A statement about the "definition discussion"

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Amadeo said:

 

If you are worried about demisexuals passing as asexuals, well, what's the deal? Sure, they might be able to live quite heteronormative lives, but they still do encounter certain struggles. And identifying as asexual spectrum may help them come to terms with these. Why would someone identify as asexual if they do not feel any sort of alienation from heteronormativity? And if they're only doing it for attention and they love labels, then, they'll find a way whichever way you define it anyway. 

All in all, I am just missing why this is horrible.

It's not about demis (even though they obviously are not asexual, it makes sense to place them on the "asexual spectrum").

 

It's most of all about  "cupios" - people who simply are not, have never been, and will never be ace or even on the asexual spectrum, no matter what nonsense AVEN expects us to validate. The truth is, "cupios" are bog-standard sexuals, who have absolutely nothing in common with asexuals. Nothing, zero, zip, zilch. Validating their claims to be part of asexuality completely destroys the credibility of asexuality, as a whole. They must not be validated when they identify as asexual.

 

This site pretends that it wants to educate about asexuality. It willfully fails in that endeavour by enabling "cupios" to misidentify, and restraining people from telling them the truth, that they are not ace in any way whatsoever. That makes this site - at the absolute very least - a deeply dishonest place.

[Amadeo]

26 minutes ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

It's not about demis (even though they obviously are not asexual, it makes sense to place them on the "asexual spectrum").

 

It's most of all about  "cupios" - people who simply are not, have never been, and will never be ace or even on the asexual spectrum, no matter what nonsense AVEN expects us to validate. The truth is, "cupios" are bog-standard sexuals, who have absolutely nothing in common with asexuals. Nothing, zero, zip, zilch. Validating their claims to be part of asexuality completely destroys the credibility of asexuality, as a whole. They must not be validated when they identify as asexual.

 

This site pretends that it wants to educate about asexuality. It willfully fails in that endeavour by enabling "cupios" to misidentify, and restraining people from telling them the truth, that they are not ace in any way whatsoever. That makes this site - at the absolute very least - a deeply dishonest place.

 

 

Mysticus, I don't know what cupiosexuals are. The definition I got are people who never experience sexual attraction but do desire a sexual relationship.

 

Honestly, this is getting interesting because maybe I am cupiosexual. I wish you would read this thread and comment:

 It would be interesting if you could tell me if I am cupiosexual. That way, you could purge me from AVEN and I would be very grateful.

 

But if you are not inclined, I will summarize. When the day is at its conclusion and I go back to my place and lie in my empty bed, I wish there was someone to share it with, and I do associate sex with pleasure. But I just don't know that I could be aroused by another physical human being. I have never desired to have sex, kiss, cuddle, hold hands with another person romantically. My relationships are only friendships and I never want more in practice. But in theory, I want more.

 

Is this a cupiosexual? If yes, then, I disagree with your plight. Sure, I would leave the asexual label with no hesitation. But right now, when people ask me if I am into girls, and I can't bring myself to say yes, yet, I can't give a yes either to the question of if I like boys... When the people I have good chemistry with want more out of us, and I block myself out because I don't want what they want... When I find myself living alone and seeing the outline of a future with no children (I love children and I want to have some)... I can't help but feel a certain respite at the knowledge that asexuality is a natural sexual identity.

[Guest]

13 minutes ago, Amadeo said:

 

 It would be interesting if you could tell me if I am cupiosexual. That way, you could purge me from AVEN and I would be very grateful.

 

But if you are not inclined, I will summarize. When the day is at its conclusion and I go back to my place and lie in my empty bed, I wish there was someone to share it with, and I do associate sex with pleasure. But I just don't know that I could be aroused by another physical human being. I have never desired to have sex, kiss, cuddle, hold hands with another person romantically. My relationships are only friendships and I never want more in practice. But in theory, I want more.

 

Is this a cupiosexual? If yes, then, I disagree with your plight. Sure, I would leave the asexual label with no hesitation. But right now, when people ask me if I am into girls, and I can't bring myself to say yes, yet, I can't give a yes either to the question of if I like boys... When the people I have good chemistry with want more out of us, and I block myself out because I don't want what they want... When I find myself living alone and seeing the outline of a future with no children (I love children and I want to have some)... I can't help but feel a certain respite at the knowledge that asexuality is a natural sexual identity.

With the bolded sentence, you don't sound like a "cupio", as they do desire partnered sex (which means they are not asexual).

 

Please elaborate on "in theory, I want more".

 

 

EDIT:

30 minutes ago, Amadeo said:

Disclaimer ===== sexual content ========

When I go to bed at night, I wish there was a girl sharing it with me. Mainly, I wish I could cuddle her. But I know if there was a willing girl in my bed, I would want to have sex with her. I just don't know if my body would be aroused. I do masturbate thinking about girls but it takes a long time because I don't actually want it except at the very beginning when the erection is just starting and until the very end where I reach the climax.

End of Disclaimer =====================

That bolded bit from the other thread? This certainly does not sound asexual to me. Sound more like a lack of opportunity. and thus a case of just not having found the right partner yet, coupled with worry about impotence/sexual insecurity. Pretty normal (hetero)sexual stuff, IMO.

 

(I already hear the howling start over having said this, but I don't care anymore. I'll be gone soon, anyway. ) 

[Amadeo]

20 minutes ago, Mysticus Insanus said:

With the bolded sentence, you don't sound like a "cupio", as they do desire partnered sex (which means they are not asexual).

 

Please elaborate on "in theory, I want more".

When I say, "In theory, I want more," is I do feel a desire for physical intimacy when I am alone. Romantic, sexual. I don't care. Kissing, sex. It sounds like it has to be pleasurable in theory. But, no one comes to mind when I'm looking for someone with whom I would like to do this, not a single person in my whole life and I am in my mid-twenties almost. And throughout my day, no one arouses me. The people I love most, I don't want to be anything more than friends with them. But it feels wrong. There is a hole. I need intimacy but its just like it's not, can't be directed towards nobody. (And I have also never engaged in any sexual/romantic behaviours)

 

 

Anyway, I am starting to understand cupiosexuals, not that I have ever heard of such a person's experience.

I just imagine a person, let's say like me, who just doesn't get aroused by anyone around them. They look around, get to know people, try to find someone they are attracted to to no avail. Yet, they have a sex drive just like most asexuals to my understanding. Except, unlike asexuals they don't take care of their needs by masturbating but rather by having sex with other people. Maybe, they got in the habit because someone pressured them to have sex and because they weren't sex repulsed, they didn't think much of it, etc, they caved in. Now, it's just what they do. Yet, they can't find anyone that really arouses them fully, someone that ignites that passion. Might this person not also feel relief when learning that asexuality is a natural sexual identity?

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Amadeo said:

When I say, "In theory, I want more," is I do feel a desire for physical intimacy when I am alone. Romantic, sexual. I don't care. Kissing, sex. It sounds like it has to be pleasurable in theory. But, no one comes to mind when I'm looking for someone with whom I would like to do this, not a single person in my whole life and I am in my mid-twenties almost. And throughout my day, no one arouses me. The people I love most, I don't want to be anything more than friends with them. But it feels wrong. There is a hole. I need intimacy but its just like it's not, can't be directed towards nobody. (And I have also never engaged in any sexual/romantic behaviours)

 

 

Anyway, I am starting to understand cupiosexuals, not that I have ever heard of such a person's experience.

I just imagine a person, let's say like me, who just doesn't get aroused by anyone around them. They look around, get to know people, try to find someone they are attracted to to no avail. Yet, they have a sex drive just like most asexuals to my understanding. Except, unlike asexuals they don't take care of their needs by masturbating but rather by having sex with other people. Maybe, they got in the habit because someone pressured them to have sex and because they weren't sex repulsed, they didn't think much of it, etc, they caved in. Now, it's just what they do. Yet, they can't find anyone that really arouses them fully, someone that ignites that passion. Might this person not also feel relief when learning that asexuality is a natural sexual identity?

Cupiosexuals desire sexual relationships and actively have sexual relationships, they just don't get turned on by the people they have sex with (which is relatively common, especially for women. Sexuals don't all look at people and get horny and want sex as a result of that).

 

You sound to me like someone who just hasn't met the right person yet (some people don't meet that person that flicks their switch for many years) but yeah, obviously only you can label yourself.

 

Cupiosexual is by definition a type of sexual (as they desire partnered sex and actively seek sexual relationships) and there are many sexuals who fit the label who just don't feel the need to try to specifically find a label.

 

It's also relatively common for some sexual people to desire sexual intimacy but not *actively* WANT to have sex with anyone specifically. This can go for years and leave them feeling pretty confused and alone, until they finally meet someone they develop a deep emotional bond with. Then BAM, along with that bond comes a desire to actively connect sexually with that person and that intimacy "void" is finally filled in all sorts of wonderful ways. The desire doesn't come from "looking at that person and getting horny" though, it's as a direct result of that emotional bond. I've known people  who haven't experienced this until their late 20s or even not until their 40s (some have commented here on AVEN in the past).

 

But yeah, all the self-identifying Cupiosexuals I've met here actively seek sexual relationships, they just don't "look at people and get horny". One described it as: I desire sex, not people.. so I have sex with people I don't desire. (again, there a plenty of sexual people like that which is why Cupiosexual isn't asexual - or else a great deal of the population is asexual.)

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Amadeo said:

Might this person not also feel relief when learning that asexuality is a natural sexual identity?

Just because they might feel relief, doesn't mean they're asexual themselves.

[Tofer]

Amadeo, I answered you in the "emotional attraction" thread that you started.