elliebelly Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 I'm a 27 y.o. woman, for background info. I'm confused about myself, and I'm trying to fit in with the sexual society, but I'm having a harder and harder time doing it. As I grow older, I feel like my ability to be sexually attracted to others is getting less and less. I know I'm not completely asexual, but I think my spot on the triangle is moving closer to the tip. I've been having sex periodically, just in the hope of feeling some arousal, but it never works. I only sleep with my friends, because sex with people I don't know is repulsive to me - not morally repulsive, I mean, just more like how straight men would feel about sex with other men. But even sex with my friends is boring. I just don't feel any arousal. I think about what's on TV and everything else I'd rather be doing. And every time I have sex and feel nothing, I get very depressed that there is something wrong with me and I'll never be able to have a romantic relationship again. I get into a state of dispair. This has been going on for 6 years. I even have trouble masturbating, because I can't hold my own interest for 5 minutes or however long it takes. When I try to think of a sexually arousing person or situation, I'm unable to do it, and I stop out of boredom before I reach orgasm because I feel no drive to continue. I'm looking for a romantic relationship that is non-sexual. Is that even possible? I like nakedness and cuddling and kissing as a way of expressing emotional closeness, but I just hate pretending that I'm sexually aroused when I'm not. I have been very depressed lately - I'm hoping that this forum helps me feel a little less alone. hi, everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Hello and welcome to the board, I'm 25 so we're pretty close in age and I have never been interested in sex. You said it's been going on (or not going on, if you will) for six years, so that's the whole of your adult life. I think you're just normal for you. Everyone has their own baseline libido and for some people--the people on this site, for example--their baseline is nil. As for desiring a romantic relationship without sex, loads of people on this forum feel the same way, myself included. And I believe it's possible, though it will require some looking and not settling for doing something you're uncomfortable with. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
elliebelly Posted October 10, 2003 Author Share Posted October 10, 2003 The hard part is that I used to be sexual, and since my body developed that way first, I still see that as normal for me and this abnormal. Even though you're right, this has been my whole adult life. (adulthood starts at 21 in this country LOL) When I was a teenager, I was attracted to lots of people... in middle school, when the other girls were having crushes on guys and going to make out with them behind the sports shack, I was doing the exact same thing! and I felt something. My high school dating was pretty typical too. In college, I feel like I had this transition period of lower sex drive and lower attraction - I didn't become attracted to people until after I fell in love with them, after maybe 6 months or a year of seeing them almost every day. But this still happened a few times, and I had sexual relationships with those people which I enjoyed. But since graduation, my level of physical attraction towards people has been negligable. I'm trying so hard now to be able to be in a happy relationship. Part of me thinks that I would just "go back to normal" if I fell in love again, but I have no idea how to make that happen. Link to post Share on other sites
XpandoraX Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 hey... welcome. i can total relate to you on masterbation getting boring. and it's really obnoxious when and if it's someone else and they don't understand that it gets boring for you - and they think there's something wrong with them. something interesting i was wondering was that i, too, was interested in boys in high school but lost interest in college. perhaps it has something to do with how some people are more easily aroused right before their period, cause i know that your hormones are all out of wack in high school. then once things straighten out in college, you suddenly lose interest. maybe that's what happened to me. sorry to turn this on me. nice to have you. Link to post Share on other sites
DusksRequiem Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 It sounds like you're feeling guilty and ashamed of yourself because you're not living up to expectations. If you don't enjoy it, why make yourself? Always question your motives if you're willing to make yourself uncomfortable in order to make a drastic change. In the end, it should be for yourself - not to fit in with others. Sex isn't everything.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Hear! Hear! Dusks. And Ellie, you said you were trying to be in a happy relationship. Well, two things: 1) "happy" doesn't necessarily require sex, there are loads of people having sex in their relationships who are miserable and 2) if you'd be forcing yourself to do something you found to be boring or not fun then that doesn't sound very happy to me. You just have to figure out what constitutes 'happy' for you. If it's 'to be in a socially sanctioned/acceptable relationship' then, you know, good luck. If it's to be content with a person you share an emotional and intellectual bond with then you may have a shot because you won't be forcing yourself to do something you have no interest in all in the pursuit of being normal. I'm not even certain if that makes sense, I've been awake for nearly twenty-four hours. Hey, sleep deprivation is a free high, don't knock it. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Hi Ellie, welcome to AVEN. hope you find what you're looking for here...you're not alone. hey, we're having an AVEN meet-up in Middletown, CT on November 22 if you want to join us. maybe it would make ya feel better meeting other people like yourself (either way, not pushing just mentioning it, think CT's close to you relatively). make yerself at home here /hugs/ Kate Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Hehe, Kate here is our resident asexual activities coordinator. *winks sweetly at Kate* She's hellbent on the Great Gathering, so you BETTER COME DAMMIT OR ELSE. :) And that's how we say "welcome!" around here! Seriously, it'd be great to see another AVENite there. Glad to have you with us! Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 lol, yeah perhaps I would make a good RA or activities planner or something. or maybe not. I'm better at recruiting than planning. lol. that said, *points finger at Julie* says the person who just happens to live in the same TOWN where the meet-up is going to be! you better be there, lol! Kate Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Welcome, Ellie! Link to post Share on other sites
wombat Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 I would also like to welcome you! SO here's a great big HAZAA!! Link to post Share on other sites
fluffy_hime Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 welcome ellie! i agree with xpandorax. maybe you were more interested in high school cause your hormones were new and wacky. i've heard several people on the site put it like this: the sex drive is just really really low. so if you don't have a very strong one to begin with, once the hormones calm down there won't be much left. (sorry i'm late welcoming. i was out of town for awhile.) Link to post Share on other sites
petitedrag Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 The hard part is that I used to be sexual, and since my body developed that way first, I still see that as normal for me and this abnormal. Even though you're right, this has been my whole adult life. (adulthood starts at 21 in this country LOL) When I was a teenager, I was attracted to lots of people... in middle school, when the other girls were having crushes on guys and going to make out with them behind the sports shack, I was doing the exact same thing! and I felt something. My high school dating was pretty typical too. In college, I feel like I had this transition period of lower sex drive and lower attraction - I didn't become attracted to people until after I fell in love with them, after maybe 6 months or a year of seeing them almost every day. But this still happened a few times, and I had sexual relationships with those people which I enjoyed. But since graduation, my level of physical attraction towards people has been negligable.I'm trying so hard now to be able to be in a happy relationship. Part of me thinks that I would just "go back to normal" if I fell in love again, but I have no idea how to make that happen. whoaaaa i think i can relate to that not the same way (cuz i became "active" after my 2nd yr in college, and never dated in my high school yr), but similar now i'm wondering if my low drive is caused by bad relationship... hm.... Link to post Share on other sites
Jayann Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 now i'm wondering if my low drive is caused by bad relationship... hm.... Hmm. I would be hesistant to say a low sex drive is caused by outside influences. A sex drive may be repressed due to internalized fears and anxieties regarding relationships I think... I think sex drives can also naturally diminish, especially after the funky hormonal trip that is puberty, so that if it's not that great of a sex drive to begin with, after the hormone-crash it'll seem that much less potent. So relationships from that point out may become very strained and confusing. But to say that hyposexuality is caused by trouble with relationships seems kind of off to me. Probably because I'm kind of militant about orientation being a natural state, and not caused by socialization, etc. Eh. I could be wrong, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Cate Perfect Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Fluffy has a good point. If you have a low sex drive then after the hormonal spike of your teenage years it will seem to disappear. This could also mean that you have another 'spike' in your mid-thirties, as that's common in women. Cate Link to post Share on other sites
elliebelly Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Thanks for the invite. Middletown isn't too far from me, maybe a couple hours at most. I'm not sure if I'm ready for a gathering, though. I'll see how I feel in another month. But right now, I just came on to find out a little more information and see how other people experience things - I don't think I'm ready to "come out" myself yet. Link to post Share on other sites
guardianoftheblind Posted October 14, 2003 Share Posted October 14, 2003 Hi Ellie. If you haven't done so and would be comfortable doing so, you could look into different techniques and activities. Maybe there's something you would enjoy but you've never done it or even thought about it. You've said you like sensual things like cuddling and kissing, perhaps those things you like could be incorporated more into the sex you have and your masturbating. I personally believe sex can be more than just a physically stimulating act; for me it's a very profound expression of emotion and love, like how a hug means more than wrapping your arms around someone and a kiss means more than applying pressure with your lips. I don't think I could ever share my body with someone I didn't know either. I seriously doubt you can make yourself fall in love. Quite honestly, you might fall in love tomorrow and find a longlasting fulfilling relationship, or you might never fall in love and never find the relationship you want. You can probably do some things to help allow the opportunity take place, such as meeting new people with similar interests and lifestyles. There's also the issue of having the other person love you in return, that's half the puzzle. Relationships and love are often very difficult experiences, for sexuals and asexuals and hyposexuals and heterosexuals and homosexuals and bisexuals and.... everyone. So if it's any consolation, you're not alone. As Cate and Dusk have said, try to understand what truly makes you happy and go for it. If you get depressed, look for other things that make you happy; reading, television, music, nature, games, art, shopping, cooking, family, friends, whatever it may be. Sex does not have to be the cornerstone of life. Link to post Share on other sites
P Orridge Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 Hi and welcome, I remember reading about some research a while ago that showed that sexual interest can be cyclical over a great number of years. I guess the thing to do (and this is always easier to say rather than do) is to do what feels right for you now. P Orridge (Apologies if my posts are sounding more and more is if they come from an Agony Aunt (or Uncle in my case) page! Link to post Share on other sites
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