What is the Hardest Part of Your Sexuality to Explain to Other People?

[AlexandraLouise]

That I can refer to guys as being hot and say stuff like "I would" but I don't mean it in the way people think.... and my friends forget that... and then I have to keep explaining that by "hot" I mean "man they'd be super fun to talk to... I'd hug that"  They always forget.... I'm apparently really good at hiding being ace... I say some really sexual stuff (apparently)... so my friends are always questioning the extent of my 'aceness'.... and one friend didn't believe I'm ace for ages... he was like "are you joking? you're joking... it's a joke? it's not a joke? you're joking..." literally had to spend about an hour persuading him!

 

Oh and explaining that just because I'm ace it doesn't mean you can't talk about sex in front of me... I have two (possibly hyper) sexual friends and they always used to talk about sex in front of me but now they know they sort of whisper to each other around me like they have a secret and trying to explain that that is more annoying than them talking about nipple clamps is a losing battle!

[JayDee1212]

I feel like sex indifference always confuses sexual people. They think there is only sexuals who want it all the time, or asexuls who hate it. They don't understand how I could be okay with sex, and willing to do it for my partner, but not care one way or another. People never seem to be able to wrap their head around the fact that I can have sex every week or never again and be just as happy either way.

 

Also how people don't understand that a desire to masturbate, feeling physical attraction and having crushes does not mean you ever want to have sex.

[Alice Woodstock]

When I say I don't like dating or kiss someone I don't know well it's surprisingly hard to explain. People keep saying to me that I need to go out and kiss someone or try online dating apps even if I repeatedly says that I don't want to.

[The Dryad]

Definitely having to say " it's not that I'm picky, I genuinely don't like people romantically or sexually!", which is confusing because I've been known to love this guy( which I do, but it's not romance or sex based! It's a spiritual thing!). " No! I'm not just straight, no, this isn't a phase, I've always been like this". Plus, people tend to see what they want to see and portray or think of you the way they want rather than how you really are, it's crazy but true. I can't worry about how other people think of me, I have enough problems already, therefore I'm not too worried about people who can't wrap their head around aromanticism and asexuality either. I'm also not worried about people who think you can't love someone without romantic feelings or sexual inclinations. So.

[Dr. Psycho]

When I told I'm they are it is just phase and it's going to go away. I'm still 16. I know it can change, but usually it doesn't. 

Or sometimes they say "You can't say that because you hadn't had sex." It just pisses me off really. I do want someone, women or men, but I don't want to have sex that's all.

People do get it wrong. I just don't care about sex.

[Not Active]

The hardest part is the part about sex  

[Guest]

the BASIC CONCEPT of asexuality is probably the HARDEST part to explain to others.

they simply cant get what exactly it is !! and after you have explained them for hours and hours, they look at you suspiciously and say: "eh....well, yeah ok." and then when you ask what's wrong? they go :" a person cannot be what you just said....asexual....well, it's impossible. you are not mushroom ! even plants have sexuality!! "

and this is the moment you want to hit your head to a wall or something!! 

 

[veronii]

53 minutes ago, Melinda22 said:

the BASIC CONCEPT of asexuality is probably the HARDEST part to explain to others.

Exactly. People just can't grasp the idea that innate disinterest in having sex is the real thing.

 

I have the impression that my friends can't see big difference between aesthetic, romantic and sexual attraction. After all, romantic feelings go hand in hand with sexual desire, don't they? They are like: "Being in relationship without sex? Impossible, I just need to feel the love!" Well, I don't think that romantic love must necessarily include sex - I happily make do with cuddling and kissing.

Anyway, the worst response to my abnormal lack of interest in sex came from my ex-boyfriend: "You should have sex more often with me - you will start liking it." For asexual, there is no logic in this iffy solution. 

[Trøllabundin]

I am not asexual, but it is difficult to explain people I am rarely sexually attracted and that I am only under specific circumstances, and also that all the interest is lost the moment I have what I want; or well, having what I want satisfies me. Now, the struggle is to understand why my sex drive is constantly decreasing, because I have a boyfriend who does sexually attract me (he's the only one though), and it should be the opposite, normally. 

 

It's also difficult to explain people I am sexually lost in terms of orientation, because I naturally tend to look at women more, but I don't feel bi neither pan, but I'm not lesbian and not straight. I'm like some sort of pan-bi I guess, I don't know.

[Trøllabundin]

@Dr. Psycho I've been told the same when I was 17. Now that I have someone, people are like "I was right". Okay yes, maybe, but back then, what fitted me the most was asexuality. The annoying part is that you always have to prove people that it doesn't interest you (I, for example, could say I had my own experiences and it (erotism and sexual activities) wasn't for me), but they're all like "you don't know, you've never tried." You can always retort something like "I personally never ate raw thyroid glands, but I know in advance I will dislike it. Do I need to try just to make sure I won't like it?"

[Nylocke]

Most people generally think that everyone has some form of sexual attraction or desires. So when I say to people that I don't have any of that, they either think I'm lying or that I'm just playing the "good christian" card ... I pretty sure my boyfriend gets it though even though he jokes and says everyone is horny to some extent or another.

[groovygrievy]

My biggest problem is that society is becoming more and more sex positive. The problem I have definitely has with it is its not "have as much sex as you are comfortable with" it's gone in the direction more where it is "have ALL the sex". So the idea that people are comfortable having NONE of the sex, is too foreign for them. Then you get people saying you need sex to be able to have kids, but I don't want kids but that's cause pregnancy and childbirth sound atrocious (to which my mother confirmed) and at the end of that you get screaming baby. No thank you but that doesn't have anything to do with me being asexual just me wanting to be able to sleep through the night. 

 

The second hardest bit is explaining the different types of attraction: aesthetic, romantic, sexual, etc. You don't have to have all of them for something to work. 

I've known sexual people who have fallen in love with people purely based on personality so one could argue on romantic terms but they didn't find these people visually appealing. If it is acceptable for sexual people to not need romance or aesthetic attraction to have a relationship, why is it unacceptable for me to not experience the sexual side? The worse case I have had of this is (with the ever so lovely) strangers on the Internet was they knew the difference between sexual and romantic love but always called in sexual romantic love. They kept complaining about why asexuals needed or desired or even attempted to date sexuals when they couldn't give sexual romantic love. So it's really annoying when they have the terminology and have the knowledge but do not have the ability to accept that people are different. 

[TheFatDrake]

It's well known in my social circles that I have a fetish (Feederism/weight gain) so peoples first question is:

 

"Don't you get an erection?"

 

And I have to spend lots of time explaining that, yes my body will react to physical stimuli, but in my brain I've never thought "Damn I'd like to do the sex with them/my hand."

[Falcom92]

Just because I discovered that I was actually demisexual rather than fully asexual doesn't mean that I am just a late bloomer and now am capable of finding others in general attractive (supposedly I just don't realize it right now because I'm in a committed relationship, not that being in one would magically take away the ability to be attracted to others were that a thing I managed...). Physical attraction to my fiance appeared a good ~3 months after we started dating, which happened after ~10 years of close friendship. Using that as a baseline, something tells me that casually finding some random person attractive isn't likely to happen...not that anyone believes me aside from my fiance, which I guess is all I really need honestly.

[PHOENIX97]

All of it. Since most people I talk to don't know about it. They're always like what and how and why. Even after explaining asexuality they look confused and are like what!

[breezey]

For me, because I live in such a liberal state and see not much hate, the hardest part is after explaining what asexuality/aromanticism is having to specify very strongly that I do not crush on people, which usually ends in them asking again what side I lean towards. Guy are more attractive for me but I don't crush on people and I can't see why people don't understand that.

 

Or, and this one's on me, I either come out as asexual or aromantic and leave the other out and when the other comes up, people ask me why I keep changing my sexuality.

[everywhere and nowhere]

When I generally declare myself as asexual, I don't have to tell precise details - and wouldn't anyway because this is intimate stuff not to be told to people one doesn't know very well and doesn't trust enough. In a way, it's harder when talking to a friend with whom I talk about such private topics. It's hard for her to comprehend that I have fantasies, pleasure myself (though I'd probably prefer not to have such need, it's fairly frustrating), generally have some libido, and yet absolutely don't want to have sex with anyone and generally find the idea of any partnered sex involving me something disgusting and scary. She tends to think that I may "just have hang-ups", on the other hand she said that she would respect the fact that I choose to describe myself as asexual. For me that's the essence of it: my self-definition as an asexual person is a choice and is empowering. Fully accepting my sex aversion and defining myself as asexual immensely improved my self-esteem.

[MiraMeyneth]

For me, there's the one issue of feeling like everybody's in on a joke you won't ever get, and you feel rather excluded thanks to it. For me, anyway, that's the worst part.

[binary suns]

nothing about my orientation feels easy to explain :/

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

What is the Hardest Part of Your Sexuality to Explain to Other People?

 

Everything.

 

[Homer]

It's rarely about not having sex - for some people, being 100% okay with the way things are seems to be the hardest part to understand.

[Was here]

Obviously NSFW, but putting it in a spoiler

Spoiler

That I'm not confused or sex repulsed or afraid of sex or just don't want to have kids. It's that my parts feel wrong. Someone told me online that sex doesn't have to involve vaginas, but it's different. It's dysphoria. It feel wrong. It feels so wrong, I've never even tried masturbating, the idea of putting a finger in that thing is absolutely disgusting. I wish people could understand that. I don't want to say anything about thinking I'm trans, I'm too afraid to call myself that yet because I can't transition, and only after that would I feel comfortable calling myself a guy.

 

I used to think every girl thought this way, that it was normal. I just thought everyone dealt with it. I've been trying to tell my mom that I felt uncomfortable with my body growing more and more female since I was fucking 9... I said that bras where weird. I don't think a 9 year old could or would think about wanting a penis instead of a vagina. Puberty makes me so uncomfortable I never cared to notice it and don't even know a lot about the female body because of how much it disgusts me. I've always been incredibly interested in male anatomy because it was different and maybe now I know why. Maybe it was subconscious dysphoria the whole time since like, 6-7th grade.

 also sorry my "when my dysphoria started" changes so much. I don't know what time to point to since for most of my life I never realized what it was and thought it was normal.

[weijiangling]

On 5/14/2017 at 3:21 PM, Maristine said:

Trying to explain how demisexuality is different from just being normal.

God yes, that was the worst when I was still using that label for myself. I definitely had someone just say straight up that it didn't exist, in response to me saying it was my identity... Still wish that hadn't been on an anonymous social media conversation so I could have kicked them off my friends list for it. 

 

I think the "How is that different from normal?" and/or "Isn't that just being confused?" is the biggest thing I run into because I sit on so many in-betweens. I can pass as female, straight (well not right now, as my current partners have female bodies, but when I was dating cis guys), sexual, but I'm not actually any of the above.

[NerotheReaper]

"It's not a phase mom!!!" 

 

No on a serious note, when I do mention about being asexual and some people tell me I am a late bloomer or I haven't found the right person yet. I don't talk about my sexuality much anyway because to me I feel like that is a private matter. Something for me, and my partner to know. Though that is just me and how I was raised, not to be open about it and keep it hushed hushed. I know my body the best, yes I am still learning about it though I think it's good for everyone to keep learning about their body. 

 

EDIT: I saw I previously posted here, so oops  

[SamwiseLovesLife]

For Ace-spectrum people: No I'm not Ace, yes I do maintain an ace lifestyle and understand how allot of it feels when being non-sexual in a highly sexual world.

For sexual people: Yes, I may find you sexually attractive but no, I can not/will not have sex or intimacy with you until my body has finished it's caccoon faze *comes out as beautiful anatomically male butterfly*

[Elftober Country]

I never tried to explain it to anyone except people here online (AVEN). I came close to discussing it with my GP, but the best I could come up with was "I'm not interested". 

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to discuss things face to face with people, but I doubt that day will ever come. 

[Tintinfan]

That I am not attractive to anyone.

That I am happy not to have sex

 

[Tyke]

1 hour ago, October Country said:

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to discuss things face to face with people, but I doubt that day will ever come. 

[knittinghistorian]

On 5/30/2017 at 4:36 AM, AlexandraLouise said:

I'd hug that

Lol, exactly!  That's exactly it.

[Éadweard]

That I don’t have one.