Cate Perfect Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 I love Dear Prudence, an advice columnist on slate.com, but this time I disagree a bit. Here is the piece: Dear Prudence, My husband and I met online three years ago. We married very soon after meeting, and we got pregnant the week of our marriage. Ever since we got married and pregnant, we have not had sex. It is now three years later. NO SEX. He refuses to have sex. He says he is not cheating but that sex is too much work. I'm 36 years old. I think I'm a good-looking woman. I wouldn't cheat, but I don't know how long I can continue without sex. I never thought when we got married it would be like this, and my husband said he should have told me. There are so many questions and "what if"s. All I know is I'm 36, and sex doesn't look like it is around the corner for me. —Up Against a Brick Wall Dear Up, Around the corner? My dear, it doesn't look like it will be in this lifetime with this man. Prudie is still reeling from your husband's declaration that sex is too much work. What does this chap do for a living—sit in a chair and ply the trade of chocolate-taster? Not only do you have a perfectly supportable reason to get divorced, you might even have a case for annulment. There is definitely something wrong with this man, not you, and he has no intention of fixing it. The real question is why he chose to get married in the first place. In any case, there is every likelihood that your life will be much improved without him. Odds are good that knowing what you know now, your next romance will involve a higher level of due diligence. —Prudie, amazedly Now. First off: the woman married a guy she had chiefly known online and got pregnant the week of her wedding. I'm guessing they hadn't discussed the entire sex thing because they were too busy planning the wedding then dealing with being pregnant. Secondly: the guy should have told her beforehand that he really had no interest in sex! What a pig he is! I don't care if he is asexual, which I believe is obvious, he should have told the woman. Once again, WHY don't people talk to each other about these things before they get married? I think there should be some sort of waiting period for marriage, you go down to get your license and you have a certain amount of time you have to wait before you actually get married AND you have to fill out questionnaires about the important stuff and exchange them before you can walk down the aisle. So there it would be IN WRITING what the other person expects and wants. If you read it over and NOTHING meshes then, here's a thought, don't get married! I swear sometimes people are complete idiots. Thirdly: I don't appreciate the fact that Prudie (who is usually bang on with her advice) says there's something wrong with the guy. The only thing wrong with him is that he didn't tell his new friend and wife that he had no intention of sleeping with her ever again. At least neither women didn't say anything about sex being the most important thing in a marriage, for that they both get points Cate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moose-Alini Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 Bah I thought this thread would be about the Beatles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate Perfect Posted October 10, 2003 Author Share Posted October 10, 2003 LOL! That's funny! Actually I just emailed her. This is what I wrote: Dear Prudence, Usually I completely agree with your advice, but this time I had to write in (how many times have you heard that?) and comment. Concerning Up Against a Brick Wall: First: the woman married a man she obviously didn't know very well, this probably contributed to the massive communication problem in their marriage. Secondly: the guy didn't tell her that he wasn't interested in sex, which is inconsiderate to say the least. He is obviously asexual and not telling a potential spouse of your disinclination for having sex is a BIG no-no in the asexual community. Then again, he might not consider himself to be aseuxal if he's never heard the word and was unaware that he is perfectly normal for himself. Everyone has their own place on the libido spectrum and there's nothing wrong with any of those places; this guy is apparently on the 'completely uninterested' end. There is a forum for asexuals called AVEN, Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, and the website is www.asexuality.org. It's a fascinating website with members all over the world, myself included, and there are even several people in marriages with sexuals, that's what we call people who aren't asexual. You may want to pass that on to the woman, as we also have sexuals who are married to asexuals on the board. It's very friendly and welcoming and we try to help people as much as we can. In the end, there is nothing wrong with the guy other than the fact that he didn't tell her how he felt before they got married. I suppose I don't blame her for not asking, as most people expect sex with their spouse to be a regular part of married life. Then again, if they'd just have everyone fill out a form of expectation before they got married and then exchange it with their partner (concerning everything from where to live to how many kids they want to frequency of sex etc) these questions wouldn't come up. Other than that, keep up the good work! Catherine Perfect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jayann Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVENguy Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 This raises an interesting legal question. So sex is legally codified as between a man and a woman, and this is a big deal. Legally you can't really verify that two people getting married be in a sexual relationship, so marital law isn't INHERINTLY descriminatory to asexuals (except those of us who want to marry people of the same gender.) However, it might be interesting to look at the record of divorce and annulment law with regards to sexless marraiges. Bringing annulment into it makes it even more interesting: not only is the marraige off, but if there was never any sex the marraige WAS NEVER LEGALLY VALID. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate Perfect Posted October 10, 2003 Author Share Posted October 10, 2003 Thank you, Julie, *Blushes up and scuffs floor with her foot* Yeah, I know what you mean, AVENguy. I have a Dear Abby article I clipped out of a newspaper five, six, seven years ago where a guy wrote in and said he'd been married for seven months and his wife STILL didn't want to consummate the marriage. She even insisted they have twin beds. Good ol' Abby said he should find out if she'd been abused and help her find a therapist and if his wife wasn't willing to do that then he should get the marriage annulled because she was 'unnatural' was the word she used, I believe. Hmmm...I'm going to find that article and put it in here. Cate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bard of aven Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 However, it might be interesting to look at the record of divorce and annulment law with regards to sexless marraiges. I don't know from civil marriage law, but canon law (Roman Catholic) is specific about sex and annulment. To canon law, divorce (a declaration that something existed and is now ended) is not allowed, and differs from an annulment (a declaration that a thing never existed) which is allowed but difficult to get. My understanding of it is (subject to the correction of anyone who knows more about it): If vaginally penetrative sex never happened, it is grounds for annulment. If it happened once, and never again, it is not. boa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorax Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Here is a solution: People have to know each other for at least two years before getting married. This way not as many stupid people will get stuck in relationships (and I use the word very loosely here) that have little surprises. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VivreEstEsperer Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 Good for you for writing in, Cate. :) One must keep in mind the social influences here... the guy probably felt that despite the fact that he didn't like sex, there was really no other option in this society than to have a sex filled marriage, so he thought, if I gotta do it, I gotta do it. Much the same reason as so many gay people end up married. The other thing is, maybe the guy was romantically attracted to her and truly thought that once he got to know her he'd feel more like having sex. I don't dispute that there are some communication issues going on here, but let's look at society at large as well. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.