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TMI? Emotional bonding in mixed relationships?


SlytherClaw23

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SlytherClaw23

As I've noted elsewhere, I try to give my partner a week's heads up when I'm getting close to my "me need sex" cave-woman breaking point. Otherwise, I take care of business myself. We maybe have sex once per quarter, and it's not an emotionally bonding experience for him. 

 

Is there another way to get that same neurochemical pair-bonding for both of us without sexual activity? 

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That's a hard question to answer because it's personal to everyone. You could look up what activities you can do together that produce oxytocin that you may be able to agree on. Cuddling, hugging, and kissing are usually at the top of the list. 

 

 

Quote

From a now dead blog called Queering Asexuality:

 

But I think everyone just needs to experience what it can really be like when you are with another person who is willing or just wants to see what can happen when you adore and love limitations. Big big “limitations.” When you limit yourself even more than you usually do (yes, you, asexual person). I’m talking about changing the goals too: Not aiming for orgasm, or pleasuring the self or the other person in a way where you have to turn someone on or be turned on [.....] Just kissing, cuddling, caressing, hugging, embracing in the darkness, not heading for the genitals, not needing to get undressed, not trying to increase the pleasure, but just sustaining the sensuality by ebbs and flows – I don’t know, you feel loved, connected, like the person isn’t getting lost in anything, but is always with you each moment, surprising you still at every turn. It is addicting, and it’s not over in ten minutes, but keeps going for hours, and you are glad that it does.

 

My point is that you don’t have to do much to reach incredible, satisfying heights of desire, connection, and pleasure. I have this feeling some of us kind of just wish we wanted to do more, and so we may feel like we always have to do the furthest thing we are comfortable with and like because why not do “the most?” You can say that, but I think when you finally experience intimacy with another asexual person (I don’t mean to be limiting, but I know nothing beyond my own experience), then you really honestly can feel confident about asserting what you want and don’t want with people, with anyone asexual or not. Because, and this is SO important so listen very very closely, because you KNOW that what people can experience with you in terms of the absolute “minimal” you want to offer is absolute magic. They should be so lucky to get to participate in and have access to what they might not experience otherwise. Fuck thinking I’m holding people back, and so compromise on what I want/don’t want. I’m moving people forward. I’ve got it. Just listen to me, I’ll say. You don’t even know love ’til I show you how it feels. You don’t know sensuality. You can take it from me asexual world: asexual intimacy is a fucking good thing to experience. And I really don’t think I’ll ever settle for less again. I didn’t even know how “not far” I could go.

 

 

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Hello, SlytherClaw.

 

It is, indeed, different for everybody. For us there are two things that really drive me crazy.

1. I bring my partner to the very border of his sexuality – it’s really the most he can handle. This process moves closer to traditional sex little by little, but it’s not the sex that matters for me – he is as open and trusting, as he can possibly be. And when he becomes comfortable with more, we start doing something new – again, on the very edge.

There was a good topic in this section of the forum, started by Tarfeather – something about kink instead of traditional sex. It’s too late in the night for me to find it, but you might be able to.

2. When we make out, I really focus on the here and now – not dreams of an orgasm or memories of penetration. It does help to feel things more sharply. I do still have to self-satisfy, but the result is so much better than if I did it alone that it really is a partnered activity. Simply put, I need my partner to have a mind-blowing orgasm after masturbation, so in my book that’s a partnered activity.

 

Basically, that’s pretty much what borkfork quoted just with a bit of a personal experience touch to it. It did take me months of learning and tuning myself, but now I feel more intimately connected with my asexual partner than I was with my sexual husband.

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On 6/4/2017 at 0:06 AM, Lara Black said:

Hello, SlytherClaw.

 

It is, indeed, different for everybody. For us there are two things that really drive me crazy.

1. I bring my partner to the very border of his sexuality – it’s really the most he can handle. This process moves closer to traditional sex little by little, but it’s not the sex that matters for me – he is as open and trusting, as he can possibly be. And when he becomes comfortable with more, we start doing something new – again, on the very edge.

There was a good topic in this section of the forum, started by Tarfeather – something about kink instead of traditional sex. It’s too late in the night for me to find it, but you might be able to.

2. When we make out, I really focus on the here and now – not dreams of an orgasm or memories of penetration. It does help to feel things more sharply. I do still have to self-satisfy, but the result is so much better than if I did it alone that it really is a partnered activity. Simply put, I need my partner to have a mind-blowing orgasm after masturbation, so in my book that’s a partnered activity.

 

Basically, that’s pretty much what borkfork quoted just with a bit of a personal experience touch to it. It did take me months of learning and tuning myself, but now I feel more intimately connected with my asexual partner than I was with my sexual husband.

I also need my partner to help me have an orgasm. It raises the level several degrees, if she has a good experience as well. If she is just 'meh!' Then it can still be ok. If she does not really enjoy, at least my enjoyment, then it feels terrible! 

 Best if she likes my touch during, though how, what, how much and when is quite hard to know.

 

self-satisfaction is not that easy. Sometimes it backfires, and I feel like a dorky, lonely, dumbass loser.

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