age 12 before puberty kicked in that I wasn't ever going to marry or have sex with anyone, female or male. I knew by then from the few opportunities that I had to see sexual photo's and from observing animals. I found the whole thing disgusting and still do.

So for me, there has never been a doubt. I just thought there was something really wrong with me and that I was alone in the universe because everyone else seemed to center their lives around sex. I learned to fade out of conversations with the guys when they talked about sex and what girls they would like to do it with. I just blended into the background so I wouldn't have to say anything. What I was afraid of was being homosexual and the guys thinking I was homosexual. Gay wasn't a term used back then. Being a "Queer" or "Faggot" was the absolute worst label that could be put on you back when I was a boy. And that was my fear.

Ziff

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I'm kinda borderline. I really dont like sex.... but since I definitely like relationships and definitely like cuddles, and like a bit of fooling around....

I dunno. I suppose I'd qualify as gray-a. I just dont know if its a descriptive label.

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